[Walkingaround]

I was told i might find some answers from here.

So.. I have issues.. Always have had.

But uhm.. i dont know am i a narcissist, but I do score every narcissist test well above levels. Allthought i seems to come "around" only with not narcissist people, whom i seem to leave broken up and beaten up in emotional way.
I cant seem to get in touch with they emotions, well not my own neither - i think. I'm extremely tired with them, i dont know how to keep my energy up. I seem to feel blue with them all the time, and i punish them over it. I have rage issues. I blame them for everything. They are the reason why i feel blue, why i'm tired, why i cant keep my energy up. And they usually suck in bed.. And i make sure they know how i feel about them. Still they "love" me. Because i tend to make things up, i tell them how great they are, how much better then me. How much i "love" them and how they bring sun to my live. - until my rage and hell brakes loose.

I do not feel empathy i cant relate to other people and i find it hard to not get mad.

Allthought, i do not really think i'm better then others, in a matter a fact, i feel lower then everyone else. I feel worthless and a shamed. But i do tend to dream that i rule the world.

Only ones save from my rage are children. I have this overwhelming need to protect children from everybody - including me. My patience is high, i do not get mad, i can handle situation after another with kids. no problems.

But it all changes, when i'm with narcissst people. I am able to react, do things, my energy levels are up and i can feel emotions. I can live again. I do not feel need to rage, i do not have blue feelings. And usually, they are great in bed.

But i do have problems with them also. Constant up and downs, same that i give to not narcissist man. I feel that i should be in a relationship with narcissist just to keep me going. And the fact i am not, brings the worst out of me and i keep braking people up.

So, what am i?

[glok]

Hello, Walkingaround. I do not have the expertise to answer your question. If you want an answer, a psychological assessment with a professional is indicated.

I wish you well.

[Walkingaround]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, Walkingaround. I do not have the expertise to answer your question. If you want an answer, a psychological assessment with a professional is indicated.

I wish you well.

Hi,

I am not looking for a diagnosis. I do know, only one who can do that, is a mental care professional.

But i would like to read opinions, thoughts etc.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Walkingaround, it doesn't sound like you have NPD to me... but from the sounds of your post it almost sounds like you admire narcissists in a way. Is that accurate?

[bluekoi]

Walkingaround, Hello

I agree with glok. In addition therapy would be most beneficial. A therapist can listen and offer different suggestions/ways of thinking. You are reaching out, which is excellent! Now it is time to take the next step.

[Walkingaround]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Walkingaround, it doesn't sound like you have NPD to me... but from the sounds of your post it almost sounds like you admire narcissists in a way. Is that accurate?

(This is now 3rd time i try to answer to you. Everytime i try to press send.. This F**king peace of sh**t loses connection.. If this does that again.. i'm gonna throw this out my window)

Do i admire them?
I would like to answer : " No, of course i don't!" But it would only be half of the truth.

Allthough, i thinks "admire" i a wrong word. I just feel safe, secure and i'm able to breathe, i'm able to take stress, and i'm not depressed.

With an normal relationship, i act like a narcissist and i'm unhappy, i fall to depressions etc. Like i shut down.. or something.

The reason i came to thinking about this, is that i was forced to look back my life, my behavior and my actions. It was a shock to me realize.

My mom IS a NPD, and all the **** she put me trough.. So no, admire is not a right word.

I do realize my lack of feelings and my lack of empathy. And i know that is not normal. I do NOT wish to be NPD, I do not want to be one. I'd do anything to be anything else my mom is. But as i'm at this point, that i've had this info about me, i need to try to find out.

[Walkingaround]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

Walkingaround, Hello

I agree with glok. In addition therapy would be most beneficial. A therapist can listen and offer different suggestions/ways of thinking. You are reaching out, which is excellent! Now it is time to take the next step.

Hi bluekoi.

I am bookin a pointment to mental care unit tomorrow.
I've been in therapy and hit the brick fall .. they dont hear what i say. But i will try again.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Walkingaround

(This is now 3rd time i try to answer to you. Everytime i try to press send.. This F**king peace of sh**t loses connection.. If this does that again.. i'm gonna throw this out my window)

Do i admire them?
I would like to answer : " No, of course i don't!" But it would only be half of the truth.

Allthough, i thinks "admire" i a wrong word. I just feel safe, secure and i'm able to breathe, i'm able to take stress, and i'm not depressed.

With an normal relationship, i act like a narcissist and i'm unhappy, i fall to depressions etc. Like i shut down.. or something.

The reason i came to thinking about this, is that i was forced to look back my life, my behavior and my actions. It was a shock to me realize.

My mom IS a NPD, and all the **** she put me trough.. So no, admire is not a right word.

I do realize my lack of feelings and my lack of empathy. And i know that is not normal. I do NOT wish to be NPD, I do not want to be one. I'd do anything to be anything else my mom is. But as i'm at this point, that i've had this info about me, i need to try to find out.

Well, odds are if you're worried about being one then odds are you aren't. You have some issues yes, but these can be worked through in therapy. I wish you luck.

[bluekoi]

Walkingaround, Right on! Please let us know how your therapy session goes. Sometimes the first new visit is just intake - getting to know each other. The second session will be more meaningful.

[3xjj]

It sounds to me like you are reenacting your mother issues. You are attracted to people like your mother. You are trying to work out those childhood issues. You are looking for someone like your mother to "end the story" a different way. You are trying to earn NPD's respect and love.

Then, when you are with "normal" people, you reject them. You essentially become your mother and devalue them. People unlike your mother are not attractive to you. They do not have your respect. You may consider them weak. Have you heard the saying, "I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member?" You may dislike yourself so much that you can't respect people who like you.

Again, I think this has a lot to deal with resolving your childhood issues.

[Walkingaround]

Hi,

I've heard the saying yes.

Intresting points you have and i will take all of this to my thoughts and think different bossibilities.

I rang mn doctor today, and he booked me appointment for tomorrow. He has been dealing with my depression and my sick leave.
I was put on a sick leve 3 months ago + 2 months part sick leave, becose i couldnt handle these info's about me that i was told and forced to think about my live and behavior.
So i crashed. Took a deep dive and lost my ability to work, act etc.
That is how i got to think, through a deep dive and crumbling down.

Now i'm on a part time sick leave.

he has told me that he would like me to have psychotherapy, maybe i could benewith from it. Maybe not. But at this point, i just might take the change. On the other hand , they are not listening.. If i tell " i cant feel emotionn" they say " its because you are depressed " - well yea.. but its not a new thing for me.. i've just come to realize it !

So frustrading! But we will see.. at this point we have been talking about my depressen, not the reasons.. and not about my my past or my present.. it has been a allmost funny appontments.. he tells me how i should feel about things.. I replay that i dont feel so.. he says that its becouse depression.. Think I should just exept the psychotherapist, maybe he/she would listen. ?

[bluekoi]

Walkingaround, Yes, they should listen. It's their job. Hope you have a productive visit with your therapist!

[shakespeare47]

At the OP. I can relate. I see some narcissistic personality traits in my own life... but, I don't see how I could be a "real" narcissist, because I'm all to aware that I overinflate my own importance and abilities. I know I'm flawed and that I get caught up in bragging and ridiculously high self-esteem at times, that I love to be the center of attention, and that I can be insensitive.... but I hate those parts of my personality.

I also have some insight into why I have these flaws....

How many therapists do you actually believe can understand NPD?

[Notoriousglo]

I love the narc personality...is this bad?

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Underground

How many therapists do you actually believe can understand NPD?

None at all. They're only just figuring out how to understand BPD, they've got a long way to go with us!

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by euphy

I love the narc personality...is this bad?

It's not bad. Of course you love our personalities!

yes they do

[Walkingaround]

Originally Posted by Underground

How many therapists do you actually believe can understand NPD?

I dont have high hopes. Actually, i dont think i hope at all.

[Gingy01]

OP - you sound like you're really going through a rough time. I hope you find some peace soon.

Why doesn't it say super poster next to my name?????? I thought I was on to something yesterday!!!

[Atypical_Disaster]

You have to make an average of over two posts a day to be considered a super poster.

For how many days?

[bluekoi]

Underground, Here is the answer to your question -

Forums at Psych Central - FAQ/Help: Forums at Psych Central

What is a SuperPoster - A "Superposter" is simply a title given by the forums automatically when a person posts more than 2 posts per day, on average, since the day they joined. So, for instance, if you've been a member for 60 days, you would need more than 120 posts to be considered a "Superposter" by the forums.