[shakespeare47]

What was your childhood like? I think I have a pretty good handle on what mine was like. I've talked about it at length to various people. I still get a little angry when people get dismissive and say things like "everyone thinks they had a crappy childhood'. Some people don't have a **** ing clue... and should probably keep their damn mouths shut.

My dad grew up in a bar... then got saved and joined a young-earth-creationist, fundamentalist church. He still struggled with alcohol, and would sometimes go on benders and get violent and beat my mom. When he wasn't hitting her, he was just verbally abusive.

My mom grew up in a fundamentalist church (also YEC), the daughter of a weanie of a man who wouldn't stand up to his abusive, mentally ill wife. My mom had her own mental health issues, also. and, I'd be embarrassed to have you meet her, as she can barely take care of herself, and has parkinson's like symptoms because of the anti-psychotic drugs she is on.

My mom seemed fairly normal to me, other than the fact that she was cruel (one of my first memories is her telling me that I ought to go hitchhike away from her- I was probably 5 or 6), at least until I was in college. When she decided to get some help for some mental health issues when I was still in grade school (I'm not even sure what those issues were.. I suspect minor BPD traits), my dad gleefully told us kids that she was having problems and was on medication. It seemed an obvious, pathetic attempt to get us on his side.

I still remember the day he gave her a black eye (I think I was in jr high), and he tried to explain why he had done it. I remember thinking it was so stupid to try and explain away something like that, without even apologizing, or even feeling bad about it.

My mom got better for a while, I think it was mostly because she decided to just live her life... When I was in high school, she would go out and play volleyball on city teams, things like that....
But, then in the 1990's, something happened, and she started accusing my dad of having affairs and getting more and more violent. After she tried to stab him with a knife, she got into the court system and was put on court-ordered anti-psychotic drugs. But, I was living on my own by then.

My dad thinks the world (and universe) is about 10,000 years old, and they both still attend a fundamentalist church. As I said, my mom can barely take care of herself, and is still on court-ordered anti-psychotic drugs.

My earliest memories are filled with the anger my parents showed each other. Piecing together my memories and what I was told, it seems my mom beat me at least once when I was in kindergarten, and I remember the school nurse looking over my injuries. I suspect after she was forced to explain what happened, she didn't do it again. I don't remember ever being hugged or told that I was loved.

When I was 10, my parents let me spend the night with a plumber who was doing some work in our house. He was really interesting and showed a lot of interest in me. During the night, he started fondling me. I suppose it could have been a lot worse, in that he sounded truly sorry when I started crying. He dropped me off at my house in the morning, and I never saw him again.

About that same time (it may have even been the same day) something really upsetting happened. I went to my mom for comfort, and sat in her lap and cried, but she made no attempt to comfort me in any way. She didn't say she was sorry, or ask about what happened, or put her arms around me, or anything...

I had some friends in grade school. But, something changed in jr. high. I was extremely shy, and got teased a lot, mostly because people saw an easy target, I suspect. I think that's when I first started acting arrogant.... and thought I knew more than most anyone I knew. I was pretty miserable through jr high and high school. I thought things would change when I went away to college.... but, it was tough... and I didn't have many friends there, either, and I was still very awkward and shy. I gave up on one school after 2 years, and went to another, then decided to deal with my problems by seeing a counselor. I felt worse, and tried to kill myself.... then moved back to another state to live with my parents.... That was 25 years ago. I've since gotten a lot better, got married, had a child... but, I've had to get help because of the NPD and BPD traits I exhibit.

I still don't know how to process the fact that when I was in my 20's and told my parents about the sexual abuse, they didn't apologize, or tell me they were sorry it happened to me. They got defensive..

How about you? What is your story?

[Gingy01]

Oh hey court ordered psychiatrists and attempted stabbing! That's my mother! Anyway...

It took me a while to understand I had a bad childhood. In the moment, and even some what now I didn't see it as bad. I was as completely detached from it in the moment as I am now.

My mother in my childhood had warped thinking. She is probably a borderline, dependent bipolar mix. Wooo was she a mess when she wasn't medicated...she would start fights with my father multiple times a week that would last for hours on end. There were cops at my house at least once a month for some BS. I hate cops till this day. I hate them because they would drag me into their ******** and try to interview me when I didn't care. A cop when impose their narcissistic need for control even on a child. I hate that tone they use...shut the **** up you're here because you could barely pass high school. my parents fights never bothered me. Sometimes I would egg them on because I found them entertaining. sometimes i'd egg them on because if I took my moms side she would buy me things (always wrong though)
she taught me to view the world in dollar signs. and thats what I do. I'm really good at it

Anyways my mother socially isolated me. And my father joined in. The TV was my only friend. I wasn't really allowed to do anything...and that was until I left for school. I would ask for a playdate and my mother would push it a week and more and it would never happen. They never played with me either. I was horribly attention deprived and was an only child on top of that. My mother trained me to be selfish and to have no empathy for others. My parents are both empathetic people but my mother in her mentally ill state missed a big window on me.

I would always get in trouble at school. I went to a behavioral preschool and the school told my parents to take me to a neurologist. That was probably 4 or 5. Diagnosed me with some crap, offered my mom medication. She said no. I saw school psychologists, social workers and got put into management groups. I got held back one year because I spent the entire year in the principals office... I faintly remember any of this.
I was bullied relentlessly. I barely remember it
To pass the time because I had no friends I did various activities. some not so nice. some really not that legal

Then I got a brother. I wanted him dead from the moment I found out about him. I still want him dead. He was subject to a lot of my abuse when we were kids. some where my brothers psychologist is painting me as a monster of a person. So be it. He's a borderline/bipolar like my mother. was born ****ed. I don't think I did much to be honest. My parents will tell you that behaviorally I'm their way better child but he has a big, big heart.
i tell my mother often he's going to do it one day and she looks at me with a blank gaze as if she knows

Dad tried to kill himself when I was 10 or so. I watched him try it but he didn't see me. This is what got me committed the first time I think. because I told this without even blinking an eye.
Mom went on medication. I mellowed out too but many people in my life started expressing concern that I was very cold, heartless and just wasn't there in general. I was completely fine until I was hospitalized in my late teens for an incident with alcohol. i got in a bad funk I suppose you could call it...I don't really remember it. I was in college at the time and it went down hill from there. got in trouble for harassing a few professors. almost flunked out
forced therapy for harassment etc etc

and well that's all I got. long enough. I started working to understand myself because I honestly got tired of people forcing me to get help

[shakespeare47]

Looking at it now... I think my mom was just a garden variety BPD until the 1990's. I suspect the poor treatment by my father and the state of the mental health profession in the late 70's made her a lot worse..... They thought she was bipolar and had her on lithium for quite a while. There is no way she was bipolar.

[shakespeare47]

By the way... I was in a psych ward on 2 occasions. Once, after my attempted suicide. Another time in the early 1990's, I admitted myself...

I think the admission in the 1990's was because of the severe pain I was in from others causing me pain, because they were sick of my NPD. It made me feel like I was going crazy.... people were causing me pain and playing mind games on me, in retaliation for the pain and mind games I was playing... talk about your backlash. Ouch.

[shakespeare47]

Don't you just read these stories and think... GOD DAMN.. No wonder we have issue?

[shakespeare47]

@Gingy... don't even get me started about my brother (less than 3 years younger) I could probably spend the rest of my life just dealing with the crap he pulled.

I've got 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I'm the oldest. The brother closest in age seems to be doing okay... despite the fact he's an ***. I'm not sure if he has any mental health issues....

the younger 3 have had real issues off and on. Both my brothers have been in jail. One (the younger of the 2) for 6 months for being involved in a robbery..

[Gingy01]

My mother takes resperidone, wellbutrin, prozac. There's probably something else I'm forgetting. Maybe it's seroquel. She told me a while ago that when she was in treatment years ago her psychiatrist gave her something that made her nuts and that she needed something else. It was probably lithium.
Medication did wonders for my mother. She went from a person who would throw a fit if you raised your finger to her in the way to a person who became submissive and would beg for your forgiveness right away.

Great stuff. That PDOC really drugged her up.

But it sounds like your mother was just in an abusive relationship and needed help getting out...not lithium. My mother would love to tell you all day how she was the victim but really she was just the abuser. I hear lithium is some bad stuff.

Yeah I was nasty to my brother. I acknowledge that. I don't take credit for his problems though. he was born with those in my belief. everyone in my family thinks so. i'm not sure how much he struggles with my past abuse...I would like to say not much. I think he's too busy dealing with his inner demons. But when it comes down to it I don't care much. I don't speak to him to much but I can interact without things getting tense. I'm not abusive anymore and haven't been in years and years so I think that's what counts. He doesn't know about my psychiatric treatments and he never will.

[shakespeare47]

The situation with my mother is rather complicated. Unfortunately, there were a few mentally ill people on her side of the family.... I'm sure at least some of it is genetics.. but, still... she didn't get much help from my dad, or the mental health profession when she really needed it.

And just the abuse I am aware of, was enough to seriously damage anyone's psyche.

[Gingy01]

Yeah there's a lot of mental illness on my mother's side of the family. Her sister killed herself (probably schizophrenic from the stories I've heard), grandmother became a classic hoarder after that. And her brother has no soul. he's a narc without a doubt. I don't see him often but when I do his actions remind me of things I would do. Very sneaky

however my mother i've found out over the years is quite secretive and I have no idea what went in that house she lived in. a lot of bad things brewed out of it

for a while when i occasionally thought about it I thought I was the normal one LOL. I'm named after the sister who killed herself so mental illness was brought to my knowledge quite young

[shakespeare47]

My closest brother (in age) picked up on my parent's traits. Except he took it out on me. He was very good at finding out my weaknesses, and just getting into my head... I had pimples, he focuses on my pimples... I have an issue with someone, he gets into my head and makes nasty comments about it. God Damn... he was relentless, and I couldn't get away. And he was right there by my side for 15 years... Then again for a few more after I moved back in with my parents in the 1990's

He would just tell me that people liked him more than me... that he was more handsome., that I was looking old... etc, etc, etc,... He would ask me about certain situations, and then tell me that he knew what really happened, that it was because so and so thought this about me... It was insidious, and nasty, and pretty damn abusive. I'm glad I haven't seen him in several years.. and that he lives in another state.

[Gingy01]

Sounds like he has some issues about feeling good about himself and took it out on you.

or he's like me and just an ***.

[shakespeare47]

It's sad and difficult to admit that I've played some pretty nasty games on people myself. Some of them on people that liked me, and were trying to help me. It set me back years in my journey, I'm sure.

But, I stood up to him, and confronted him in front of the family (at least via email). That felt pretty good. and he had it coming. I wasn't abusive, I just told everyone what he did and that that's why I didn't want contact with him anymore. I didn't mention the things in the above post... just that he told me that it was my fault I was sexually abused- I think that is a plenty good enough reason to want someone out of you life, don't you?

We all do need to find ways to protect ourselves from the people that are hurting us, no matter who they are.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by Gingy01

I'm named after the sister who killed herself so mental illness was brought to my knowledge quite young

What the hell would possess someone to do something like that? Is it just me, or is it incredibly strange to name someone after someone else who killed themselves?

[Gingy01]

I think PD or not we've all played nasty games. Good for you though. I think your family had the right to know some of the horrible things he did to you and understand why you cut him off. For your own health.

Yeah...it's strange. I don't really like that I'm named after someone who killed themselves either. Not to mention it's an extremely outdated name for someone my age. I think it's rather taboo and just plain negative energy.
And my mother not only did the first name but the middle name too. Very weird.

[Walkingaround]

My childhood was hell also. Sexuly abused and when i tried to tell my mom gave me spanking. I was reason for her moods, allways to blame. it was my brother who ised me, he blackmaled me with it " if u dont do this i will tell everybody what you and i do at nights-and no-one will love u anymore" mom hitted me often etc.

My dad was okay. but he was home about 1 weekend / month. And wasnt aware. After they diforced We went to life with mom. She starded drinking and things got worse. I used to take care of my little sister to the point i just coundt take it and ran away. I was raped several times, got roof on my head by giving sex to drunken men. I was 11.

Ultimately i got to fostercare, abuse contiuned. Mom still blamed me for everything and everybody believed = I was evil.

Thats it.. in a nutshell.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

The situation with my mother is rather complicated. Unfortunately, there were a few mentally ill people on her side of the family.... I'm sure at least some of it is genetics.. but, still... she didn't get much help from my dad, or the mental health profession when she really needed it.

And just the abuse I am aware of, was enough to seriously damage anyone's psyche.

I've also thought that the fact that she was required by our church to just "forgive" my dad his wrongs, without being able to get angry led to her mental health decline.

She had obviously built up resentments after the many years of mistreatment, and was never able to resolve the anger she had. I believe that led to the accusations and violence. Even more telling is the fact that my dad did have affairs (he admitted to it)... it wasn't like the accusations couldn't have been true.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

This might be triggering to people who are sensitive to child abuse and the results of said child abuse.


My childhood was hell, frankly.

My father falls into the "malignant narcissist" category. He emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me from the time I was quite young until I was an adult. He was and still is an alcoholic. My life was filled with violence largely because of him. He beat me, raped me, etc. Everything in the household was about him and his needs. I was an object to him, not a person.

My mother has borderline personality disorder and undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Her mood swings would fill up the house. She was physically and emotionally abusive to me as well. When she was manic she was completely out of control, throwing me against walls and ****.

I was sexually abused by a couple of other family members as well.

I was very "disturbed" from a young age. I met the criteria for Conduct Disorder before the age of ten. I was a very angry child. I acted out frequently, I was always getting into physical fights at school and other things like that. I set fires and tortured animals. I lied, constantly.

I had a self-destructive period when I was a teenager that I don't want to talk about. But it was during this time that my schizoaffective disorder took off, and I was in and out of the psych ward quite a bit.

So that's it in a nutshell.

Man, I had no clue atypical. that really, really sucks.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by sunshine1995

Man, I had no clue atypical. that really, really sucks.

Yeah, me too. That does suck...

All of our stories suck...

[marmaduke]

My mother was a malignant narcissist.

I began self harm at five (biting myself sometimes till it bled)

Most of her abuse was emotional.

Mother told me I was ugly, fat, stupid. She told me I stank. She told me that I 'Made her skin crawl' that if I was in the same room as her 'She felt sick'
She tried to stab me through with a carving knife when I was 11, told me she 'HATED ME SOOO MUCH'
School threatened her once with the authorities I was in such a rundown state, she took me to the doctors and she improved toward me-----------------for about a week, then back to herself again.

I was never hugged, cuddled or kissed, never ever told I was loved. No comfort, even when I remember falling heavily down the stairs as a child, from top to bottom Bang, Bang, Bang. I laid there hurt, bruised, stunned.
In shock and shaking I went up to mother and said 'Mum, I fell down stairs.
She briefly looked up from her book, and I saw the sly smirk on her face, the smile playing on her lips. She ignored me, and went back to her book.

At 17 I had a breakdown.

I felt so lonely.

[shakespeare47]

It still amazes me just how cruel people can be.

[anomaly_fleur]

** Possible trigger warning **

I think I had a pretty awful childhood.

My first memories are of being sexually abused by my father. My sister was the one who brought it up and we were bo tth put into therapy. They tried to press charges but my father claimed that my mom and grandmother had been putting thoughts into my head, and later changed his story to me being unstable and hallucinating it all. It made me feel like it was my fault and that I was crazy.

He was also an alcoholic and neglected me. I often went hungry when he was watching me and was left at school for hours later than the other kids because he was drunk and would forget that I was still there.

My over all home life was very unstable as well. My parents fought because of his alcoholism and cheating. They started doing drugs together and had my sister and I take care of their marijuana plants.

My mom didn't stop doing drugs, even after they divorced. When I was around 10 or so she started becoming very reckless, verbally and physically abusing me when she drank.

At school I was choked on the bus until I nearly passed out and was sexually assaulted by a boyfriend.

[QuietMeFromNowhere]

maybe you shouldn't compliment a narcissist, you'll run with it, (?), but I am so impressed with the thoughtfulness and insight your post shows. Wow.