[defyinggravity65]

Not diagnosed as NPD, just trying to figure out the root of my OCD, anxiety, and all my other problems and have stumbled across "covert narcissism" and now can't stop thinking that I have it.
Was wondering, from someone who is narcissistic or who has NPD, if some of the things I do could be considered seeking out "narcissistic supply"...
-I constantly obsessively worry if I'm only in a relationship with my boyfriend because I know he loves me. On 2 occasions in our 4 year relationship we have gotten in bad fights about his drinking where I convinced myself it would no longer work, and made a dating site profile I guess just to see if anyone would even be interested in me if I left him. The following day on both occasions, I felt bad and I deleted it.
-My boyfriend drinks and I am to the point where I hate it so much I feel that he either needs to cut back or I'll leave him. I fear that he'll drink too much constantly. But here's the thing: his drinking really isn't that bad. He rarely gets "drunk" but will often act buzzed. He does have an extremely high tolerance though and can drink a 12 pack in one sitting. I mostly freak out about the number of drinks he consumes in a time period, not how he's acting from it. It's super weird and I can't figure it out. But when he goes over the threshold of what I consider appropriate (usually like 6) I get passive aggressive...give silent treatments and withhold sex, tell him he needs to change, obsess about it, tell him I'm disgusted in his drinking, etc. When he doesn't drink at night I get so happy and think things like "omg it's so great that he's doing this for me" and get all bubbly and giddy and I love it. Would that be considered a form of narcissistic supply? Sometimes I wonder if he stopped drinking all together if I would not complain about anything else he did or find another "negative" aspect of him to control....I honestly don't know. I feel so happy when I can "control" this trait and idk what my problem is
-I feel like I hate when he hangs out with any of his friends who drink, and I constantly discourage him from doing it. I feel "better than" some of his friends who drink a lot, like I shouldn't associate with them. I know this feeling is wrong now and I am freaking out about it. I am worried deep down I want him to have no friends but I think it's just the drinking I'm trying to manipulate. On rare occasions where he hung out with friends and didn't drink at all, I remember being overjoyed.
-I occasionally exaggerate my achievements or even exaggerate how my day was. If I do something good, I get really proud of myself and brag about it and if I do something bad, I try to hide it or make it seem not as bad if I'm around people I know would disapprove.

[leomama]

If you're that aware of what you're doing, I would say no.
Have you given any thought to BPD traits?

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by leomama

If you're that aware of what you're doing, I would say no.
Have you given any thought to BPD traits?

Yes I used to be fully convinced I had BPD...I even told my boyfriend I had it once. Another example of my stupid attention seeking or whatever it would be. Now reading the description I'm not sure. Covert narcissism feels right but so did BPD a couple years ago. Also I am really really self aware from having OCD and ruminating about myself so much. So even though I know that I'm doing these things, I don't feel that excludes me.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

Yes I used to be fully convinced I had BPD...I even told my boyfriend I had it once. Another example of my stupid attention seeking or whatever it would be. Now reading the description I'm not sure. Covert narcissism feels right but so did BPD a couple years ago. Also I am really really self aware from having OCD and ruminating about myself so much. So even though I know that I'm doing these things, I don't feel that excludes me.

I think if you had covert narcissism you wouldn't doubt yourself and to be honest it doesn't sound like BPD either. As I don't know anything about OCD , I will let others comment.

I see you have anxiety, panic and hypochondria listed. Do you think it could be one of those?

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by leomama

I think if you had covert narcissism you wouldn't doubt yourself and to be honest it doesn't sound like BPD either. As I don't know anything about OCD , I will let others comment.

I see you have anxiety, panic and hypochondria listed. Do you think it could be one of those?

Maybe...I definitely have those things to the extreme. I am just wondering what if underlying all that is a lot of narcissism...
I'm replaying all my therapy visits I've ever had in my head and I realize I even paint a better picture than who I actually am to my therapists. I will admit when I do things wrong but I feel like I still tweak the story to make myself seem less horrible.
I was a compulsive liar all through high school and always wanted to "fit in". My lies were ridiculous and outrageous and I have toned it WAYYYY down, mostly now it's exaggerations when I feel insecure (which is still more often than most people). I'm not sure if compulsive lying is a separate mental condition but I know it's associated with NPD. I have just gotten in the habit over time that it's easy to lie when you feel uncomfortable and that's why I can really relate to the idea related to NPD of "False Self" vs. True Self but idk if my False Self exists because I actually feel like I'm better than everyone or if it exists because I have low self esteem combined with a bad habit of lying. Sorry for rambling on but it feels good to write these thoughts down otherwise I feel even worse.
I know for a fact I do feel better than some people who drink...I also don't really have any friends and sometimes use the fact that I feel "different" than other people as an excuse for that...which I was reading was a trait of covert narcissism too.

[leomama]

If you were a narcissist , you wouldn't wonder, you'd know, people would point it out you without you asking for it. In fact I'm guessing everyone else around the narcissist knows they're a narcissist and will tell them as much.
Have you ever thought you had a self esteem problem?
Narcissist are seen as villains and nobody should want to be one if they're healthy, in my opinion .

[Atypical_Disaster]

Can you name an example of an outrageous lie you've told?

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Can you name an example of an outrageous lie you've told?

Yes. I would never do this now. But in high school I said I had uterine cancer. I also said I had a best friend who died in a car crash and naturally I was in the car too. I said I was sleeping with a boy that I only barely knew. I said I saw a ghost in my friend's attic.
...Stuff like that for no reason.
That was 4 years ago and I feel so guilty for that. Now the types of lies I tell are more like exaggerations, I say I did better on a test than I actually did, I say I did something single-handedly when it really was a team effort, I say I worked more hours in a day than I did, I say of course I got that vaccine I need (when really I was too afraid of needles and made up some other lie as to why I couldn't get it to the doctor). If my day was good I exaggerate why it was good, if my day was bad I exaggerate why it was bad.
Idk why I do it but I literally hate myself for it.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Why did you lie if you had no reason?

Why do you feel guilty about it now?

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Why did you lie if you had no reason?

Why do you feel guilty about it now?

I really don't know. I felt very uncomfortable with myself at the time, and still pretty uncomfortable with myself now.
And I also don't know. I just want to be a good person and I also worry that I only want to be good now not for the sake of others but because I want to silence some of the negative feelings I'm experiencing which would make me even more selfish.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

I really don't know. I felt very uncomfortable with myself at the time, and still pretty uncomfortable with myself now.
And I also don't know. I just want to be a good person and I also worry that I only want to be good now not for the sake of others but because I want to silence some of the negative feelings I'm experiencing which would make me even more selfish.

Define what a "good" person is, as that's a subjective thing.

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Define what a "good" person is, as that's a subjective thing.

I'm thinking of person who does things for the good of other people, or for the world. Who doesn't focus on themselves and would go to great lengths for others and never want to be recognized for it. Also someone who presents themselves as they really are and shows their vulnerabilities and learns from mistakes, and is honest with themselves and others. Who doesn't feel the need to control anything and can appreciate imperfections in themselves and in others.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

I'm thinking of person who does things for the good of other people, or for the world. Who doesn't focus on themselves and would go to great lengths for others and never want to be recognized for it. Also someone who presents themselves as they really are and shows their vulnerabilities and learns from mistakes, and is honest with themselves and others. Who doesn't feel the need to control anything and can appreciate imperfections in themselves and in others.

This is an ideal of what a good person is to many people but the thing is, it's just an ideal. It doesn't truly exist. Nobody behaves in the manner you described literally all the time.

In fact, never focusing on yourself at all leads to its own flavor of personality dysfunction.

Presenting all of who you are all the time, and showing your vulnerabilities especially is highly dangerous. People like this are easy prey for psychopaths, sociopaths, and actual narcissists.