[Zen888]

First of all I liked to say that this thread is not intended to offend or hurt anyone who has OCD or knows someone who has OCD.

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I have a friend who has OCD. She has a need to have everything in order and very clean. When she wants something she pushes until she gets it.

The last couple of days she has been asking for a donation to a charity that she is supporting. I at first kinda said yes but then told her of my expenses coming up (kinda a sublte hint that it isnt in my budget to donate right now). She kept asking and asking...etc. So finally last night I got out my cheque book and said I would donate. And she said "no I can see you have your back up against the wall."

What I don't understand is why she didnt clue into the subtle hints that I gave her and stopped pushing me for a donation.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Zen888 )))))))))))))))))
Sending you hugs

[Calm]

Hi Zen, could it be it just took a bit longer for the hints you were giving to sink in with your friend? Often people with OCD can be very distracted by their thoughts and obsessions and can have trouble keeping up with other stuff going on. Just a couple of thoughts that may be possible.

[Zen888]

*Update*

She called me today and said "can I put you down as an IOU donation for $25?"

It's not alot of money.....but she is like a dog with a bone......she does not give up!

[deliquesce]

zen, why don't you just say no?

sometimes ppl with OCD can engage in very black/white thinking, and so it can be difficult to pick up on subtleties. but this aint necessarily an OCD thing - i know many ppl without OCD who become very singularly minded and ignore/don't hear subtle resistance.

if your friend didn't have OCD would you speak up? or would you find another trait to blame? i agree that she is being difficult, but i also think you have a lot of power in this situation and you aren't utilising it.

[Zen888]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

zen, why don't you just say no?

sometimes ppl with OCD can engage in very black/white thinking, and so it can be difficult to pick up on subtleties. but this aint necessarily an OCD thing - i know many ppl without OCD who become very singularly minded and ignore/don't hear subtle resistance.

if your friend didn't have OCD would you speak up? or would you find another trait to blame? i agree that she is being difficult, but i also think you have a lot of power in this situation and you aren't utilising it.

I have all of 2 friends my age group. Although one is 10 years younger than I am. The rest of my "friends" are ppl in their 60's or older.

The friend that exhibits OCD traits...etc I find it hard to stand my ground and draw clear and understood boundaries that are respected by her. My worry is that if I do stand up to her and say "no!" she will have a fit and won't deal with me or want to be my friend. I am more of a passive person when I am around her. She is very Type A personality and head strong.

If you know of healthy ways to set boundaries with her and to say no to her when required without making her act out in angry way towards me or abandon me as a friend, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Calm]

Hi Zen, if you approach her calmly, I know this may me hard for you to imagine but you can use "I feel" statements with her when discussing the issues troubling you. You can say, "I feel like you have no regard for my feelings", or "I feel pressured by you." It's time to stop being passive and learn to say *NO* to her. You're allowing her to make you feel this way. You are the one responsible for your feelings. You're giving away your power to her, and it's high time you take it back. If she is a friend (big IF here), then she'll take the time to listen and hopefully understand. If she doesn't and throws a hissy fit, then you've done all you can do to change the dynamics of this relationship, and it may very well be time to walk away. Just remember that anyone who doesn't honor your boundaries is not respecting you, and they don't deserve your friendship. You're not a door mat, Zen. Please remember that. You can be assertive with her, and by doing so that will be the only way you'll know for sure if she's a person you want to continue having anything to do with. Say, "Yes, I can, yes, I can." over and over and then go do it. Practice saying "No", too, at the same time. Cheers, Zen and take gentle care. Calm

[Bruce.]

Originally Posted by Zen888

If you know of healthy ways to set boundaries with her and to say no to her when required without making her act out in angry way towards me or abandon me as a friend, I would greatly appreciate it.

Hi Zen888,
I have an OCD friend too, she didn't even know what she had for the longest time, she thought she was crazy.
I can explain your friend’s actions in simple “Order of operations”.

1.You kinda said yes
2. You hinted that you couldn't afford it right now.

In your friends mind

1 You kinda said yes, which means “yes” because she probably understand kinda.
In order to check that off her list she has to see you make the commitment by getting out you cheque book. “Step 1 complete”, now on to step 2.
2 You hinted that you couldn't afford it right now. “This is a 2 part statement”
2 Part 1. She understands that you can't afford it right now, so she acknowledges that in her response. “Step 2 Part 1 complete.”
2 Part 2. You said: right now. Which means you can later, right? 2 Part 2 is still open so... In order to address operation 2 Part 2 She asks: can I put you down as an IOU donation for $25? “Your yes or no will complete the order of operations”
You have to realize that it’s not about you; it’s about that charity and the commitment that she made to it.

My friend once told me: You don’t understand. My life is a nightmare “she was in tears at the time”. She asked: How can you just throw your papers on your desk and walk away? How can you do that? How can you just leave them there, it’s wrong! Why can’t you see that? That was before she knew What OCD was.
My friend’s life is triplicate. She has a sticky note “to buy more sticky notes” on a table by her front door. Lift the sticky note and there’s another one, lift that one and there’s another one, just for in case. Ask her why and she’ll say: Well you never know.

You have to understand that she doesn’t do these things because she wants to, or doesn’t care, or is willingly abusive towards you. She does them because she has to. That’s OCD.

It’s hard to be around OCD people, especially if you don’t understand. However, if you watch and listen, you’ll begin recognize your friend’s patterns. When you gain a better understanding of the world that she lives in it becomes much easier to be friends.

Hope that helps
Bruce.

[lynn P.]

Hi Zen,
I agree 100% with the way Bruce's analysis of your situation. You admit that you're a little passive so you kind of sat on the fence a little here, because you didn't want to insult her. When it comes to finances and the fact you just don't have it - she should understand. But give her a break since she has OCD. Next time you need to clearly say NO.
Since we're on the topic of NO, I would like t osay that many women do suffer the inability to simply say "NO". Why ? - because we're people pleasers, want people to like us and are afraid people may call us the B word. Oprah once did a whole show on this topic of people pleasing and how we do a diservice to ourselves all in quest of making others happy. Oprah herself admitted to having a huge problem with it, but she has since learned to be strong and say "NO". It will be a gift you give yourself to learn to be more assertive(not b-----) and say no when you need to. When you become better at it then you won't feel guilty about it and have to attach an apology like "oh SORRY I can't". Friends and family around you need to respect that you do have the right to refuse sometimes. So I encourage all people pleasers out there (LOL - to firmly say NO once in a while and don't feel guilty. No more fence sitting Zen - it hurts the butt LOL - just kidding

[Zen888]

Wow go Canada!! (I am Canadian too!! )

Thank-you for your helpful suggestions and advice. For right now I think I will just keep my distance from her to maintain my sanity. After spending a day with her or even just a couple of hours, I feel a sense of negative energy in my body if you know what I mean. She is a kind, loving, and sincere lady but her OCD behaviourisms drive me mad.

She told me one time of her typical daily shower routine and it made me feel as though I wasn't up to par. She shampoos and conditions her hair, uses body wash soap all over her body, shaves her legs almost every day, brushes her teeth in the shower, uses that special stone to remove dead skin cells from the bottom of her feet...etc. She stayed at my home for a week and her typical shower lasted for about 15-20 minutes!

Her immediate family has similar traits to OCD. So I think it is a learned way of living for her or genetic?

I just don't like having to walk on egg shells when I am around her or her family and I don't enjoy having to be intensely shy around her. I am naturally shy but when she is around I become more so.

[deliquesce]

WOW, bruce. that was a really helpful post. i only got diagnosed with OCD (very mild) a month back, but having it spelt out like that was like . made sense to me .

zen - i understand wanting to take a step back from your friend. that is ok. but i think it is unhelpful (to you, ultimately) if you place the blame for this solely on your friend's OCD behaviours.

e.g., your friends description of what she does in the shower - i am like - but doesn't everyone do this? my typical showers last 15-20mins also. but i have stayed with friends who haven't had a problem with this. they don't hear about my OCD stuff and think they are not "up to par". that is a judgement you are making on yourself - not something that your friend is responsible for.

you don't "have" to walk on egg shells around her, nor do you "have" to be intensely shy around her. my friends may ask about my shower routine, and when i tell them, they just shrug and say "sucks to be you". i think they have healthy boundaries and don't think that just because i think something is right for me that it must also be something that they need to measure up to.

as i said, i completely respect your decision to keep your distance from your friend. i keep away from ppl who trigger me too, even though it is my vulnerabilites that enable those triggers. but yeah... i just thought it might be helpful to point out how your perceptions play a role in this, just in case you do want to work on it and be friends with her again in time.

[Zen888]

I do very much want to be friends with her. I just don't know how to do it. How to make it a balanced healthy relationship. She is my only friend so that is why it is so hard to distance myself from her to keep my sanity in check and keep the peace between us. I agree my perceptions maybe off but I have never experienced someone with OCD traits before I met her. So I am like fish out of water if you know what I mean. It is very surreal to watch her daily routines, mannerisms, ........ list goes on.

[Maven]

On the shower thing...15-20 minutes sounds reasonable to me. I know many people recommend 10-, or even 5-minute showers, but I couldn't get done in that amount of time. Yes, my OCD is part of it, but I also have some physical difficulty, being overweight and out-of-shape. I take about 45 minutes. That includes washing my hair, by the way. Also, the dang shower mat keeps scrunching up, and it makes things very difficult for me...I have to be really careful not to slide, plus, it uses my muscles and tires out my legs in trying not to slip.

Aren't you supposed to use the body wash everywhere, and wash with a washcloth or pouf/mesh sponge everywhere?

LOL! I just found instructions:

How to Take a Shower

[Zen888]

I do wash my body everywhere with a bar of organic soap. I guess I'll have to look into buying some organic body wash liquid soap?

[Maven]

I used to use soap, but body was is much better for me. Doesn't slip out of my hand. Well, the bottle could, but I don't hold that the whole time, and it doesn't get all slippery when I set it down.

[breathe_sulfur]

my partner has OCD... I'm new to the world of it... I knew nothing of it, although I've known him for years, I had no experience of it. It's interesting to read other people's stories; it helps it all make a bit more sense