[IchbinkeinTeufel]

The title says it all. This is a pretty depressing thread, ... so, ... you know, ... take care when reading.

It comes and goes, but right now it's in the come stage. (giggety) It's such an immensely strong and unrelenting feeling of dread; a loud ticking clock. Just to confirm: I'm obsessed with my own eventual death. I'm sure this all fits nice and snug with severe depression, but I do have OCD, and it's also pretty bad, so I'm gonna just go ahead and guess that I am obsessing over death, and ruminating/seeking reassurance, are my compulsions. I've always had fear or indifference to death (I guess we all are, in some way) and have gone through patches of real fear and depression over it.

This fear and depression about it, really started to hit me, when people in my family started dropping like flies - cancer came up a lot. My dad lost a few friends, also to do with cancer for some. I became so aware of my mortality, and no matter where I went, it was there. Just when I got past it, or shoved it under the table, someone else died, or someone else fell ill. We've recently lost my aunt, an incredible, strong, Scottish woman, of whom I dubbed my heroine, because she was so strong and I admire her for it; she held on until the very end, and that is how I will remember her: a fighter. Death has never been something I've dealt with, or properly. I hate to say this so often, but it's relevant: my ex was suicidal, and she made a good few attempts; I'm sure that didn't help. When I was a kid, my grandparents died, and I didn't know, then my mother just told me mid-conversation, not realising I didn't know - I was just angry, confused, and I so cried - strange as they were, I loved them. I never even got to go to their funeral. When I was younger still, my mother's boyfriend lost his mother, and that event was essentially handled by getting me out of the way, and focusing on Easter. It's funny, I should like Easter, but somewhere in mind, Easter feels like death, not the celebration of life. So I never went to the funeral, even though I had met the woman and actually quite liked her. I used to be pretty suicidal, even once had a flimsy, drunken attempt, and now that those days, including self-harm and general self-destructiveness are gone, I now feel the opposite: instead of wanting to die, I want to live. I have such a strong desire to live forever, experience everything, learn everything, meet everyone - just want to live.

Death scares me. I could be happily doing something, then it hits me, ... the sense of dread, the sense of unimportance of what I'm doing, the hours left on my clock; it all smacks me right on the face, and it can take days to shift that feeling, perhaps even longer. It's so hard to be in the moment, or to enjoy anything, when you're constantly faced with the pointlessness of everything; it's terrifying and lonely. Don't even get me started on the fearing of being alone, and dying alone.

[starbright777]

With a few exceptions, I could have written your post. My OCD has shifted to health concerns because I don't want to die. Like you, everyone around me is getting older (i'm 50) and passing on. I wake up in the morning and wonder why should I even get out of bed? There is no meaning to anything. When I die the world will continue just like any other day but it will be my turn in the box. I used to smoke so I'm always worried about lung and throat cancer. Like you, I flirted with a semi-serious suicide attempt. The irony is I couldn't take the mental agony anymore so I wanted to die - but the reason why I had the emotional agony is because I didn't want to die. Death scares me too. Where do we go? is there even a hereafter? are we harshly judged? I've been good but no saint. I just cant take that this is all there is and that it all adds up to a big nothing on the charts of life. My therapist tells me that our meaning in life is the relationships we have with the people around us - to love, to help, to comfort, to share in joy, sorrow, etc. I haven't even been that great with gathering friends along the way - I come from a big strong Irish family and we were always our own friends. Nobody would even be at my funeral. Oh well, I could go on and on and on but I won't because I don't want to depress you further. Just know there is a like minded soul out there struggling with the same thing, trying to find my way, trying to find meaning.

Starbright777

[allme]

Hi... I couldn't read all your post through fear it would trigger me but I also obsess about death....at times it plagues me

Sorry you do too I don't have OCD by the way but anyway, I understand.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Thank you so much, guys.

Starbright777, what you said, means a heck-of-a lot to me. Would've been great to meet you in person, to have heard you say all that. It's really nice to know I'm not alone with this. Your therapist makes a good point. Big hug for you, my fellow morbid poster. Hah.

allme, I'm really sorry if anything I said triggered you in any way or form. I appreciate your posting.

One of the problems I experience, is the feeling that I have no purpose. I sometimes talk to my brah about this, and he says that doesn't need to feel a purpose to just get on with it; for him just being is enough. I envy people so much, that can go through like that blasé. I need a purpose! I know this sounds stupid, but the only times I've felt a sense of purpose, are when I'm in a relationship, in-love, and being by someone's side; that gives me a sense of purpose. I feel like I have a lot to offer, and I don't mean crap like money, I mean love, care, support, and more, ... guess I'm still waiting for a woman I can claim purpose. Hah. How fudging cheesy is that? Knowing me, though, even if I did find such a woman, I'd probably still feel crappy about death; it isn't just about companionship, after-all, but I'd certainly at least not feel like I was facing it alone.

[Thompson1031]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

The title says it all. This is a pretty depressing thread, ... so, ... you know, ... take care when reading.

It comes and goes, but right now it's in the come stage. (giggety) It's such an immensely strong and unrelenting feeling of dread; a loud ticking clock. Just to confirm: I'm obsessed with my own eventual death. I'm sure this all fits nice and snug with severe depression, but I do have OCD, and it's also pretty bad, so I'm gonna just go ahead and guess that I am obsessing over death, and ruminating/seeking reassurance, are my compulsions. I've always had fear or indifference to death (I guess we all are, in some way) and have gone through patches of real fear and depression over it.

This fear and depression about it, really started to hit me, when people in my family started dropping like flies - cancer came up a lot. My dad lost a few friends, also to do with cancer for some. I became so aware of my mortality, and no matter where I went, it was there. Just when I got past it, or shoved it under the table, someone else died, or someone else fell ill. We've recently lost my aunt, an incredible, strong, Scottish woman, of whom I dubbed my heroine, because she was so strong and I admire her for it; she held on until the very end, and that is how I will remember her: a fighter. Death has never been something I've dealt with, or properly. I hate to say this so often, but it's relevant: my ex was suicidal, and she made a good few attempts; I'm sure that didn't help. When I was a kid, my grandparents died, and I didn't know, then my mother just told me mid-conversation, not realising I didn't know - I was just angry, confused, and I so cried - strange as they were, I loved them. I never even got to go to their funeral. When I was younger still, my mother's boyfriend lost his mother, and that event was essentially handled by getting me out of the way, and focusing on Easter. It's funny, I should like Easter, but somewhere in mind, Easter feels like death, not the celebration of life. So I never went to the funeral, even though I had met the woman and actually quite liked her. I used to be pretty suicidal, even once had a flimsy, drunken attempt,

I have been obsessed with death ever since I could remember, I grew up to be Goth, still identify as Goth some would say I have necromancy. I have tried to kill my self with drugs, that didn't work, i sobered up attempted suicide three times, medical attention came too soon. My necromancy now has turned to a heathy fascination and respect with all things death. I suffer from OCD to trust me, unless a medical doctor sais, your not going to die, you just need to put for faith in doctors

[zapece]

This is the first thread I have seen that touches on how I feel day to day.
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with death rather than being aware of the fact that I am on a clock that is counting down and which highlights the futility of life itself.

I'm not suicidal, nor as far as I can tell do I have a mental illness of any kind, its just plain logic.

Life = temporary
Life = no purpose

I am an atheist so for me there is no higher God just existence here and now.

Therefore life = pointless.

As life is pointless there is no point in living it.
Without a purpose or point to something there is no reason to do it.

I also see other people who say grab life by the horns, find a passion, do what you love, make friends and family money etc the focus of your life....blah blah blah.

The only way I am going to get passionate about life is if technology manages to lift the death sentence over me by making me immortal in some capacity.

Then I would take an interest as I would have an infinite amount of time to understand and explore the environment maybe even coming up with the answer to the big question ie WHY?

Otherwise I'm going to take that 80 odd years people get and play some video games, drink beer, eat takeaways and try to escape the constant thought of the impending death sentence as much as possible.

In short, not scared, I'm just sick of living every day with my head stuck on the chopping block waiting for the axe to come down at some random moment..

I think about death, at least once every hour. I can't believe I'm just like everyone else. Growing up has been hard to me. I was oblivious to the harsh realities of life as a kid, I felt more like a cartoon character than a real person. When you're very young, you don't think about mortality, at least I didn't. but Then the reality of life (or death) slowly revealed itself to me as I grew up.

Now I realize, I'm just like everyone else. I'll live and I'll die. I'll grow old, get sick and die, or some unnatural cause will cut my life short.

Sometimes it depresses me, other times it temporarily 'liberates' me, I go through short bursts of 'I'll do whatever I want, life doesn't matter!', and then I sink back to "what's the use? why fight? Life doesn't matter". There's a constant battle raging in my head.

I love pets. Dogs, cats..... they convince me that life is worth living. That's why I spend a lot of time with them.

I'm sorry if my post causes anybody any discomfort, I'm feeling really horrible today, and when I saw this thread, I just had to post.

[transient]

I apologize that this is long.
I can relate to most of what everyone is saying here. I've been interested in death ever since I could remember. It's probably my nature since I was pronounced clinically dead after I was born but I somehow came back. I used to be so obsessed with death that it would tie into my depression and leave me unable to function. It's been almost a half a year since I've been down that black hole, so I do feel like I'm getting better enough to give advice.

I'm an eclectic pagan, but don't necessarily believe in gods, or the afterlife. I've had a few near death experiences as well, but they aren't suicide related. Part of me does think that it can be logical to have our consciousness live after our bodies die.
I still struggle with the question "does life matter" because I can always come up with different answers. One of the answers that I like the most is:

Taking in the fact that we truly have no evidence of reincarnation, heaven, etc. We only have a limited time here. We can make the best of it if we try. As I see it, time is what we perceive, so if we feel that the clock is running out for us, our time here will seem short. If it feels like every moment takes forever to pass, we can easily make the most of our present (or agonize over how slow life is passing us by).
Sometimes I think that life is meaningless, the universe/ deities don't care about life- it just creates it and destroys it. but I think that even in death, there is some form of life, because I think that all matter is a form of life. and I think we can create our own meaning, even if we believe the higher powers, or lack thereof, proves that there IS no meaning.
I think there's meaning in life, and there's meaning in death. You can see it in the animal kingdom when a scavenger eats the body of another animal. We all live off of someone's death- the plants and animals we may eat, the cells that live and die in our bodies to serve their purpose for us, the microbes in the dirt we use to grow food, etc.
Our bodies are still energy even after death. Death itself is an illusion, and if you look into quantum physics it can explain it a lot better.

I feel like I need a purpose to keep going, too, but I don't have one yet. So I keep living for the day when I find mine. Also, the presence of plants and animals, and random kind people who have a brilliant aura and smile at me keep me going, as weird as that may sound. Whenever I think negatively about death I try to turn it around into something positive, otherwise I'm going to obsess until it triggers my other mental illnesses.
If I get too deep into the hole and start fearing my death enough to mess with my functioning, sometimes just remembering this helps: I could go at any moment. I will have enough time to think about death when I'm dead, so why not go on living now?

Somewhere, I read a conversation between a child and a mother which the mother later used as an analogy for life and death, that went something like: "Child: I really want to eat all that cake, but I'm gonna be sad when it's gone because I can't eat it after that. Why should I even eat it if it's going to end up being gone? Mother: So you can enjoy it while it lasts".