Hoarding

Just breathe. What are the chances of him showing up? Does he do that a lot? Is there anything simple you can do to get started? The kitchen counter is where I had been concentrating on for my own mess. Try to be calmer.

I live in a house now, so I no longer fear the landlord, but I do worry that someone who would report us will see. I know what that paranoia is like. We had a B**** of a landlady in our last apartment (this wasn't just us who felt that way about her), who blamed us for a leak in our downstairs neighbor's apartment, even though we honestly knew nothing about it and hadn't been running the water. (She and her cohort, the maintenance man, found nothing, but I know they didn't believe us.) It's very nerve-wracking when you know they can come at any time.

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The landlord screamed at me to clear the clutter out when I called him in June begging him to spray bug spray because there had been a centipede in my bed on my leg. He doesn't really come in here but he knows how bad it is. I told him I'd be clearing it out this summer but it looks like maybe that's not going to happen and I was really counting on my friend's help.

Well, I get paranoid, no matter what is going on... so it is completely unrealistic to be worried about him showing up and...

I do have a friend coming over on Friday so as to give me motivation to get something done. I keep telling myself--This time do not cancel!

I hope you'll keep your meeting with your friend, and do some cleaning up. When I was young, that was always a great motivator. But my apartment wasn't really that bad back then, so.....

I hope you both achieve your goals. It's hard. I just want everything cleaned up, new things brought in (for example, I'm planning on getting a computer desk) AND (it's a big AND) all done in accordance to my OCD. I don't want to wait for months. It's just ridiculous to waste more time. But I can't do it on my own.

I cancel things sometimes, too, somat. You just don't want all the anxiety, racing thoughts and pressure.

Angelique, I hope you find someone who can help. I know what it's like having a landlord (or lady, as was my case) get on you. While I agree they have the right to expect their apartments kept in good condition, I think there has to be leeway for those of us who deal with mental and/or physical disabilities.

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Well, my friend ended up cancelling (or did I cancel?) Both, at some point or the other... But I am going away at the end of the month and need someone to take care of the cat so will have to do something about it...

I am not sure if my allergies and stomachaches are caused by the mold/dust or what... also not eating, smoking too much, and eating poorly... But I feel crappy about it all. How hard can it be to cover the basics?

To make things even worse, my cat keeps bringing live mice inside and sometimes he doesnt finish them off... so now there are mice, too!

Oh well...

My friend has told me we will likely be working on my place for a week this month. So as the time gets closer I'm getting very nervous. I don't know how this will work out but I hope it will be OK.

Well, this time there is no way out. After various failed attempts to have someone over, I am going away for a few days and have someone taking care of my cat.

Now, the house is a bigger mess than I can possibly fix before I go. I will do what I can (kick me if I am on here in the next few hours), but I am so ashamed of what she will see... And I dont know how bad it is since I am so used to it. I am so used to the mold and dust.

But what good is being self conscious? The woman coming knows my issues with other things... And she doesnt have to stay long to see my cat... Well, either way, I am finally having my place seen by someone, after god knows how long... ahhh.

Ok, ok, cleaning what I can. She will manage. And if I stop being so ashamed, I may actually be able to do something about it... Eventually I may even get rid of the garbage and recycling (I havent got rid of recycling in 2 years).

I should be doing some work here on my own but I just can't get started. My friend brought some boxes by on Sunday and I haven't boxed anything up. I haven't been doing anything. I'm very worried. He'll be back on Saturday and we have to work very fast Saturday and Sunday. We aren't going to have a week like he initially promised. It's just a huge mess of a situation. I was so looking forward to clearing the place out and now it looks like only a little will get done.

ETA: I got so upset on Sunday when my friend left in a fit of anger. The clutter is just draining my life away and I have to get free from it. Now I don't know when it will happen. My physical limitations still shock me. I truly can't do anything on my own (yet, if ever).

Well now he isn't coming again and due to his own circumstances he won't be able to help me probably for a long time. I'm stuck buried alive. It's hard to think of a reason to stay alive.

In my opinion people that suffer from hoarding disorder ARE LONELY. Every single object in house, that is full of stuff, means a good memory, a special feeling of that past moment that is close to heart, but what you don't have at present (happy time with friends when you were younger or girlfriend, wife - that is not here anymore). If you were in a music band when you were young, played with a guitar and it was best fun days in your life and you lack of fun days like that today, but you think that it is impossible to have something as fun as it was today or in future, you will probably start buying one guitar after another and by doing that experience buying something from that fun past, attach those memories to this new guitar. Will it be easy to let go of that guitar without admitting that past is past, let it go, live today, value what you have today? Life in 5 years can change more than you think. You create it. So I believe that people with this disorder lost a loved one, or life is not as it used to be, so they attach to material things that remind of pleasant moments in their life. But getting New stuff is creating new fake happy emotions (multiplying that was good), and I repeat myself - from being lonely. They probably spend time alone when they get that thing. That is why it is hard to let go to all of those things in the house (they are attached to your heart). People with hoarding disorder can't let go of their past, live attached to it and don't live in this moment or expectation of what new great fun, full of people future they can build. Start loving yourself and new people will start want to be near such person. How much you respect yourself, only at that same level you can respect other human beings. That is why people avoid ones that don't respect themselves. Loving yourself is higher stage. Start new page in your life. Love yourself. What you would love your life to be like if there were no boundaries, no limitations (first thought is usually the most right one)? What is the most important thing you must do in order to make that shift? Ps.: I have no degree in Psychology, just my opinion on what I wrote. I attached to stuff myself when I was young, when I was at school.

Well, we got about 3 boxes done. The place looks messier if that's even possible. I'm so sad and discouraged I just don't know what to think or do.

There's some kind of stuff all over the bathroom floor now too. I don't even have a broom to sweep it up. I'll have to beg my friend to go get me a broom. I'm so sad and alone. Locked up in the witch's tower like Dorothy.

It always looks messier before it looks cleaner. Getting three boxes done is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Thank you. I just wish I could get things done on my own too. And not have to depend on help. If only my back weren't so bad I could work on it properly and see some improvement.

It sucks that you can't do it yourself because of your back, but I am glad you have someone helping you take care of the physical part.

That's the problem though. I don't know if or when my friend will ever help again. We did 3 of the easy boxes. There are other much worse areas.

Ohhhh, okay, I see what you mean

just curious, how many of you are renting? do you get nervous about being found out?

i suppose, of course, that cleanliness and build up of stuff are separate issues, but they do seem connected...

I rent but the landlord knows the place is a mess. He screamed at me and threatened to evict me. I wish I could do this myself but I can't.

Just checking in because of my friend's incredible help.

@maven , where are you with your efforts? I hope really really good.

So, while I was in the hospital in April, my friend came by and packed up nearly everything left. I feel so much more free, even though I want to rummage through them to hopefully make sure we won't dump anything I am attached to.

Anyway, i am feeling so much better with almost everything packed up. I've thought of you this season, and hoped you're well!