Overwhelmed

im obsessed. with FOOD
cant sleep because of it.
i go from starving to bingeing…
i opened up with T but only made it worse.

how do i get the control back?
how can i control my thoughts?
i want to be free.
im thinking about sui cause i cant go on like this.
Please, someone help.

I'm sorry I don't imagine I have any advice that would be useful for you. But I noticed no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would. I guess the only thing I can think of to say is that I find, in my own day-to-day life, routine is very important. I do pretty-much the same things every day. And I do them in pretty-much the same way.

This isn't anything that is going to help with the thoughts you're battling. But, in terms of eating... I wonder if there might be some way to establish a routine that would help you to smooth out your eating schedule, so that you're not starving one day & binging the next. Perhaps your T could help you with this? I don't know... it's just a thought.

Thank you for answering, it is helpful.
I often make a list of what im going to eat during the day and often for the following couple of days. It is helpful, but sometimes i cant fight the urge to eat less or more... and then i feel so much worse.
Im trying to stick to the list and i hope this will ease the obsessing thoughts and urge feelings.
Maybe i'll talk about this with my T but im worried it will only make things worse as it is what happened after the last session...

Sorry to hear this, sinking.

Have you been diagnosed (or self-diagnosed) with a particular eating disorder?

Try not to lose hope. You certainly can recover from this.

Personally, I found that it was a slow process, with lots of relapses (and sudden improvements).

Opening up with your T is bound to make you feel messy, and exposed.

Do they have experience of eating disorders?

It might be worth joining a group with others in the same position.

Anorexia / bulimia are weirdly particular in the ways they get a grip on one's mind.

Big hugs.

My T did mention a possible ED, but we didnt dwell much on it since i opened up only 2 sessions ago. im not sure she can help. she has some kind of "ana group" but i dont think she thinks my situation is worth of much consideration. and this is why i left feeling upset and invalidated after last session. so im not sure i want to talk about it again, even though this is really disturbing to me.

im still trying to follow the list and its helping, but living with this food obsession is torture. you dont have any distraction and cannot avoid it completely as for addiction to alcohol, smoking, drugs etc. since you need to eat each and every day.
Thank you for your support.

If you find out, let me know. I'm a binger who is very overweight myself, and feel I cannot stop eating (unless I do some odd things, like drink a lot of coffee).

im underweight and want to lose more. i care now.
when i starve myself it seems so easy and my mind thinks "its just a matter of strong willpower".
when i binge its because my mind thinks "i'll eat this and this and this and etc. one more time and then i wont need to eat it anymore" but then i end up bingeing on whatever crosses my mind. as if i could "eat just one more time" and then i wont crave anything ever again. but it always happens…

when i starve myself i really feel like i could go on living forever without food.
when i binge i wonder how could i stay even only 1 hour without food.
when i care, i usually always manage to balance fasting and bingeing and still lose, but when i dont care i can allow myself to gain a lot of weight and the loop starts again. my mind gets caught in these loops that can last for months or more. fat - skinny - fat - skinny - fat - skinny… etc
the relief from this obsession lies only when i stop wanting food or when i stop caring about food and get fat. all in between is torture because of all these contrasting thoughts and feeling and urges….

Dont give up. Its going to be ok. Usually people with an ED have a history of sexual abuse in their past. Maybe dealing with that if it is the case will help. Just a thought.

Yes, i have a history of CSA but i dont see how its connected to OCD or ED??? i dont have any unresolved issues about my CSA....

People with a history of CSA often feel ashamed of their bodies because of it and then develop an ED.