OCD Or Not?

How did it go?

Mine went ok.

My idea did work - I think - although a bigger knife might have been better.

She still doesn't listen though.

It's like someone telling you something, but you don't really care and they know that, so you're thinking go to a therapist everyone else does, but they just want to annoy you and bring you down and stop you doing other things - like sucking you into their world, like vampires - metaphorically of course.

That's what it's like - she doesn't hear what I say and they start with medication will help.

I think every nurse is the same with a few exceptions - they all have a problem.
Every week I sit there and I'm like WTF ????
It's confusing, I see my psychologist and it's not like that at all.

I see my psychologist and leave feeling ok - I see my CPN and I'm just confused.

Thats what I felt like this week!! Not exactly that but pretty similar.

My CPN kept talking about the things I see/know, and how the early interventions team can help me, and I was starting to feel a bit weird about it.
I didn't really like how she was saying things.
Then she asks me "do you know what's real and what's not??'
And I didn't know what to say.
I can' t think about it that way, it's really hard!
I used to think certain things were in my head and others weren't, but now it's different, I can't think of anything along the lines of what she was talking to me about, as being unreal.
Because it is real! Thats the problem! They can't help me with everything because they don't believe in it!

She was talking to me about getting rid of the bits I wanted to. How I can keep somethings (like Michael), and get rid of the rest (like the demons)
But I kept telling her I don't think we have any control over that: the demons are demons, not figments of my imagination.
I don't think Michael will leave, I hope not, because he is attached to me.

But she wasn't listening atall.

When I got home I just burst out crying, cause she doesn't believe me, and before I thought she was starting to.
It was a horrible session.

She phoned me though to see if I was OK and say sorry if she hurt me.

I guess she did say to test it, by taking the medication, and if it stays then maybe I'm right. Which is kinda thinking about the possibility of it a bit.
But I'm scared that if I take it and things do fade, then most of what my life revolves around isn't really there, and that just hurts my head. And what if it is real, but they're insulted by me taking the tablets, and they leave anyway, so that I think it is in my head and I'm crazy.

The last few days have been hard.
Things just seem strange, and don't make sense now. Some of it's too unfair. My head is pulsating.

Yeah it sucks not to be believed

I don't think my CPN believes me at all - well I know she doesn't.
I see my psychologist tomorrow - she doesn't believe me, but she knows I believe it - at least she listens anyway.

It's like they all believe what they want them to believe and no one believes me and I'm the only one that knows how it really is.
Like a while ago I went to the police and they didn't believe me, they just phoned my doctor.

It must have been hard when she asked you if you know what is and isn't real.
Sorry it wasn't a good session for you, it sucks when you don't get believed, but it was nice of her to phone to check you were ok and say sorry.

I know what you mean about the medication - I don't want to either, but for a different reason.

Sorry I'm not much help right now.

Hope your next session goes better

When do you see your CPN next?

I see mine Friday - I'm feeling ok with it because my psychologist will be there as well

It went really well with my psychologist today and we drew something to help explain what was happening - so we're going to show the nurse and hopefully she'll understand then.

Monday. I see the Early Intervention people at the same time.

I'm glad it went well with your psychologist. Thats great.

I'm not doing so good.

I hope you're feeling better soon and I hope it goes better for you on Monday

Do you see a psychologist as well?

Mine has been really great and she's going to help get the CPN to believe me.

I really hope it goes well for you tomorrow though

Hello

I met my Early Intervention person today, she was allright.
It wasn't very fun.
But it could have gone worse.

They tried to talk me into seeing the Psychiatrist about meds today.
They want me to have a 'serious think about it', and I'm meant to come up with an answer by next Tuesday, don't think thats gonna happen though.

I keep telling them that they don't have as much control over things as they'd like to think, and I talked to them about the 4 categories.

I've been thinking about it, and I think there is God, and there is Satan, and there are humans, but there's something else. Thats where the things I see come out of.
The good and bad.
It's like a whole other universe, I mean a different category to what we fit in maybe. But it's operating here with us, and I can see it. And I don't know why my parents can't, when everything is happening. We're in the same room and they have no idea.
I don't know if that makes any sense. I haven't explained it very well.
But thats it sorta.

I don't know about the meds.

I don't wanna take them, but wheres the harm if I'm right.
It might make my parents happy atleast.
I don't know if they'll do anything to me, I don't think so.
I believe in what I see, but I know I'm not coping with it anymore.
So. I don't know what to do now. Or if anyone can do anything.
Argh. I just don't know. Thats all.

maybe you should ignore all of that

Hiya,

Sorry you're not coping and that your appointment didn't go so well.
It's good that you could tell the nurse what you've been thinking though - it's good that she knows.
It must be pretty confusing to think that and have no one else see it that way.

I feel the same as you about the meds, the nurse wants me to take them, but the man she came with last time said it would be great if I didn't need to - so I'm going with what he said and my psychologist.

I know you don't want to and you're not sure - but if you're going to consider it - you could try for a little while - just to see.
Then if you're right, like you said - where's the harm.

Just don't feel forced into it - it's your choice
If you haven't decided by tuesday - just tell them you need more time.
Don't feel forced into taking them unless you're sure you want to do tha.

Take Care

It went ok today, not great, was really hard with everyone there, I didn't say much.
The psychiatrist was there, my psychologist, my nurse and someone else, it really helped that my psychologist was there though, would have went much worse if she wasn't there.

My psychiatrist he stayed a little longer so we could talk together, I told him about what I was thinking about the nurse, he said it really helped.

Next week my nurse is off though, so I get to see the man she came with last week, he's ok, so that should be ok, well I've only seen him once.

I still get asked about the knife as well though.

Sorry your day was hard.

It's good you were able to talk to them about what you've been thinking though, and that it went okish. Im glad about that.

I had to take my 1st antipsychotic tonight, I'm not too happy about it, but they didn't give me much choice in the end.

It went from me telling them NO, and them saying well just consider it; to you need to think seriously about it, we'll give you a week; to here we go, take these!
I'm still feeling pretty pissed, but I don't know who to be angry with. Or if I should be angry with anyone, I know they're trying to help, but I'm just **** scared, to be honest.

Hope you're feeling OK now
xx

Thanks - I'm not to bad - thought the cameras outside had gone, they weren't there for 2 days, was 1 back yesterday though

So you've took your first one now - it's not so good they didn't give you much choice.
How you feeling?

I can see why you'd feel a bit pissed - because it's like they don't believe you and you feel kind of forced into taking them.
It's still your choice though - I'm not saying not to take them - just do what you think is best, that's all

I'd be scared to take any as well, but if you start to feel better, that will be a good thing

I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday - not sure why - he knows I don't want meds - he said there were other things to try, I don't know what, so maybe for that.

Take Care X

Kureha,

Can I ask you what it is that scares you about talking meds. What do you think will happen if you do because lots of people take them, and the meds really help them?

For instance, if you had a bad infection, strep throat or something, would you not take the antibiotic/meds to get that infection out of your body?

You say you see camera's outside and that people in the TV are talking to you. How do you feel about those things?

Yeah I get told they help a lot of people when they try to convince me to say yes.
I'm not saying that they don't though - because of course they do.

I rarely take an meds - but I do see your point there.

The reason I don't want to is because I don't think I need them and I really need to be alert and it would just make them believe me less.
Then the nurse said something which made me think about it more - so I told my psychologist and she understood so well.

Anyway the psychiatrist I was seeing kind of forced me to take a prescription (he was really nice - just that makes it sound like he wasn't) so the nurse said it was a really low dose.
I though it was low because I would just be starting them - so then I was thinking that must mean he didn't want me to take them, because he was unsure whether I was right or not.

The TV is helpful - it's not all the time - it's more like just telling me to be ready just in case.
The cameras suck - it started with 1 - then 1/2 - now like 10+ my parents think they are stars, but I know what they really are - but its scary to have people try and watch you and listen to what you're saying.

I understand your fear in not wanting to take the meds so that you can be alert, but what if taking the meds actually provides you with safety that you can't provide for yourself.

By the way, if you look at the side effects of the meds they want to perscribe to you, I am sure you will find that they have nothing to do with interupting your alertness.

Can I ask you another question. Do you think other people can actually see these camera's that you are seeing?

I'm not sure about the meds - I really don't think I need them, but I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.
I get what you're saying though, but they said I'd be calmer, if I am, then I really won't be alert.

Yeah I know other people can see them - they just see stars - I know what they really are.

Kureha,

Calmer is actually better for being alert.
When you are anxious or have anxiety, you are less alert, you can't think as straight. It's because your body is lacking in Gamma-Aminobutyric acid.

These are the results when your body lacks "Gamma". It actually results in you being less alert.

Moderate Anxiety
Selective attention (You can take some information in, but will leave other important information out because it becomes too much for your brain)
At this point you may need to have things pointed out to you.
(You may need people to help with you with problem solving because your ability to is starting to
decrease, and you can’t focus as well)

Severe Anxiety
Perceptions distorted
You can only focus on small/scattered details at this point
New stimuli can be overwhelming
Elevation in your vital signs
You can’t focus, because you become self absorbed in this stage

Panic Level Anxiety
Your unable to focus on the environment
You may feel terror, or emotional paralysis
You will experience disorganized, irrational thinking
You may have unintelligible speech
You will have feelings of dread and doom, like life is going to end
****Every person can experience this at some point in their life

I hope this helps you a little. I work in the hospital (nursing) and I see this all the time when people are anxious.
I will tell you this, the only thing I want to do is help them. I want to make things easier for them, I am in no way out to get them. It profits me nothing to hurt them, decieve them, ect.....there is nothing in that for me.

I am positive your psychologist and nurse feel the same way. The reason people get into those professions is because they want to help, they have a desire to help, and not to harm.
They only want to see you less anxious, so that things are not too overwhelming for you.
I assure you they are not out to get you. I don't even know you sweety, but I too would only want the best for you.

Thanks - Yeah that did help
I didn't know any of that.

I just like to be 100% sure that's all and I'm not totally there yet.

I seen my psychiatrist today and he let me choose from 3 different meds, he said I didn't have to take it - or I could try it for a few days and there would be no harm in just trying them.

Yeah I know they just want to help, well some more than others - but they think I need medication and I think I need the police.

I'll think about it though - maybe I just need some more time and I'm not really sure who to trust - except my psychologist.

I'm still thinking about whether I should take them or not - but maybe because I haven't taken them before - I'm just a bit scared.
I'll decide at the weekend.

Yeah my psychologist is awesome I can trust her with anything.

I'm worried about the people that are trying to kill me by infecting with with HIV.
I've seen a few of them and they have the cameras so they know what I'm doing, they already have some people believing what they want them to, like the nurse, my psychologist isn't with the early intervention team and she said that would never happen with her.

Everything was ok before that - I was worried about germs, but I was pretty good at avoiding things, and it was easier since I could just wash my hands or whatever and it would be ok, but that won't stop people trying to kill me - so this is a bit harder.

Kureha,
I totally understand you being a bit scared about taking meds, as I said, the unknown can do that, not knowing what to expect. However, you have a great psychologist who will help you out with that. I know you can trust her for that.

Before you starting seeing the cameras, what was going on in your life? Did something scary happen? Where you afraid of something? Do you remember a time when you didn't see camera's? If so what was that like?

Yeah my psychologist would help - she always does
I'm just still not sure I need them - there seems to be loads of reasons not to take them.

Well it's only been the last few months - just over 2 months I think, before I started seeing the cameras it was ok, just the same as always - my OCD was just the same - maybe a little better.
Nothing had changed - just the same as it had been - then I got like a kind of message from the TV and then noticed the cameras.

Hey Kureha,

When you heard the message from the TV, what was your first reaction. What were you feeling because of that news?

Also have you told your psychologist that a message from the TV sparked you seeing cameras outside?

Hi,

I was pretty scared at first - but then I thought it was actually good to know about it.
Well I didn't see the cameras straight after that was about a month later.

Yeah my psychologist knows all about it - she's the only I can totally trust, since she hasn't been influenced by other people.

Kureha,

I imagine it must have been scary at first. I am really glad that your psychologist has been working so well with you.

Do you still experience a lot of anxiety surrounding these issues? Since this has been going on for a bit, how safe do you feel now?