[Obsessed100]

Hello there,
Just wanted to see if there was anyone else out there experiencing the same as me. My story is as follows; I'm a 31 year old heterosexual male and until recently have never had any doubts about my sexuality. I have always been attracted to women. I spent all of my adolescent years chasing after girls/women, dated many women in my 20's and had a couple of serious long term relationships along the way. When I look back on my sex-life to date, I see it as one of a healthy heterosexual and when I think of my future, I only see myself with women. I have never been turned on by men and have only ever masturbated to straight porn. However, earlier this year I started obsessing about being gay. One day, out of the blue, I just started asking myself "what if I'm gay, but just don't know it yet? What if I've been in denial after all these years? You often hear of people coming out in their 30s, 40s, 50s, could I be one of them?" With all of these questions, came an overwhelming anxiety in the company of guys. I started asking myself if I wanted to kiss guys at work, at parties. Images of having sex with guys would manifest, and completely take over. I would constantly check myself for arousal. All the while asking myself, "why am I having these thoughts/doubts? I must be gay, only someone who is gay or gay in denial would have such thoughts"...and the spiral of obsession would ensue. Throughout this time, I had a long distance relationship that I was very much committed to - this may be a trigger for all of this but then again it could still be denial. We were physically together for just a few months (with a great sex-life) before she had to move back home at the start of the year to finish a degree. "Home" unfortunately was 5,000 miles away (literally) and in our naivety we thought we could somehow make it work. Other than a two week holiday together, we spent the year apart. At the risk of sounding crude, phone sex with her was, therefore, the extent of my sex-life. The distance took its toll and we broke up. This obsession has really taken over since then and I am in constant doubt about myself and my interests now. I have nightmares about being gay. The first thought that enters my head every morning is that I could be gay. I have lost interest in all of the things I love doing. I find it difficult to socialize or even be in the company of my best friends because I have this fear that I could be gay. I find it almost impossible to concentrate on anything. Watching a movie is even difficult. A good looking guy comes on the screen and images of kissing or having sex with him enter my head. I know deep down in the pit of my soul that I am straight yet these relentless thoughts continue to terrify me. I am still aroused by women when I don’t think about it but then I start asking myself if I actually like them or only think I like them. I have looked at gay porn and was repulsed by it. Then I think, "I'm only repulsed by gay porn because I'm in denial, and the realization of my homosexuality is causing me to be nauseous". So I check again, and have the same reaction. It’s a viscous cycle that I simply don’t know how to break. I have never wanted nor welcomed any of these thoughts nor have I ever been turned on by a guy yet the obsession of being a homosexual has taken over and is ruining my life. Does this sound like genuine obsession or could it be that I’m in denial after all these years? Apologies for such a long thread. Many thanks for reading it.

[e_sort]

to me it sounds like a genuine obsession. it's severely disturbing and disrupting to you, it doesn't have much basis -- you've never had involvement with men, and you aren't attracted to men sexually -- and you can't let it go. Constant doubt is a big OCD thing.

you probably know already that most people feel the occasional attraction to someone of the same sex, or fantasize about it, but that doesn't make them homosexual. it's just part of human sexuality. so occasionally imagining yourself kissing some guy doesn't mean much.

i've heard of other people with this, or some other kind of disturbing sex-themed obsession. I have some thoughts like that.

it does sound pretty rotten to me. are you in any treatment?

[Berries]

I totally agree, they are just intrusive thoughts and obsessions.
It doesn't mean you are gay.

[gimmeice]

Hello Obsessed100, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central. If you have any questions please feel free to private message any community liaison or moderator, here is a link to a list of forum leaders.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showgroups.php

I agree with the others who have posted, I have had similar thoughts, it is a normal thing to have these type of thoughts. It also sounds like ocd to me, though we can not diagnose you here, I do believe that you should seek treatment. One thing that I have to add is that an important thing to remember is that thoughts are just thoughts, they don't define you.

[Obsessed100]

Thanks so much for replying, every bit helps. I've only just started to see a therapist about this so hopefully this is the start of my road to recovery. Many thanks.

[Obsessed100]

Thanks for that Gimme. I've just started with a therapist (today actually) so hopefully on the road to recovery. Thanks again.

[newfiegirl]

Obsessed, how is it going?
Reason I ask is that I experience something similar. I've always liked guys, and have had several relationships-heck I was even married for 7 years.
In my early 20s, in my first counseling sessions, I had sexual thoughts about my female counselor. Scared me to death. Then the thoughts included other women. Over time they dissipated, and I went at least 15 years without these thoughts occurring (I'm 38 now).
But in December 2007, they just started again, out of nowhere. The thoughts are so tormenting, causing me to doubt myself and question myself. Why do I think this stuff? Does this mean I'm really gay? Does this mean I'm attracted to so-and-so? I've had thoughts of kissing friends of mine. Sometimes I've elaborated on the thoughts to see if it would really turn me on, and nothing happens. But I feel like I've completely shut down sexually. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and I want to enjoy the love and affection he gives me. (Guess I should point out that we are Christians and we've chosen not to have sex unless we get married). But you know...the tingly fingers and toes, the excitement, the happiness....it's not there when he kisses me. I feel like my libido is dead, all because of this stuff.
I never thought it could be OCD, and I'm wondering if I need help. I can't live in fear, I don't want to live in fear....I am afraid to be around my best friend because I've had thoughts about her. I'm scared to see her for fear this feeling will come over me that I'm attracted to her or something. I don't know how to deal with this, but it's affecting my life and it causes me great anxiety. I start to cry, I panic inside, I pray and I pray, and I feel so far away from God too. I feel so dirty. Even thoughts like, well maybe I WANT to be with her or I WANT to be gay - which is totally wrong. I know in my heart I want to love the man I'm with. Is there any hope for me...?

[ilovechristian]

wow..im so glad i found somone who is going through the same thing as me right now......i began freaking out out of no where when i had a dream i was kissing/hooking up with a girl...never once in my life had i dated or been sexually attracted to women....i have a bf whom i love and want to be with for the rest of my life..and now hocd has struck me...i get these unwanted thought s of maybe im turning gay cuz of my dream..or do i think that girl is cute? would i want to spend the rest of my life with a woman? does kissing my bf turn me on anymore? and its driving me crazy...i had three sessions with my first t who really didnt help me with this ocd now i have an appt when a new T and hopfully we will get somewhere about this because its bugging me and i just want to get back to normal with my boyfriend and now have these thoughts that make me sick!!

something to read about this topic:

"How Do I Know I'm Not Really Gay" -by Fred Penzel, Ph.D.
http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/am_i_gay.html

one day at a time...

/daynnight

[newfiegirl]

I haven't been here recently, and I have noticed some improvement.
I still wonder if I should consider talking to someone specifically about OCD. I shared it with my psychiatrist and she upped my Cymbalta dosage to help with the anxiety. But I just don't want to sugarcoat the problem. I want to deal with it and get rid of it. I'm still with my bf and really want to grow closer to him. The thoughts don't occur as much as they did before my meds increased, but they still occur from time to time. It's like, if I get aroused, it's almost like I'm asking myself what it is that's arousing me...geez why can't this just go away. It rips at the core of my very existence. I feel so abnormal and lonely sometimes. I know who I am deep down and that this is not me.