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#1
May 17, 2009, 09:44 AM
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What the hell is wrong with me?
I think one way and behave another. I have strong beliefs regarding how things should be, yet...I struggle to support them. I am fully aware that there is a structure which requires attendance, but I behave as though I couldn't care less that I'm not supporting that structure. It's as though it seems....No...correction: I AM alowing this destruction to manifest around me, fully aware that it is not right...not healthy and also fully aware that it can only result unfavorably...Yet...I simply do not care. I find myself verbally telling myself several times a day, "God..I needta do this"...."I've gotta do that"..."This needs to be paid".."dishes needta be done"...Hell, my domestic duties have been the first to suffer...and terribly. Even the attendance to my own self is suffering. It's all put onto tomorrow...."Yeah, tomorrow I'll start. I just need more sleep NOW..and tomorrow I'll feel up to it". (I have even told myself. "I'll procrastinate tomorrow".....O.O....what is up with THAT?). Tomorrow comes, and I feel the same...but worse. Now I have the guilt that I failed myself....AGAIN....(as well as those around me). I'm in the process of divorce, moving myself and dot away from this, yet damn it if I don't find 'something' to either add to my compounding pressure or postpone the move. It's as though I'm setting myself up to only prove to myself that I am the failure...to justify my inabilities....to reinforce my misery? Why, in God's name would I do that to myself....let alone to my daughter? (Screw my husband....couldn't care less how this effects him, as he's put me through 15 years of enough abuse as it already is). I constantly put others before me. Attend to being the help and guidance that they seek..Do what I can to fix their owies. All the while, ignor my own. Once again, justifying in my mind that BY helping others I am satisfying my need to nurture...(if only I knew how to literally nurture self). And when I am confronted with MY reality...I immediately go into shut-down mode..and sleep to hide from myself. I wakies from my hybernation, (varies in length...depending on the volocity of what I am confronted with)...and...start all over again. Fresh...energetic....positive...focused. Then..I begin to realize my surroundings again, and slowly slip back into the cycle of self-doom. (This process varies in duration, but usually cycles within a months time..I think). Ugh. I am aware that this needs to be corrected...I do want this to stop....yet, I can't seem to care enough TO fix it. I know I need help, but I talk myself out of getting it...using the 'convenient' excuse that I don't have time because we will soon be leaving the area ....so no point of seeking help here....(again, telling myself...Tomorrow....when we are moved to our new location...THEN I'll get the help I need...but then, rationalizing (lol) to self that "by that time, I won't need help because we will be removed from the cause of the entire mess"...(husband). I'm amazed that I'm even admitting this to all of you....as I prefer to carry the facade that I'm the strong one...always happy and humor is essential. Well...humor IS essential..but I think I've managed to utilize that as being more of my shield to protect me from the crap....Dunno anymore. And I know...after posting this, I'll only manage to find a means of rationalizing (lol) to self, that I had a weak moment, and "all really isn't as bad as this post sounds". Again, underminding my self-importance to self. I just needta face it....I'm up the creek without a paddle it seems. If only I'd listen to my own advice.....I'd be one happy camper FOR REAL. .....and now...to just press "submit new thread"....*closes eyes. clicks submit* Shangrala 
Last edited by Shangrala; May 17, 2009 at 09:46 AM. Reason: add in |
 Barn Owl
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#2
May 17, 2009, 10:15 AM
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Barn Owl |
| Shangrala
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#3
May 17, 2009, 10:43 AM
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Sounds to me like you are overwhelmed and very depressed, Shangarla. That's how I behaved when I was in the throws of depression. Sometimes, I have a day or two like that now.
Are you seeing a T? Are you on any anti-depression meds? If not, I'd talk to your MD at the very least.
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
| Shangrala
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#4
May 17, 2009, 10:53 AM
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I agree with Septembermorn: you are overwhelmed!
So much going on, and stress might allow you to "know" perhaps what needs to be done, but causes you to be unable to do them. Don't beat yourself up over it. For most, making a list helps immensely. But I doubt it can be a list on a small piece of paper, but something organized up on a white board with an empty square or circle to check when you have worked on it. Don't worry about which needs to be done first when making that list, just get everything on there...and you probably won't be able to complete the list in one shot either...but will need to add things as you go through the days. This phenomena allowed me to learn that it was demands that might not have been rational that ran me through life. I learned a new perspective about things: that some things really don't need to get "done", some things have a time line of their own no matter what I try to do, some things are very important but if they aren't done "on time" generally there is another opportunity to address them (though yes, sometimes there are consequences to being late.) You can ONLY do what you can do. When stressed as you are, that is very limited. Take time to do good self care, though it may feel as though you are wasting time doing so. This means take a break and do something fun with your daughter. PS I have never heard any of my dishes complain that they haven't been cleaned all week, nor had a floor that is dirty make me sick. Some things, even though delayed, look and function great once they are "done." 
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| Shangrala
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#5
May 18, 2009, 01:08 AM
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DON"T WORRY ABOUT IT!!! The world will not end if you are not at the top of your game......your limited energy is being directed at a divorce and to your daughter but NONE is going to you. To you first!! Always, or you cannot look after everything else. You are not negligent, you are not lazy and you can feel however you want..... Yes, I agree maybe good time to seek some help, sweetie. You are going through the painful realisation as I did, that you need help. I am also a coper and am often approached to sought out crisis, but you know, I say NO a lot now and calmly remind people that they are old and wise enough to sort it for themselves. I have to take care of ME first. And no, I do not believe that sustained fulfillment comes from nurturing others.......the fulfillment comes from nurturing yourself........then helping others. I am with you......keep the faith babe and TRUST in your process........ “Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy”Taoist proverb
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For all things Light and Dark.......http://thedemonrun.wordpress.com/  The only Truth that exists..... .........Is that there is no absolute Truth. |
| Shangrala
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#6
May 18, 2009, 05:19 PM
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Shangrala
I think one way and behave another. I think everyone does this sometimes I have strong beliefs regarding how things should be, yet...I struggle to support them. depending on what it is, maybe your beliefs are changing & the change is making you uncomfortable...so you fight it. I am fully aware that there is a structure which requires attendance, but I behave as though I couldn't care less that I'm not supporting that structure. Ohh yes...I know this. I think this probably has more to do with what your attending than it does with you...but I will read further...sorry for interrupting  It's as though it seems....No...correction: I AM alowing this destruction to manifest around me, fully aware that it is not right...not healthy and also fully aware that it can only result unfavorably...Yet...I simply do not care. Possibly depression I find myself verbally telling myself several times a day, "God..I needta do this"...."I've gotta do that"..."This needs to be paid".."dishes needta be done"...Hell, my domestic duties have been the first to suffer...and terribly. Yuck...that stuff is boring...I would dodge it too  All though, the more you put it off the more it stresses me  Even the attendance to my own self is suffering. It's all put onto tomorrow...."Yeah, tomorrow I'll start. I just need more sleep NOW..and tomorrow I'll feel up to it". (I have even told myself. "I'll procrastinate tomorrow".....O.O....what is up with THAT?). OMG!! Are you a Leo Were much better at motivating others to do things Not do them ourselves Tomorrow comes, and I feel the same...but worse. Now I have the guilt that I failed myself....AGAIN....(as well as those around me). I'm in the process of divorce, moving myself and dot away from this, yet damn it if I don't find 'something' to either add to my compounding pressure or postpone the move. It's as though I'm setting myself up to only prove to myself that I am the failure...to justify my inabilities....to reinforce my misery? Avoiding something uncomfortable...not productive..but it is human Why, in God's name would I do that to myself....let alone to my daughter? (Screw my husband....couldn't care less how this effects him, as he's put me through 15 years of enough abuse as it already is). I constantly put others before me. Leo thing again...we want everyone to want us, need us , to worship us*oops, that wasn't suppose to be audible* Attend to being the help and guidance that they seek..Do what I can to fix their owies. All the while, ignor my own. Once again, justifying in my mind that BY helping others I am satisfying my need to nurture...(if only I knew how to literally nurture self). And when I am confronted with MY reality...I immediately go into shut-down mode..and sleep to hide from myself. I wakies from my hybernation, (varies in length...depending on the volocity of what I am confronted with)...and...start all over again. woah...this is scarey familiar...can you see me!! *pokes at monitor*OK...now I feel guilty to *drags tail* Let me know when you figure out how to fix this one  Lk
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I can't help it... I'm a Leo
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| Shangrala
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#7
May 18, 2009, 09:00 PM
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There is nothing wrong with you, the thoughts that imply "you ought to" or "you should do this or that" are not authentic , they are old programmed tapes coming from someone who had an influence/expectation in your life that perhaps used guilt to motivate you.
When you are in the right mood you will do all the things you think you should do. You can chose to do those things any way you want to do them as well. Be happy with yourself of where you are at today. your going through alot of changes and its sressful. 
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| Shangrala
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#8
May 18, 2009, 09:04 PM
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Yes, LK..I AM a Leo! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Though, I never realized that it was my desire to be worshiped...*tongue-in-cheek*...but now that you mention it, I haveta admit, it seems to make sense. Awww.....*Pulls draggin tail out for you*...Err...wait a min. Maybe that' an area where wifie needs her hands to be and not mine..lol. Thankies, LK. You always make me laugh. I so love that. Shangrala
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| thelionkinglives
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#9
May 18, 2009, 11:17 PM
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__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
| Shangrala
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#10
May 20, 2009, 12:07 AM
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~smacks forehead~ I can't leave him alone for a minute without him going on for his need to be worshipped....and blamin it on bein a cat ~pulese~ I'm glad he made you feel better....grab his tail whenever you want BUT you gotta promise to yank hard and swing him around by it!!
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 ~Bearchic34~Loving wife of TheLionKingLives (LK) & mother of 4 amazing children and 1 that flies with the Angels "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." |
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#11
May 20, 2009, 12:13 AM
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 LK
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I can't help it... I'm a Leo
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#12
May 20, 2009, 02:02 AM
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LMAOOOOOOOO....You 2 make a great pair...! Imma jealous!! Thing is...maybe it's not so much the fact that he's goin about seeking worshipping..It's more like reminding everyone the fact that he likes to believe that everyone is??..(worshipping him, that is)...LOL (As I can sorta...a lil....relate to that myself....kinda...maybe....) I'm just not as obvious bout it..lmao. Gotta love those Leo's tho.... Shangrala
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#13
May 20, 2009, 10:26 AM
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No. I'm not on any meds, let alone seen anyone for anything relating close to this. Although I do realize that something isn't quite right with me, I talk myself out of seeing anyone, (wouldn't have a clue where to start, who to see or even what to say...."Umm..Yes. Hello. I need to make an appointment because I think I'm depressed.??"). I don't think its denial or embarrassment that keeps me from seeking help..I don't think anyway. I do admit that it sorta scares me to be on meds as I've seen what it can do to individuals when not prescribed properly. However, I also think that is something that I shouldn't allow to frighten me off as I am not giving myself a fair chance? I really don't know anymore. Thanks for your concern SM. I appreciate it. Shangrala
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