[JayL]

My feeling of people talking negatively behind my back turns out to be completly founded. A fellow co-worker who i'm friends with came up and told me what this person was saying about me to them and i wasn't surprised at all. I knew what was going on, as i'm extremely sensitive. I take in much more then your average person just having a casual conversation, so I knew what was happening when it started months ago.
.....anyway this person is now putting their hands on me at work and asking me to fight him and saying how he wants to kick my ***. I'm completely shocked that this is what they want to do to me because i'm ALWAYS nice even if i'm mad and know what he just said about me. But I don't want to fight at work because i don't want to loose my job, which means much more to me than him. But I will have to fight him because last night when i was going to my car he egged me on, to my back as usual, just as i was getting into my car. So i'm going to go psycho he's going to be thinking about me for the next 6-8 weeks when he's in a cast. I'm going to break this guys arm and hopefully not much more, i don't want to be in any legal trouble.

[silver_queen]

Can't you take legal action against him instead? I bet you can still get arrested/ warned for assault and you'll be the better man if you use the law against him than take things into your own hands.

[JayL]

I'm a firm believer that people should settle things in a reasonable way, which is why i'm going to talk to him and my employer just to let them know if he touches me and says he wants to fight that i will. If it happens i'll let him make the first move and then see what happens. I believe that if fighting is the way to a resolution then that is the way it should be, it's honorable. I think more people should go hand to hand instead of coming up with a gun or something. I just hope i don't get creamed. : (
....I haven't been in a physical confrontation since 7th grade. But If i do win i want it to be quick and simple. Bam...bam...see you in 6-8 weeks. Again i don't want to fight, but this kid who is younger than me needs to learn a lesson.

[JayL]

But...then again he is a minor....I'm not much past a minor but i am. You don't hear about younger kids bulling older kids much but since i'm 5'3" you can see where it comes from right? You would think he was older than me if you saw us side by side.
What would Mr.Miagi say?... i'm thinking he would want me to ignore it if i could, but if not i would have to face him off eventually.

-What a punk is all i can say.

[h0kie]

Honestly...as an employer, if you came to me and said so and so is doing this and if he starts something I will finish it...I would see you as no better than him. Ya know?

I am a firm believer in fighting is wrong. There are better ways to solve things. It sounds like your coworker is a young punk (ohhhh and there are many). I think you are right in going to your superior. However, I would make it clear that you do not want to bring violence into the workplace and would like a peaceful resolution to this situation. Then slip in, as an afterthought even, that if the situation does get out of control you may have to defend yourself.

Many employers will not tolerate fighting. Even if "he starts it", you may still be punished for participating. Lots of kids at work say that, "oh he hit me first". The school doesn't care. Each person is equally guilty if both are engaged. The only way you are not guilty is if you don't retaliate. Frustrating, yes. It's called a "No Self Defense" policy.

What about a restraining order? Since this person is obviously harrassing you? I think I know where you are coming from. Being bullied is frustrating and hurtful. Wanting to inflict harm back is normal. But think through the situation. Play out the "what-if" scenarios. Ultimately, do what you have to do to protect not only yourself, but your job. Don't act rashly.

Good luck!

[sometimes]

well said 1 day. donna fight. there's got to be other ways around it,

Cheerio, Sometimes

[drunksunflower]

what sometimes and 1 day said ...

best of luck

As a child who was bullied into becoming The Punisher, I can say from experience that fighting is not the answer. There's too much at stake. First there's your safety. You mentioned a gun or a knife. How can you be certain that this "young punk" will come to the fight empty handed? Second there's your job to consider, but since 1day explained better than I could I'll leave that issue alone. My advise, listen to 1day. Oh, and if you really want to get under this guys skin without violence, you could say something to the effect or "I'm terribly sorry that there's an empty void in your life that you feel the need to fill by inflicting pain on others. You will most certainly be in my thoughts. I pray that someday you will find peace. Take care and have a nice day." Then walk away. I've found this to be a very effective tool when dealing with people who act in this manner. You must decide, however, if this approach couldlead to violence. I guess what I'm trying to say is be the better man. Why waste your time with physical solutions. There are so many better ways to handle this. Just my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth. Take care and good luck.

Ryan

[sqrlb8]

The bile of injustice is bitter indeeed, but less so than what you could taste on the other side of this altercation, should it occur. Everyone loses a fight. It's never a good idea. Get a grip, yer better than that.

i think that everyone here said such reasonable things and i especially like what Ryan said. this person is doing this because of a defect in him.......not you....he's trying to fill an empty space and this is what he knows. on the other hand, i've posted to you before and i've been so impressed with the way you see life. please re-consider and do not fight him. your job and your self-respect are too important. always remember self-respect..you won't have it, if you fight him.....xoxo pat

[JayL]

I'll see what happens. He's not the only one who is trying to start crap though, it's getting worse since i'm not defending myself. I can't be a doormat, once you actually fight things are usually totally different. You have a certain respect and if you do fight again its usually within a week, after that it doesn't happen again. I will talk to the employer though and let them know the situation, so at least i have a chance of staying on if things heat up. Plus if they do heat up i would hope it would stay between us and not lead to management.
I've been needing to do this for a while so let's hope i kick some a right? It's a society thing you all know what i'm talking about.

[nothemama8]

JayL you need to go to management, let them deal with this, if you do fight him no one will look at you with respect, it is called fear, granted back in the old days men always duked it out but as was said before someone has to lose, tell management you are being harrassed, be a real man and walk away from a fight.
Angie

I hate to say it but I don't know what you mean. This is far from a flame here and I hope you find no offense in it. I completely agree agree with your unwillingness to be a door mat. However, it doesn't take kicking the crap out of someone, or getting the crap kicked out of you, to stand up for yourself. All the advise given in this thread are excellent examples of taking a stand in a positive manner. I hope that you'll refrain from fighting. There's nothing glorious about it. Take it from someone who's lost control in the heat of the moment and taken things too far. There are better ways. Good luck with whatever approach you use.

Ry

[Wants2Fly]

This is what I understand to be true, but I'm no legal expert.

1. Physical violence is assault. It is prosecutable by law. He can start the fight, and if you win, turn around and press charges against you. Even if there were witnesses, things can get all twisted around in the courtroom. I would urge you to avoid violence. Many insightful things have already been said about this. Perhaps one of the things we all have to wrestle with as a matter of character is to how to lose gracefully upon occasion.

2. I would be very cautious about zinging this guy with words. I heard a very interesting thing on NPR a day or two ago.

The last thing most frequently said before a person gets shot is, "Yeah, go ahead and shoot me then" to the person holding the gun, according to the investigating officers nationwide. It never happens to the heros in movies, they contemplate, so people think it is brave and the assailant will back down. Police say -- give the person with the gun whatever they want, quickly, and be respectful. Do not ever say, "Go ahead and shoot me." I think being clever with words in such a situation is a variation on the "Go ahead and shoot me" theme.

3. I've had to take 2 seminars on harrassment law this year, complete with tests and certification, at both colleges where I teach. If your employer is not aware of harrassment guidelines, look it up on federall websites. Being threatened is not okay. Is not even legal.

This is a tough situation. I think the thing to remind yourself is that it will take great inner strength not to take the low road. If you learn the self-control and self-respect to behave with reason, and visualize a positive outcome without coming to blows or even a shouting match, you will rightfully feel proud of yourself in the end.

[JayL]

Well everyone, thanks for all your support, i kept your advise close to the heart, and talked to the management about what was going on while saying as little as possible. They were surprisingly fair and listened seriously to what i had to say. I thought they might shrug it off and think i was wasting their time bothering them with such issues. But they said simply, "that if we fought we both be terminated on the spot regardless of who started it." They said that even if we "mouth of to each other" we may be terminated. So I explained that I have been courtious and respectful to him but for some reason he is saying this and that and he wants to fight me. But if he did say something or attack me and I didn't attack back what would happen? They said he would be terminated, I would be safe, but i'd have to not put my hands on him.
...well i don't feel good about not defending myself but at least i know how to handle it in case it were to happen.
...Anyway I was scheduled to be working with him today, which is why i talked to the management ahead of time, and i was all ready for things to happen, and for it to be over with, but the kid doesn't show up and has his mom call in sick for him. What? I guess we may have both lucked out because there was no way i could have just let him antagonize me after i was all ready to go psycho, and it's also good timing because he will be gone on spring break vacation untill the 30th of this month. Huh....oh well, i was almost looking forward to releasing some pent up agression to be absolutly honest, but hey, it's all for the better i guess. At least untill i see him next...but don't worry i'll try to talk things out before doing anything physical, and for me to go psycho he'd have to attack me first so no worries and thanks again for the advice and support. J>L

you warmed my heart, this morning, jayl.......good for you!!

[JayL]

Yes, thankyou....but i won't lie, i still want to beat that kid senseless, but i probably won't. I'll kept it professional for old good times sake. ; )

[January]

JayL,

One day made wonderful suggestions and I advise you to follow her advice.

I have one other bit of advice. Get a micro mini recorder and without the bully knowing it, record his threats. You can't use it in court, but you can certainly let your employer hear it. You will save your job and your boss can find someway to fire the bully without the situation escalating into violence.

My best to you.

January

[JayL]

Great idea! I will get one because i've always thought it would be a good tool to see how I interact with people. Of coarse, i know that for the first little while i may act different because of my awareness of it, but it wouldn't be long before i acted as usual. Plus you could do audio journals and even gain confidence by hearing yourself speak, and learning to talk louder and clearer. I look forward to getting on the ball with this and i'll let you know how it turns out._J>L