Kicked out of home

I guess because I am paying board that they are saving for me, it's kinda like putting money in a money box or a money pig . . . whereas I want to be paying my way so that I am not a burden on anyone.

I also want to know for sure if it's going into a money pig. So far it always has been, even though they have said it's not.

No, it doesn't . . . not if they are simply saving the money for me for later on. The point of me paying board apparently is so that I don't have enough money to spend on junk food, etc, and that i will be forced to get a job.

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There is no difference.



I don't know what you mean by this. I'm just saying that I want to make sure I don't cost my grandparents any money by staying with them.

I agree completely.

Thanks for your advice and support.

BT....

I want to encourage your independence and offer you support on your journey to gaining it.

I also need to say that, even though you moved out of your parents home, it doesn't seem to me, at least, that you have moved out of this dependent situation. You have just relocated to a different geographical location. It seems to me that nothing else has changed, and you yourself even said that there is no difference.

Look....you need to speak with your Grandparents directly and find out, from them, what they expect/need from you as far as payment for room and board. This should have been something that should have been discussed before you even moved in with them, so you could all be on the same page.

You need to understand, when you pay money for room and board, you are paying to live in the space that your Grandparents have made for you at their home, and depending on what you decided, also for some bills. PERIOD. Whether they decide to spend this on paying the bills, or buying the groceries, or going out for a nice dinner, the fact is, you pay the money to them and then it is no longer your money. If they choose to save that money for you in a piggy bank or something, then this is their choice and generosity. But their generosity does not dismiss you from paying for your space. They have a right to spend their money any way they want, and once the money exchanges hands from yours to theirs, it is their money.

Why is it that you cannot take the money that you are paying your Grandparents and were paying your Parents and get your own place, even if that's just renting a room out of someone else's home (non-family related). Then there could be a rental contract put in place and you would know what was expected of you and I guarantee you your landlord would not save your money for you.

This would be a step towards independence, whereas I see your moving in with your Grandparents as just another attempt to avoid taking responsibility for yourself and your finances.

If this makes you angry, I apologize. I am not saying these things to make you angry on purpose, but more to help you gain some higher understanding.

It's time for you to leave the familial nest and take care of yourself.

No there is not much of a difference, except that I do not feel comfortable living with my grandparents and am more likely to look for work, etc.

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Look....you need to speak with your Grandparents directly and find out, from them, what they expect/need from you as far as payment for room and board. This should have been something that should have been discussed before you even moved in with them, so you could all be on the same page.

I have spoken to them and they have agreed to let me pay the bills, (gas, power, water) etc. I think this is fair enough, as I also drive them to the shops, fix things, etc.

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You need to understand, when you pay money for room and board, you are paying to live in the space that your Grandparents have made for you at their home, and depending on what you decided, also for some bills. PERIOD. Whether they decide to spend this on paying the bills, or buying the groceries, or going out for a nice dinner, the fact is, you pay the money to them and then it is no longer your money. If they choose to save that money for you in a piggy bank or something, then this is their choice and generosity. But their generosity does not dismiss you from paying for your space. They have a right to spend their money any way they want, and once the money exchanges hands from yours to theirs, it is their money.

I understand the concept, yet I find this unacceptable. I need to know that when I am using electricity, that I am not adding to my grandparent's expenses, etc. . . .

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Why is it that you cannot take the money that you are paying your Grandparents and were paying your Parents and get your own place, even if that's just renting a room out of someone else's home (non-family related). Then there could be a rental contract put in place and you would know what was expected of you and I guarantee you your landlord would not save your money for you.

That's probably a good idea. The problem is that most landlords will want their tenants to be employed, which I am not.

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This would be a step towards independence, whereas I see your moving in with your Grandparents as just another attempt to avoid taking responsibility for yourself and your finances.

I see it as just a place to crash.

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If this makes you angry, I apologize. I am not saying these things to make you angry on purpose, but more to help you gain some higher understanding. It's time for you to leave the familial nest and take care of yourself

I'm not angry, and I'm looking forward to moving out now, I really am. Whereas before it seemed like an unattainable step. I am looking at getting a job as a courier, and i have money to buy my own van. I've been thinking of maybe sleeping in my van instead of at my grandparent's and to be honest I'm really excited about the idea. I just think I need to get a job first.

BT,

I have been following your situation. I am sorry I have not posted as of yet.

I wanted to say I am really proud of you for taking steps to gain control and independance.

I know others say to move in with your grandparents is not really being independant, but I think of it as a baby step along the way to getting to where you want to be. Just don't let it become a long time thing. I dont think you will though because you certainly sound like you wish to gain your independance.

Personally, I think you should offer and try to give your grandparents a small amount of extra money, regardless of if they save it for you or whatnot. DO pay the bills as you say because i think thats really really cool and good of you to do, and i agree with how you think its helping you to not be a "cost" to them. I would also offer or give something extra for living in the space. If they decide to give it back to you, well thats great and you will have it later on to spend when you need it.

I also think that while you are living with them, you should have a bank account and a savings account and be putting something in it whenever you get money. Then you willhave some money aside when you move out on your own!

I definetly think you are right on the ball to get established before you move totally out. Let me tell you I have been on my own since 16, dependant on the childrens aid society till 21. I was not ready for it at all and i made a huge mess of my life, my credit, and my mental and physical health. I did not know how to budget, live healthy, handle things in my life, or be independant. I didnt gain that knowledge until about a year ago, whgen I was forced to when i became a single mom of my son.

Once you get there though, the independance will feel SO GOOD. Trustme. you will love it!

As for the situation with your dad, im betting that you have alot of resentment built up from your history. You say your father would often hit you out of the blue, and was poorly towards your sister. That is so sad, and I am so sorry. Try to not let that resentment turn to anger though. Maybe even work on forgiving your father for those things - this doesnt mean forgetting! This just means you say "ok, this is in the past, and I am going to let it go and move forward". Also put in strict boundaries with how you interact with your parents for now. You and they do not need anything to be more traumatic than it is. Interact with them in as minimal a way as possible - just for a while.

Are you doing therapy for yourself? Sometimes that is a help. If you cannot afford it, keep writing here and working things out in your head by talking to people. I also want to commend you on your ability to take peoples advice/thoughts without reacting defensively. You know what they say - opinions are like a certain part of the body, everyone has em Take what you need to grow and learn, and leave what doesnt apply alone.

Keep posting, keep working on yourself. Make a small independant step everyday. Even if thats just getting out of the house and going for a coffee. Make sure you are doing SOMETHING.

I wish you the very best!

Well BT, It sounds like you've got a plan.

But.....moving out of your Grandparent's home to live in your van is not called moving out and being independent, it's called moving out of a safe and secure home to be homeless!!!

If this is your choice, then realize that. It's your choice, and nobody put you out on the street to live in a van but you.

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts.

I'm feeling a lot better now, maybe it's the effexor kicking in . . . I was supposed to go to this interview again yesterday, but I got the times wrong and so I missed it for the second time. I'm going to try for the 3rd time next week. Apparently I should be able to get the 'job'.

It's so good to hear that you're feeling better
Wishing you great success on your job, that I am sure you will get.
Let us know how it goes!

Hi Biscuit Tin,

Landlords do not care if their tenants are employed. They are only interested in their tenant's ability to pay.

Also... a landlord is not going to cut you any slack the way your parents and grandparents have done.

If you don't pay, the landlord locks you out of the apartment and you are out on the street.

That's living life as a homeless person, is that what you really want?

If you decide to do that, just how are you planning to keep yourself warm in the winter and cool in the summer, while you are trying to sleep? How about keeping yourself and your clothes clean? Or keeping any food from spoiling??

It sounds like you are totally clueless on how to take care of yourself, Biscuit!!

Also...I noticed in some of your previous threads that you would like to find a girl and have a relationship.

Sorry, Biscuit... but no chick is going to be interested in a guy living in his van. And 99.9% of women out there are not going to be interested in an extremely lazy, unemployed 31 year old, "Sponge Bob" living with his parents/grandparents either, lol.

So... if you really are interested in getting A REAL LIFE, rather than continually making excuses for yourself, blaming your parents, grandparents, etc... start NOW by getting a job!

Next... start pricing how much apartments cost, how much food costs, how much utilities cost, insurance, etc.... and when you get enough money saved (the equivalent of 3 months rent)... move out, grow up, and start taking of yourself.

Good luck,

Peppermint Patty

I am just going to hope that your job hunt is going well and that staying with your grandparents is a better place for you. Good luck with all of that.