Kicked out of home

I've been kicked out.

I pretty much went a little nuts today, could it be because I changed my meds two weeks ago? Maybe I am having Zoloft withdrawal symptoms?

I went on Efexor XR two weeks ago, 75mg.

I basically got frustrated and yelled a lot after continuing an argument that's been going on the last week. (Read "I guess I'm moving out . . ." for more information)

Then my dad got involved and I hit him.

Then he said to call the cops and I told them don't bother, cos i'm leaving.

Then I got into a tangle with him again, shoving him around a lot.

Then I hit him over the head as I left, throwing him to the ground.

My biggest regret is that my two nephews were present, the older one started crying.

They didn't see most of it, just the shouting.

In a way this is a good thing because now I am forced to move out of home and get a job.

From crisis comes opportunity right?

I'll make it up to my nephew tomorrow, if that's possible.

While the change in medication may have played a part I think it goes a bit deeper than just that. There seems to be a certain amount of anger issues
that should be addressed otherwise you run the risk of having them interfere with other aspects of your life. There is nothing wrong with anger but when it turns to violence it is never acceptable. In the end violence hurts everyone involved.

Please, if you have a T or any kind of support discuss this with them.

In the end I do hope everything turns out well for you.

In all my years of disagreements and clashings of personalities with my partents I NEVER raised my hand to them. In fact rolling my eyes showing insubordination wasn't even allowed.
Although I wanted to display my disapproval in various ways fueled by my anger.The worst I'd ever done was shout in rebellion...and that is something that I still feel badly for to this day.

For the life of me, I cannot even fathom the idea of someone striking their parents.
What blows me away about what you've stated is how your ONLY regret is that your nephews were present to withness the shouting, (and that your intentions are to hopefully make it up to them), after displaying and projecting the ultimate disrespectful act upon the two people who were looking out for YOUR welfare....and your nephews are your ONLY regret??

Once time passes, allowing you time for reflection upon your actions, you will discover that your nephews aren't your ony regret. Then what?
Do you intend to carry the guilt of your actions regarding the abuse toward your parents as a means of justifying misery?

I'm sorry....but this does not make sense to me. Not to mention that ABUSE OF ANY FORM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE OR EXCUSABLE.
(MY trigger of sorts).

From the sound of it, you were not thrown out, you've left in a tangent, providing yourself a justifiable excuse for your behavior. Wrong.

"In a way this is a good thing because now I am forced to move out of home and get a job".
As I said in my reply to your other post, the opportunity was always there. Although I do understand how anger can motivate. The unfortunate thing bout that sometimes is that while we are angry, we are focusing in a negative mind, and the possiblility of compounding the already aggrivated situation by making irrational decisions (fueled by anger) is much more present, and more likely.


"From crisis comes opportunity right?"
Certainly. There is always good present, regardless of the circumstance. However, again, as I've said in previous post, you HAD "choice".
Apparently, you now have removed even that, therefore forcing yourself to REact upon it.
One deed ALWAYS earns another in return. And, unfortunately yours of abusing your father like that will deliver you yours. (And you have no regret for that....yet).

I hope the best for you BT, and that all will work out for you.
I'm sorry to hear that things have taken this direction for you, as we later discover that sometimes we need to cross that very bridge that we've burned. And once that bridge is far beyond crossing back over, realizing that fact alone can redirect what we were hoping to obtain. I hope this will not be the case for you.

Shangrala

Surprise! I actually hope you succeed in becoming the person you were meant to be...responsible, mature, and at peace.

A lot of what I would like to say has already been said by others.

I have been in situations, as a child, where I was being attacked by my father...he had knocked me to the ground and was going for my throat. He liked to choke us. Out of defense for myself, without even really thinking, I kicked with my feet in an effort to push him off of me. As I was kicking, he was reaching for my throat and my foot and his hand made contact. That incident ended up braking his pinky finger. I still feel VERY guilty about this incidence, even though it was in self defense.

The point of that being self defense is one thing, doesn't justify violence, but it is more understandable if it happens, but what you are saying happened was not self defense. It was assault.....BLATANT assault. This behavior is NOT OKAY!!

As a child, I saw my Father beat my brother. I heard screaming...all the time. I felt the tension, and the anxiety, and the pain from all of it.

I want you to know that you can never make that up to your nephews. They may forgive you and move on, but they will never trust you like they used to. They will always remember the sounds and the sights and from here on out they will be afraid of you. They may not show it, but they will be. They will silently think..."Oh my gosh...he just threw his own parent to the ground and hit him....he beat up an old man....what could or would he do to us kids?" This will be in their heads for a long time.

Hopefully neither of them will take this incident and say "Gosh...if my Uncle could treat his dad this way...then I can beat the crap out of mine."

What a great lesson for them.

I really think you need to get some professional assistance, if you don't have some already. And you really need some anger management training.

How terribly frightening for your nephews to have witnessed. No, you can't make up for something like that, those scenes and terror are now a part of them, their experience.

No one deserves to be mistreated in any way.
I'm sorry this happened.

You were about to be on your way to living on your own soon. That must be kind of scary to think about and to have happen in the way it did.

How are you doing now?

I'm alright.

I don't regret hitting my father, he attacked me first.

I regret only that I got angry in front of my nephews.

"I don't regret hitting my father, he attacked me first."
"I pretty much went a little nuts today, could it be because I changed my meds two weeks ago?"
You admit to going a "little" nuts and questioning if it was med related...
So that's changed now? Interesting that all of a sudden he attacked you first, a convenient claim after you've been put on the spot for your abusing him.
I basically got frustrated and yelled a lot after continuing an argument that's been going on the last week"
You and who were yelling? See your statement below..."then my dad got involved and you hit him??
Then my dad got involved and I hit him.
Then he said to call the cops and I told them don't bother, cos i'm leaving.
Then I got into a tangle with him again, shoving him around a lot.
Then I hit him over the head as I left, throwing him to the ground.
Why the continuing violence when you could, and should have, stopped after the first hit?
That is some serious ***** as far as no impulse control and anger management doesn't begin to describe what needs addressed with honesty. Honesty.

No one here is denying that there are issues between you and your parents. Very serious ones.
Going nuts, as you called it, is most likely frightening to you and for sure it is terrifying for them.

The suggestion of therapy has been made several times. With this getting so out of hand, professional help would quite possibly be a life saver...

My honest feeling is that you are hurting very badly and cannot see any way of making it better.
There are better ways, and I believe you are aware of it.

It's hard taking that first step towards recovery, if you don't take it, you won't ever be happy.
People have problems, they do their best to work on them, and take it one thing at a time. It's been done for a very long time...give it sincere consideration then take action that means healing for you.

Your behavior is being called into question--Not You. You are still a human being going through a rough time...
Violence does not have to be a part of your behavior, and taking responsibility for your part in this terribly sad situation will benefit you in many ways.

Btw, I'm glad you have internet access so you can let us know how you are doing...
and perhaps let us know how your father is doing.

I'm honestly not concerned about his welfare. And I don't know why I should be. It was a long time coming.

I'm really just disappointed in myself and my actions. They have painted me as somebody I know I'm not. My concern/guilt is for my nephews.

Although you have no concern for your dad, (and you "despise your mom with every fiber of your being"), the fact remains that they are your parents...and I know that they love you...unconditionally...despite their personal issues and yours. Once a parent, always a parent.

This also may have little to no value to you, but know that they support you...like that or not.

I wish you the best. I sincerely hope that all will turn out well for you.

Shangrala

Thinking of you today and I'm glad to hear that you're doing alright.

You should be kicked off. No offense but you sound like my brother who has made my life and my families life a hell hole. Violence and hurting someone is not the answer. You are unable to see how much your family cares for you (because they DO) and your hurtful actions are too much. You should be kicked out and should fend for youself. Meds may have had something to do with it, but if you've been like this before then you can't use this as an excuse. Why not own up and try to get help or go to rehab for a little while.. I wish you the best. and your family too.

There is a real class for anger management, and you definitely qualify, as far as I can see....

Perhaps a truthful session with your therapist can get you enrolled in the next class in your area.

I do hope that you can learn to understand that it's not what others do that should determine our actions. We act as we feel, and sometimes we act irresponsibly, or uncontrollably, or violently, or all of them at once.

This is something you can learn about and begin to change.

As an adult, it is against the law to hit another person. Do you know that? Man or woman. You can go right to jail for that. They are sending teens to jail for it now in many places.

That is surely a place I hope you will not have to see...

We are all responsible for our own behaviors... especially since we are no longer little children.

There are broken boundaries, I can see from your post, as well. Safety.
Trust.

You can do something about this and I certainly hope you will, for your sake, and eventually, others that come into your life and those that already do love you.

I know of someone who did similar actions as you, and felt resentment and dislike towards their parents, and they didn't seek help at an early age, and as a result, ended up feeling justified in hurting another person later on down the road, because of some excuse.

They ended up in jail for almost a year in their 20's.

I'm sharing this because in that situation, the person didn't belong in the situation to begin with and neither do you.

It takes two people to argue.

Learn to be the hero in your own life and handle yourself in every situation where you may be tested. In areas where you are weak, learn to be strong. Make these weaknesses your long-suites.

The best way to overcome your own personal challenges is to learn how to be effective by working on yourself, no matter if time is involved.

There are no quick fixes, so I'd get right on it if I were in your shoes.

Get help. Learn. Be strong... and change those childish and detrimental impulses into what makes you a better person, one who has their well-being in hand, and the well-being of others also.

Learn to be welcome and respected, by respecting yourself and all others as the imperfect humans we are.

Get help now, learn and change, and soon, your family will see you have changed, and you will know it because you will feel compelled to ask for the forgiveness that will help everyone get past this.

Be the hero and rescue yourself from a life of regrets ~

I know you can do this ~ and I'm pulling for you!

Peace and Forgiveness,
Night

Nice reply, Echoes.

BiscuitTin, I'm sorry your father was so hurtful, I'm sure it wasn't the first time. It's a heck of a way to leave home (my stepmother called me "stupid" one time too many) but you are 25. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like you have much support behind you doing that. I would get into a therapy group perhaps, or anger management, some group with other young people in a similar boat, see if you can't build a support net of sorts for yourself so you don't have to deal with a bad situation again in the near future.

Biscuit tin,

I am sorry this has happened to you, and in light of what other people have said, I may be booed off the stage for this!!!

I was kicked out of home at 16, when my mothers boyfriend and I did not get on(my mother had an affair with him behind my fathers back). I had no money, no life skills(I had been very sheltered) and my mother had been exacting violence upon me from a very young age, both physically and mentally. I eventually went back about 5 years later at 21, because I was pregnant. One day my mother and I had a disagreement and she went to hit me. I was 21 and pregnant......for the first time in my life I fought back. She was not going to hurt me again or my unborn child.

I divorced her for 10 years, safer for both of us. I did make very violent threats against her when I was an inpatient in a psych facility when I was dx Borderline PD. Was I violent from the Borderline or was I violent because I was traumatised? I don't know. I have since learned(after skirting very close to the law) that violence is NOT the best policy, that there are consequences both legally and spiritually, however to recognise this, you must first understand where the anger comes from.

You are obviously not a person who lacks a conscience(I lacked a conscience-my psychologist stated in my chart that I displayed psychopathic anti-social behavioural problems), it is evident in the guilt you feel over your nephews. Move out if you can, get better, and take care of that rage.......it will destroy you sweetie, much quicker than it will destroy anyone else.

Good luck and make peace with yourself......the Universe will reward you if you can make peace with your father at some stage as well.......I believe there was a trigger far greater than medication.

And everyone else, I beg of you not to judge too quickly. I know violence is a serious trigger for most people, but remember some of us do not have the necessary "stop" button that others are fortunate to have. I have battled this demon for many years. Are we not entitled to some compassion if we are making an effort to change it, no matter how small the effort? I have made my peace with God, the Universe and whomever else i am answerable to.......I have paid my karmic dues tenfold. In saying this, if my family was in danger or I perceived a threat, my inner werewolf would launch itself without compunction, no matter who is exacting it!!

In stillness, Biscuit tin.........

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still”Taoist proverb

jmo...

Violence is indeed a trigger for many of us....for very good reason.
Condemning someone is one thing; encouraging them to seek help is another. Perhaps that encouragement *will* lead to even a small effort to change.
Until presented with reasons to change, it's doubtful anyone will...

Making an effort does not mean their acts of violence need be tolerated, and this should be addressed directly and without malice. I believe it has been in this thread.
People have to be held accountable for their actions.

My own belief is there are always two sides to every story.
Not three or four or how ever many times the story changes to suit the person or justify their actions.
There most likely is more to this situation than was posted; response was made to the violence this person exhibited during one event. To remain silent about it does this person no favors. Suggesting professional help was made several times, along with hopes they will find more peace.

Several posters have given encouragement and support about seeking help for this obvious lack of impulse control.
Denying they have a problem and blaming someone else are things that should be covered in therapy if there is honest dialogue...and that was also encouraged.

Jmo, but there was more of a "calling him on his actions" than anything else...

Lets please remember to be supportive. Although this is obviously a touchy subject, lets remember the guidelines of this website and try to be supportive in all we write.

Thank you everyone.

It's been said many times in this thread but I think the most important point is being held accountable for your own actions. The only person on the planet one can control is oneself.

In my opinion if you are living in a situation where there is violence you need to remove yourself from that situation, if you are a minor contact the authorities to assist you.

Someone here has a signature that he who angers you controls you. Truer words have never been spoken. You DO have a choice in 1) whether or not to continue to be angry and 2) how that anger is expresssed.

You stated that "I him him over the head as I left, throwing him to the ground." I'm not being confrontational or unsupportive, but I want you to know that action is on you. The issue had been resolved you were leaving, no one was stopping you. You made a choice to let your anger and frustration decide your actions. You need to own that, until you realize that you are accountable for your own behaviors you will never change them.

This thread was particularly difficult for me to respond to, I've read it many many times. I see that you love your nephews very much. My brother and I also grew up in a violent household. Before my father stopped drinking we blamed the alcohol the rest is just an inability to control his temper. I truly believe he never ever meant to cross the line and hurt us, he just could not control his temper.

Michah asked for compassion. (Although I must confess I see your situation completely differently. I think self defense or defense of ones child entitles one to use any force necessary. Fear and anger are two different emotions.) I have compassion and empathy but I am also tired of rationalizations. I too deal with that anger demon every day and if I can do it anyone can. It's hard and a constant struggle. But BECAUSE I grew up in the reality of someone lashing out every time they were tired, angry, or frustrated I KNOW I cannot visit these issues on my children. THE CYCLE MUST BE BROKEN.

I also believe there is some genetics involved with this issue. My children did not grow up in a violent home, and yet my youngest has an anger control problem, his identical twin is fine. Fortunately for us all, we were able to get him help. I'm very proud of the work he continues to do to remain healthy and responsible with his words and actions.

I have worked very very hard to deal with my anger issues. My brother has not. His anger still controls him. He loves my kids a great deal, I know that. But I have never allowed him to be alone with them. I know he would never intentionally hurt them, but kids do stupid things and my brother has anger issues and lack of impulse control when he's angry.

You will not be able to make up such a horrible situation to your nephews. You can become a positive influence on their lives by showing that although it is natural to become angry, there are right ways and wrong ways to deal with that anger.

I would also like to add that anger, frustration, annoyance all of these negative feelings eat you up inside. Once you learn to deal with these things in a positive manner your life is much happier. You cannot change the past, only the future.

I respect each person's right to their own thoughts and opinions, but I resent angry judgements in posts.

Lucky is the person who does not have to learn the hard way.
Gracious is the person who did and remembers how frightening it felt, the internal torment, the regrets, the wanting to be some place better but not knowing how to get there, being overwhelmed when not knowing what to do.

Growth comes in many forms and is quick for some, slower for others.

BiscuitTin,

I hope this reply finds you feeling a bit better. I didn't initally reply, because my initial response was, believe it or not, anger! Then, I sat and pondered why, etc.. I came to the realization that we ALL have done or said something not so nice when we are angry. We can't take it back, not matter how much we wish to.

You sound fairly confident in yourself, which is a great thing. I know the beginning of this new journey may seem very scary. You will find resources to help you, just look. And most importantly, to me anyway, is to learn from this experience. You can definitely turn it around.

I do wish the very best for you, good luck!

Hey BT;

Sorry things went the way they did but, I know one day you will feel badly over it and I hope you can forgive your parents, they were only doing what they knew how to do.

I'm a Dad of 2 boys one is 35 and the other is 32. The 32 year old is a Police Officer. The 35 year old works in environmental services. Neither has ever struck me although we did have one occasion of push and shove.

My Mother died back in October at age 74 and although I left home at 16, I always kept in touch with her. She used to beat the crap out of me when I was a kid, (not that I didn't deseve it), but I always knew she loved me and the day she died I had spoken with her and neglected to say "I love you" at the end of our conversation. I wish I would have, I wanted her to know it and I really do know that she did but, just one more time would have been so timely to say those words again.

I can only imagine the hurt your parents are going through and the anger you have built up inside. At age 25 you need to be on your own. Promise yourself that you will make it on your own and someday you and your parents can heal this rift. Family is important and if you can find a way to forgive them you will be the better person for it. Give it some thought and lots of time, however, don't wait until you can't or, the situation becomes too estranged and you lose each other.

Best of luck to you,

Before I go off telling you how much your parents love you and that I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them one day I would like to know WHY you said "It was a long time coming" (if you dont mind sharing).

The mother called me today while I am living at my grandparent's house.

Apparently she is not happy with me not paying board at my grandparent's place. I am planning to pay bills, etc, but apparently I am to pay board, because that apparently is what my grandparents are asking for.

However, knowing my grandparents as I do, I am sure that they will keep the money for me and hand it back to me later. I am therefore determined to pay some bills, buy the milk and bread, etc, to make sure I pay my way.

But again, according to my mum, that is not good enough.

Do you see what I mean? I need to know what money I am spending and what money is still mine. If I am paying board, not only do I not know what money is mine, but I am certain that I will not be paying my way.

I don't plan to stay at my grandparent's long, I have a job interview lined up for tomorrow, etc.

I am feeling that I am trying to do the right thing by everyone here, but apparently that is not allowed.

I feel an inch away from just packing everything into my car and living out of my car.

Although I'm sure that won't be allowed either.

He has been known to hit me when i was a kid, just out of the blue.

He made my sister's life hell when she was in her late teens . . .

etc.

BT~

You have begun to walk your own path, which is fantastic.
Your first step, which was the most difficult, was removing yourself out of your parents home. Despite the manner of occurrance, the first step is always the hardest, and you have succeeded that.
Offer yourself the acknowledgement that you have begun your own journey and continue to focus on your own path and refrain from other's interference.

Try and not concern yourself of what other's may/may not be thinking. If you allow yourself the distraction of the opinions of others to cloud your direction, then you are sure to yeild to your own destination.

Stop concerning yourself over the fact if you are doing everyone else right.
The song by Ricky Nelson, "Garden Party", states it all..."you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself". If you remain true to your own self, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.

Your statement:
Do you see what I mean? I need to know what money I am spending and what money is still mine. If I am paying board, not only do I not know what money is mine, but I am certain that I will not be paying my way.
It would seem to me that you should already know what money you have and how it is being budgeted. How can you not? It is YOUR money. This confuses me.
If you are expected to pay board....doesn't that cover those very expenses, which are the bills, etc., that you state you are 'planning to pay', anyway? Therefore, you know what that money is spent for? I fail to see the issue with that. Regardless if it is approved by your mom, or not...it is something YOU have intended, anyway.

You stated:
However, knowing my grandparents as I do, I am sure that they will keep the money for me and hand it back to me later.
Umm....isn't this exactly what your parents had done for you, as well? I'm compelled to ask....What is the difference?

I am therefore determined to pay some bills, buy the milk and bread, etc, to make sure I pay my way.
You are therefore determined?...."because" you antisipate the return of the very same money that you not only feel you somehow have no control of keeping track of?, but also, what you state you intend to utilize for what you 'should be' spending it for in the first place....!?!


I certainly do not want to sound discrediting to your plight, and don't mean to, as I am one to support and encourage. But, BT, you seem to be caught in a mode of self-sabotage here, (and, boy do I know those signals...as I do that to myself, as well).

I don't mean to sound harsh, but....To hell with what your mother or father have to say about your PRESENT living arrangements....that is between you and your g-parents now. (However, I must include that I hope that at some point you and your parents can make restitution for past occurrances).

Because of the fact that your mom 'seems' to be aware of what it is your g-parents are expecitng from you, (and apparently has no problem delivering to you herself, therefore seeminly feels she still has some control in this matter), remove her self-appointed sense of control entirely by approaching your g-parents and discuss with them directly what it is that they do, in fact, expect from you living there.

Take charge of you own situation, instead of living as though others are controlling you. Unless, this is how you intend for it to be in order to remove yourself from any responsibility of failure should this not succeed? (I am familiar to that tactic of self-sabotage, myself...remember...I, too, at times fall into that mode).

It all boils down to what YOU intend to do with YOUR own life. At the same time, if you continue to place others to be responsible for you, then you do not have any right to cast blame upon them for delivering you results that you find unfavorable...After all, you have surrendered your control of your life to another....Be willing to accept their choices as your own.

Take care.

Shangrala