How do, or should I, confront a friend?

Someone I've considered a friend for almost 6 years has done something that makes me question the relationship.

Saying she cares about me and not wanting me to spiral into depression, she sent me what she insists is generic Celexa. We're both on it, but I haven't been able to afford it right now. She just sent a handful of pills in a Winn-Dixie bag. Looks nothing like Celexa, isn't marked with the dosage, is much larger than Celexa and is round. You don't have to be paranoid or a full-blown pharmacist to figure out I've been tricked.

After finding out that what she sent me is most likely 100% NOT citalopram, I'm wondering if I should tell her that I know and ask what she really did send me? From what I gather, she's a great believer in placebo effect - so if she says she's sending me Celexa and I take it, not knowing it's not Celexa, I won't get depressed because my mind is tricked into thinking I did take it.

BTW, I DIDN'T take any of it.

So, do I let sleeping dogs lie or do I say something? Every time she asks about it in an e-mail with other things, I just avoid that question. I'm going through a custody revision right now. There's no way I'm going to put something in writing about "Oh yeah, I got the drugs you mailed me." The lawyer also said we might have to undergo drug and alcohol testing since my ex was charged with a DWI, so I'm not putting something in my body that I don't know what it is and then be told I tested positive for something. I've even been avoiding my beloved poppy seed bagels.

Confront or not, and why or why not? I'd hate to lose a friendship, but I don't like the fact that I've been deceived, no matter how good her intentions are.

P.S. She was a friend to both me and my ex before our divorce. She says she "picked" me over him afterwards because she went through an emotionally abusive relationship too. If she's deceiving me about medication, how can I be sure she's not forwarding things to him that I tell her about this court case, things my lawyer has told me to do to stay in control. OK, now I AM sounding paranoid.

Maybe you could say to her that you'd appreciate it if she gave you Celexa next time instead of some anonymous pill she had passed as being Celexa?

Take the "bag of pills" to the drugstore or your T,ask them what they might be, let your T know what she did, for documentation and your protection, then confront her with your knowldge and ask her what she's trying to do
Angie

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle this.

It's more than just about the meds. It's WHY did she want to deceive me? It makes me question everything she's ever said.

One time on a message board she came in saying how she'd just read a long email and then got off an hour phone call and had to hear everything that was in the email, everything that was in the prior email, everything that was discussed during the last phone call and that her ear was tired. I replied back and said perhaps if she didn't want to listen to this person's concerns, she shouldn't keep calling. Then she wrote back to me personally saying she was talking about a different person. It was a crock of s h i t because that was EXACTLY what we had just gotten done doing minutes before she posted that message.

Right after that she says she lowered her phone plan minutes because now she has a "boyfriend" and doesn't spend so much time talking to other guys on the phone, doesn't need the minutes, and so won't be able to call me during the day but only at nights after 9:00 and weekends. She gave it about two weeks and then she started calling me during the day again. I just keep reminding her that she's calling me during her plan minutes and not free minutes.

This is so childish. I can't believe it.

She does this with other women too. Gets all up in their problems, keeps calling to see how they're doing, and then complains that it eats up so much of her time.

Shirley, not meaning to sound untrusting, take the "pills" and have them checked then have phamisist document what you brought in, then toss the "pills", DO NOT TAKE, GET THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE (she could say your dealing) or your hubby could make it look that way, my working with the MH Criminal Justice System makes me leary of this whole sitiuation IMO
Angie

Thanks Nothemama. I'm getting ready to head out to the pharmacy in just a few minutes.

Tell him exactly what was said so it can be documented, pleaseeeee, for your protection.
Love ya girl, and am proud of ya
Angie

You know I'm going to feel like a total moron when it turns out to be vitamin C or zinc, don't you? LOL Those are two things she keeps in stock for when she gets a cold.

I agree. Have them checked out by a pharmacist or doc.
Take care now,
DE

Good advice, Angie

Yeah I know but what if it's not, your better off safe than sorry.
Ppl playing pass the meds are not always helpful, if it is vitamins ask her why she thinks they'll help you mental health
Angie

Hi WI -- I'm not going to address "what to do @ the pills" bec. that has been adequately and sanely covered.

I do want to mention the pain of giving up a long-time relationship. Sometimes we are in friendships that we chose at times in our lives when we are less healthy. As we grow, it is unfortunate that we have to dump these relationships. Because I'm not very skillful as reasonable confrontation (see the anger thread), on one occasion, I stopped responding to letters. This happened more than 10 years ago. Eventually, I tried to call the person to explain -- like that was appropriate, hahaha -- but the phone # was no good anymore. I still feel badly that I didn't explain clearly what was up.

Last summer, a 20-year-friendship bit the dust. I did try to explain, after biting back my anger in silence for a while. I did get angry during the phone call, and the person refused to talk to me. I called back, and in a more reasonable voice, asked the person to respond to a question @ why she behaved as she did. She hung up again. This woman actually referred me to my T, and was mentored by my T, and my T says that she doesn't understand friend's behavior, and that friend left me no alternative but to not participate in the relationship anymore. And that this friend owes me an apology, and that my T is surprised she's never tried to get in touch with me.

Bottom line: it can hurt to give up these friendships, esp, if our esteem is low or there's a history or we feel like we don't have many friends. But sometimes a hurtful friend is worse than no friend.

Just my two-cents, which probably is worth less than that.

As to how you address your friend on this issue, it seems to me to depend on just what these pills turn out to be. It's one thing if she's trying to placebo effect you with vitamin C, and quite another if she's sent you PCP or something hideous. See what I mean? Either way, she screwed up, but friends do that with eachother all the time, screw up in some well intentioned way. And factoring in mental illness, and you only get more liklihood of such goofs.

Once you know what the pills are, you will probably have a better idea what it is you want to say to her.

Nice to know you're alert enough not to take the pills. Good for you. Also your friend seems lucky to me that you didn't just mow her down with a knee jerk emotional reaction. Good job. Smart. Compassionate, even in the midst of your own pain and confusion. Good qualities all.

Thanks W2F and Sqrl. W2F, you're advice is worth MORE than 2 cents. I've kind of had those same thoughts in the back of my head regarding this friendship for a while.

The pharmacist said they seemed like aspirin (except they don't smell just like aspirin and aspirin isn't usually scored). We don't have a Winn-Dixie here, or I'd go see what their aspirin, vitamin C and zinc look like.

He showed me what their generic Celexa looks like and it looks just like brand.

He didn't seem alarmed either way, so he just offered to dispose of them for me.

This is a friendship I'm trying to just kind of let die down, like when a thread has served it's purpose and needs to be slowly buried by the newer, more meaningful threads above it. I've stopped sending daily emails about things like the kids or "hey, I found a really good deal on .... thought I'd let you know." I rarely call her. Only after my ex has done something to upset me have I ever called. She's always the one to dial the phone. She's on an expensive cell phone plan and I'd rather she decide when to call than to dial her up and get "sorry, can't talk right now, peak hours you know."

When I'd mentioned a few weeks ago that I was unable to document generic Celexa she just goes "well, that's what the pharmacy filled my prescription with. I'd hate to think I committed a felony for nothing."

If what I've read regarding when it got the generic go ahead is true (roughly Feb. of this year) and memory serves me correctly regarding when she had her meds filled last, it was before it went generic. She filled it and then wasn't taking them, even though she kept saying how much it helps her memory and concentration.

She's been a sounding board for me and has calmed me down in times of stress, but I think I'm starting to get more emotionally healthy and need someone involved that I don't have such a history with. I'm not sure how that would help. You would think someone knowing what I've gone through since I walked out on my own would be a good friend to have, but sometimes I wonder if maybe she's funneling info to my ex. I don't like to have that seed of suspicion planted in my head. When someone lies to me about something as important as medication and my mental health, it just makes me wonder what else has been lied about.

Thanks for being a sounding board everyone.

At least your safer knowing the "pills" are gone, and you got plenty of friends here and we won't put you on hold
Angie

Thanks Angie.

Well, I'm happy to hear you got rid of the suspicious pills. I did, however find a website that may interest you, should she pull this stunt in the future, or if you wanna find out what exactly she sent you:

http://www.drugs.com/xq/cfm/pageID_1...1/qx/index.htm

I've checked it myself (as I KNOW my pills are correct) and its very accurate.

Hope it helps at any rate.

Jenn

Thanks dolfin. I can't find anything that looks like it. I'm highly suspicious it's just an OTC vitamin.

She won't pull this stunt in the future, because I won't give her a chance.

i've learned something about friends in the last 5 years that i've pondered, lying in bed at night, watching the pattern of the leaves, on my window, in the moon light....i met a woman here in the town where i live in 1973. we became fast friends. we've been through two divorces, each, the death of our two sets of parents, my traumatic move to New Mexico, a period where she was scaring the hell out of me with her promiscuous behavior, my being depressed and not be medicated properly.....and assorted and sundry ****.. i no longer consider her a close friend and here's why. when i lived in NM, i was extremely lonely...we had always used the same hairdresser and i had asked her for his home number because he and i both loved the NBA..i thought i could call him and we could talk about games. she told me he didn't want me to have it..that he just "didn't" talk to anyone after he went home.....okay...fine...i moved back to town and two small things happened....for all the years we've been friends, she always put herself first on everything. she was an only child from a wealthy family and i chalked it up tobeing spoiled.....i collect antique dinner plates and i set my table with mismatched sets. i love that.. event # 1. we went to an estate sale..i saw a lovely plate. as i reached for it, she reached over me (tall vs short) and grabbed it!! 2. she insist that we go shopping and i had worked three 12 hour shifts and was exhausted..we went and i saw "chinese" shirt that i said "i'm going to come back and get that friday, payday..i could wear it to work..love it!".....we went to another store and then she informed me that she was getting it. walked into store and got it.....at first glance, this might seem like small potatoes. but boy, it wasn't! i started getting flashbacks of all the things that she had been selfish about, self-absorbed about and just plain ****** to me and that was it. nada.it's over........sometimes, you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield...i don't know which one i prefer, but i'd like to think that i won't be both of them at the same time!!! xoxox pat

Couldn't you just call her and say "what the hell is this stuff, anyway?" I wouldn't hesitate to ask my friends something like that. Just call her on it -- don't accuse her of having ulterior motives -- just say that it's obviously not Celexa.