Should you confront after 15+ years?

A couple of nights ago, I had a conversation with one of my mother and we talked about a lot of things (normally I can't talk to her without becoming very angry so I guess the meds are starting level my moods out). We were talking about a family member and I asked my mother if she knew this person had said [they] were sexually abused as a child. My mom replied with yes and [they] told you have said that also. A long silence entered the phone.

Perhaps too many years had passed and she doesn't recall me saying some of the things that had happened. In those few brief moments of silence, I tried to remember exactly what I had said to her so many years ago. Maybe I wasn't direct enough? I remember I was angry and I did speak up. I moved out of my house at the age of 17 and finished school in another town.

Anyway, I told yes. Then had to recount all the events again. It's just unreal to me that twice this month (once while watching the Maury show) I've relived everything. Now, my mother wants to confront a certain person and I asked her to wait until I talked to my T on Wednesday.

Is this normal? Shouldn't I want to confront? It's just been buried so long and I've ran so far. Would it beneficial for me? Would it help me bury it once and for all? I just don't know, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of cliff, trapped, with no way out.

It's been years since I haven't been able to fall asleep because of memories. But after our conversation, I heard every noise in the house and just laid there, eyes wide open, knowing nothing was there but feeling like someone was coming or had just been there.

If confronting will help you to HEAL then I say go for it.... there is no limit on speaking up from being sexually abused - YOU say when!!!

Good Luck....(btw) my final confrontation with my parents came twenty some years later.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

I was molested one I was 4 at daycare. I didn't tell my family until I was 26. It was pretty hard for them, and it's not quite the same situation as yours, but what it did for me is simular as for you. No more hiding, no more secrets, no more being alone. Even when the truth hurts, at least your sharing it with someone.

You can't control your mother only you. so if she wants to confront an abuser then she is going to confront an abuser.

But you can decide if you want to be a part of your mothers confrontation of the abuser or if you want to confront the abuser yourself.

If your mother decides to confront your abuser there may be fall out to you because of it. So you can put in place safety protocals and so on with your therapist or alone.

for example when my abuser realized I had gone public some of the fall out went another relatives way just because her and I were close and they felt she should have known what I was doing. (as if her and I are supposed answer to each other for everything we do!) anyway she protected herself by saying - look what she does is not my business she is an adult. you want to discuss this discuss it with her. then she either walked away from them or hung up the phone on them. When the fall out of threats and so on came back on my friends they threatened right back with don't bother me again or I will arrest you for harrassment and take out a protection order against you. you have a problem with so and so take it up with so and so leave me out of it or find yourself sitting in jail.

in either case they soon learned if they had a problem with my confronting and going public they take it up with me because I was the one confronting and going public. And my reaction - you want to fight about this fine see you in court. and then stayed with friends so that they could not get me alone without a witness to their threats and so on.

You cant stop your mom. your mom controls moms behavior but you can protect yourself. Follow through with talking to your therapist and set things up so that you will be safe in the event that mom follows through and confronts the abuser.

Confrontation can be so tricky. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to handle standing infront of the person you hate the most? If you are, then yes, confront him. It's actually a good thing that your mom knows because it might be easier if she is with you. I would not do it alone. let your mom do what she wants do, if you don't want to be involved, tell her that. There should be no pressure on you to confront this person, if you feel you are better of never doing it, do not feel ashamed or weak, it's your decision completely. A lot of people never confront there abusers and there is nothing wrong with that. They have suffered enough already, it's not their fault and they don't have to attone for anything. Just lookout for yourself, do what you want to and feel comfortable with. I wish you all the best.

Tanya

Thanks all for the feedback. I talked with my T and she said I need to ask myself what I expect to gain from doing that....you know, just help me try to understand what my purpose is (i.e., to please my mom, for me)

I think your T has a good idea Finding out your need to confront makes all the difference. Many ppl confront to make the abuser "own up to" it...and sadly, the usual response is denial and "I have no idea what you are talking about." That leaves the patient in a worse place than they were before.

IMO, no confrontation should take place until the person has worked thoroughly through the abuse with a T, and feels that nothing else is needed for healing. The confrontation then takes on the attitude of, this is what you did to me, I know it, you know it, but I have survived...anyway! TC!

I don't think there is a right or wrong time to confront.. as long as it is right FOR YOU... thats what matters.
Good Luck! You already show courage that I hope to have one day myself.