When you can't confront, or have the people that mattered most listen.

Hi, everyone. Please be patient with me in this, I'm going to write what I can right now, and nothing more. I thought the best place to start is the place the weighs the heaviest for me, but because it is the heaviest it is also the easiest to define and the easiest to voice at the moment.

When I was growing up, my mother called me a slut, often - and treated me with a sense of paranoia that she was SURE I was sleeping with every one I could possibly sleep with. She did this from the time I was ten. I've worked through this part of it. I understand a great deal of it, and there is a profound history that effected my mother in a way that she could never fully function in any sense of trust in any matter of raising me and sex. She would often place me and my sister in positions where we would be molested or raped. For my sister, she used it as a way to be her rescuer, for me it was a way to prove that I was the slut she was convinced I was.

When I was in highschool, she did this to me again, and the situation I found myself was beyond what I could bear. I ran away from home. I came back home six weeks later when I learned that the person who was hurting me was moving to another state and I wouldn't have to go out with him any longer. When I came home, she convinced my boyfriend that I had been sexually active for a very long time, and I had been going out on him for a long time.

This was the man I wanted to marry. I really loved him with everything I had. We were soul mates. I dated him for two years nearly three years before we became intimate - I wanted to be a virgin for the man I married, and I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be sure it was what I wanted. At the time I thought I was a virgin. I truly did.

He chose to believe her. In fairness to him, I didn't leave him much to believe, either. I needed to hide it - and to protect myself from it. The person who was doing this to me was humiliating me at school - and I had to do something to save some sort of sense of normalicy.

But, he never gave me the opportunity to talk to him about it either. Not ever. He asked me if I had sex with this person. . .I said yes. He asked if I loved him, I said no. Then he said that I was doing it just for the sex, I told him it was rape. He said "I can't believe you." and he walked out the door.

After he calmed down, he wanted me back, said he would forgive me. I couldn't go back to him. Not without a voice. Not on those terms. I told him that I needed to talk about it, he always said he didn't want to hear it. I had quite a profound nervous break down after that.

What amazes me is that what this person did to me was much more sick than anything any one in the past had ever done -
Years later I was raped and tortured for six hours and left for dead - and NEITHER hurt me or effected me more than his refusal to listen. NOTHING HAS EVER HURT ME SO MUCH IN MY LIFE. I've lost three babies, gone through a divorce, and still nothing has hurt me more than that one moment when he said he couldn't believe me. Nothing has.

I have pretty much resolved the issues and anger toward my mother. She is still very sick minded. I have accepted that she is not a healthy person by any sense of the word, and don't expect anything from her any longer. (Apology, reponsibility, etc.) She never will. The denial is just too deeply inbedded.

But **T** - that's a different story. I can't seem to move past it. The door is as shut now as it ever has been. Even more so, now.

It struck me recently how easy it was for him to believe what he chose to believe. That was a step forward for me, I think.

Ugh. I'm going to go take a hot bath and soak.

Thanks for listening,
Beth

I want to apologize to this forum for my last post. I am new and didn't know that a forwarning of triggers would be appropriate. I'm sorry if my post brought up anything in anyone's thinking that has caused any harm in any way. It definatley was not my intention. I will mark any similar posts in the future with a warning.

Beth

Its okay! Welcome to the forum. Im glad you were able to get alot off your chest. Feel free to come back and share. I'm so sorry for the pain you went through as a child. It sounds lonley and so hurtful. Its wonderful that we are adults now and can find caring people to be around. Again welcome to the forum.

esthersvirtue

Thank you, Esthersvirtue, today has been a hard day, I keep wanting to go hide inside of myself. . .too close to the stuff, I think. It was hard to write, I felt raw after I wrote it, and even more so once it was posted for every one to read. Ugh. But it let it go from my heart for a little while. I didn't feel so burdened by it for the first time. I made my first appointment with a therapist in fifteen years for Monday. I'm looking forward to it, and wanting to run from it all at the same time. Sigh. It hurts.
I am glad that I am an adult. Very glad. Thank you for your warm hug, it was gladly received and much appreciated and needed!

Bethanna