[January]

Dear Friends,

This message is for those of you who have elderly parents or relatives who are still able to live on their own.

Until recently, my Mom lived on her own. We always checked her refrigerator and kitchen cabinets to make sure she had plenty of food. Her house looked neat and she plainly told us she did not need help keeping her house clean. It had a funky smell, but Mom uses a kind of perfume and powder that I detest and I thought that was it.

Then something terrible happened and we almost lost Mom twice within three weeks. She survived but she won’t be able to live by herself anymore. We have had to clean and sort things out so my niece can move in with Mom and we discovered an absolute horror of junk, dirt, bags of old papers and bills and much, much more hidden behind closed doors and under furniture.

We respected Mom’s privacy and we all made a horrible mistake. My mother is a germaphobe and she was living with dirt, not dust, but dirt. We've had to wear masks and gloves to clean her house. We’ve thrown out about thirty big bags of trash, a bunch of dead mice and have scrubbed and scrubbed over and over again to get things clean.

If you have an elderly parent or loved one, please be nosy! Don’t let your respect for him or her keep you from looking in closets, drawers and under beds. Look for mouse droppings, things stuffed down in bags or boxes gathering dust and dirt and hidden things that are musty and dirty. Look behind those closed doors. If your loved one gets mad at you, just accept it and keep on being nosy.

This situation with Mom has horrified me and broken my heart, but if I can spare one of you the shock we've been through with this, it's worth sharing.

Sincerely,

Jan

[Junerain]

((((Jan)))

Sorry you have been horrified and had your heart broken

Sounds both puzzling and difficult at the same time

How selfless of you, to share what you have learned for the benefit of others, even re-living the pain in order to do so

May you heal slowly, with such a strong heart my hope is for your healing of it.....

[ndecanio]

Never thought about that. Thank you for sharing your story.

[January]

Originally Posted by Junerain

((((Jan)))

Sorry you have been horrified and had your heart broken

Sounds both puzzling and difficult at the same time

How selfless of you, to share what you have learned for the benefit of others, even re-living the pain in order to do so

May you heal slowly, with such a strong heart my hope is for your healing of it.....

Thank you so much, Junerian for your support and kindness. I really appreciate it.

[January]

Originally Posted by ndecanio

Never thought about that. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are very welcome.

[AAAAA]

January I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It's so difficult to decide when/how to step in. Especially when they spend so much of their time hiding things from you. My Grandmother in particular knew she was losing her memory, it started quite early because of a stroke. She became quite keen at hiding it over the years.

We didn't have to worry about cleanliness, she had a daily routine that she would complete come hell or high water no matter what (because if she stopped at any point she would have no clue where she was). But God forbid something interferred with the TV schedule during the day. If Days of our Lives was not on, she had no idea it was lunch time. The same with Wheel of Fortune and dinner.

She lived well below her means because she had no idea how much money was in her checking account and did NOT want anyone else involved in her financial affairs. She was terrified of spending any money, even on food or medication.

She was very over-protective about the closets in the spare bedrooms. Even when I stayed with her when she was dx with cancer, I was not to go near the closets. Upon her death we discovered they were literally packed from floor to ceiling with mail, most of it junk mail. I don't know why she thought it was so important to save it except she had become paranoid about throwing anything away with her name on it.

How has your mother taken to the idea of someone living with her?

[January]

(((((((((((( AAAAA ))))))))))))

I can just imagine what those closets looked like. I'm so sorry you went through this heartache with your Grandmother.

Mom doesn't want anyone living with her at all. I offered to combine our money and get a two bedroom apartment to share with her but she doesn't want to leave her house and she doesn't want me living with her. (It's the old mother-daughter thing.) She has been told though that if she doesn't cooperate, she will have to stay in a nursing home. Thankfully, I was not the one who had to deliver that news. My niece did it, because Mom won't shred her to pieces.

[bipolardisordermom]

((((Jan))) Thanks for letting us know. I would have never throught that anyone would do that. We live with the inlaws so that my husband can help his father out because he is very elderly and looses his standing pretty easily and falls alot and breaks bones and bleeds very easily. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Rmdctc]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope that she can be ok with someone living with her. Good luck with it all.

[January]

Originally Posted by bipolardisordermom

((((Jan))) Thanks for letting us know. I would have never throught that anyone would do that. We live with the inlaws so that my husband can help his father out because he is very elderly and looses his standing pretty easily and falls alot and breaks bones and bleeds very easily. Thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you for being so kind to your in-laws. Please be sure and take care of yourself. When I was married we took care of my MIL. It can take a big toll. I hope your FIL does better and thank you for your support.

[January]

Originally Posted by Rmdctc

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope that she can be ok with someone living with her. Good luck with it all.

Thank you so very much. My niece recognizes she's in for it and I'm going to have to back her up as much as possible.

[AAAAA]

Ah, I suspected as much, I'm so sorry. This is the same way I got the job lol. I have no doubt that deep down my grandmother knew that she needed someone there. That isn't to say that she didn't fight it tooth and nail. My mother bore the brunt of the fall out.

May I suggest for everyone's mental health that your niece have many "appointments" outside the home. Every night my uncle came over to sit with her for dinner (he was the apple of her eye and she was sweetness and light to him, plus she ate just to please him), and my mother and Aunts took turns on various night so that I could just leave for a while.

It's a wonderful gift you're all giving her, whether she feels inclined to see it this way right now or not. I wish you all strength, courage, patience and peace.

[bipolardisordermom]

Originally Posted by January

Thank you for being so kind to your in-laws. Please be sure and take care of yourself. When I was married we took care of my MIL. It can take a big toll. I hope your FIL does better and thank you for your support.

Your welcome. THat's what I'm here for.

[pachyderm]

Hey! What if you are one of the elderly loved ones?

[January]

Oh Pachy!! That was so funny!

[Maven]

I'm sorry that happened to your mother, but I have to disagree with the idea of being nosy, if a person seems to be capable of living on their own. It's one thing if you've seen evidence of problems, but if not, you have to go on trust. Everyone deserves privacy, and some of us can't live or function without it. Just because you're worried about someone doesn't mean you have the right to invade their privacy. If you're talking about a hoarding situation, it can be destructive to empty out and clean up their home without the aid of a therapist and the victim themselves; the victim needs control, or you end up hurting that person.

[KathyM]

Pachy's question wasn't funny to me. It makes me extremely nervous because my sister is in town. I used to be a clean freak too and always lived in nice surroundings. Due to my illness (amyloidosis), my husband has had to take over all those duties in addition to his work. He never was very good at housekeeping, but it never mattered to me when I had the ability to do it myself. Our home needs a lot of work done, but we don't have the money or manpower to do it ourselves.

Whenever my sister comes to visit, I've always managed to have the house clean and ready for her. This time I was too ill to lift a finger, and wouldn't allow my husband to do any heavy cleaning because he has a bad back and a torn tendon in his shoulder that needs to heal. It's also "mouse season."

I have a rather strange collection of stuff too. To strangers, it looks like junk - worthless to them, priceless to me. They are mementos and reminders of places I've been and people I've seen in my life - little gifts I've received along the way. I would be furious if anyone took it upon themselves to throw it all away.

It is my most heartfelt and sincere desire to die in my own home. The thought of living in a nursing home and being dependent on strangers absolutely TERRIFIES me. I don't need or want to extend my life any longer than nature intended. I only want a little respect in my "golden years," and to pass on quietly in my own home.

I can see that look of judgment in my sister's face, and I'm so afraid someone will convince her to take action against my husband and have me placed in a nursing home.

I hope and pray my sister will not disrespect me.

I would suggest a serious conversation with your loved ones about "end of life" desires. Not everyone wants to live in a nursing home, and not everyone wants to live forever.

[pachyderm]

Hospice seems to be an alternative to a nursing home that is worth investigating, or even hospice care within the home. Assuming you think you have a "limited" time left.

((((KathyM))))

[Rmdctc]

How is it going with your mom Jan?

[January]

Originally Posted by Maven

I'm sorry that happened to your mother, but I have to disagree with the idea of being nosy, if a person seems to be capable of living on their own. It's one thing if you've seen evidence of problems, but if not, you have to go on trust. Everyone deserves privacy, and some of us can't live or function without it. Just because you're worried about someone doesn't mean you have the right to invade their privacy. If you're talking about a hoarding situation, it can be destructive to empty out and clean up their home without the aid of a therapist and the victim themselves; the victim needs control, or you end up hurting that person.

I see your point, Maven and it is well given. However, in Mom's case, we consulted a social worker, etc., and it was either get rid of the stuff and make room for Mom to be able to walk safely through her house and to make room for someone to live with her, or she would be kept in a nursing home. She would wither away in a nursing home because that's just her way.

[January]

Originally Posted by KathyM

Pachy's question wasn't funny to me. It makes me extremely nervous because my sister is in town. I used to be a clean freak too and always lived in nice surroundings. Due to my illness (amyloidosis), my husband has had to take over all those duties in addition to his work. He never was very good at housekeeping, but it never mattered to me when I had the ability to do it myself. Our home needs a lot of work done, but we don't have the money or manpower to do it ourselves.

Whenever my sister comes to visit, I've always managed to have the house clean and ready for her. This time I was too ill to lift a finger, and wouldn't allow my husband to do any heavy cleaning because he has a bad back and a torn tendon in his shoulder that needs to heal. It's also "mouse season."

I have a rather strange collection of stuff too. To strangers, it looks like junk - worthless to them, priceless to me. They are mementos and reminders of places I've been and people I've seen in my life - little gifts I've received along the way. I would be furious if anyone took it upon themselves to throw it all away.

It is my most heartfelt and sincere desire to die in my own home. The thought of living in a nursing home and being dependent on strangers absolutely TERRIFIES me. I don't need or want to extend my life any longer than nature intended. I only want a little respect in my "golden years," and to pass on quietly in my own home.

I can see that look of judgment in my sister's face, and I'm so afraid someone will convince her to take action against my husband and have me placed in a nursing home.

I hope and pray my sister will not disrespect me.

I would suggest a serious conversation with your loved ones about "end of life" desires. Not everyone wants to live in a nursing home, and not everyone wants to live forever.

Thank you for your input KathyM. You and Mom share many of the same fears. Since you are married, wouldn't your husband be the one who would be your helper, and you his, instead of your sister?

Your suggestion of discussing with your loved one his/her "end of life" desires is very wise. We have known Mom's wishes since I was a child. She doesn't want to live in a nursing home. Her illnesses have brought everything to a head so that we have to take action and move things and clean them out to make room for her to safely use a walker in her house and have room for a hospital bed. This is no small undertaking on our part, nor is it a cavalier decision. My Mom doesn't want to live in a nursing home. She is in the rehabilitation center learning how to walk again, use the potty, etc, so she can come back to her home.

I feel very guilty that none of us caught on as to how Mom was hiding things from us and that she lived in a dirty house. I don't mean dusty or cluttered, I mean dirty. My Mom deserved better than that from all of us and we all failed her.

[January]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Hospice seems to be an alternative to a nursing home that is worth investigating, or even hospice care within the home. Assuming you think you have a "limited" time left.

((((KathyM))))

I sincerely hope I won't ever have to choose between the two, but that's a good comment, Pachy.

[Maven]

I understand, January, but if your mom is capable of making her own decisions and understands that is what would happen, I still believe she should make her own decision. Don't misunderstand; I know you feel as you do and did as you did because you love and care for her. But I believe in freedom, and that means loved ones may make choices you disapprove of.

KathyM, you're basically the kind of person I'm talking about. I believe people have the right to "pursue happiness," even if it seems a poor choice to others. That said, of course, one's right to pursue happiness--one's rights--end where others' begin. I don't believe anyone should be put into a nursing home or anywhere else if they can function in their own home, take care of themselves (and if not, if possible and it's their preference, they should get someone who can take care of them in their own home), and not endanger others. Just because you are elderly or disabled doesn't mean your freedoms and rights should be taken away.

[January]

Originally Posted by Rmdctc

How is it going with your mom Jan?

Mom gets to come home on Friday! How great is that!!!!

We spent the day moving my niece into the house in the pouring, sopping rain. It looks good though. I think I'll need to help her finish up things at her old apartment tomorrow.

Mom's house is a tiny cottage so there is very little room, but it's nice and clean, Mom still has her beloved knick knacks and pictures and she'll have room to bop around using her walker.

She will have a home health nurse, home health physical therapist and occupational therapist visiting her each week.

Thanks so much for asking.

[Behindthemoon]

I am living with my parents and i really appreciate the bits of love and caring they give to me.Sometimes i love to prepare dinner with them and wash the dishes.
Thanks for sharing the story.