Anger

I’ve been trying to deal with a particular issue, and I found that every time I got near it, I would get so panicky and fearful, I would have to back away again. It was like there was this huge monster behind a door, and thinking about that issue was getting too close to that door. I kept wondering what that monster was…had something terrible happened to me that I couldn’t remember? Well, last week I had a real breakthrough and I realized that the monster is anger. My T gave me a chapter on anger avoidance, and it described me perfectly. Anger is so frightening to me that I can’t even tell when I am feeling angry. And, just like this chapter described, I am often taken advantage of, and rarely get what I want, because I am unable to express anger. So, I am working on recognizing my anger.

For several months now, whenever I come to this site, I feel this knot in my stomach, and I now have to acknowledge that this knot is anger, not concern, not sadness, not worry, not dismay…anger. I don’t exactly know how to get past this, but I know that I will never be able to come here without feeling that knot in my stomach unless I give voice to my anger. And these are my feelings, and mine alone…I am not asking, nor expecting, anyone to feel the same way.

In no particular order…

I am angry that the people I see here as the most vulnerable and least able to articulate their needs are lectured and scorned rather than trying to understand them.

I am angry that people who say they have been hurt here are told to stop being negative, but those who cause the pain are given no such admonition.

I am angry that when people mention something here that has hurt or upset them, it is seen as an attack on the site rather than as a chance to grow and improve the site.

I am angry that a certain group of members chooses to respond to expressions that someone feels unsafe or unwelcome here by congratulating themselves and patting themselves on the back for this being such a warm and welcoming site…to me, this feels like a big “screw you” to anyone who feels unsafe and unwelcome.

I am angry that some people say that everyone should accept the site exactly as it is, or go somewhere else, when I know that things at this site were changed to accommodate those very people, sometimes against the wishes of other members.

I am angry that some of those very same people who say to accept the guidelines as they are complained so vociferously about something I had done that did NOT violate the guidelines that it may have permanently ruined my relationship with the administrators and moderators of this site.

I am angry that the guidelines at this site have become so broad that almost every post that is remotely unpleasant can be interpreted as violating the guidelines, making deciding what is acceptable extremely subjective.

I am angry that this subjectivity has created an atmosphere where whether a moderator agrees or disagrees with the sentiment in a post has a bearing on whether or not it is acceptable.

I am angry that I got caught up in that subjectivity, and was told that something completely innocent was violating the guidelines…I now fear that anything I say here could be viewed as unacceptable, and I may lose my membership because of it.

I am angry that some people use the rule about not sharing PM’s as an excuse to treat people abominably in private, but act as if they have never done anything to harm another living soul in public.

I am angry that this site now feels like there is a ruling class and an underclass.

I am angry because I feel like I need to be considerate of other people’s sensitivities, triggers, etc. but I don’t feel that same consideration in return.

I am angry because I feel unwelcome at a site I’ve been coming to for three and a half years.

I’m angry that I don’t feel free to share the happiest event of my whole life because some people disapprove.

I am angry because I know people have lied to make themselves look like they were in the right and others were in the wrong, and I’m angry at how many people believed the lies.

I’m angry because so many of the members who I loved to read because of their insight and wit have left.

And I’m angry that I no longer can recognize this as the same place that was my lifeline at the lowest time in my life.

MJ --

Well said...it's like you crawled inside my head and put all my thoughts right out there (but I've only been here since before Chrsitmas '04). So as not to hijack, I just want to add, I am at a very low point right now in my life, and I wish this was the PC of old. I won't post (as I should) because I know there will be some people who will drag out the soapboxes, and I can live without that.

And I'm right there with you on your last "anger" issue.

(((((mj14)))))

Dolfin

((((((((((((((((((((((WOW!!!!)))))))))))))))))))

I have never seen ANYTHING so......right on! on these Forums! That posting that I just read, I felt like I could say "amen" after reading every line....I feel like I have sincerely been "touched"........and I feel the heaviness of the flat-out sadness of one who has called this place their lifeline for 3 1/2 years.........has hit home for me......right in MY guts.........awesome & inspiring!

I am for once in my life speechless (so shut up then )

Awesome..........DAYZEE9

Although I may be guilty of causing some of that anger, <font color="blue">RIGHT ON, MJ!!</font>

Now let's hope someone listens to you besides me.

MJ, this post is absolutely amazing. I'm at a loss for words, so I'm just going to say thanks.

mj - thank you for so eloquently putting into words what i have not been able to.

i feel EXACTLY the same ..that's why I changed my signature too, for a reminder

Since this was a post about expressing anger, I'll say 'right on...!' I wish more people could find a way to express their anger in an appropriate and timely manner. It makes for healthier relationships.

I hope in expressing some of those things, some of the angry feelings will also decrease.

DocJohn

well said, mj. well said, john. there are ways for a person to express emotions (even absolute anger) without hurting or attacking. well done! that was the point i tried to make at another thread and this is a perfect example of that!

mj, i'm sorry you feel such an anger. i hope you feel some release since you've posted it and it's now "out there".

i wish you so well.

kd

mj,
I'm so impressed with the way you stated all of that. It's so clear and direct. And about anger...that's a hard emotion to feel comfortable expressing for me. I just bought a workbook about women and anger and I can't wait to delve into it.

Thanks for expressing yourself so eloquently and directly. What a wonderful model to follow.

gg

I always wanna stand near you so people think I am smart by association.

Very well stated mj. I am amazed at how well you stated your feelings WITHOUT antagonizing. Your statements were honest, well-thought out, and eloquently stated. I'm proud to call you my friend. If I could be as smart and well-spoken as you.

Great job! ((((((((((Jo))))))))))

I'm glad your post was excepted here to me that says we can say what we want within reason.
Lrks

Yes, MJ, you are angry. I'm glad that you were able to express it. I know that it was tough to do so... especially for so many of the things you are angry about. ((((MJ)))) IMO being able to identify your anger will help you work on it and release it.

But I have another thought, also, for you.... part of what you consider change here, might not be here, but with you. You are working on yourself, you are broadening your focus and able to encompass more and more members and issues and the site in general... and because you are progressing, perhaps now you see things differently and are even better able to lead others on a better path?

I'm not sure all of what you said is true. I do believe that you said it in a truthful manner, and that you believe it.

IMO the anger you have, you have had for a long time (thus the knot in your stomach everytime you came.) You weren't able to express it, so you turned it against yourself, I'm thinking. Now you can release it healthily, and you will feel better. That makes me glad, because you have always been a member that I respect for the journey you are on, and how you are doing.

(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) Sky (bDark)

Good job on working on this issue mj!! You wrote about it a long time back ( Re: ?? Love ?? ) and this post shows how far you've come. Well done! I think you've found a way of being healthier and not turning your anger inward with this newfound expression of yours. A large pat on the back for figuring this out.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((MJ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for this post. To be able to recognize your anger as a problem and to express it the way you have is truely awesome. I agree with your post and the way it was presented. Bravo!!

Excellent post, Jo.......I'm proud that you came to address your anger. Now, perhaps everyone on here that has contributed, in any way, to the unrest, can go forward. A clean slate, so to speak.....xoxo pat

Now, didn't writing that make you feel better? I vent to people I'm mad at by writing them a letter or email...then I throw it away to not fuel the issue. Putting how you feel in writing can make you feel soooooo much better and not sooooo angry or mad....at least for me. I hope it did for you.

You deserve a pat on the back for being brave enough to say these things that wear on you. Great job!!! Bravo!!!

Missi

Jo, I have been in my own little world and I am sorry not to see this sooner. You are and always have been my cheerleader. Your anger is valid and in the expression of such we can all learn. You are direct and honest and lay it on the line. I respect you greatly. Feel a friendship with you and wish that this wonderful time in your life could be shared and celebrated. You are a loving soul and a good friend. I am so glad to see this post because I myself am afraid of anger and here you are being an incredible role-model. My dear friend, I wish you peace.

bump

Thanks to everyone for replying. I hope that y'all don't mind a "group reply."

Posting this was very difficult for me...I've got it so deeply ingrained in me that I *shouldn't* feel angry about anything, my hands shook as I hit the "Post" button. It means so much to me that even people who might not agree or understand my feelings could recognize that this was something I needed to do so I could reach a place of healing.

For those that asked if this helped me release some of the anger, it really did. I was really stuck in a place where I couldn't see past these feelings. Sky said that she wasn't sure if all of these things was true, and I think that hit the mark...my feelings weren't really about what's true and what's not true, but about my anger. I tried so hard to just push it out of the way...but it just formed that knot in my stomach that I described above. I sure am going to try to let it out as it comes up from now on, instead of letting it build and build.

In addition to the chapter on anger avoidance, my T also gave me one on healthy anger. It gave a formula for expressing feelings, "When _________ happens, I feel ________, and I want __________." I took a baby step today by being able to say how I feel, and now I feel like I can think about the second half of that statement in a positive, healing way.

So thanks again to everyone, and even though I'm replying only once, I will give you each individual hugs, since each and every reply has meant something special to me.

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{{{{{{{{{Angie and the girls}}}}}}}}

Love to y'all,
Jo

mj, i so understand what you're saying about "being true". one thing t and i had to focus on for quite a while was that. he said that it didn't matter if the facts were precise, etc. what mattered is what i felt to be true because that is what has affected and scarred me.

i'm so glad you got something you needed from this.

peaceful wishes to you.

kd

MJ: Thank you for not just writing down a quick post to say this site has issues that make you angry. Instead, you put great thought and feeling into it.
This site for me has been a blessing and a curse. In fact, I spoke to my T about it last night in my session. And, she thinks I need to gradually withdraw myself from it altogether.
You know how to find me so please don't lose touch with me.
I wish you well in following your dreams, becoming healthy and feeling safe on a site that produces goodness, fairness and total hopefulness!
Take care!

ooooo I will take all the hugs ya got fer me! ((()hugs back()))