[wi_fighter]

I can't do this.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((SHIRLEY)))))))))))))))))))))))))0

Whats wrong hun? Whats going on? What can I do?

[sorrel]

((((((Shirley)))))

What is it? Look after you and be gentle on yourself.

hugs,

sorrel

i believe that you can do it. you're a very strong woman..look at where you've been and where you are now? you're a role model for women who have been in relationships that are so one-sided. you're strong, you're cute and doggone it, i like you.........and i'm here, day or night, wind or rain, clouds or sunny, tornadoes or hurricanes........i'm here...p

[(JD)]

Sorrel, the quote by Jung is right... though I don't agree with his stuff all the time...

((((WI)))))) maybe you can try thinking, instead of "I Can't", that "I don't want to" or "I'm not sure I can?" It may sound trivial but it will help to reduce some of the agony you are going through... and you can do this... you can... you can... but I'm sorry it's such a tough time for you.

[complic8d]

(((((((((((((wi)))))))))
You've been encouraging me, so I'm going to encourage you. If I can do it, so can you. Just keep doing it and the can't will change to can. Stay safe , love ya. HUGS!

[wi_fighter]

Sky, I know you mean well, but in this case I don't see the "I don't want to" or "I'm not sure I can" techique working.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

I finally threw out hateful e-mails from the time of our divorce 4-5 years ago.
He didn't.
He's using it against me.

I have a suicide attempt under my belt.
He doesn't.
It could work against me.

I let my daughter come home from school on days she's not feeling well.
He doesn't.
He's using it against me.

I don't understand math.
He does.
He's using it against me.

My house is a democracy.
His house is a dictatorship.
He's using it against me.

I have a one-adult household.
He has a two-adult household.
He's using it against me.

I don't have any friends.
He has many friends.
He's using it against me.

I do things with my kids and limit my socialization when they're at his place.
He does things for himself and stays home when the kids are with him.
He's using it against me.

I buy them clothes.
He pays their health insurance.
He's using it against me.

My family lives 3 hours away.
His is 30 minutes away.
He's using it against me.

I have a small family, spread out hours in all directions.
He has a large extended family, all within 30 minutes.
He's using it against me.

I work on production - my work day doesn't end until the quota is met. Housework slides because of it.
He works on salary - his work day ends when he wants it to. His house is much cleaner.
He's using it against me.

I cry.
He shows no emotion.
He's using it against me.

I got a disorderly conduct fine for calling my ex landlord a name (and there were no witnesses).
He "only" has a drunk driving arrest.
He's using it against me.

I find attempting to talk with my kids or sending them to their room to cool off, even if it means I have to step outside to cool down as well, works best for me. Sometimes I raise my voice, sometimes I say things I wish I didn't. Sometimes I have to apologize to my kids.
He finds hitting occasionally and saying they deserved it and then threatening to hit again to keep his kids in line works best.
He's using it against me.

I lik to think big decisions through when it involves the kids.
He makes big decisions for them in a snap and refuses to rethink them.
He's using it against me.

Because my daughter had 10 absences this year, is getting a D in math, has a messy bedroom, doesn't see her maternal grandparents as often as her paternal, her mother speaks her mind, doesn't feel the need to kick back with a few beers, can't talk her way out of bad decisions, and sometimes my kids come out on top during a disagreement, is the court going to find that it's in their best interest to live with him the majority of the time?

Probably. And I CAN'T HAVE THAT, but I might not have a choice unless I back down and let him have his way.....AGAIN. I haven't done anything "bad" but the court might say that a strict disciplinarian who refuses to admit any faults is a better influence than someone who runs a fair but loose ship and admits her weaknesses.

Yes, I'm in agony. It might not be what others would consider agony, but it's mine and it's the worst thing I've gone through in all of my 43 years. I'm fighting to keep my kids in a safe and nurturing environment, and I might lose them to two people who think it's better to dictate and treat them as objects.

[catgirl]

I know your agony. Your life mirrors my life in so many ways. Your ex is similar to mine. Your personality runs parallel to my own. Though there are some differences, please don't believe you are the only one out there who is going through this. You are not alone. I am here with you. Everyday I walk those footsteps you speak of. I'll write more later. I just wanted to send you a few words of encouragement in hopes that hearing from another, who cries those tears and understands your pain, will offer you a strength of comradery. When I get really low I have to shut my mind off to everything except what is happening for today. We can help you make it through...today.

[nightdream]

My dear friend,

A house can be clean and sparkle in every corner but if there is an adult with children living in it who hits them, yell at them, might takes drive with them while his is drunk, no communication between them it is not a good home or environment for children.

You fight this part my dear friend. You fight in the name of love for your children.

Many hugs to you!
nightdream

[wi_fighter]

Jen, sorrel, Pat, comp, and cat, thanks for the kind words and support.

I'm feeling even sadder right now, because the only person I can call a friend of mine IRL who I only see a few times each summer is coming back to Wisconsin in a few weeks. Now I'm afraid to spend any time with him. He's bisexual, and if the ex finds out, that will be one more thing to use against me.

I don't even feel capable of being a friend anyway. I'm too messed in the head to do anything but bring people down with me. So I push them away before they get close, because if I let them get close, they end up wanting to escape my pitiful orbit. It's part of why I haven't tried to find a new partner. I need to try and fix me so don't I let myself get stuck in another dysfunctional relationship. And supposedly that makes me a bad parent because I've prevented getting myself into any relationships, platonic or otherwise, in order to prevent getting into toxic ones.

My daughter told me he called me a hermit last week, accused her of getting stuck in "your mom's hermit ways" because she doesn't want to go to that humongous academic camp for her first away from home trip with no friends around. I'm not a hermit. I just spent two days on a mini vacation. We went on three tours in two days and even sat at an outdoor cafe and chatted with the people at the next table. Just because I didn't get, in the span of 5 minutes, their name, phone number, and e-mail address with plans to get together the next weekend hardly makes me a hermit. The weekend of the 14th was the first one as far back as I can remember that we didn't do something. And that was because they normally would have been at their dad's and we had big plans for this past weekend, so I told them we were hanging out at home and taking it easy on spending.

I'm not a hermit. My self esteem is just so shot full of holes that I'm not comfortable starting up a conversation with anyone and everyone. When I do try, I get shooed out of the way with a "That's nice. Bye now." If I could blame it on the long lines of people behind me, I would, but it's when I'm the only one anywhere in sight and these same people talk their heads off with anyone else who stops by and actually let the lines get held up. I hate being an outsider in a small town, but I'm not a hermit. I go out and do things alone and try to pretend it doesn't bother me that, unless my kids are with me, I do EVERYTHING alone. And then I come home and feel emptier because of it, and now it's getting used to hurt me even more. As if it doesn't hurt enough already.

[wi_fighter]

(((((((((((Nightdream)))))))))))

Thank you so much for those kind words.

If only I could fake a spotless house as easily as he fakes his warmth, kindness, and concern, I'd have it made. I have plenty of my own mental, emotional, and personality hurdles to overcome, but I can happily say Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome is not one of them, and that's how he see this guy. But the people who can ooze insincere charm and a cool composure when it really counts always come out winners, don't they?

[(JD)]

Well, as for the spotless house you can use that against him as he HAS HELP (2 parent household!) and once you get alimony, maybe you can have help too.

I know you won't like reading this, because I know I don't like hearing the flip side from my T when I'm taking the other position, and feeling that way...

There are two sides to these issues (or more)

As for the hateful emails,, if you really need them, contact the ISP... or search for them on your computer.. unless you have a different one ..odds are they're on there inthe dark crevices (especially if you printed them out!) BUt trust me, judges don't usually take things that are that old into consideration (unless it's been going on for all that time and is relevant.)

There's an argument to be made for democracy... seems whole countries have used it : ) Too much leniency or too much strictness can balance off... only you know where you are on the scale, though..

You just think he's using the disorderly against you... if he wants to play in that mindfield, his drunk driving will come up and I assure you that's a much bigger issue nowdays!!!

You attorney can fight this battle. What he IS using against you is his history of abusive behavior...he's playing you like a fiddle because he knows what buttons to push. Resist. Judges are NOT blind (oh wait... justice is supposed to be...) anyway... it depends upon your attorney, sadly, and how well he/she presents your philosophy of child raising.

I think it's good you made a list, and hope you continue, as you will then be able to go through it and work on what you wish, but also see the folly in his threats.

You can always change some things... join a church, sign up to volunteer with a non-profit (even if you don't have time right now to help... it goes on the record, you know?) Stuff like that.

Also, children are resilient... and reactive. Put efforts into quality time when you are together/able... the child will benefit greatly, but will also be proof of how well you are doing.

[wi_fighter]

Actually _Sky, you made some really good points. There wasn't one thing in there that I minded reading.

I don't even remember what email addy I had when those letters were sent. It's been over 4 years and this is the third place I've lived since then. But, no, the snidely e-mails haven't been going on this entire time. This was strictly when he was trying to get me to back off and not fight him. He'd say things like "You're a greedy, lazy, sponge who sucks the life out of everything you touch. That's why you can't stand to see other people have good things happen to them. I hope you have a happy life with your gay hairdresser. Maybe he'll marry you and you'll have a few more kids. P.S. I love you." Now, come on, why would someone want to have those letters around still? He thinks what he wrote isn't going to make him look bad? This is the kind of twisted thinking this guy demonstrates, and I'm the crazy one?

[(JD)]

You made a good point yourself: his keeping those emails...and your being able to move on. As long as he keeps demonstrating this way... and you can remain at least somewhat mellow... it will play out well for you. He will, or the attorney will try and push your buttons and get you to act out, raise your voice, say nasty things (which might be true) or even stomp out of the office/court. If you can remain neutral when he is shown to be unpredictable in his behavior...you'll be ahead.

[wisewoman]

wi, maybe I am being too naive again. However, I think as I read your words that anyone who has experience with manipulative people like your ex can tell the reality. He is assasinating your character. You are a good mom and I would like for you to hold your head high and know that in front of the judge and anyone else who asks. It's not your fault woman in thins country get paid crap next to men's income. It's reality. You are listening to him inside and I wish I could shut him up for you. Take him out of you and throw him into a fire or a deep grave or an angry fast river, let the water wash him away so you are not carrying his abuse as a part of you. You do not deserve to be hurt. Remember that the crap he says is from him, he has issues, hold out a mirror when he is saying these things so they don't sink into your skin. As far as the daughter getting a D in math and he wants to send her to this big summer camp? Is there a summer math class she can take at home? Can she get involved with volunteering in a positive way in the community so that her wishes have credibility? Also, there are, believe it or not, people who are tutors who will tutor your daughter for free if they understand the issues. Also, she could barter with them and really take responsibility for her learning. She can mow and garden and clean. She can even look for summer work. I say all of this because if I tried to send my daughter off to a big camp, or any camp at 14 it would have been a disaster. That said, she has a great calculus tutor and is graduating fourth in her class.

My I am long winded, sorry. Good luck and don't let the ********* win.

[wi_fighter]

WW, she's already signed up in something called The Bridges Program that gets 8th graders ready for the transition to high school. It teaches them study and organizational skills. She needs that more than she needs math help. I've talked to her math teacher, and she gets it, she just doesn't like it. That's why her math grades are so poor. She's always been in the advanced math class except for this year when she requested to not be enrolled in it.

She wants to volunteer at the Humane Society this summer, and I'm going to try my hardest to get her to some workshops that the Appleton Art Center holds. They're usually 4-5 week classes that run one night a week for a couple of hours. Some of them are pretty expensive though. I think she might have to enroll in adult classes now, so then the price goes up even more, but the choices of classes increases too.

It's so frustrating when what my heart wants to do for my kids is more than my finances can handle, especially when they're things that some parents take for granted at being able to provide.

[Lilypad]

wi_fighter, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was a divorced single mom and went through the threats and the insults. I hope your lawyer is aware of what's going on and can advise the other atty. to get his client to stop harassing you. I don't think judges want to take children away from their mothers. Plus, they take into account what the children want.

You sound like a great mom. Your ex undoubtedly sees that and is trying to wear you down. But that's what men do. You know what he says are lies; he is wrong about you and anyone who gets to know you will see that very clearly.

Stay strong and tell him to talk to the hand.