[luzcelenia]

Alright, where to start?
I'm 17, and a high school senior. I've struggled with depression and self harm for about six or seven years now, but have been alright for a while now.
I'm not asking for a diagnosis here, just...a direction in which to look.
I'm a very good liar, and a great manipulator. I'm not trying to be prideful or anything--I just, am. The problem is...I can't really tell when I'm lying anymore. I do it very automatically. Another thing is that I feel like everything I say is a lie. When I was SI-ing (self injuring), I felt like it was a 'lie' for attention, even though nobody knew. Every time I'm depressed, I feel like I'm lying about it. I feel like my emotions are invalidated because they're all lies.
I feel as though I've lost touch with reality to some extent. I know that any voices I hear in my head are just my own thinking, but I listen to them. I also have this whole world developed in my mind...I have people in it...names and personalities. It's like 'imaginary friends' on steriods. I've always done this...since I was little. I've had the same people for maybe five years now.The others haven't gone away, I just don't see them anymore. My persona has moved from them...but can visit them. I know that these characters aren't real, but I feel like they are. I feel like not being with them would kill me, or them. I know they aren't tangible people...but they are...sort of.
I constantly think about suicide. I never contemplate it, I just think about it obsessively. Is this a bad thing, or just curiosity. I don't think I would ever do it, I just think about it and the reprocussions of it.
I feel like I'm stuck in my head, overanalyzing everything.
My head, it just goes in circles sort of. :
You're depressed, but only for attention. You want attention, that's why you're depressed, but you don't tell anyone. You should tell somebody about your depression and other problems but if you tell them, it only validates the fact that you wanted attention.
So like...if my problems were real, I should tell someone, but if I tell someone, it makes them not real because I wanted attention. I can't tell if they're real unless I talk to someone, but if I talk to someone then it makes them not real.

Basically, I'm in a thought fog and am unable to think clearly right now. I just want and need some advice. Help, please?
I'm free to explain anything that wasn't written...there's loads more...I just can't think quite clearly right now.

Hello, luzcelenia. You seem to think it is wrong to want attention. Everyone needs to know that he or she is valued as a person. Perhaps the problem is that you do not know more appropriate ways to get the attention you deserve. Harming yourself is not an appropriate way. Lying and manipulating is not appropriate either.

I expect you will need help to sort through what is now going on in your head and to get you back on track to a healthier and more satisfying life. Is there a school counselor that you could talk to? Whomever you talk to must know the truth about what you are going through.

If professional help is deemed advisable, I hope you get it.

Thank you for your post. Please let us know how you are doing. Good luck!

[luzcelenia]

I've spoken frequently with my school counselor about all of these issues. I recently brought up the fact that I've become paranoid that my every word is a lie. He strongly recommends professional help...but every time I get close to asking for it, I find myself suddenly contented with my problems, or in control. I use the term 'suddenly' in a paritally cynical manner. I know for a fact that for some reason, I am convincing myself that these issues are not as big as they are as an avoidance technique. I'm not apprehensive at all about counseling...quite the contrary, I'm starving for it...I've been wanting to ask for years. I'm more apprehensive about discussing it with my parents and the financial ramifications it might have on them and their relationship...money and stress and whatnot. I don't know...I don't know what to do anymore. I feel absolutely hopeless and now realize how pathetic my previous post makes me sound.

luzelenia, please know that your posts do not make you sound pathetic in the least. You are attempting to deal with some very difficult issues. To help with the apprehension about discussing the need for professional help with you parents, I suggest you ask the school counselor to contact your parents about a meeting to tell them about what is going on and to urge them to get you the help you need.

It will take courage to do what I am suggesting. You may want to talk to your counselor about your concerns about the money and stress. You know that at some point you will need to talk to your parents, at the meeting with the counselor or afterward. You will have to be honest with them and not minimize what you are going through.

Remember too that you are a special person. Please begin the journey to a better life.

Good Luck!

[daytimedreamer]

I feel the same as you! Your post is very like me.

At least in terms of the "imaginary friends", look up the term maladaptive daydreaming. It really shed some light for me.

If you figure anything out, let me know. I am just drifting at this point.

[luzcelenia]

Originally Posted by kallinite

I feel the same as you! Your post is very like me.

At least in terms of the "imaginary friends", look up the term maladaptive daydreaming. It really shed some light for me.

If you figure anything out, let me know. I am just drifting at this point.

Wow...I actually had never heard of that until now. I'm looking it up more still, but that's really an interesting point.

@TheByzantine:
I'm definitely considering pursuing professional help, and plan to talk to my counselor Monday.
A big part of it is that by the time I get around to talking with him, I've already convinced myself that my problems aren't problems.

-sigh-
I wish my head was more cooperative. x.x

We are a lot alike, though, I don't have any advice from you, other then to push forward with professional help. I did that and I was so scared but so far it has been a really positive experience.

On a side note, it's kinda cool to have so many members from Upstate NY (I'm also from upstate)

[AtreyuFreak]

Wow. This is like extreme deja vu for me. I can relate to everything you're saying; the personalities in my head, the SI, and ESPECIALLY the manipulating and lying. I would definitely urge you to talk to a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist if you haven't already; therapy has helped me immensely. Please PM me if you need to talk ((((Safe hugs))))

[SilverNeurotic]

Since you seem to have a fairly good relationship with the school counselor, perhaps you can ask him/her for help in asking your parents to help you find a therapist. It'll give you that emotional boost you seem to need and you counselor will no doubt have resources available for your parents to help them out.