[Wantabenormal]

Ever since I was a kid, I was always the follower. I got involved with activities so that I would "belong". Now in my adult life I find that I really don't know what I really like. I feel lost.

To give an example: About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to ride motorcycles (because all my friends rode). I spent the money to take a riding class and went out and bought a brand new bike. I rode it once. It now sits in the back yard collecting cobwebs.

I also find that the people that I considered "friends" are not my cup of tea. So over the past 2 years I have pulled myself out of society and spend my time alone at home.

Anyone else have this problem?

[Gus1234U]

dear wannabe,, first you might stop asking other people "if they feel this way". You are feeling how you are feeling. How will you find out who you are until you start spending time taking yourself seriously ? i would love to tell you to try,,,, (blah blah blah) , but you might~~! so,,, look to yourself, made a real yourself decision, and find out if you have any judgement at all~! if not, make another decision~~! this is called Learning to Be ME. I wish you every success.. Gus

[Wantabenormal]

Thanks Gus1234U for your insight. However, I was asking if others had this problem to gain additional insight. I'm trying to find out if this could be caused by my depression or is it a social phobia, etc...

I understand that I have to search within myself to gain knowledge of who I really am, but does it hurt to discuss the problem in itself?

[Junerain]

I have wonderful, patient, empathetic, kind, sweet, loving people to be friends with in this fallen, empty, cruel world..they are out there and I wish you to find such people, it makes a world of difference to have people in your life to bounce ideas off of, and grow with, ones that grow with you, not grow away from you..

I have found them in churches, in support groups for mental illness, in singing karaoke even!!

meetup.com is a good place to find locals w/ common interests as well

for support group try dbsalliance.org click on find support, meeting near you...

Get out there and look outside yourself, form true friendships and begin to grow and learn more from others who arw growing

p.s. may I ask your age?

[bridgie]

i guess i wonder how else do we find out what we like and dont like if we dont try things. you tried riding bikes it wasnt for you and thats ok you figured it out but you should feel good that you gave it a try. the same goes with friends as you start to get to know people you find they dont have similar interests or are just not good for you to be around, but again how do you know unless you try. keep trying new things and eventually you will find what you like.

[Wantabenormal]

I'm 40 years old... which is the main problem. You would think by now that I would have some idea. However I have found myself feeling... well.... numb.

It seems the older I get the more numb I become.

[Junerain]

I didnt find myself until about 33,, perhaps we have similiar life stories/journeys......

[Wantabenormal]

The bike thing is only one of the many things I have tried, there are numerous examples (that was just one of the more expensive ones).

As far as getting involved with a church, groups, etc... I'm always the wall flower. I'm too scared to say or do something in fear of being considered stupid.

I always wanted to be the person who was carefree and not afraid to be the center of attention. I've tried doing this in the past and ended up just crawling into my hole a little deeper than before.....

[bridgie]

sometimes it takes a lot of attempts to find the right fit. ive always thought i was a follower and I'm in my thirties now and I've begun to try different things that i do on my own, without friends so I can see if that is truly me. many times its not. i also think that we change so much in who we are as time goes on that we may never find ourselves but that we should just try and accept ourselves for who we are at the moment. tomorrow i may be someone completely different and new. i am always adding new layers to myself.
i think growing numb is probably a different issue than finding yourself, imo. i hope you can find a way to bring some feeling back into your life as this may help in finding things you enjoy.

[Wantabenormal]

That's what I long for, enjoyment and happiness. However, if I do find it; it seems to be short lived.

Relationships end, interests fade and once again I am left alone with myself. In the short period of time that I do find diversion; I am elated, then it all comes crashing down again.

[sundog]

I can definitely relate to this. I also go through "crazes" where I'm really into something and then, after a while, my interest fades and I drop whatever it is completely. I guess most people do this to a certain extent, but I do it a lot!! And like you with the bike, I have also frequently bought things to do with a new "hobby" and then they just end up in the garage!!

I also feel like I have kind of a split personality sometimes. I am not someone who is consistently one way. If that makes sense. I am very changeable in how I behave. A lot depends on my mood, and my mood changes quite a bit!

I have generally found it hard to know exactly what it is that I want. And I still struggle with this sometimes.

I do think it's helpful to try and make a list of some constants. There are some activities in my life that I have done consistently throughout and which to some extent define part of who I am. I try and remind myself of these things when I'm having an identity crisis because these constants help to ground me.

Similarly I think it's helpful to write down a list of core values. What do you really believe in?? What's really important to you?? I have opinions about some things which do change a lot. But I have other convictions which are pretty unshakeable. It might only be two things, or whatever, but it's a start. And it can be helpful to keep reminding myself of what is really important to me.

Are there any things in your life you have enjoyed consistently throughout?

[bridgie]

i know for myself when i am up i am more comfortable and ok with being alone and being me. but when i am down i feel the need for outside sources to feel good. i think we all need to know that what we do and who we hang out with doesnt define who we are and we need to be ok with ourselves if we are to be happy in life.

[Wantabenormal]

Hi Sundog. I'm sssooo glad to hear that someone else "gets it". I usually don't find others who have the same issue.

Constants in my life.... no. My life has been a whirlwind of trial and giving up. Here lately I have taken up gardening. Of course I started all gung-ho and now the energy just has just faded away.

It's actually gotten to the point that I don't enjoy seeing my children (ages 18, 20 and 23). When they come over, I feel like they are invading my space....

[Wantabenormal]

Originally Posted by bridgie

i know for myself when i am up i am more comfortable and ok with being alone and being me. but when i am down i feel the need for outside sources to feel good. i think we all need to know that what we do and who we hang out with doesnt define who we are and we need to be ok with ourselves if we are to be happy in life.

I agree, we need to be OK with ourselves in order to be happy, especially around others. However, the journey to OK can sometimes be very daunting; particularly when the road ahead is full of holes.

[bridgie]

I know road are surly bumpy wantabenormal. I think I've hit a few potholes myself. If I find a way to repave the road I will definitaly share with everyone.

[Elana05]

Hi Wantabenormal,

Not sure if this is in the same area - but one thing that has always bothered me about myself is that I change depending on who I am with. (Although with therapy I think *I hope*I have been changing this quite a bit). But in the past it was always: If I'm with someone who is quite and reserved, then I get quiet, if I'm with someone who is more outgoing then I get as loud as I possibly can be (which isn't much for me ). I even sometimes copy their mannerisms.
Even my handwriting changed all the time. I often thought that I knew I would be "my own person" when my handwriting stayed the same all the time.
I just want to be me. Not be so influenced by those around me. In the past I just did not know how to behave around people in order to be accepted. God forbid I would just be myself. I didn't even know what that was. And to be honest, I now think a lot of these issues are due to being a child of divorce and a child of 2 alcoholics... So to be sure, I am still working on this. But I have found therapy very helpful. I think changing this has something to do with putting up boundaries and realizing that it is OK to be yourself around other people.
But in terms of getting down deep inside yourself, I agree it may be helpful to make a list of anything you think might interest you:
What interests you when you are on your own? Do you have any pets? Any types of TV shows you like to watch? Did you ever have a favorite subject in school? Do you have a certain book or book category that's your favorite? I have really stuggled with feeling like I "don't know what interests me." Therapy has been helpful to expose this feeling more as, "I'm not allowed to have anything for myself" and to look at why deep down I feel this way.
One good one way (I think) too see what might be your hidden likes is to imagine a big magazine rack like the one they have in those huge mega-bookstores. If you were standing right in front of it. Which areas would you be drawn to? Say you got to pick 3 or 4 magazines to take home for free. Which ones would you choose?
Sending good thoughts your way...

E

[Wantabenormal]

Hi Elana05.

You bring up an interesting concept, one I haven't thought of before. (The magazine rack)

I guess I'm kinda weird but I'm really into true crime stories. I think that is the one constant I've ever had come to think of it. All of my favorite shows revolve around crime (Bones, SVU, CSI).
Good Lord, what in the world does that say about me?!

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

No matter what you do within your life, you will always be you. Therefore, love yourself and I have no doubt yourself will love you back. Thus, leading you to true happiness.

Have a good one.

Hello, Wantabenormal. In my view, for you to resolve your concerns will take a lot of hard work and trial and error. Perhaps these questions may help you begin the process.

1. What do you mean by normal? A definition of normal:

adjective: being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development ("A perfectly normal child")

2. Do you know someone you would like to pattern yourself after? If so, what makes this person "normal"?

3. Since you do not believe you are normal, how do you define abnormal? A definition: not usual or typical, especially in a way that is worrying or that shows there may be something wrong or harmful.

4. If a person has a mental illness, is that person abnormal? Perhaps you believe a person may be normal despite a mental illness?

5. What about you do you believe is abnormal?

6. Do you believe a person may be both normal and unique? We each have life experiences like no other which influences what we believe and how we act. Our talents and peccadilloes are our own.

7. Are you willing to forgo your uniqueness to be your perception of normal?

8. What are your values? Perhaps a list might help: http://www.selfcounseling.com/help/p...nalvalues.html

9. Have you thought about how you might incorporate what you value into your life? The idea, of course, is to experience more of what you value, and less of what you perceive as less important.

10. How much do you attribute the way you view yourself to a physical or mental illness or condition?

11. Are there steps you may take to ameliorate the affect of a mental or physical condition?

12. Are there actions (exercise or therapy, for example) you could be doing you already know would make your life better? If so, do you know why you are not doing these things?

13. Are there other things you suspect might make you life more meaningful? If so, is there a reason you have not engaged in doing them?

This list is not intended to be exhaustive. No doubt the list is over or under inclusive. Even so, the questions should get you thinking. Your posts in this thread are helpful too. They discuss to an extent your thoughts about what you value and more.

A meaningful life is not something that simply happens. We have choices to make to create the life we value.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by Wantabenormal

That's what I long for, enjoyment and happiness. However, if I do find it; it seems to be short lived.

Relationships end, interests fade and once again I am left alone with myself. In the short period of time that I do find diversion; I am elated, then it all comes crashing down again.

All a Person has is One Self. Relationships, Activitys, and Hobbies are things to do and get involved in, but they are Not You. You are experiencing this truth. Because when it is all said and done, all one is left with is one self. This applys to everyone.

This site has some interesting personality quizzes. Start there to get a general idea what your personality is like. Also take some long walks alone in Nature. See what aminals, plants, and elements you connect with. Draw them, see what traits they have that are simular to yours.

Honor yourself. There is nothing wrong about being yourself. Each of us Mirriors the Universe. There are many Powers and Medicines in each of us to Explore and Honor.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Wantabenormal

Ever since I was a kid, I was always the follower. I got involved with activities so that I would "belong". Now in my adult life I find that I really don't know what I really like. I feel lost.

To give an example: About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to ride motorcycles (because all my friends rode). I spent the money to take a riding class and went out and bought a brand new bike. I rode it once. It now sits in the back yard collecting cobwebs.

I also find that the people that I considered "friends" are not my cup of tea. So over the past 2 years I have pulled myself out of society and spend my time alone at home.

Anyone else have this problem?

I think to be who we are, we first have to be recognised for who we are, if growing up who we are wasn't "tolerated" then some learn to conform to get the attention they badly need. Part of who we are "died" and has to be reclaimed. As you have found out, we cannot find ourselfs in other people. spending time alone is proberbly a very good start!