[KUREHA]

I had been feeling a bit better, but it just went

It feels like everyone is against me and plotting stuff against me, I feel really paranoid for good reason though. I saw my nurse last week - so I was telling her everything and she's looking at me like WTF (she never used to do that) then she said "I don't believe a word you say" - that was really harsh - I don't really think nurses are very empathetic, but she did used to be a little nicer, it's like she sets out to prove I'm wrong

She's either being controlled or she just hates me - I'm going with the second, because it seems pointless to control her just to not believe me.

I see my psychologist on Friday - I think she's sick of me though - whinging about the same things and I don't want her to hate me as well.
I want to tell her this stuff, but I don't want to let her down like - 'here we go again' kind of thing, she is really great, so I don't know if I should just tell her everything is fine, I don't want to be her failure.

It's like they are against me and just going to leave me and the people behind the conspricay against me - they love all this - no one believing me, just gives them more chances to screw with me more, then kill me when they have had their fun.

[ruffy]

(((kureha))) So frustrating isnt it. Im dealing with trust issues right now, especially about opening up to any therapist, which by the way I so desperately need. I fear being treated the way you have described about your therapist. How someone can not believe what we tell them we are going through or feeling is beyond my understanding. We shouldnt have to perform or try to get them to like us, but how can a person avoid the need and desire to be accepted and believed by another human being? I hope both of us can find the answers we do desperately need. We want to get better. If you want to go into more details about the issues your T didnt believe, we are here for you with a listening ear and no condemnation. If you dont feel comfortable doing this, we are still here and will support you in any way we can. Group hug for you right now as you try and sort things out...

((((((((KUREHA))))))))
Sending many hugs your way.

KUREHA, how is school going?

Maybe it is time to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated again and see if your meds need adjusting. Also, you might want to get a different nurse and psychologist.

You have been having a rough go for a long time. Maybe theses steps will get you going in the right direction again.

Good luck.

[slowinmi]

((((KUREHA))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having difficulty with the paranoia right now and I'm very sad to hear how you were treated by your nurse. No one deserves to be treated as you were or told that somebody doesn't believe you when you are ill.

Is something different since you saw your nurse for your previous appointment? Is is possible for you to ask her why she doesn't believe you?

IMO I think you should be honest with your psychologist so he knows that you're not better and what you're doing is not working.

I hope you feel better soon and I hope you find the treatment that you deserve.

[KUREHA]

Thanks for the replies

Ruffy - Sorry you're going through stuff with your therapist, mine is really great, but I feel like I'm letting her down all the time and I find it hard to talk about how I feel.
She knows I have a hard time trusting though.
What they don't believe (although my psychologist is nicer about it) is that people are trying to kill me - 2 of those people are nurses that work with my nurse.

My course is going ok - not doing as well as I should be though

I saw a psychiatrist not long ago, I didn't really talk to him though because I didn't trust him, my nurse just made me an appointment, he increased my meds, but I stopped taking them, was going to talk about it with my psychologist (I don't want a different 1)

I guess I should tell her everything, but I'm scared of her leaving me as well, I'm sure everytime she sees my name in he diary - she regrets ever seeing me, I never used to think that.
My nurse had never said that before, I don't know if she just doesn't believe what I tell her or if she thinks I'm lying about everything. I should have asked her then.

Thanks - I'll let you know how it goes on Friday.
Sorry for being all depressing.

KUREHA, please see your psychiatrist and get back on the meds. Also, you need to tell everything to your therapist so you achieve a good result.

Good luck.

[ruffy]

Kureha...I know its human nature to try and please other people, but you are expecting alot out of yourself when you say you may be a dissapointment to your therapist. It sounds harsh, (tough love) but you are not there to please her, you are there to learn coping skill from her to help deal with your issues. You dont want to lose her, but you also need her help. Ask her how she can help you cope with the feelings you are having. If she has no coping skills for you, then move on. If you feel that people are trying to kill you, then this is how you feel, and these feelings are very real to you. Now I didnt say realistic. I used to think my dad was spying on my sister and I and I was actually up on a chair inspecting every inch of the cealing for tiny hidden cameras. I put caulk over everything I thought might be a hole. Was he spying on us, no, but the feelings were so real to me that I went to extreme measures to deal with it. Im sorry but I have to say again that it is utterly impossible for me to understand how a trained therapist cannot understand that the feelings we have are very real to us. Thats why it is called paranoia. I have to agree that you need your meds, including the adjustment your Dr. made to them so that you can feel more comfortable in your own skin and to prevent any negative reactions you may have to the feelings you are experiencing. Without the meds you will most likely get worse. Remember, you are working towards getting better. Try and remind yourself that your feeling are just that, feelings,and emotions flaring up, and that nothing bad is going to happen to you. Please start taking your medicine again unless you feel it was making you worse, then get back to the p-doc as soon as possible....

[KUREHA]

Well I saw my psychologist on Friday and it went pretty well - she could tell something was wrong, even though I tried to tell her I was fine and she noticed last time as well.

She doesn't hate me - she said she would never think that and she doesn't think I'm failing therapy
So I just told her everything and she was really great.

I was talking about the medication - she totally understands my reservations, but thinks it was starting to help, but I stopped to early and kept missing days. So I'm not sure what to do yet.

My psychologist is a lot more understanding about it - she has let me check her office for bugs and I also get watched by cameras - and I got pictures to show her, she didn't believe they were cameras, but she said if I got good proof - she would come to the police with me.

I see my nurse tomorrow - not sure how that will be though.

Good job and good luck, KUREHA.

[ruffy]

(((Kureha))) Glad to hear you saw the psychologist and that it went well. Hope your visit with the nurse goes well too. I used to forget to take my meds too and miss doses here and there and noticed a great deal of difference in how I felt, even with one missed dose I was back to irrational and paranoid. Now I put them where I know I will see them at the times I need to take them. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[ruffy]

(((KUREHA))) How did it go with the nurse today?

[KUREHA]

Hi,

It didn't go so bad with my nurse - she seemed a little nicer this time
She said she does understand, but she doesn't believe the psychotic stuff and she won't just agree with me.

I asked if she would talk to the other 2 nurses (ones trying to kill me) but she said she didn't have time - so I asked if she would phone, email or text - she said it wasn't a priority and they know she doesn't believe it, but that's just her opinion and it doesn't mean she is right - although she says with her experience - she knows what it is.

Still not sure about the meds though.

[ruffy]

...Not a priority? I think its time for a different nurse my dear.....Im a nurse and would never tell a patient that!!!! If you made the appointment to see her, got dressed, and travelled the distance to keep your appointment with her...then what the blank is her priority? Her lunch break? Im sorry but it angers me to see such indifference coming from someone who is in the business of healing!! You deserve so much better!! You are so special, please know that all of us here at PC care about you deeply!!

[KUREHA]

Thanks

Well she comes to see me - she's a community psych nurse, but yeah I'm not asking her to do much.
It's like sometimes she doesn't think and just says anything.

Not very long ago, just over 2 weeks - she got a call at my house, I could hear the person and she sounded really upset. She said she'd phone the embassy and the police for her but she can't send a text for me

Hope things get better for you soon, KUREHA.

[ruffy]

(((Kureha))) Its nice that your nurse can come to your house. Perhaps you could tell her you feel just a bit slighted. You seem very sensitive, I am as well.

[KUREHA]

Thanks

Yeah I should probably tell her and I am pretty sensitive.
I'll see how it goes next week.