[bluegirl...?]

I feel just like that (-almost all hope is gone-).

I don't even know how to describe how i feel right now, except maybe numb? I have no specific words to label me, but I do know I'm not really okay right now.. I feel that nothing's ever gonna change so what's the point of going on with this life? But, even when I've been getting yelled at, I find myself not really caring; I just take it all in without showing emotion (or feeling any).

I want there to be a change within me and outside of me. I want to be able to love and to *just be happy* with nothing to fret or worry about. I want to be free and just be able to relax for once in my life.

But I really dont think anything new is going to be happening, which means there can't be a change. I find myself silently crying out to my parents, begging for their help and their love, but when I get so close to reaching out, I cant do it and I retreat to my room to hide out some more.

I really feel like I'm close to breaking down if I cant tell whats been going on with me....... but I'm so afraid that to ask for help, no one will give it to me and, like, if they say no, there won't be any turning back and i will just be stuck.

I'm such a huge optimist, which usually helps me in the end, but right now, i find it extremely hard to look at the bright side. I'm living on almost no hope, and i keep falling more and more into a state of nothingnes, and no one's helping. Looking at a cup of water, there's the whole you're-an-optimist-if-you-think-it's-half-full and there'sthe whole you're-a-pessimest-if-you-see-it's-half-empty. -what am i when all i see is just water thats halfway in a cup, and dont think any more to it and move on to something else?

.. So, maybe I'm not numb, since thats without feeling, but I dont know what to describe me. bitter? upset? hopeless? pissed? confused? unsure? all of the above?


So what do i do, because i really have no and im just so confused and i dont *want* to give up?

[shaggy dog]

You are a very expressive writer bluegirl and I appreciate you sharing your feelings. As a parent I want my son to be able to come to me no matter what the problem. I know I would be willing to do anything to help him. I'm sorry you are feeling so detached and I hope that through these forums you struggles can be alleviated. shaggy

Hello, bluegirl...?. Do you have reason to believe your parents would ignore your request for help? Courage is being afraid but doing it anywhere. It will take some courage to talk to your parents. You can do it.

Good luck.

[bluegirl...?]

(((( shaggy )))) & (((( byz )))) -thanks for the posts

well, some reasons that kind of scare me when thinking of talking to my parents...
>my older step-sister was/is (i dont know/talk to her really anymore) a cutter, but she didnt hide it and my brothers had told my mom&stepdad about it after one visit to my dad's. they were disgusted with her and called her *unmentionable* words

>i used to go to therapy when i was way younger because i'd gotten trichomillania (oh gosh, im prolly horribly off on spelling, but its when you pull your hair out and stuff). and i wasnt exactly the most cooperative kid (i was like 8 and afraid to speak to strangers and plus, guy therapists have always just freaked me out), and my mom thought it was a waste of money because me and T went nowhere basically.

>we're not exactly in the bestest place with money right now, so that would be a problem

>honestly, im just a big fat chicken and im afraid to always ask for help -irl at least; i just dont want to ask and what if there's no turning back once i do? what if they say no, and then i've got nothing, absolutely no hope? what if they say yes, and then i see T, but then i regret it later if something happens? -i dont like telling people irl about my SI issues (and other new stuff) because once i do, there's no turning back and i can never take it back.

>also, i guess ive been a bit more quieter (okay truthfully, i dont leave my room unless i have to and that goes for speaking too), and when i do talk, its not in the best tone. well, on monday (or was it sunday?) that my mom silently yelled at me at walmart that i need to get over whats been wrong with me in last few months and that nobody likes a cruel b***h like me and that i needed to be polite in public and i need to stop staring when she's yelling&to be good girl. she's *not exactly* a sympathetic person and she doesnt really care why i dont talk more& whats been wrong but more of my appearance to the outside world.

[Aunt Donna]

I wished you had a better relationship with your mother. Is there a counselor at school you can talk to? You can talk to us here at PC anytime. We are here to help you. I know the feeling of retreating to your room and leaving everyone alone. Sounds like me as a teenager. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about what was going on. I had a principal that was understanding and made sure I got the help I needed. He never gave up on me even when it seemed everyone else did except for my great-grandparents who were always there for me. Don't give up on hope.

[bluegirl...?]

(((( faylowell ))))

actually, im outta school now, so im stuck. at my home. with my parents. all summer long. >_<

i dont exactly open up to people. other than PC, only 2 people (kinda 3) know. one was because he admitted he did and i tried to help him but he was all "you have no idea" and blah blah, so i showed him my arm, but i dont talk to him anymore *for other reasons*. the 2nd is because i *had* told the first one, me and her were talking , and i told her how me& him tusted eachother and it kinda slipped why. and then the third would technically be my first, but she only knew under hypothetical terms; i wrote her a note asking what would you say if i cut? how would you react? would you tell? etc.

-all 3 of them, sometime within their life, had told me they had SI'ed awhile before i told them/it slipped out/ i asked questions-

Anyways, so i dont really go *too much* detail about myself in that kinda content and usually try to avoid it.. :P

Okay, bluegirl...?, how can we help? What do you want to talk about?

[bluegirl...?]

Eh, i dont know......

i feel so Ugh right now. i just want everyone to sympathize to me and give me hugs and tell me it will be okay. i want to be worried about and questioned and i want people to notice whats wrong, without me having to say anything. i want to be understood and to be told exactly whats going on with me and why i am the way i am.

im needing (more like wanting) alot right now, tat i know isnt achievable plus its very selfish..

i dont know what exactly you want me to say, Byz. i can be very talkative but i also dont really ever know what im supposed to say. (whats important? whats being asked? what do i want to be said? etc.)

(((((( bluegirl...?))))))

It sound like the first step is to find a good social network- perhaps google or bing search local networks for teens who need help with emotional and mental issues- in that you'll be able to find a better suport groups, whether it be good guidance counselors, or friends who can relate to what you're going through. Good luck!

I want there to be a change within me and outside of me. I want to be able to love and to *just be happy* with nothing to fret or worry about. I want to be free and just be able to relax for once in my life.

What do you want to change within and outside of you?

What are you worrying and fretting about?

Why cannot you relax?

[bluegirl...?]

internally, i want everything to be okay. i want be happy with life and not be so emotionally wrapped around drama. i want to *finally* except that everything DOES happen for a reason. i wanna to be fearless of getting help and speaking up.

externally, i want stuff like relationships, daily crap that bothers me, etc. i want people to stop belittling me and to just *go away*. i want my normal daily life to be changed so then i wont have to do <certain stuff>.

i ^constantly^ worry about scars showing or my parents finding out. even tho somewhere inside of me *wants* help, i still want these secrets to be mine and mine only. i worry that things will never change and i'll just be stuck forever. i worry of the future and where i'll be..

and i cannot relax with all this in my head plus other stuff..

That is a great synopsis, bluegirl...?. Now comes the "do" part. What can you do to make the life you envision more of a reality?

The first step is to break things down into more manageable parts. "First you write down your goal; your second job is to break down your goal into a series of steps, beginning with steps which are absurdly easy." ~Fitzhugh Dodson

Internally, you want everything to be okay, with less drama. Write out what is not okay. Pick one of the not-okays and work on a solution. Make sure you reward yourself for successes. There likely will be a lot of mini steps to take. Face what has to be done and knock them off the list.

Good luck.

(((bluegirl))))--he's saying take small steps towards what you want to be---
before we walk, we crawl---take it step by step.

Many have done it--you can do it too.

You are worth doing it for you.

Write it down--put it on paper-- go and do something else, then come back and reread what you wrote--- is all of it there? no?--then write the rest down---
Remember, everything you have written down belongs to you and you alone.

You want to feel again, don't you--you want to get the rage out, don't you?
You won't get it out by cutting---that's just not gonna make it---Been there- done it...nobody cared.
I care---I care---bluegirl--you will reach out to someone like you (there is no one who is really you)---as we are all trying to do--and you may be there for them---you may make a difference for them-----

Walk away from it again if it's too much.

Come back again tomorrow-- read it again---it's there. It's true.
You are True. You are. It Was.

Steps I have taken to find some Peace--small steps-- slow, and difficult--but the outcome is a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of being okay in your own skin, a feeling that you are okay with you!!!-------------I am with you in spirit--hugs-theo

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by bluegirl...?

Looking at a cup of water, there's the whole you're-an-optimist-if-you-think-it's-half-full and there'sthe whole you're-a-pessimest-if-you-see-it's-half-empty. -what am i when all i see is just water thats halfway in a cup, and dont think any more to it and move on to something else?

Umm... more interested in the something else than in the cup of water?

So, maybe I'm not numb, since thats without feeling, but I dont know what to describe me. bitter? upset? hopeless? pissed? confused? unsure? all of the above?

I think it would be more useful to just keep noticing what's there for you. When you're ready for a description, you'll almost certainly come up with one (or more) before we will. The trouble with descriptions is that you get distracted into arguing if the description is right or wrong and if it would be good or bad to be that way, and stop paying attention to you -- the one the description is supposed to fit or not.

So what do i do, because i really have no and im just so confused and i dont *want* to give up?

That could be part of your problem -- trying too hard. I get some of my best ideas after I give up.

[nomoretogive]

(((((HUGS))))) - It sounds as if you want a soft place to land no matter what you are thinking, no matter what you are feeling and no matter what you are doing. People who dont get it now (ie, your parents) wont ever get it but thats just because they cant.... okay, or they dont want to but it is what it is.

I find being here my soft place and I bet you are feeling better for being here, too. You dont need to look eye-to-eye with someone to have them understand. I am glad you found PC. It will be okay,

Thanks Fool Zero---I think I have written that to describe to some how I got out of chasing my tail. My best therapists were (I'd count 2 out of I have no idea how many any more) those that told me to "stop thinking"---just let it go and feel.

Stop intellectualizing the way I was, and feel the way I was.

I think I said that here somewhere--I am always wrong when I try to out think myself---Best outcomes come from just feeling my innate gut. There are times in one's life, when the "mind is a great thing to" not pay any attention to at all.

Going back to just laughing at silly things, being the kid I really am under all the years.
Just going out into nature and letting my feelings take over---

So often, it's the simplest remedies that are the best.--------
Just letting go---and letting it be what it is, or what it was---

Just let it be------------and it all comes together, like magic----thanks---theo

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/39129
http://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/creed.htm

[bluegirl...?]

thanks for all the responses; i really appreciate them

sorry its taken me a bit to get back to this...........

((( byz ))) -thanks for all your help and the ideas for what to do. also, thanks for sharing the websites. im very appreciative of this

((( theo ))) -thank you for all your words of kindness and sharing of your own kindness plus the advice. i really am thankful of you

((( nomoretogive ))) -thank you for the kindness you've posted, it really warmed my heart reading it. im greatful to hear your response

((( fool zero ))) -thank you for your reply, parts were able to get a chuckle out of me, which im glad for, and for you opening my eyes. im very happy to have read your post