[thunderbear]

I had the worst week. My best friend passed away and put my anxiety level at the worst it's been since my mom died. We were in the Wal-Mart Saturday night and I had a panic attack. The worst one yet. I could'nt breathe and my chest hurt. I just shook and shook. I could not find my husband he was in the video game isle. I felt crazy. And now, my husband said he is'nt going to take me to the county fair this weekend because of my panic attacks because he does'nt want to deal with them. I feel like such a burden. My son really wants to go and so do I but because of my panic attacks my husband won't take us. My son has never been to a fair before. I just want to go somewhere this weekend and my husband is embarrassed and frustrated by my panic disorder. I just feel so stupid. And then my cousin's boyfriend got drunk the weekend before last when she was having a cookout and playing cornhole and ladderball. Well he got up in my face and told me could break both of my legs and he as gonna knock my teeth out all because he thought I was talking to my cousin about her ex. Anyway, I called her Saturday to let her know my phone got knocked out by storms that morning and she said "Hold on" and she put him on the phone with me. I told him I would rather not talk to him to put her back on and so he did. Well we hung up. Then Monday I called her to see if I could ride over and get my CD I left over there and she started cussing me. I guess he told her I cussed him out on the phone Saturday. She told me I have to like him and he was drunk and he was'nt responsable for his actions toward me that night. I told her yes he was responsable for raising his fist at me and threatening me and I could choose whether I wanted to be his friend or not and I choose not to. That made her even madder and she started cussing and screaming I could'nt understand half of what she was saying. Then she hung up. Well the way I see it, if she don't know why I refuse to put myself around him then she don't know me at all and she is'nt who I thought she was. All of this is just too much. I can't go anywhere because my husband won't take me because of my panic attacks. The only person I trust is dead. My cousin hates me because I don't like her boyfriend. I swear does it ever end? I can't deal with all of these people. I think I'm going to just leave. Move away from all of this stupidity.

[eskielover]

I think I'm going to just leave. Move away from all of this stupidity.

Sometimes it's the best thing we can do for ourselves is to just leave everything & start over, but it depends on if all your problems are from that stupidity & not from other things from the past. I found that I can't run away from some things, but it was the best thing I ever did was to move 2200 miles away from my husband. I had no family & my daughter had already moved away (1/2 the distance between us).

Much of my problems came from being married to my husband (he wasn't physically abusive but just had no idea of how to take care of a family when it was all his responsibility). I couldn't live with someone I didn't trust to take care of me financially when I wasn't able...now I just have to force myself to take care of everything & it's a lot less stressful than living with someone I kept trying to trust.

You really don't need to deal with all that crap as it seems that is all that everyone is piling onto you.

Guess the question would be???? What are the causes of your panic attacks & how would you handle your panic attacks when you live alone with no one around you when they hit?

I have had times when depersonalization hit me when I was out shopping......I was able to pay for my groceries & head home.....it got better at quickly, so it wasn't anything that hit for a long period of time, but it was scary. For me living alone with 6 dogs & a house with things that break means that I have to take care of everything, so it forces me at times to be more functional than I would be when I was living with my husband & could allow myself to not function because I thought that he would take care of things. It's more pressure at times, but it feels so much better to be alone. One must weigh out all the pro's & con's before doing it however to make sure your decision is really the best one for your situation.

I do not know the answer, thunder. Life can be so hard at times.

Will keep you in my thoughts.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by eskielover

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Guess the question would be???? What are the causes of your panic attacks & how would you handle your panic attacks when you live alone with no one around you when they hit?

I don't know what causes the panic attacks. I have had them since I was about 8 years old. I find now that I panic more often at being overwhelmed and not having control over things. But I can also be sitting in my chair totally relaxed and have a panic attack. You were talking about depersonalization. I have that too. It scares me. I don't like feeling like that. I first did that about 7 years ago. I was in the Kroger parking lot waiting on my husband to come out and just had a panic attack and everything around me seemed surreal. I felt surreal. I seen him walking to the truck and I gotout and started putting the bags in the back and he told me it was embarrassing. I told him something was happening to my brain that I needed the ER (I thought it was a stroke or something) and you know what he did? He just drove me up to the doors and left me there. Alone. And drove back home 17 miles away. If it had not been for my sister (who lives in Louisville it's agood 45 minutes away) I would have had to stay there all night because he said he would'nt come and get me.

[eskielover]

Maybe it would be something you could work with your T on about what is causing your panic attacks. The way you explain your husband, it doesn't sound like you would be that much worse off without him the way he just dumped you at the ER & refused to pick you up. He sure doesn't sound very supportive. The conference I went to for people who use the mental health system here around Lexington have a wonderful community & are very good at watching out for each other.....that is also part of that peer group that is being trained throughout the country.....so that those of us who have no one, or those who have non-supportive others will have others who will care when we need it.

The first time it really hit me bad was when I was staying in the hospital next to my Mother when she was dying of cancer. I had several months of feeling like I was watching myself in everything I did. I really didn't understand what I was feeling at the time. When it hit really bad was a few months later when I had gotten out of the hospital myself & was back at the ranch working with my horses. I was feeding the horses & someone was talking to me. I heard myself answer but had no idea what I was saying or if I was even answering what they were asking or talking about what was being talked about.......it was the strangest feeling....I just wanted to get home, but my husband wanted to stop at the grocery store. I was walking through the aisles just looking at everything & had no idea what I was doing there. I knew I was afraid of staying in the car alone, but didn't want to be anywhere that people could see me either.

It has hit me a couple of times here in KY. Each time was after a bad automobile accident in front of my farm. Even though the last accident wasn't the worst, it effected me the worst. I walked back into my house & sort of floated up the stairs......fell onto my air mattress & just fell asleep hoping the feeling would go away. The next morning I needed to get a birthday present for a friend & went into Kroeger's (strange we had the same feeling at the same place). I remember walking into the store, then couldn't figure out what I went in there for & I had that really eerie feeling like before & was afraid to say anything to anyone even at checkout. I ended up getting what I went in there for (thank heavens I remembered) but was so afraid of saying anything....just paid & rushed out to my truck & headed for home where I hid out until the feeling went away. I had talked to my pdoc about what had happened when I was in California & that was when he told me I was experiencing depersonalization & it happens when stress hits or a trigger from a past traumatic situation & that after going through a trauma, it seems to be more of a normal reaction. I know how scary it is both when being around my husband & being alone & it wasn't anything I couldn't handle alone. Many times I find that when a panic attack hits, I just go take a hot shower to relax & go to sleep to make the panic go away. I also have had much less panic attacks now that I live alone also......my husband would trigger my anger, which would end up in panic attacks also. I can't take any meds though for fear that they might knock me out or I might have a very bad side effect like so many of the other times......so for me, hot showers & sleep have been my answer. I don't like just driving somewhere for fear I would end up getting lost & not finding my way home.

None of my friends have dealt with any of my mental illness issues. I keep it pretty much unspoken about unless something comes up that seems to need a comment except for the one panic attack that my friend called me after it hit in the middle of the night to see if I was ok during the ice storm......she did get me through the early morning on that one. I have a huge dark hole from 1994 to about 2004 that even I don't remember much about, so never talk about it unless someone is dealing with someone who is dealing with suicide......then I will offer some advice or suggestions & let out a little information....but no one needs to know about that time since it's far in the past & I know I will not be haunted with it again now that I have made so many positive changes in my life.

It's not always that easy to make the break from being married. It took me 33 years (I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place...lol). But once I made the break, there is no way I could ever go back or go back to being married again. I love my life being alone & taking care of myself. It is the best thing I ever did for myself, but each person is different....sometimes we have to be pushed to our limit before we take any drastic action like leaving.......But that is a good thing because we need to try with our marriages before giving up on them.....I think we end up knowing when the right time to leave is as everything seems to just work out when it's the right thing to do.

I know you will put a lot of thought into how you are feeling & do the wise thing that is the best for you. Sometimes we really feel a huge hole after we loose someone very close to us & as we get through that grief, things may clear up a bit more for you also. Time & prayer will be a good indicator of the right thing for you to do for yourself.

[(JD)]

Isn't there some way you and your son can go to the fair without your husband? It seems to me, from your sharing, that your husband is involved in each of the incidents of your panic. I suspect if you and your son could go and spend just a short time and leave that you would both have fun! Can your husband take you and drop you off for a while?

I would hope that your T could explain some things to your husband, but from what you share, he doesn't sound like he even wants to understand. You do sound like he thinks you're a burden to him...but that might be your disorder talking. See if he'll go to the T and find out ways to help you. Goodness, he's in no danger if you have a panic attack!!! Why wouldn't he want to help you and understand?

How old is your son? Can he help you if you have a panic attack? You know, kids can be really rational at times, and a big help if they know what to do.

[thunderbear]

Thanks eskie. I tried the hot showers before. It does help with the depersonalization if the water is burning hot. Like right now, I'm sitting here so anxious I'm sick because my husband will be home in a few minutes. He's not mean or abusive, but he makes me nervous because I never do anything right according to him. I just don't know what else to do. i try so hard to be normal and like I used to be. But I can't and it's not good enough for him.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Isn't there some way you and your son can go to the fair without your husband? It seems to me, from your sharing, that your husband is involved in each of the incidents of your panic. I suspect if you and your son could go and spend just a short time and leave that you would both have fun! Can your husband take you and drop you off for a while?

I would hope that your T could explain some things to your husband, but from what you share, he doesn't sound like he even wants to understand. You do sound like he thinks you're a burden to him...but that might be your disorder talking. See if he'll go to the T and find out ways to help you. Goodness, he's in no danger if you have a panic attack!!! Why wouldn't he want to help you and understand?

How old is your son? Can he help you if you have a panic attack? You know, kids can be really rational at times, and a big help if they know what to do.

Yeah that's what I want to do. Go alone if my husband don't want to go. I tried to have him go to doc with me and he don't belive in psychiatrists and therapists because he thinks therapy is just telling you rproblems to a doctor. And i don't care if i'm a burden to him. If he feels that way then he can leave. I am getting to where I don't care what he or anyone thinks about me. I guess that's good? But he's embarrassed by my panic attacks. I think that's b.s. cause he don't have to go through them I do. How does he think having one in public makes me feel. I have told him that but he don't care he thinks I should be able to control them like a switch. He has even accused me of having panic attacks for attention. I wanted to smack him upside the head for that one. My son is 8 he is good at calming me. But he is starting to show signs of a panic disorder too.And my husband even gets short with him cause he has a fear of the dark and a fear of being alone at night. It's just a bunch of ignorance. I tried explaining to him about these things but he don't want to listen. I guess he will listen and try to understand if he don't want me to leave. I've had it ith all this. He has Crohn's and to him thats a "real" med problem. Mine is in my head.

[Rohag]

I'm sorry your close, trusted friend passed away, Thunderbear. My deepest condolences to you. With everything else going on, it may be difficult to grieve and recover. I hope you get that chance.

[eskielover]

Panic Attacks are more felt inside of us than anyone on the outside can see also. My panic attacks started when I ended up in a position in my career that I hated & couldn't get myself to go back to work after the first of the year in 1994 & then the Northridge earthquake hit & collapsed the freeway between where I lived & where I worked & work didn't care that it took me 6 hours to drive there & 6 hours home on top of forcing me to stay at work 9 hours because I had to take a lunch hour......geezzzz I had always been an engineer with flexible hours & this just flipped me out because it wasn't doing the technical work that I loved doing in the first place.......well anyway.......not sure which winter it was, but I decided to pack up my jeep with my ski equipment & drive from my southern California home to my time share condo in Jackson Hole Wyo. for some reason, my husband was working & couldn't get the time off for the vacation we always took & I needed to get away.......well, I didn't even get to the California/Nevada border when a panic attack hit. I pulled my car over to the side of the highway & couldn't breath. I had my valium, but didn't want to take as much as it would take to calm down my attack.......so I kept sitting there. A highway partolman drove up to see if I was ok.....said I wasn't but was hoping I could get it under control. He said that he would stop back by on his next round if I was still there......yep.....I was still there. Ended up moving my car to the off ramp & he drove me to the hotel on the border & had to call my husband to come get me on the weekend (it was Friday night when I had the attack). He wasn't too happy about that, but ended up loading his ski equipment & we drove to his parents house in Las Vegas & ended up going to a local ski area there for the weekend.....it helped getting out in nature. I realized it was such an overwhelming drive that I had taken on by myself & then all the work of dealing with the ski equipment & going skiing.......that I overloaded my brain before I ever got out of California.

Many times I get panic attacks when I have things to do that I don't know how to do or that are overwhelming to me to do.....but I also had a very strange panic attack when I met a friend at a political rally here in KY. We had a pot luck dinner & when I was sitting there listening, all of a sudden, the whole room started closing in on me & I felt like running away to escape the walls. I excused myself & walked outdoors. I ended up standing in the outside doorway listening to the rest of the speakers.....couldn't get myself to go back in without the panic attack taking me completely over.

Hopefully you & your son will be able to enjoy the fair together without your husband.....maybe the more you find yourself away from your husband, the less you will experience panic attacks (even though you said they started at the age of 8.....that wasn't from your husband). You have gone through a lot of things in your life & in your married life to him. It seems like maybe these things are adding up & creating more & more of the panic attacks & sometimes can be the person you are associating those stressful things with.....triggering worse panic attacks & seems like they are related to being around him even though it may be all the other things that have come altogether that are causing them. That one person can trigger the whole panic of other emotions that are going on. I know by the end of my living with my husband the his being the trigger became almost instant even though he wasn't the whole cause of the anxiety attacks.

It is sad when a relationship turns into a competition of illness in one mind rather than being able to accept that mental illness is just as much an illness as all the other illnesses & there are treatments that work & can make a difference.

Sometimes we have to stand up & draw the line......I did & that was when I ended up leaving because my husband had no intention of stepping over the line by making the necessary changes in his attitudes & his ways that had never been compatible. I was very glad that he didn't in many ways because I was so angry & sick of him, I don't think that any changes he made at that point would have been enough.

Ah, relationships......the challenge of life. Just hope you can start being able to live your life. Sounds like your son really needs some good support. Maybe before his panic attacks get bad, it might be a good thing for him to get some therapy to help him know that panic can be controlled when we are able to stop & think about our thoughts or at least know why we are feeling that way.

It's definitely NOT in your head, but it everything that is surrounding you at this point in time.

(((((( thunder ))))))

[beyond_blue]

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Originally Posted by thunderbear

..... Like right now, I'm sitting here so anxious I'm sick because my husband will be home in a few minutes. He's not mean or abusive, but he makes me nervous because I never do anything right according to him. I just don't know what else to do. i try so hard to be normal and like I used to be. But I can't and it's not good enough for him.

I question whether or not I should comment since I don't know you nor you me. But, like another poster mentioned, many of your panic attacks seem to happen around your husband. You mention he isn't mean or abusive, but it does sound like he is emotionally abusive.

Making you feel ashamed of your illness, making you feel less worthy of medical attention, telling you that you can't do anything right, not being emotionally supportive is emotional abuse. It is abuse.

I know you mentioned the panic attacks started when you were younger. Growing up were you made to feel like you weren't good enough? Perhaps this is something to talk to your T about?

It sounds like you are living in a state of intense anxiety. That's a horrible way to feel. I hope you are able to find some peace.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by beyond_blue

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.


I question whether or not I should comment since I don't know you nor you me. But, like another poster mentioned, many of your panic attacks seem to happen around your husband. You mention he isn't mean or abusive, but it does sound like he is emotionally abusive.

Making you feel ashamed of your illness, making you feel less worthy of medical attention, telling you that you can't do anything right, not being emotionally supportive is emotional abuse. It is abuse.

I know you mentioned the panic attacks started when you were younger. Growing up were you made to feel like you weren't good enough? Perhaps this is something to talk to your T about?

It sounds like you are living in a state of intense anxiety. That's a horrible way to feel. I hope you are able to find some peace.

Thanks beyond blue
I can see that he may be emotionaly abusive. Even if he don't mean to do it he does it. The reason for my panic attacks when i was little was I was physically abused. And my house caught on fire and I was trapped under my bed. Those two things caused the anxiety back then. But from the time I was 13 till I was 21 I was fine. Then my mom got sick and died. While she was in the Hospice, I would stay there constantly and everytime I cam ehome for some clothes or shower whatever, my husband would accuse me of cheating on him. He even called me the wh word. So mabye that's where all this anxiety now is coming from. i mean i'm no princess I've mabe mistakes but i have changed my ways he's the same ole him.

You have had to deal with a lot, thunder.