[wisewoman]

I want to write and share a lot of things that have been happening in my life. I know we have different beliefs but I would really like this thread to stay on the positive side of examining these issues. These are the hot topics in my life. As per usual the wise one is very long winded.

First of all my friends who are fundamentalist christians and who have 7 children now. I was laid up all of last week and could not stand sit, drive. I did not get to see the new baby who is today 9 days old. So yesterday on my way home from work with moderate pain I stopped and I found two oldest children distressed beyond belief. Little one was being rushed to a bigger hospital for ICU with unknown probs. Oldest were taking care of babies. They were scared and just plain upset because mom had shared something with them that was really her own terror and post partem stuff. Alas, they are pacing and on the phone trying to reach grandma. I stay for two hours reading to the little ones and loving on them. I then decide to go bring my groceries home and come back to stay with kids till grandma from out of state can be reached and get there. I stopped at town clerk's hous and told her that baby was very ill and that I did not think there was food in the house and that I was staying till grandma could come. She called their church.

I went home and fed the dogs and put perishables away and left note for family. I came back and within minutes people were coming out of the woodwork with food and love. One man who the 17 year old boy refers to as surrogate grandpa came and was able by his presence to calm this child by speaking of man things and just being there. I was touched. I did the mother things, read a million books and tucked in a lot of kids and then the 12, almost 13 year old little mother had a break down. She had been there with dad to deliver baby. Midwife came 15 minutes later. Also, I fed kids fresh fruit when I came home. They devoured. I do not think they get fresh foods.

Grandma came late and I filled her in and waited for her to call her daughter. Daughter is over a generation younger then I. Grandma is 10 years older then I. Baby was stable, I went home.

In the morning the 17 year old called me to fill me in and later in the morning I calle and found that baby was stabalized some. May exit ICU.

So I stopped on the way home and spent time with the kids and talked with the 12-almost 13 year old little mother. She is happy in her role and VERY VERY good.

Okay, so we talk about human overpopulation. Hmm, seems this family gives back what they get. I do not share their beliefs. But they live in a world that I share in which reaching out to your neighbors, friends, strangers, loving is most important.

We are a culture that disappoints me as we ignore eachother's needs and go off on our own ways and do not pay attention or reach out to eachother. It is the way we live in our world that matters.

My friend is dying. Worse and worse cancer but he keeps fighting. And I did not have the courage to go see him this week. My T tells me it's okay as I was trying to save energy for my self. I am feeling that I need to be there for him.

So the big question is how far are we willing to go for our fellow humans? Even animals? We are each going to have a different place. But I say that giving humans overtake the cost of taking humans. We can change the world.

Yeah yeah, I am being all fluffy. But I believe it and I wish we could all be loving and kind and giving of ourselves, It would make the world a better place.

So then there is this 86 year old who was beaten, molested and never nurtured. She is my client and I am dealing with really hard stuff. She is at the end of her life and needs to feel nurtured and protected. Can WE as a community finally give her some peace in her life? Can we hold her and nurture her? Can the end of her life be more at ease then up until now? It takes a community and I want so much to love her and take care of her and help her to for once in her life feel safety and love.

[shadowdancer]

(((((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))))))

i have been known to be jaded and cynical but your post really touched me. i too want to believe that we can come together and give to those around us as much if not more than we take. you did a very kind thing when you helped with that family and it reminds me of all the years i spent at my mother's home going with her to visit her sick friends and fellow church members at home or in the hospital. it is easy to get sidetracked with life and all it's gory details...but thank you for pointing out all the good stuff that humans can do... especially to those of us here who too often only received the bad. we all deserve love and compassion...from infants to 86 and beyond. i for one would like to be a part of changing the world for the better and am willing to do everything in my small power to see that it happens. thanks for your post, wisewoman. it gave me encouragement and made me smile to think of all those people extending their compassion towards one another.

((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))

-shadow

[(JD)]

That is the fellowship I am "used" to enjoying... but have isolated myself from for a few years... trying to get back to it...

WW you know, you can also contact that church for assistance with the elderly person you spoke of... Christian love and response is for everyone, not just our "own."

[misty]

You have done much for the family and if you can not give to your friend with cancer at this point it is ok. I believe God puts ppl in our lives when we need them. For the moment you can not be there and it is ok.
I could not be there for my sister that had breast cancer 5 years ago but she tells me of a lady who was able to be there for her at the time in the way that she needed. I wish it could have been me but at the time it was not possible.
Last week I was able to nurture my mother who is 80 with alzhiemers. I was able to put aside past at the time with help from sisters. I litterally had to hold and rock my mother as a child to reassure her she is safe. I never dreamed I would ever have to do that for her but it was possible and with sisters doing what they could in the way they could helped even more. So I say yes, 86 year old can be nurtured expecially in community of nurturing ppl.
Larks

[wisewoman]

Okay, so I am tearing up here after reading this stuff. Thanks for getting it and supporting it and for being people who are willing to stop for a neighbor, a stranger, a critter. Also I do appreciate the permission to not be there right now with my dying friend. My resources are low. Too low. My T and Doc are both speaking with me about boundaries and self care. Boundaries not in the traditional sense but to listening to my thoughts and feeling if I am speaking shoulds and have tos.

Baby came home. He is beautiful. A rough road to travel. Mom looks so tired. I gave everyone lovin and left quickly, of course not touching baby.

My friend whom I called last night gave me a bunch of fresh food and groceries for them and I delivered before doc's appoint at noon. She doesn't know these people, is also sending clothes for dad and son.

Her Rotary club is going to rob their gardens etc for fresh stuff.

I am so moved. I had a great time with babies last night. They are awesome kids.

Thank you for being here and HEARING my explorations. By the way, after doc's appoints for daughter and I, I stopped at local store on way back to work. A neighbor was there and had been going to buy food for the family. I told her that maybe we should wait and stretch it out a few days. How cool.

Perhaps the reason this is so significant is that I have felt isolated and uncared for so much of my life. Even with hubby's surgery and recovery we got ONE meal. We are who we are, kind, loving and willing to stop for a neighbor and part of me is wondering whu we don't have a support community like that.

[SS8282]

((((((((((ww))))))))) you are certainly a wonder. Your heart is very, VERY big.

I agree that we should help each other out, be good to one another and in so doing, make the world a better place to live.

Unfortunately, there are also a lot of selfish people, or people who are scared to step in.

Tonight in the news, there's a lot of rain and flooding in china. I saw on tv 2 people jump from the edge of a cliff to save a girl. The waves were at least 2 storeys high.

People who step in and help others are heroes in my book. Thank you for sharing. hugz.

[wisewoman]

Ahhh, my friend, if we lived closer together. Thank you. I do wish we would all reach out. I know I am being too fuzzy. But, I need to frame the positive right now and I do believe that the small things we do create an environment of love.

[Rapunzel]

You know what else? It's up to people like us to report the small (and large) acts of kindness. The news isn't generally interested in reporting on things like that because they are less exciting I guess, or they don't think that people will tune in, but people need to hear those things! We need to know that there are still people in the world who are selfless, and who care about their neighbors, and that good people are still more numerous than the ones out there doing hurtful things and getting all the publicity.

Wisewoman, thank-you for being who you are.

[jbug]

WW I am even more impressed with you. I knew you were a great person and this even more impresses it in my mind. I'm glad you were able to be there for these people. I think its ok for you not to be able to meet your other friend sometimes self care is hard enough we don't need to add to the bucket.

[wisewoman]

Well am I learning to self care. Need to focus on that one. Baby is great, normal today!!!!! Nursed. Thanks janniebug.

Rap, you are correct, we need to speak of the kindnesses not only to remind people that there is good in the world but to also motivate others to care.

well, WW, i knew you were a wonderful woman and this doesn't surprise me a bit! that you went out of your way, big time, to help these people, when they needed it most.....wow!! i'm sorry that folks didn't help you out when you needed it. i think it goes back to how they were reared. i was brought up to take food and do things for my neighbors. some of my friends weren't reared that way. and some people are just plain lazy and apathetic. who knows? what i know, is that you did a wonderful, wonderful thing! xoxo pat

[eskielover]

WW,

It is wonderful that you are there when you can be for your friends & also know when you need some self time so that you can be there later for others.

I know that I have always tried to be there for people I know & even those I don't, who I see need help...not taking into consideration what effect it may have on me (not always a healthy risk, but don't usually look at the risk until it is over).

I remember driving along a busy road at a lunch break from work. This older man was walking with groceries in his arms, stumbled & fell on the curb as he was crossing the street. There were many people around that just stood there & watched him. I stopped my car & went back to help him up, picked up his groceries (which were full of liquor bottles), & helped him to his appartment. I could smell some liquor on his breath but he needed help getting home. I went back to his appartment a few days later to check in on him & he didn't remember a thing.....at least he got home safe that time.

There was another time, very late at night when I was driving home from work, this guy was standing by his car that he had driven over the curb & damaged it somehow. It was dark, no street lights.....I stopped to see if I could do anything or if he had any help coming. He ended up needing a ride home & yes, he had a little too much to drink before landing his car over the curb. We chatted a little on the way home, but I helped him get home late at night from a street where few cars were on. I never even thought of any consequenses at the time I picked him up....guess that may be why I go ahead & do things....if I think about all the possibilities, I probably wouldn't do many of the things I do.

I also remember being there for the guy I dated in college just before I met my husband. Just after I got married, his father had a stroke & he needed someone to talk to that would support the amount of time & therapy he was giving to his father to help him recover. Later he got married & his first wife left him (I kinda know why because he is very controlling). He needed a shoulder to cry on & it was ok...he was always a good friend. He later got married again & they went to Las Vegas.....I took my flute & played their wedding music for them. Just after his son was born, he had a massive brain anurasim. They were just moving out of their appartment into a condo & there was so much work that needed to be taken care of & his wife wanted to be with him along with caring for their new born son. I took over cleaning everything & getting their condo set up to be moved into without any problem. We hadn't had communications for a few years except when his parents died & when my father died. I called him a couple of years ago & we planned on getting back together after the first of that year. I heard nothing & called only to find out that he was very sick again. They were wondering what was wrong & if the anurism was coming back. We stopped by to visit & found out that he had non-hodgkins lymphoma (initially thought it was stomach cancer). Before I knew it, he died. I spent quite a bit of time with his wife.....we had a lot to talk about along with the marriage situation....she needed so much support & now her son was in high school. It was great to see how many people from her church provided food & support too.

It was only 6 months after that when my Mother was dying of cancer & she was there to support me also. I never realized how important is was to have that kind of support.....I never had been the one needing it. I now know how much it means to have people there when you are going through a rough time & appreciate it so much.

The other night I wondered if I should be helpful. I came out of the store late at night.....a lady asked me for a ride to where she lived....I wondered why she was out alone that late at night & told me that the person that was going to pick her up had a migraine. After going through the problems with the RN that did the ID theft on my mother when she was dying, I have now stopped & started thinking about the possibilities that could happen to me if I do something.....but I ignored my brain & took her home anyway.....made sure she got into her appartment complex safely thinking that someone else could have harmed her on her way home if I hadn't taken her myself. I did sigh in relief that nothing happened to me now I am thinking more about the possibilities.

I called my Mothers cousin that I hadn't talked to since her funeral....who is also way up in years. He was very close to my Mother & came to see her just before she died. I wanted to keep in touch because my family is now very small & no one really close. He kept thanking me for taking his arm & walking him across the uneven wet grass at the cemetary for my Mothers funeral. He kept saying how nice it was that I took my time to take care of making sure he was ok. To be quite honest, I really don't remember it, but it is surprising how the little things we do are remembered & appreciated by others.

I think the saddest thing that happened when my Mother was dying was that I felt like I had to keep her boyfriend away from her because he was a neighbor of the RN that did all the damage to my Mother & I. All I wanted to do was protect her & myself from the RN & everyone was on my case about the fact that she needed him in her life at that point & how I was being mean & controlling to do what I did. Sometimes it comes down to us having to do what we think is best even though it causes some problems....need to weigh out the options.

There are times also where we need to take care of someone else even though it harms us & we need to throw self care out the window....I know I needed to be with my Mother & calm her down & answer questions when she needed to talk. Sometimes that is part of weighing our priorities. That decision landed me in the hospital for several months but was allowed to leave to take care of those things for my Mother that couldn't be done from the hospital. I was there even at the end even though it was 2 hours before she died.....I can't beat myself up because I wasn't there at the very last minute...I tried to be there when it counted. Sometimes we can only do our best & we need to realize that it is enough.

Hope I didn't sound like I was tooting my horn about helping people....no way meant that way, only as examples I have experienced. It really feels good when you can make a difference in someones life, when you can be there for them.....& I also am experiencing the appreciation I have for those who help me through the rough times I have been having. Help that is given without expecting something it return is probably the most wonderful, satisfying feeling I have experienced. It does give one the warm fuzzies.

Debbie

[wisewoman]

Hey Pat, thanks a bunch.

Debbie, You know what, I think I have forgotten to mention that hubby and I HAVE had 2 really good friends help us through hubbie's illness and these past few months. The husband is a mechanic and we drive OLD cars. He has fixed for nothing or little, we pay as we go. He takes us out on his boat, today my hubby "BROKE DOWN" in the town where I work. My friends were with their dad at radiation and came very late and he and my hubby traveled another 20 miles after the 15 they had already come to go fix the car. Well, simple, funny problem. The gas gauge is broken and he broke down at a stop and shop! They roled the car back and put gas in it and miracle of miracles, it started! It is my daughter's car so I think we will be keeping it full at all times. We laughed so hard when the boys got home and told us that!

The wife and I layed on my bed picking burs from my dogs and then changed the bed and layed down to talk.

I think that you were very kind to help people the way you have. I have to say that I am a little cautious now and I keep the door locked and the window down just a bit and ask people if they need my cell phone or I might call 911 when I see a breakdown on the highway. However, the 4 of us were out a few weeks ago and the truck ahead of us lost some big important clunky thing having to do with the drive shaft and my friend stops and hops out and fixes them up to get the last mile into town in 4 wheel drive.

It feels good to be helpful, and I am learning about balance and self care at the same time. I would not stop for a man, I would call the police to help. We do have to protect ourselves.

Happy day though because we stopped at the babie's house on the way home tonight as hubby came and got me at work as he had taken mine after daughter's broke down. We just feel good being with this family. They are good people with beautiful children who make us smile and feel good. They are a rich family indeed.

Thanks for the long post. I do get it. It is a theme in my life for some reason right now,- both sides.

One more. Hubby picked me up from a home visit in senior housing and I had some work errands I had to do so he came with me. We ended up seeing a friend whose mother died today at 1:30 and had a wonderful, meaningful visit. He had come to the building where my field office is and I was there late copying and doing last minute emergency stuff.

Also, being without a car today I bummed rides. A friend gave me a ride to one appoint and then the social worker from the first appoint gave me a ride to the second, stopping into my office first for me to get paperwork. She didn't have any clients for a while and I had gone in to do 2 client's special medicaid for medicaid waiver for them.
I was in a staff meeting till 12:30 and had my first visit at 1:00. It was a long day but I feel like I have done something.

[LadyDragus]

WW. it sounds like you are doing Gods work, .. I am very proud of you..

[MacD]

Wisewoman, thank you for this post. As I've gotten older (& hopefully wiser myself), one of the truths I've recognized is that not only is giving to others, nurturing and reaching out a good thing for them....it is very healing to me. When I'm involved in giving of myself, I'm truly happier....and I feel an inner peace that tells me that this is the right way to be....it's right in every respect. Thanks for the reminder and thanks for sharing....Grace