[possum220]

Sorry don't know where to put this one.

Am I alone in this? Even though I have never been big on touch, part of me is now trying to re-establish what was stolen through trauma.

I have been hugging others where safe and even had a massage yesterday. The massage was a huge step. My problem is.... I cant remember the actual physical touch. My brain just wont hold onto it. Am I alone in this?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Possum,

It's great that you have made such excellent progress that is really really good; you must feel exhillerated at the steps forward.

I wonder if this is similar to having the sense of touch taken away? I have because of a disorder, large tracts of skin with no hot or cold or any other sensation. And it is as if that part of me (along with others) has forgotten what it feels like to be touched.

Also with childbirth the pain is unique and probably the 2nd most intense pain I've ever felt, but the mind makes the mother "forget" the pain to reduce the trauma and so that she will not have a mental block toward having another child.

Maybe your situation is similar to that?

Rhiannon

[possum220]

Maybe..... I don't know. All I know is that I don't remember it. It certainly is a possibility though.

[Perna]

Hi, possum; what do you mean, "remember" the physical touch? When I'm touching this keyboard, for example, I don't consciously remember hugging my husband. I think it is like when we're sick and get well; we felt so bad when we were sick but once we're well we can only remember we felt bad, can't remember the bad feelings.

[possum220]

I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, so my friend thinks that I dissociate when touched.

I supposed why it happens doesn't really matter that much. I just wish it felt nice when I am touched rather than being numb.

[Perna]

Possum, have you tried initiating the touch and touching different people at different times in different ways?

[possum220]

I am trying to do that Perna. I need to find safe people. Prior to not feeling anything..... a hug or touch would send my body into spasms. Very painful. So much so that I have scared people.

So I have now made an agreement with my psychiatrist that we can have a hug at the start of our weekly session..... I really trust him. (Previously hugs from him were dangerous for me, in that my body would loose control and he would have to steer me back into my chair). Last time he forgot to do it at the very start and I had thought about it and I just couldn't do it all for the sake of a few minutes. I got scared.

Seeing some-one who does massages is a major leap forward for me. Even though cant remember her touch i do remember a couple of little neck spasms at the start. But when you are on the massage table and your head is stuck down a hole there wasn't a whole lot of room for movement so I took some deep breaths and got control back.

I can now extend a kiss on the cheek to friends on a good day. Its hard work though. I haven't always been like this but the introduction of trauma seems to have rewired my brain along a different path and I am trying to claw my way back.

Any suggestion Perna would be appreciated.

[notz]

Oh Possum! I give you all in cyber hugs in the world if you would have them.

I've only ever told spouse and pdoc about this and I don't know if it helps, or relates to you in any way.

I can't handle anyone or anything touching my breasts, except myself. If touch occurs, I have to "hold/cover" it/them to ground myself. In public or with lessor known people, it's tough to do, I protect my breasts both physically and mentally, keeping some torso distance between the hugger and me. I do better accepting from those who matter and with time and therapy.

I understand the why's since breasts were the first body part that was molested, that I can recall. It's as if they are either dead meat or highly, highly sensitive. I carry them around as constant reminders and when they are touched, it's very hard. Very, very hard.

For me, it seems that 'touch' sets off all the warning bells. "No, no, please don't touch me". For me, sensation becomes intensified or eventually my sensation gets turned off, so to speak, so I can cope. I applaud you for getting massages. I've tried 2 in my life and I couldn't do either one. Ran to the dressing room with the sheet wrapped around me!! What a sight!

I think it's wonderful you trust pdoc enough for hugs. I'm cautious about hugs, too. But the more I give and take them, the better I am. I've even arrived at a place where I am 'present' enough to enjoy the hug and to be aware of more concrete real-time things. Smells of people (almost always pleasant ), their comfort level with the hug, the view around me, the intensity of the hug, so on and so on.

I feel like I've talked too much about myself and not enough about you. But I hope it helps you anyway.

I would love to give you safe hugs Ms. Possum, you mean much to me!!

[Gently1]

Good work at having a massage. I am a massage therapist and even if your 'memory' of the treatment is missing, your body will remember and you will receive a benefit.

My best massage experience is when 1.5 hours hours goes by as if 10 minutes! It is deliberate dissociation on my part that only seems to happen with a skilled practitioner.

Even when treatments are focused and require activity, breath work, movement as in fascia work, those therapists have a term called 'fascial drift'. And they then gently bring you back to the work being done.

It is not unusual to not remember specific touch, but as you are trying to connect, then during the moment in the massage you find something that feels right or good, ask the therapist to repeat the action, that may help you remember and find what you are looking for.

Remember that massage is a practice that touches us all in different ways and the therapist will adjust so you are as comfortable as possible.
all the best
Gently1

[possum220]

I just wrote a really long response and lost it in cyber space.......

Rasum Frasum.

Dearest notz

I am so sorry that you suffer from horrid body memories. Touch is one of the 5 senses. (Amazingly I just realized that fact). It affects a great deal of the way we function. You give me hope when you say that after the work you have done, when you are cautious that you can be present in a hug and enjoy it.

So onwards we go sister.........

gently1

It was my first proper massage last week. The therapist that did it was very professional. Had heaps of towels.... which made me feel less exposed. She had a scented candle burning that was a nice aroma. What is fascia work? She was very professional and very kind.

Next Tuesday I go for a second massage and my body isn't going in blind this time. Good? Bad? Hopefully I can relax. It may take quite some time before I can feel it...... but it could be sooner rather than later. I suppose my brain will do what it needs to. Thanks for the hints.

[Gently1]

Hello possum,
Sorry about the delay in answering, hope your massage exceeded expectations!
Under the catagory of massage there are over 70 modalities- ( styles )
Myofascial is work specific to the connective tissue that keeps us together, lines muscle bundles, organs. This work often involves the client movement or breath work. Many examples on youtube.
The person I see works through my clothes. Another layer of comfort!
I was part of a massage mentor group, the group was 'into hugs' it took me a few years to receive and give hugs. Never to late to learn.

The best part of massage is that it is nurturing touch. Unconditional, so sometimes I go for specific work, or to meditate, or to relax, and if I had the money I would go just because it is a great maintence treatment for wellness.

Again possum220, all the best

Originally Posted by possum220

I just wrote a really long response and lost it in cyber space.......

Rasum Frasum.

Dearest notz

I am so sorry that you suffer from horrid body memories. Touch is one of the 5 senses. (Amazingly I just realized that fact). It affects a great deal of the way we function. You give me hope when you say that after the work you have done, when you are cautious that you can be present in a hug and enjoy it.

So onwards we go sister.........

gently1

It was my first proper massage last week. The therapist that did it was very professional. Had heaps of towels.... which made me feel less exposed. She had a scented candle burning that was a nice aroma. What is fascia work? She was very professional and very kind.

Next Tuesday I go for a second massage and my body isn't going in blind this time. Good? Bad? Hopefully I can relax. It may take quite some time before I can feel it...... but it could be sooner rather than later. I suppose my brain will do what it needs to. Thanks for the hints.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

There are those whose boundaries are more strict than others, and yet, there are those who seem as if they have no boundaries, at all(Which, btw, are truly the ones who need help... Lol).

Nonetheless, one cannot truly say he/she respect's a certain person, unless he/she respects the boundaries of that particular person, as well. Therefore, do not find fault in the boudaries you are comfortable living in, for they are obviously there for a reason. Even if the reason makes no sense to others.

Have a good one.