My ex - a rape survivor. need help...

Excellent and honest post Aran

Welcome to the forums

Thank you.
I run several online support groups myself and the only way I can help anyone is by being (sometimes brutally) honest about myself and my experiences.
It is only since founding my first group that I have learned so much about myself and sometimes my motives.

*hug*

Aran

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Aran said:
She knows that if others know that you are a good, caring person then they will never understand why she left you. She is trying to justify her actions in leaving you for another person whom everyone knows is abusive.

There's also another reason why she might have left. I am 52 years old, I was abused as a child and as a wife, I am now in my fourth marriage this time to a good, kind, caring man. (I'm finally learning from my mistakes)
Because the abuse had conditioned me into being the perpetual victim that was my role in life. I knew the boundaries, I knew the limits of the relationship. In a way, I was the one in control. I knew that I could leave at any time but I didn't. The reason for not leaving was that the unknown was too scary. In an abusive relationship I knew the dance steps, I knew the moves. I have never been able to live on my own only in a relationship, I tried it a few times but always went into another relationship after a short time.
I didn't know how to feel comfortable with just my own company.
I always, (consciously or unconsciously) chose either abusive men or 'needy' men. I was always in control that way.
I think that may one of Sarah's problems.

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Ummm... what can I say except you've hit the nail on the head! Sarah said as much to me! Her words were along the lines of " I was in relationships where I was controlling or being controlled". I asked whether I fit into the former... did she see me as someone SHE could control and she said "no". She did truly care for me and although I was towards the end quite the puppy dog to her whims, I certainly broke more ground than any other person had. Boy oh boy... I'm an inquisitive man by nature I would not settle for anything LESS than the truth. It was like getting blood from a stone. I learn't details of her past she hadn't confided in ANYONE. I felt I had some hatchet and was starting to hack away at all these habitual defences.

When we broke up funnily enough, we both acknowledged this. It was as if I had started to assist her in tapping away at all ths encrustation that had built up over the years...

But yes... Sarah's relationships weren't all awful, abuse encounters. But, it does seem when you take stock of her past she was engaged in two extremes.

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In a relationship where you are given the freedom to be yourself, you don't know what the hell to do with it. You don't know the rules or the steps.

There is also another reason for always going for abusive relationships. And please don't be offended by this, it is not personal, it has been researched and proven by many psychiatrist and psychologists.

When a person has lived in abusive relationships for a long time and they suddenly find 'mr or miss nice person', someone who respects them and tries to please them etc, they don't know what to do. Some 'victims' can find mr or miss nice person boring.

After an history of abusive relationships you become used ot the adrenaline rushes, yes, caused by fear etc, but your body can and does become addicted to the adrenaline. That is often why an abused person finds mr or miss nice person boring, or unexciting.

It is the fear of the unknown.

And don't forget we always think that we can change the abuser, that it will never happen again. Triumph of hope over experience.

I agree that it is time for you to move on. Try and remember the good times cos there must have been some and don't let this experience embitter you.
You have a lot to give someone, Sarah was not that person.
*hug*

Aran

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Thanks . I do have a hell of a lot to offer to someone ... so my friends keep drilling into my head! I'm in a lot better place now and it's no small thanks to the likes of shadowdancer, jmo531, SweetCrusader, SpazKatt and you, Aran. Shadowdancer especially for sticking in here throughout my constant rants, lol.

You have all given me hope. My life has been far from perfect and your insights have assisted me in other aspects of my life. As for overcoming my relationship with Sarah, you've all helped me to realize it is -- quite simply -- beyond my power to change her... which I guess applies across the board. I've needed all of your perspectives to help me deal with such inconsistent behavior but, as shadowdancer rightly said, her behavior must be viewed in LIGHT of her experiences. This doesn't excuse the pain she has caused me and others, it simply allows those willing to step out of their own personal and subjective pain to see the root causes behind her actions. Although I -- and others -- care, it cannot be my life's mission to put broken people back together again when they're not ready.

It's sad. It is a true tragedy. She has such great potential and such a wonderful power to contribute to this world. I intend to head to London in 6 months and join her brother there. Part of me still hopes I'll see her in a few years and be able to see a fully-realised Sarah. A Sarah unchained from her demons. A Sarah who is not locked in the state of being a perpetual victim. I hope.

But again, thank you. As much as I have confided in loved ones and friends in the "real world", I cannot emphasize enough everyone's contribution here. It has been utterly invaluable. You've helped save a man from succumbing to despair and hopelessness -- and boy I got close!

Thank you SO much. I know my problem may be one amongst many here but may your contributions stand as a testament to the worth and support this forum provides.

Cheers and all the best.

Callan.

((((((((((((CMFox))))))))))))))

have a great trip in London. Sarah had no idea how lucky she really was, i know there are a lot of us here that wish we had someone willing to try and understand why we do what we do. or maybe that's just me

please take care of yourself and i wish you all the best that life has to offer. you deserve it.


shadow

CMFOX
I am a new member here as well.
I want to add to this wonderful group's warm wishes toward you. I wish you the best outcome in this situation whatever that might be. I can only suggest trying to maintain contact with Sarah as a friend and emphazing that she will always hold a place in your heart. It is very hard becoming attached to someone who needs therapy and if that person isn't ready even the mention of it can cause friction. Stay strong and do not endanger your well being. Hopefully she will get help with her unresolved issues and perhaps she what a good man you are and that she does not need to be abused to be loved.


Danielle V.

Thanks shadowdancer. I have no doubt I'll love London.

Hi DanielleVyas... thanks for your kind words.

I've emphasised my "position" to her, being that me and my friendship are always going to be available. As for mantaining contact... don't think that would be wise. I was pushing it with the letter. The few times we have "engaged" in contact post-break up has ended with her being hostile. Is she justified in said hostility? No. I understand why though in an objective light (as difficult as that may be to mantain at times), which only reinforces and confirms for me she is NOT a healthy, stable individual.

If I tried calling her, for example, I would be accused of further "harrassment". I could have gotten VERY angry with her and those feelings of anger still linger still. I'm going to have to be the bigger person here, though. The only time me and Sarah will have a friendship is when she's ready -- which would mean confronting a lot, and that's her journey - not mine.

But I sent the friendship stone and said my piece - which has been the final piece said in this whole saga. I am satisfied with it because this has concluded (for now anyway) with a positive and open-handed gesture instead of some ridiculous text from her saying "STOP HARRASSING ME".

And although it might be egotistical but I am proud in myself for being able to make this "stand". I know others who would have succumbed to rage and bitterness. I do at times question whether I'm being TOO understanding. But I don't see it as a problem as long as I don't FORGET what has happened, or create a fantasy in my head where Sarah is something she isn't.

I know you will be just fine Fox. I also question myself that I am too understanding of others especially those that hurt me but we can still emphathize with people and take our stand. Well combination of sound heart and mind. We need to have the strength to feel strong emotions while maintaining clarity of mind to make the most logical and safe decisions possible.

You have the right to feel angry, and paradoxically you can feel understanding at the same time. What a range of emotions are available to us, confusing and conflicting at times but wonderful nonetheless.

Danielle V.