[Ygrec23]

At least once a week, here on PC, I read threads started by someone who has a really awful problem to which I have no potential answer, no suggestions, and which are so bad I can think of no encouraging remarks. Reading them gets me so flummoxed and makes me feel so helpless that I just want to disappear. The posts are detailed, they're entirely credible, they're obviously sincere. But nothing in my own experience allows me to offer any help at all. It's a really, really bad feeling and other people may have it as well. For those of you familiar with the writer Nathanael West, it could be called the Miss Lonelyhearts Syndrome. It happens over and over, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do or say. Usually, I just remain silent and let others do the job. But I'd prefer not to. Do any of you out there, just members or professional members, have any suggestions? Professionals probably face this problem over and over. What do you folks say? I'd love to know. Take care.

[Lilleth]

Sometimes there is just nothing you can say to help or advise, you read and you feel but there is no answer that could bring any comfort or resulution. Even if you have experienced or are going through similiar you havent got an answer for yourself so how can you give any advice or guidance.

[billieJ]

Sometimes inspiration hits, if someone has a problem similar to one u have been thru. Then u might offer a suggestion. Otherwise, sympathy is good, when u can't offer empathy. Just saying "I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am a friend. PM me if you want to" can help. I feel the same way you do many times. Other times I feel an answer and can offer one. Keep reading and loving PC'ers in your heart. billieJ

[sunrise]

I might say something simple like, "sorry things are so hard right now" and then give a few hugs.

I go through times when it's hard to respond even that simply--I read the posts and they seem overwhelming to me and I am not up to responding. So others here carry the weight. There are a lot of us here. On another day, I may be better able to respond.

I have read Miss Lonelyhearts. First time was in high school. I really liked it (read Day of the Locust too). I read it a while later too. And then fast forward to just a few years ago, when my daughter was reading it for school. I thought oh I will read this again. I tried, but I couldn't even get halfway through. It was way too overwhelming and hopeless. I just couldn't handle it anymore. As I've aged, I have less of a thick skin, perhaps. I'm not sure.

[Lilleth]

You know what frightens me most is that as I have gotten older and having to live with these feelings is that there is no end to it. I am in my 50s and its never ending. I want some peace in my life days that I can feel ok but they are less and less now and I am not young anymore before I could say to myself its only a phase you will come out of it but those ok days are less in fact have not had any this last year. I went to see T yesterday my 2nd session but all I could see her doing was looking at the clock. I dont know what I will get from it because even while I am down its like while I am trying to express myself the logical part of me is telling me. that its the way I think and feel that makes me feel like I do so how do I deal with that. This site is good because you get to hear how others are dealing with stuff. But its also scary its a life time things. Depression doesnt go away we all try to deal with it as best we could but it still overwelms us. What to do I have no answer all I know is I am tired and worn out emotionally and sick of crying. I am sorryfor venting all this here but this morning I feel dreadful I feel worn down and tired I'd like to just go back to bed I am so cold but I have to go to work. And most of all I am sick of bursting into tears all the time. If anyone has a solution let me know.

[sugahorse1]

It's heart-warming to hear how much you care for this person. I often don't know what to say to people. I offer a few hugs and some sympathy. And the option for them to PM me. As long as I'm half-stable myself, I will be an open ear or a shoulder for them.
Don't feel guilty if there's nothing you can do for this person. Maybe suggest that professional intervention is necessary.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I go through times when it's hard to respond even that simply--I read the posts and they seem overwhelming to me and I am not up to responding. So others here carry the weight. There are a lot of us here. On another day, I may be better able to respond.

Yes. It's like that for me too. Some days are different from other days.

I have read Miss Lonelyhearts. First time was in high school. I really liked it (read Day of the Locust too). I read it a while later too. And then fast forward to just a few years ago, when my daughter was reading it for school. I thought oh I will read this again. I tried, but I couldn't even get halfway through. It was way too overwhelming and hopeless. I just couldn't handle it anymore. As I've aged, I have less of a thick skin, perhaps. I'm not sure.

It's a very, very tough novel. No wonder he wrote it in the middle of the Great Depression!

Take care!

[Skully]

If it is something bad, I just say "wow"
If it is something good, I just say "cool"

[pegasus]

This can say more than words >>>>>>>>

[(JD)]

I think it's important to validate them in what they are feeling. While it isn't good to let our feelings run our lives, knowing what we are feeling is okay.

What a person might post might not be true, in the truest sense, but to believe that for them ( right now) it is true how they are feeling, whether their thinking is correct or not,and their posting allows us to validate that.

For many issues, it really doesn't matter what we think about what they are feeling but to acknowledge that we understand somewhat that they are suffering from something is important, imo.

Just like in session, many patients don't really want advice, they want to have their voices heard. They need someone to listen to them! They need someone to care enough to let them know that their needs are validated, and they're worth being heard (even if the actual "argument" they present is not accurate.)

Even some of those who write that they want advice might not really. They might need advice but are, as yet, unable to accept what they need to "do" to heal. So worrying about giving advice here really isn't what the site is about, from what I believe. It's about giving support.

I personally hope that everyone who reads a post would post something, even if, like Pegasus shows, it's "only" a . I know that isn't possible because so many read here that are not members, and therefore can't post.

For many here, seeing a ton of reads and yet few posts can be depressing. (Though a good response here is about 10% of those who have read a thread.) But yet, no one need feel guilty about reading and not posting!

But that's why we do see members write, "I don't know what to say" or "I just wanted you to know I read your post" type responses. They know how it feels to not have many responses, and really do want to give support, like you ygrec.

BTW, I tend to PM or leave a visitor message for posts I've read, rather than on the board which bogs down admin reading.

It feels good to be heard!

[madisgram]

sometimes only acknowledgement/validation to their post is the best one can do.
another thing i do is put myself in their shoes and respond as tho it was where i am. -empathy.
this is a safe place to practice communication about feelings often times. like i'm chatty cathy but others may be more reserve about responding. all different degrees here.
i notice you are opening up and posting threads that concern you. that is a good thing! you can offer us thoughts/suggestion/feelings and we can do the same for you in this pc safe place.

[thine_self_untrue]

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! jk
A hug says a lot. Also admitting that you don't know what to say, but that you want to help shows that you care.

[Ygrec23]

Well, I've read over your kind replies at length, several times. You've given me some very, very good suggestions and ideas. In the future, I won't be as disarmed and unable to make up some kind of message. All I want to do is help, particularly those poor souls whose plight completely blows me away. Thank you. Thank you all very much.

[hayward]

I know this has been said, and said better by others, but it is worth repeating.
In my opinion, validation is everything. And I am not exaggerating.

People need to feel listened to and reassured that their feelings are their own- they are neither right or wrong. The need for acceptance and belonging are the basis for healing. Validation helps get the "walls" down right away; it is much easier for a person to hear and accept help when they can tell that they are not being judged.