[xcrossmyheartx]

I know i've posted alot on here but im starting to fear myself and who i am...im scared to show certain people like my current significant other and i dont understand i know theres nothing really wrong with me but i feel horrible...please help

[JulieBean]

actually, steph... u haven't posted a lot in here... (you with 8 posts... me with over 80, and people like Zenobia with a thousand or more?) lol, so don't mention it... Now, i dunno if u want me to use my knowledge of info for advice or whatever, cuz u didn't put the info, but for others to give u advice, i would suggest giving a little more info, cuz there's not much to work with.

Its just that.... well.... your age difference isn't widely accepted... you need to understand that, no matter how you feel about him, how he feels about you, what the real situation is, it isn't going to be accepted, and thats something that you need to accept also... and no matter what, there is still the chance that you are being naive (its one of those deals where you absolutely know that wont happen to you... but it could, ya know... and sorry to say... like that diary book... i doubt she thought any of that would happen to her) BUT i know you're always at your house, and your parents are cautious about it too, so even if there was that chance that he isn't what you think he is... the chances of something happening like the book is slim to none. People don't know all the circumstances...... and given everything, there is nothing wrong with it because i believe he is sincere (and then again, i am always one to believe the best in people) no matter what you think or say... there is always a chance that he isn't being sincere, there is a chance for that in everyone. But other's unacceptance in it is nothing against you personally, and nothing you can control, but while you see just the sincerity and goodness of what you have with him, other's cannot see that... and other people's points of view are nothing you can control. And their point of view is COMPLETELY warranted. Any normal person would think twice about it. You cannot see that being in the position you are. I think im starting to be redundant, so i'll stop... with the info u gave, there isn't much other people can say about it... ya know? so i figured i'd respond. ttyl
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[xcrossmyheartx]

agreed but lately lack of self is there or not one minute...and i had one of those episodes last night like you had with the
typing....im scared...and i dont undestand where there coming from i feel scarred but i dont know why and i dont care if people are all accepting...and the lack of self isnt his fault...it something bubbling within me

[JulieBean]

hmmmm... lots of things goin through my head bout that one.... dont know what to tell ya.... cuz i dont know what those episodes are really from.... but... i dunno... im starting to think evan was right about sumthin.... like... if u never knew about that happening with me... would you have had one like that? things sometimes happen like that with me from other ppl doing things... like i had started cutting again during the school year after i had been told that someone else was doing it... it kinda reminded me of that option... but i dunno... sometime id like you to describe what the episode was like.... because with things like my complexes... some ppl have said that they've had them like mine... and when it came down to it... they weren't at all like mine... (because mine was like my little episode at our sleepover... except a lot more than that if u can believe it... and thats kinda how i feel about that little episode thingy...) All and all.... my advice... take a while to find who you are... its what i did a long time ago... probly like last summer... in everything, your style, your music, your ideas, your identity... find what is you and originally you and try not to be influenced by anything or anyone... when you can do that you will be stronger to get through what you have been going through.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[Zenobia]

Lack of identity is a tricky thing. I have tried to explain to other people and it is incomprehensible to them. It is always "everyone one has an identity, who you are is your identity". Well, that seems to make sense but it isn't always true.

I sometimes know who I am sometimes my inner self just floats waiting for someone to tell it who it should be. It is in those moments that life gets scary because I don't have a firm teather to the world. It is when all the mistakes I have made come and haunt me making me feel so bad, how could anyone want to know me and if nobody wants to know me then how am I going to get connected again?

How do I deal with it? I try to pay attention to my body. My sense of identity may not always be there but my body never leaves me...I may leave it but it is always there to come back too. I pay attention to the way it feels. Starting at the feet and working my way up. I put it into different situations that give it sensation...yes SI is one of them but I am trying to get away from that...like taking a hot shower then slowly lowering the heat and feeling my body adjust to it. Or running my hands through my hair, gently pulling it. Things like these helps bring be back to my body and in doing so back to myself.

I have been told to get hobbies and develop an identity through the things I do. It doesn't work for me...though running has become part of who I am, again it is a physical thing bringing my back to the world. Everything else is transitory, it comes and goes. I just have trouble remembering that they exist if I am not actively engaged with them.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[xcrossmyheartx]

i understand what ur saying and most of the time i can be like YUP this is me and be happy but when im depressed i can never find who i am and that hurts worse of all

[Zenobia]

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which came first the depression or the loss of the sense of self? This is one to ponder.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[JulieBean]

but here's the thing... you can be like "YUP this is who i am" and such when your not depressed... but that is the time in which you need to establish it more than just "Yup" ya know what i mean? strengthen yourself when your not in the state, so that once you are in the state, you can get yourself out more easily.... i guess that doesn't do much good for you now, since that is what your feeling now... but take some time... some time for just you... even isolate yourself for a bit if u need to... because to find yourself, the thing that we must get beyond is dependancy... because it is dependancy that shrouds us from who we are at those times. This is what i did last summer... and it worked unbelievebly well... so here's the advice, even though i'm probably being redundant... don't go online, don't talk to anyone, and go shopping... by yourself... look at the things that you wouldn't normally like, and analyze them, because sometimes it is in a standard we put ourselves in that keeps us from choosing those things that we tend to drift towards... steph, there's the thing, i noticed once when i was shopping with you that you were really interested in PacSun, but a shirt you had from there was called "preppy" or something like that... and then you seemed to not be as interested... it is things like that... little things... i know you are pretty set in your morals... there's the first thing... style identity, though only material, is more important than you might think. That is why i am on my quest for randomness because the things that are offered to us in malls and such are not as much ME as some of the things i have had idea's for and seen online. I am trying to break away from the standards i have set for myself and it is hard... but style is part of your identity, and if you can master the smaller things such as style, you can move on to what plagues you now. Ya know what i mean? It is the times in which you are unsure that you need to go back and make a complete overhaul of yourself... and i am saying this remembering the feeling that i had when i found myself. The feeling is quite liberating. I don't know what else to say... but there are a thousand things going through my mind when talking about all this... there are so many things you can do... just remind yourself of the things that you know, and you will find the rest of yourself in time. Good luck with that.
~Julie
(lol, steph, this is how i get my mind going when i come here and talk to ppl... its almost like i am talking to someone anonymous to me, and not steph, lol)

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[xcrossmyheartx]

my depression

[Zenobia]

If your depression come first then it would stand to reason that loss of identity is one of your symptoms of depression. That is a starting place. How long does your depression last? Is it a moodswing or has it been around awhile? It sounded like moodswings to me because you said most of the time you are fine and happy but then you swing down into the scary lost place. I have all sorts of advice for moodswings that I love giving because every time I give it I am more likely to be able to remember it when the time comes. Ha ha. I have a terrible time following my own advice.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[xcrossmyheartx]

well its 50/50 but what are ur advice tips? id love to hear

[xcrossmyheartx]

But i feel quite strengthened in the nondepressed state and yes i didnt like the shirt as much because it was preppy (and not black) i dont know self idenity sends me on a roller coaster..

[Peanut61]

This is an interesting topic... . :-)

[Zenobia]

Ok you asked for it. Carrie's full proof method of dealing with a moodswing.

First:
Always remember that it is a moodswing and will swing back the other way in just a matter of time. It may feel like it won't but it will. When the depressed mood brings feelings of identity loss all will be well soon enough. Just hang on.

Second:
Before a moodswing hits write down a list of things you like. Do this in a good mood so your list will be longer. Don't expect to do anything on list when you are depressed but read it as a way to remember that you do indeed have a life and an identity all your own. It is even better if you can actually do a few of the things on you list.

number three:
Do self nurturing things. Brush your hair, do your nails, spend time playing with make up (not just when you plan to go out but really play dress up), dye your hair or best of all have a special bottle of massage oil with mood elavating essential oils in it (My favorite is a rosemary/bergemot mix) to rub into your skin. These things help connect with your body and remind you that you are not really lost and floating but still in the real world. Ok, if you all don't disconnect as severely as I do at the very least it will feel good and smell good.

And that brings me to number 4:
Get lots of sleep and eat chocolate in moderate amounts. Chocolate is a mood elavater and just tastes good. MMMMM.

Yes my list is short, not at all complicated, but sometimes I forget these simple things and sit like a lump while my head swirls with all those thoughts until I hit a breaking point.

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[xcrossmyheartx]

great great tips...do they ever make you feel better? I hope ill try those very soon..can depression/moodswings/etc just be a hormone thing or is it just my head? please reply soon

[Zenobia]

Definately they can be a hormone thing. To determine that you must get a calender and every day mark down you moods. I did this when I thought I had a major case of PMS. You mark down your emotional state, happy, sad, angry etc. and you mark down your physical state, headache, cramps, body aches, fatigue etc. and you mark down your monthly cycle. You do this for 3 months. If you see a cycle, like everything is dandy until about halfway between periods and then things rapidly go down hill as you get closer to your time of month then you have PMS which you can get help for through your gynecologist. She will guide you on dietary changes and may even have you get on the pill or something. If it isn't a obvious cycle it probably is something else. I would advise you to get a good check up to make sure it isn't some sort of physical problem like thyroid or anything like that then seek a therapist.

As far as do those things help, definately YES! They really do when I remember to do them. The relief is almost immediate. I will still feel sad but the anxiety level within the sadness goes down dramatically making it easier for me to pull myself out of the depression. There is a measure of choice when you are depressed. You can choose to allow yourself to slip into the depression or you can choose to work on pulling yourself out. Either way you are depressed as all get out but when you choose to do something about it you gain a measure of hope. You are no longer the victim of depression but the conquerer and you can take full credit for beating it. Then every time it comes back you will feel more confident that you will beat it again.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[xcrossmyheartx]

i defintley believe a big part is hormones..like a wk-two before
that time of the month..i get very depressed..im starting to believe and also sleep affects if i am or if im not...

[Zenobia]

Then most definately get that calender. You gynecologist will ask you to do it anyway so that she will be able to dx the PMS. Might as well start now so you are half way done by the time you get in to see her. That way you will be closer to actually getting the relief you need.

Oh, and also, some diet changes that I can think of off the top of my head that will be suggested to you is:
Cut out all caffeine
Reduce the refined sugar intake
drink tons and tons of water (at least the 8 glasses a day)
take a B vitamin supliment
And of course get good rest. Sleep deprivation messes with all sorts of things.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[xcrossmyheartx]

well for one..i dont go the gynecologist yet..im only 14..im aways drinking caffinated products..always...i never get enough water or sleep...B vitamins..what are those normally
in? Thank you for all of your help so far!

[Zenobia]

You are young! The family doctor can help you just as well. Considering you age I would suggest that you talk to your mom and tell her what is going on. Tell her you ideas about what it might be. Get a good check up and discuss it with your family doctor. Do have difficulties talking about this stuff with your mom? Chances are she has noticed the emotional trouble you are having and will actually be relieved if you go and talk to her. We parents have a tendency to worry about our kids as we watch them struggle with the things we know they are struggling with. My daughter is 13 and I watch her struggling with her stuff. It breaks my heart to see her hurt so much. I try to tell her it will be ok, that time passes and things will get better but she just can't relate to the fact that I once had the exact same problems...well actually I hope she doesn't have the same problems I had since I was sexually abused when I was 12...Sigh. But she had to grow up with a borderline mom so the abuse wasn't the same but it was still there...anyway I digress.

As for B vitamins; they come in all sorts of foods. If you eat a large variety of foods and cut out the junk food you won't have problems with getting them. But here are some foods that are good:
Breads & grains: bagels, english muffins, pita bread, fortified cold cereals, fortified oatmeal
Fruits: cantaloupe, honeydew melons, bananas, prunes
Vegitables: corn, peas, boiled plantain, Dark green vegies like broccoli and spinach, cauliflower, cabbage
Meat: pretty much every meat as one type of b vitamin or other.
Also milk and a variety of nuts.

Be warned though that there are many different B vitamins and each come in different foods so it is important to eat at wide variety of foods. Of course that is the truth with all vitamins and minerals so eating a wide variety will help you in more ways then just the Bs. There are also vitamin supplements that are ok but the vitamins in food seem to have a better affect but if you can't get the food variety then the suppliment is good. But first talk to your doctor, there are also books about PMS. Plus remember that your brain is going through a ton of changes right now. In puberty the brain grows to like twice the size of an adults then as you use certain nueron pathways they get stronger and the pathways you don't use get removed. This construction project puts you life in a funky place because you have all these new pathways that your brain has to choose from and sometimes the brain sends things down odd pathways just to see how well that direction works. So be kind to yourself and realize that things will get better as time goes by. You are in a super cool part of life. I must strongly advise you not to use drugs or alcohol not just because they are illegal at your age but because it will make the whole brain growth thing get messed up. Healthy diet and lots of water.
good luck,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[xcrossmyheartx]

My mom knows some of the severity..my depression use to be worse before...and i kept it all in now when i tell her at times she thinks its for attention..ive mentioned therepy alot but things get mixed up and it never happens i figure i need to find a way to help myself...i need someone older to go to for advice and things (this is why im on here) i have trouble alot of times that i dont know if alot of my friends would understand.. im sorry of your past...i was never sexually abused but ive been physically and emotionally..so i can semi-relate...if you ever need someone to talk to, though im yougner im here

[xcrossmyheartx]

Can i have your email?

[Fuzzybear]

Great posts, Carrie