Value and perceptions ...

Do you think your value has much to do with what other people think of you, if they care about you, and for how long?

Take care,
Fuzzy

By value, do you mean how much other people need you or how much you help others?

If that is what you are asking, that is one of my biggest issues with life......and yes, I believe that I am of value if people need me to do things for them.

If I can't, then no one ever bothers with me, pushes me aside and generally ignores me - hence I feel abandoned and rejected.

If I do a good job at work and receive praise, then I feel like I have value as well.

It's not a good way to view yourself.

{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}

Great post to start

I used to think that way....if I kept everyone happy then I was valued more. If I disappointed them in anyway, then I was liked less.

Now I am at the point that I realize that it doesn't matter what people think of me. When I needed someone and they weren't there for me...that was the eye opener for me. It happened with family and friends. Now I know the difference.

If I like myself and know that what I am doing is to better myself then to heck with what everyone else thinks.

I am curious to see what everyone else thinks about this too Fuzzy. What about you? What are your thoughts hun?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Excellent question, Fuzzy. And I find that I need to give two answers.

First, I believe that everyone has value...every person is a unique and precious part of creation, and nothing anyone thinks about you can change that value.

But I will admit, if someone else has a low opinion of me, it makes me have a lower opinion of myself. And if someone criticizes me, it is very hard for me not to let that affect my sense of self-worth.

But I'm working on it!

Thanks again for the thought-provoking question, Fuzzy.
*hugs*
mj

Thanks for your replies, Mary Alice, Heather and mj

My thoughts are very similar to mj's. About the only difference is that if someone criticizes me harshly, I tend to feel angry as well as hurt
Not a very productive reply, I know. I would be interested to hear from some more of you ...

**Hugs**
Fuzzy

Hi Fuzz

As usual, when answering I've noticed a gap between what I think is right, and what I tend to do.

In the past when I had a teen mentality, peer approval was everything. The opinion that my "value" was short on the scale left scars I'm still working to undo.

This is another great question Fuzzy... where do you come up with them?

I'm beginning to change my perceptions of self-value. It really has little relationship to being "accepted" for me. I've learned that my scoring system for my self value has been off kilter, due in no small way of my misunderstanding of what self value is about for me now.

I could comfort myself that I did my best to be honest, that I tried to live with integrity, that I wanted to be generous, or that I made efforts to help others. I valued the golden rule and concerned myself with good karma.

What I realize now is that those ideas are someone elses idea of value. Certainly they are good examples to follow, but what is personal about them?

I've begun to see that I, as an individual, have a piece of the answer of the great riddle within me. My value is based on whether I have searched for it, and whether I choose to share it.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Dear Blonde Bear ,

Very interesting topic, you are a deep lady indeed. I agree with mj in that too much value on what others think of me. Having other people's opinions about you can be a good thing, whether positive or negative, provided negative opinions are given constructively. But some people get a kick out of hurting your feelings, especially when they know it's easy to do.

But in the end, it's really you that has to be happy with who and what you are. I think we all know deep inside whether what someone has said about us is true or not. We should be able to develop our own sense of self-worth, and be happy with that. I have people in my life who have stuck by me no matter what's happened, and others who have turned their backs at the first sign of turmoil. I can't control how either of those types of people feel, but I do know what types I want in my life.

I hope this makes some sense, it did as I was writing. But tomorrow it probably wont...

H&K,
bp

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

That is a really deep question. I've been trying to figure out what I really think, as opposed to the varying ideas from all the theorists I've been reading. They vary widely, BTW. Some emphasize social influence very highly, but others do say that individual conficence and self-worth matters more.

Okay, I say that our true value is infinite. That comes mostly from a religious point of view. Self-worth, on the other hand, is definitely influenced by social factors in my opinion. It feels good to be thought well of, and it hurts to be criticized. A child who grows up with abuse or who gets a lot of disapproval often has low self-esteem throughout life. However, some are able to overcome it and develop a healthy self-image anyway. Maybe they have had help from someone who gives them the approval they need, or maybe they have an ability to value themselves internally and not let the negative stuff hurt them so much.

Social influence is a factor, particularly early in life, but seeing the value in oneself and basing your self-esteem on internal factors is not only possible, it is healthier than depending on other people's opinions. This can be learned, and once it is learned it becomes harder for external negativity to have such a detrimental effect.
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

Thanks nowhere, bp, Rapunzel and ozzie for the great feedback, **Hugs**

Mary Alice,
Your comments really hit close to home with me on this one. My hypno-therapist and I were just discussing this yesterday, as a matter of fact, as we were looking into a possible cause for my recent return to serious depression.

My husband is gone for 2 weeks at a time as a truck driver. When he is gone--in fact the moment after he leaves to go back out on the road, I take to my bed for the rest of the day in a state of depression. I feel as if my entire life(I have always felt this way really I guess even when he was not driving truck)is put on hold until he comes home again. I am his wife and in being able to be his wife that somehow defines me and gives me value and purpose in my life.

My girls are all growing up and they do not need me as much as they once did---they are able to do many of the things I once did for them on their own. I honestly miss being their "mommy" even though I am still very much their mother. Being their "mommy" also gave value and defined me as a purpose.

So now with those "purposes" gone so to speak the depression is there again----I feel small and insignificant and almost non-existant because I have nothing to define my value and my worth as a person.

My therapist would like to know who "I" am---I thought I knew the answer to that--guess I don't. For 20+ years the things that I did for them defined me as wife and mother----wife and mother defined me as a human being and gave me value. Now I feel lost---like I said insignificant, without purpose and most of all without value.

Just my own personal musings here. Very thought provoking.

Take care and God bless Deanna

I am struggling with this at the moment.... ugh

Once upon a time, in college in the 70's, I took a sociology class in which we read about someone named Cooley. He developed something called The Looking Glass Theory. The idea was that we see ourselves reflected in how others behave towards us. The problem is that we are interpreting their behavior based on our BELIEFS, which may be inaccurate. For instance, if my boyfriend doesn't call me enough I may believe that he doesn't love me very much, I must not be very lovable, I devalue myself. In fact, he may not be a very chatty guy.

It seems that even if you base your own worth on others *opinions*, your are placing yourself beneath them, and giving up so much power and control. Such a lack of control would lead to (for me...) stress, worry, anxiety, depression....ya know? You darling bear, deserve SO much more than that (in my opinion...teehee).

Emmy's 5 cents. Big hugs sweet bear.

What other people think about me has little influence in my life.

Thanks Emmy!! Bearhugs!!!

Thank you again Emmy.... and I couldn't agree with you more

Happy Days and kisses
Bear

Good to see this back up, somehow I'd missed it the first go-round.

My true value never changes, as God loves me - pure and simple.

My perception of my value does change. There are actually times when I realize HEY! I made a difference! I'm coming to a place where I hope that realization stays with me.

I seem to take negative impressions "from" others (that I'm reflecting back onto myself?) as more important than the positive feedback I should be accepting! While I'm one for "fairness," I sure haven't offered myself that same balance in my perceptions of self!

Emily, your 5 cents is worth a billion dollars! Thank you for sharing!

Cheers!

Jan

yep this remains good stuff emsky. we just linked to this not long ago for a thread about people who feel unlovable or feel that other people have more power or some such thing.

we're so glad your input here helps so many to grasp this very important concept of the looking glass. you were able to make crystal clear what happens when one gives up power and control based on mistaken/distorted perceptions.

mirrors for everyone!