Not sure of my perceptions

I have been living with my boyfriend for about 7 years now, i guess we are in a common law marriage at this point.He has 2 beautiful granchildren who call me Nana and who love me as such.Of course I love them too.Their parents are meth addicts and the paternal grandma is raisig them... my bf's ex wife.we all get along very well, this isn't the problem.

The problem is that these kids are not being taught limits, rules, boundaries of any kind. The do not believe the word no applies to them. The boy is 3 and very beligerent, he hits, spits, screams, kicks, calls me bad names...

whatever it takes to resist what I might be trying to make him do. such as go to bed or not throw rocks in my house.
The little girl is only 20 months old but masking the same behavior.

These kids stay over night with us nearly every weekend and it is becoming more and more stressful for me and causing arguments between me and my Bf.Basically I am being abused in my own home by two very small children. And I am considered " the bad guy" because i tell them no.

I am being unreasonable.. or I don't think i am. .I was rasied by a sick-minded father who was a former marine and very strict. He demanded respect above all things and this is one lesson I have felt was a good one I could hang on to from everything he taught us.

My son is respectful of me. .he is 16 and I have raised him without a father. I cannot tolerate being slapped in the face by a 3 year old... or spit in the face.. or kicked. or called names..yet at the same time, I can't just stand by and let this kid break all my belongings because he wants to play with a slingshot in the house. I can't let him hit my dog.. kick my dog. because he has anger issues.. I feel like he has to have some kind of boundaries...

He climbs on the furniture like it as a jungle gym.. has brok,en the back of the couch jumping off of it.. hurt himself in the process... shouldn't we be making sure he isn't in danger of hurting himself or his baby sister? He hits her.. bites her. he has bitten me too.. I can't take it.

But my Bf says. they are just kids..ignore it..they scream and yell and fight and run all over. and jump on things...they are unruly.. wild children... I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to leave home when they come over just so I don't get upset over it..

Any advise? Are my perceptionson how to raise kids all wrong because of my father? I feel like I must be some mean old monster.this boy will even go to my bf to get that which i told him no to and he will stick his tongue out at me behind my bf's back when he gets it...it runs through me like fire when he does that.

I need to know what to do....help...

BALANCE is defiantly the word here for both your kids and these unruly grand-kids.... the grand-kids need to know and learn the word NO - I use it often and I do not think it damages their little minds.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Thanks... I am so unsure of my own thinking so much of the time that I really don't know what is right anymore....

I guess I needed at least one other person to give me an unbiased opinion. and you did just that!!

Peace...

what I have learned about raising children, is that the best way to approach them, is to make them WANT to do what you are asking them to. Hitting and kicking, don't sound like typical childhood needs to me, it sounds like a cry for help.

I think you've got a pretty full plate there, I wish you luck.

Cerah

Faith, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your partner is at fault for not creating boundaries and rules. As long as he encourages this behavior, you are going to lose here. I teach middle schoolers, and, let me tell you, these kids are headed for the Behavior Disorders classroom! Clearly, they are not getting the guidance and parenting they need. I"m also a grandmother to two 4 year old boys, and I have watched with admiration how my daughter and her husband set limits and are consistent with discipline and training. This is not hitting or corporal punishment, but using reasoning and time-out when they test the limits, which they WILL do!
What you have described is very upsetting behavior. Are you willing to let this continue if your partner turns a blind eye?!!! I don't know what to tell you. I think I'd be packing my bags!
Patty

yeah.. trust me.. i have felt like packing more than once.. but these kids only come over on weekends. and not every weekend...I put my foot down about that... we have such a wonderful relationship and this is the one thing we have trouble with.

He is much the same way with his son.. the drug addict.. the children's father.. my BF has been enabling him while trying to help him as much as possible.. good intentions and all that...

The biggest part of the problem here too is that they have no boundaries where they live.. everyone lets them do as they please.. I seem to be the only one willing to set some ground rules here and I am the one always in a power struggle with the 3 year old.

My oldest son was taught by his father that he didn't have to obey rules.. he didn't have to repsect authority. .and he has been in and out of jail since he was 12 year old.. finally now at 22 he is learning he was never entitled to do whatever he pleased...

I want the best for these kids... and I can't thank you all enough for sharing your thoughts...

Your perceptions sound just fine. I think your BF's need adjustment. If these kids don't learn self control and discipline at this age just when are they supposed to learn? When they hit school and their obnoxious behavior is so intolerable that no one can stand them and they are not welcome anywhere? Sorry if I sound harsh but this is one of my pet peeves. Children whose parents are so insecure that they want to be "Friends". The poor kids don't know how to get good attention so they are acting out all over. No one sets boundaries or limits and so they push and test constantly. Hitting your face, spitting and wrecking furniture? This is abuse! What happens when these children get bigger and are still hitting and spitting? If they haven't been shown respect how do they learn it.? I'd make it very clear if they can't behave in and respect your home they are not welcome. Why is your BF not stepping in when they hit you? Is there someone who can support and back you up the next time this happens? I hate to insult the animal world but what are they raising?
. If baby bear gets out of line Mama will give him a swat to get him back in line. Not beat in anger but firm guidance about what is unacceptable behavior and when its time to leave the nest old mama bird pushes them out into the world.She isn't still running around getting them worms they have to find their own. When kids have these boundaries they feel safer and get about the business of learning and growing in this world.It sounds too awful to live with even if it is only every other week. I'd be so stressed out.I worked with kids and they can be such a joy.I loved it as they were so much fun.How sad that these ones are not getting the right home environment. O.K. I'm off my soap box now. Good Luck

children must learn to respect adults! have your hubby/bf watch supernanny!!! he will see other kids behaving badly and realize the grandkids are like that!

Hey Bebop great idea I never even thought of that. That is a great show and really gets the messsage through.

You ever watch the show "The Nanny"? Totally blow you away in seeing "their life" on tv, but, the Nanny does a great job of breaking issues down and managing them. It would probably give you ideas, and do everybody good to watch adn discuss.
Hang in there, you got yer work cut out for you.

I don't know why I didn't think of the Nanny.. Bf definately needs to see that! I already gave the Dr.Phil quote.." overindulgance is the worst kind of child abuse".

Did I mention that these kids are being raised by their wealthy grandma?That only adds fuel to the fire... they are spoiled in that way too..

I agree 100% Froggie!!! And I am in love with your little frog.... I collect frogs.. not living ones , I only watch them.

Thanks you guys.. I feel better.. i am pretty much alone in this battle... the boy is going to daycare half a day and he has no friends. he hates going... seems like I shouldn't be the only person noticing whats happpening.

This child has so much anger too that it bothers me.. he hits other children twice his age just for not playing with him.. and I mean children at a public park.. he doesn't know them.

Its like my bf and his ex... the grandparents.. feel guilty that their own son is on drugs and unable to be a parent so they are trying to make it up to the kids...by letting them have everything.. even their own way.

And to answer your question Froggie.. He has seen me be slapped by the boy. .and he "talked" to the boy about it.... but no punishing. I already stopped babysitting them alone because of the way I was being treated.. I just can't tolerate it.

Thanks again!! Faith

Your welcome. Hope things get better for you soon.

What you describe I don't think is normal child behaviour, even for a 3 year old. I think this child needs therapy. I think he is in deep deep trouble if he continues this way,and his sister is too. He has suffered trauma I think, from being basically abandoned by his parents, and if they are meth addicts, it's possible he was affected by the meth in utero himself. I don't know about that... just guessing. I think this child needs help. Boundaries, yes, but he needs professional help in my opinion.

You perceptions are definately NOT wrong. Wouldn't it help if you sit down with your bf and explained to him exactly how you feel, that you can't live like this?
Kids definately need boundaries... they want to push boundaries and if there aren't any they will find a way to be "naughty".