[mrb020377]

i have been thinking. I have seen alot of posts about this site being supportive/non supportive etc. I have from the first day I joined here found this site to be very supportive towards me as far as my past history with abuse. I have made some very good friends here.

My thoughts, however are this..... why is it that sometimes it seems that all we support is the negative things in others lives. I just sometimes feel that when someone posts something about a new job or a new animal or anything positive... it doesnt get as much attention as the threads where everyone is trying to voice their opinon. I am sure that this may sound like I am beating a dead horse, but I am all support all the way around... not just the bad stuff people want to share with us.... but the absolute positive things too.....

anyways just my thoughts.....

[LadyDragus]

you are so correct..

I do not know why this is that way..

good post..

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm right behind you, Mel!!!! Same issue frustrates the crap out of me, too! I've when I make posts (note "I MAKE") sharing my good fortune, a happy day with my granddaughter, something I bought and get so few responses. I like to share the good times as well as give support where I can in the bad times. In my mind, I go back and forth trying to realize that some people just can't or won't put themselves in a different place. Some just aren't in a place in their journey where they can share in someone else's happiness or fun times. I'm sure that the support of good times gets read. "They" just don't have anything to say. It's sad and frustrating, too. Sure would be nice to see folks go out of their way just a tiny bit for THEIR own good, if not for the poster.

When I'm really down and having problems, I tend to keep it to myself since that's what I was taught when growing up. The way I've learned to cope is to find a fun thread (like yesterday's two! or go to Social Chat to distract me from my problems. Social Chat, either here on the board or in chat, is my personal "support chat." Maybe some people haven't thought of that as an alternative. For some, it may be "out of the box" thinking. To those, I'd like to give my whole hearted encouragement to give it a try! "It works for me!" hehehe

Some food for thought...

[jennie]

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mrb023077 said:
why is it that sometimes it seems that all we support is the negative things in others lives.

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i don't know. i know i've been guilty of that. most of the time, i just glance at subject lines and only certain ones catch my attention (either due to mood, laziness, or interest). i tend to miss details when i read because i have difficulties reading.

mrb . . . you have brought up a good point. i've noticed more positive threads in SOCIAL CHAT. question is, does everyone check that forum?

[ozzie]

A while back I had a few members complain to me about happy posts receiving too much attention while some folks who were hurting couldn't get enough attention.

It seems that there may be lots of views on this topic. My personal view is that we can share both the good and the bad things in our lives and hopefully get some support. I know it doesn't always work out that way but I wish it did.

[allthegirls6]

mrb023077,

Good point, well made and Im taking it on board

All the girls

[mrb020377]

ozzie, I guess I didnt think about it that way. I am not saying that we need to not support one just to support the other. I just think that sometimes when people post something positive and they 252 views and only 3 responses... it is discouraging to them. I guess that could be taken either way. I know i have posted somethings before that were very happy and very special to me and only had like 3 responses.... So it frustrated me for a while.

Not trying to step on anyones toes... just thinking out loud i guess

[(JD)]

I appreciate your thoughts.

I agree. While we know there's no limit to good wishes and support (meaning, just because I give support to one doesn't make my support bucket empty)... there does seem to be a limiting factor... When I'm really depressed, it's all I can do to just come in... I force myself to respond to those who are hurting, because that's good for them too! I may not even be able to go into the social chat forum... just not up to it. (one of the reasons it was pulled from the bus stop (two busses and one train) south of here so threads didn't end up in other forums .. hehehe and also why threads put in General are moved to here. We feel the ones in General are important to read because they have needed information? But social threads are more along the "fun" line, and those with limited resources, limited time, depression and other wise limiting factors, don't come in.

Those are just my thoughts.

[ozzie]

I sure understand about the frustration. I've had posts before too that didn't receive a lot of attention. Once I was taking a poll for my newsletter article and got very little response. Another time I was talking about my new carpet and the same thing happened. Maybe when we are depressed, it's hard to be happy for someone elses good fortune....I don't know.

I sure don't think you've stepped on anyone's toes.

[mrb020377]

i sure hope i didnt..... it wasnt my intentions at all..

[dexter]

I think that there are lots of possible reasons for this. Also very big, as Ozzie pointed out, that sometimes people say the opposite, which could be a different swing of the pendulum OR could be a different perception of the same situation.

I can tell you about my posting habits which may shed light on two possible explanations of the many that may exist.

First of all, I do try to post positive, supportive posts to good news. But also right now, I have a lot of very bad triggers and I am in a very bad place. My car being repossesed and my difficulty getting around is a huge trigger right now. And sometimes I find myself starting to post a positive message to a positive post and realize that it is becoming a negative post about how bad I feel. I try to keep these things out of positive threads and instead put them in my personal threads.

So that is why right now it is easy for me to post about someone's new job but difficult for me to post about someone's new car. I am always very happy about the good news (I do not have a tendency to get stuck in a "why me?" mode, luckily) but when I try to express that, the depression takes control of my fingers on my keyboard, so I back off.

The second thing is that I post (this goes for all posts) to things I can relate to. As you can imagine, just from sheer statistical mathematics there are a lot of threads I can "relate to" in the depression forum, but only a smaller percentage of things I can relate to out of the number of "good things" threads. I can relate to a new job, a new car, a new cat... but I can't relate to a new horse, or a new baby, or a wedding, or a trip somewhere. Which doesn't mean I can't or don't respond to these threads... just that I don't seek them out as enthusiastically. Those were probably bad examples, because a new baby or wedding is something worthy of a "Congratulations!" in any case. But there are other things not as large on the scale, things that are worth being happy and excited about, but that just don't grab my attention, if you know what I mean.

My posting style is also that I generally post when I have something to contribute. I almost always post a message, the only times I post nothing but a hug are when I feel that it is a significant contribution from someone who knows me or someone that says something I really empathize with. That is just me... I really appreciate long threads here with lots of simple replies... I think it is supportive and necessary in a community like this... it is simply not my personal style. Sometimes I wish otherwise but mostly I am happy with the way I am.

We do have to be aware of "perception" here. Many may think I am not friendly or that I am "cliquish" because I don't spread hugs more. I don't believe that is the case with me, I try to respond to everything I can relate to no matter who it is from. (I also enter threads based on subject line... I don't look at who posted the thread, just the topic). And people have different needs. So some people will do good with a long chain of replies and others simply need to post to get it "out there". At times when I am depressed and isolated like I am now, I have to say that for me, I do like the replies

So I guess I'm saying my replies are a combination of "what the person needs (in my view)" and "what I have to offer". We have such a large and varied membership here that if everyone does that, hopefully it will work out with most people getting their needs met. And others telling people when their needs are not met, and what their expectations are, which I always think is a great thing for the growth of this community AND for the growth of the person asking.

[(JD)]

more of my thoughts: the average on here is 10% of views are responses. (In other words, if the thread has 100 views, it probably has about 10 replies.) That's the average. I thought it might change when we grew so quickly, and with such a wide variety of members.. but it doesn't seem to be. Yes, there are still those threads that are viewed and don't elicit responses. sigh. And there are some that carry a higher response rate. Birthdays of longtime members nearly always go high on the ratio... even though that's considered a happy thread... it's like we eek out good wishes... we really do!

[dexter]

Looking at the numbers of views/responses can be a hard trap for us with depression. I fall into that too very often sometimes. I don't think any of my threads have ever gotten a little fire flame beside them

Sometimes when I am reading but can't concentrate I will read something, maybe even post, and then go back and back and back to check what I read or what I posted. Part of my OCD sometimes too. This will artificially drive the number of views way up. So maybe that thread was very meaningful to someone and they looked at it a lot of times, even if they didn't post. "Number of views" DOES NOT mean "Number of people who have seen it"... it could be two people looking at the post 125 times each because it moved them so much

But the numbers themselves often are a trigger when you are sensitive to it, and that doesn't necessarily go away by "logic". I try to remember the positive and supportive posts I get. Screw the numbers when they make me upset. It is quality, not quantity, and I have some good supportive friends here.

Someday some of them will light one of my threads on fire (just kidding! )

[mrb020377]

i guess i didnt think this over very good before opening my mouth. Maybe it is my own insecurities or even expectations that make me feel like we dont support the poisitive posts enough. i guess when i post something i want to share. i do it with too much enthusiasm and want everyone to feel that way too.

[dexter]

>>i guess i didnt think this over very good before opening my mouth.

On the contrary, these are very real thoughts and very real feelings that we all share at times. I think it is a great thing to bring up and a great thing to discuss because it effects a lot of people here (including myself) and is something often not mentioned.

Especially in the context of depression, where the depression itself can put things way out of perspective for us at times even when there is evidence to the contrary, which is often not the case. (The numbers do seem to reassure our most negative thoughts about this very often.)

I think it is important to bring this up, point out that in some cases it may be depression coloring our expectations, at other times it may just be that a post or series of posts does get passed over, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with us or with posting good things, sometimes it is just the nature of a large community.

<hr>

I realized in my original post I addressed one thing and ignored another... I addressed why if this happens, someone should try not to take it too personally or feel bad about themselves because of it...

But I did not address that fact that this topic should also encourage people from paying a bit more attention to the issue, maybe making a point of replying more often when they are able (I mentioned above reasons why at times some people may find it unsafe for themselves to post, but sometimes others are just shy or don't realize that their voice can make a difference).

So that is another good reason for bringing this up mrb. And for people who are just shy, maybe it can be a positive thing for them too to realize that they can make a difference by posting something simple.

[mrb020377]

thanks for making me feel better dexter... i was beginning to think my opening my mouth was a bad thing. like i said just my own insecurities...

[mrb020377]

frustrated is how i feel sometimes.....i am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way

[ozzie]

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frustrated is how i feel sometimes.....i am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way


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</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Your not alone in your frustration. (((((((((mrb)))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Mel, I posted in agreement with you, so that means I feel the same as you. Obviously, your post was so good that you receives some very good responses... meaning "Dexter." I admire him VERY much and takes what he says almost as Gospel.

Also, if you have something that's bothering you and you say nothing, how is it going to get better? If your post was a reflection of an insecurity, you got it out there in the open, found out that there are others that have the same insecurities and now you feel better, right? ...and so do others, like me! hehe

When you see the "view count" go up with no added responses? It's probably be coming back to read and re-read, ok? LOL No... honestly. I want to give more time to Dave's posts.

[h0kie]

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mrb023077 said:
frustrated is how i feel sometimes.....i am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way

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My mom always says to speak up because chances are there is someone else who shares your view. I know what you are saying, and agree.

[hereiam]

i think maybe the negative aspects receive more attention because people are drawn to subjects that interest them and/or they can relate to. plus, some people coming here come for the support and not general chit chat. note that i said some, not all. i cant speak for everyone but i know that i mostly come here for the support, and sometimes if im feeling better, ill engage in chit chat or post in a funnier/ligher mood type thread. other than that, i'm usually drawn to posts that relate what im feeling at the moment. or posts that interest me and i feel like i could post an informative post in.

[darkeyes]

I love hearing and supporting positive stuff here, as well.
It is heartwarming to share the joy of others, new babies,new jobs,new cars,changes for a "new life" some person may be making,beautiful weather,pets,plants,etc. just about anything, I also enjoy jokes,essays, and poems people share here too.
This is a good post, mrb023077. Not just here, but in the world, it seems we will always hear and see most attention on negatives, than positives, like when you read the news and such. I don't know why that is, i don't know if that is of human nature or what? It happens, maybe cause attention is most needed at the time, people feeling they want to help someone in need, going through a rough time as opposed to replying to happy posts, having a feeling the person is happy, they are okay, so their assistance may not be needed?
I have no idea, but personaly I love to share people's happiness when good things happen.
Thanks for this post.

DE

((((((((( mrb023077 )))))))))))))))

[darkeyes]

I understand, and not to minimize what you are saying, but I too have posted happy posts over time and got "zero" replys, it can be kind of dissapointing, but unfortunately it happens, I just hope that will not discourage members from posting happy things, cause we can all use some happy posts too, I know I love to see them.
Take care,
DE

[(JD)]

(((mbr)))) I was agreeing with you... er at least I meant to! lol

It's true about not taking the read/replied to numbers too seriously.... but I think it sure does feel like the good stuff is disregarded!

[mrb020377]

well guys thanks for making me feel better. I was being to feel as if i shouldnt have said anything. But that is part of me that I always second guess. I say something and then wish I hadnt... ha ha ha ha
I know that I let the little things bother me sometimes...

thanks for listening to me and thanks for responding... Also thanks for shining some light on why some people respond and others dont. I can understand why some dont... I have days where I dont respond to anyone... just because I am having one of those days...

Again..... thanks guys!((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))