Hey all. Just a follow up post re: my ex and abuse.

Hi all.

I feel compelled to post today. Everyone here has been instrumental in my coming to terms with Sarah (see this thread). In a nutshell, she was raped at 14 and has had a lot of trauma. I just wanted to say I'm doing a lot better... at least I think. I'm getting to a stage where I can see the situation as a whole as opposed to lots of fragmented pieces. I've also realised that the search for consistency and logic in her behavior was futile. It just increases my frustration when I try to make sense of it, which is partly why I'm posting again.

Now my life has been far from perfect. I've been able to draw upon my own experiences to make sense of some of her behavior. But I have never endured abuse in the same manner as Sarah has. I think I can only understand to a point without having experienced it myself.

In some ways, and by no means do I wish to offend but I only wish to be honest with myself... but a small part of me has at times thought "can it really be tied in so deeply with the abuse?" Almost as if it's an excuse. I mean, she is a conscious individual who, surely, is aware of her contridictory behavior. I know when dealing with subconscious elements of course, it gets a lot more complicated.

I'm not saying I think the "abuse" factor is overstated - not AT ALL. I simply don't have the same point of reference others do... which is why I'm here.

I suppose what I'm asking for is just how "affecting" abuse of the nature that Sarah suffered can be. Do such events truly reshape and warp your entire reality - especially in light of the fact she never got therapy?

I've also had a chance for further reflection and there is something else there I'm curious about. Every male I know of has got a "vibe" off Sarah - a sexual one. It's VERY difficult to put into words. When her and I worked together in a bar the attention she got was phenomenal. It wasn't as thought she was being provocative and flirtatious, but she gave "something" off in her behavior - and not just towards men. At my mother's birthday party a year ago she was slightly intoxicated, which was often a time another facet of sarah would emerge. She danced provocatively with the other girls making them very uncomfortable... I don't think it's a conscious choice on her part but it comes down to this - the sexual component.

Her behavior and her inconsistency with the nature of love leds me to believe that for her, love (romantic and platonic) and sex are hopelessly mixed up? Am I making any sense?

In the end, my question (I seem to have trouble wording it, lol) is how much of Sarah, as she is now, is lodged in those earlier experiences? I underestimated their influence when we were together but even now, I suspect I don't fully appreciate their power.

And again thanks. This forum is fantastic. I hope what I've said makes sense because, to be frank, I'm struggling to make sense of it myself.

Hi! Welcome to psychcentral. I'm sorry for the suffering in your life. When a human experiences a trauma where your life is endangered, or you sense it could be... something beyond your control... it CHANGES the chemicals in your brain and causes the brain to "misfile" the memory. It is a definite physical reaction... the sooner someone gets into treatment (thus the "debriefing tents" at trauma sites for the workers, and the military emphasis on group therapy of soldiers who experienced similar events?) the better and sooner the brain learns where to "file" the memory.

I'm not sure someone who hasn't experienced this can understand beyond "knowing" they won't fully understand it. . . and no one would want another to "know" in that respect.

IMO your idea of not worrying so much to understand it is good. Try to accept that "some things are just that way" and move on, accept that it happens ...the reactions and distorted thinking in your opinion that you see no "reason " for.... and continue. Consistent regard will give good support as work is done to adjust and move through therapy.

Again, welcome!

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I suppose what I'm asking for is just how "affecting" abuse of the nature that Sarah suffered can be. Do such events truly reshape and warp your entire reality - especially in light of the fact she never got therapy?

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in a word, yes. Even if you get therapy those type of events have completely altered how you view yourself, your world and the people in it. it is amazing how one event can take your entire view of reality and turn it upside-down. When it is something that she hasn't even begun to work through or deal with it is even worse. everything in life is seen through the filter of that abuse and it is MISERABLE.

it is in human nature to wonder if that's really all it is... or if in some way that's being used as an excuse... but it is NOT an excuse...it is a very justified reason.

one event forever altered Sarah's world. In one day the world became unsafe, the people (especially men) became untrustworthy and dangerous, and her views were altered to accomodate this new and very real threat that she might not have ever perceived had she not lived through this experience.

that view of reality is very much present but it is one many avoid looking at because they do not want to see their world in that light... unfortunately, Sarah didn't get that choice.

Sarah's behavior is pretty classic of abuse survivors. she has changed her view of herself to fit the way the world now appears to her...and she does that because it is easier to believe you are somehow 'bad' or 'tainted' than it is to believe that your world just spiraled completely out of your control and you have and had absolutely no influence on what happened. because, you see, if you didn't control it then you can't do anything about it and it can happen again. does that make sense?

Sarah has this 'sexual component' because that is probably part of how she has redefined herself. she sees people as wanting that and that alone from her. after all, to her way of thinking, she's not worth anything else. that is all her abusers wanted from her and so she has come to believe that's all she has to offer...and considering that men are even more suspect than women, well she thinks that's all they want, that's all they are looking for... and so she's played into that. without seeing herself that way and viewing her abuse in that light, she has to see that it wasn't her fault and that she had NO control... that is scarier than it sounds.

compare it to the US and 9/11... we were a nation that couldn't be defeated, invincible..... and then we were attacked and all of a sudden we all felt exposed, threatened, afraid. it changed how we saw our nation, our world, and each other... and that was all in one day.

Sarah's trauma wasn't nationwide... but it affected her 'inner nation' her Self. it was a direct assault on everything she was, everything she believed, everything she thought..... it was her own personal 9/11. and it is devastating.

she is surrounded by all of that rubble... and she is only left with a ton of 'whys' that are never going to be answered to any satisfaction and a view of reality that is set entirely in her abuse.

it may seem like she has lived since that day... in reality, though, her body has grown up but she is still that 14 year old girl inside trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong, where she messed up or didn't fit or what wasn't good/pretty/smart/whatever enough about her that meant she deserved this.

to look at it from the viewpoint of a healthy person who has never experienced that...well it may seem extreme, but i can tell you that once something like that happens it changes everything. like how having one baby can change an entire marriage...

nothing is the same anymore and all she is left with is "why?" can you imagine how unsatisfying that is? her pain and its ramifications go beyond the actual event. it is going to affect the rest of her life. it has changed her into a person she would NOT be had she not experienced it.

so in answer to how much of her is lodged in that part of her past: all of her. all of the person she used to be died that day and who she will become is still stuck there until she can get help to move through it.

i don't mean to sound all 'doom and gloom' but i hope what i've said makes sense. it is difficult to understand if you haven't been there yourself. i hope i'm helping. if you need anything clarified or have more questions, please do feel free to ask.


shadow

and (((((((((((((Sarah)))))))))))))) because she needs all she can get.

I'll post a more thorough response laters, but I just wanted to say thank you, shadowdancer. Your posts have been very insightful and have helped me on my journey incredibly.

There's a lot to digest there... but suffice to say it's helping me form a true picture of Sarah.

I don't think I mentioned it before but in regards to her desire to be celibate: I believe her words were along the lines of "born-again virgin". She wanted to start over, so to speak.

But what I've realised throughout this dialogue with you is she CAN'T, can she? After everything that's happened she can't simply restart with a clean slate... as MUCH as she wants to. What transpired between us on the breakup, sadly, was another example of her lurching towards something else... wanting relief and answers.

Thank you.

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_Sky said:
Hi! Welcome to psychcentral. I'm sorry for the suffering in your life. When a human experiences a trauma where your life is endangered, or you sense it could be... something beyond your control... it CHANGES the chemicals in your brain and causes the brain to "misfile" the memory. It is a definite physical reaction... the sooner someone gets into treatment (thus the "debriefing tents" at trauma sites for the workers, and the military emphasis on group therapy of soldiers who experienced similar events?) the better and sooner the brain learns where to "file" the memory.

I'm not sure someone who hasn't experienced this can understand beyond "knowing" they won't fully understand it. . . and no one would want another to "know" in that respect.

IMO your idea of not worrying so much to understand it is good. Try to accept that "some things are just that way" and move on, accept that it happens ...the reactions and distorted thinking in your opinion that you see no "reason " for.... and continue. Consistent regard will give good support as work is done to adjust and move through therapy.

Again, welcome!

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Hey. And thanks for posting.

I am curious out this misfiling concept. Does it mean the memory is repressed or altered in some way,or is it more a matter of how the memory alters the person?

As I've said she has avoided counselling and immediately after the event, she closed down completely. Does it get worse with time if not dealt with?