"The Thought"

I just wrote something down without thinking about it, just sorta let my hand move across the page to see what came out, and I wanted to share what i wrote, but first i need to give some background info...

I've been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now, and extreme depression. I have never seen a doctor because my financial situation is in the pitt, and (i assume) other psychological issues that arent really relevant. I had non stop panic attacks that I was going to hurt other people or that it was inevitable that one day i was going to crack and go crazy and do bad things. Because professional help was off the table, I turned to guided meditation and cognitive therapy, using the internet as a guide for both.

Today I stand before you mostly anxiety free, my panic attacks few and far between. It was with my anxiety diminished, however, that i realized that there is still something wrong inside my head. I cant figure out what it is, so in a desperate attempt to find out whats going on, I put my pen to paper and came up with this:

"There is a question, and I do not know what that question is. It feels like I have forgotten something very very important to me, that ties my essence together. I cannot continue with my life until I have this thing, until I answer this question. It burns in my mind non stop, always there. Food turns to ash in my mouth because I have not answered this question, emotions are dull or non existent because I have not answered this question. Activites in life mean absolutely nothing to me, I gain neither joy nor sorrow from anything I do, except when I contemplate the question. Relationships seem to mean nothing to me, I care little for family or friends and only try to socialize to help answer the question. I have absolutely no clue as to how to go about answering this question, nor how it even came to exist inside me. But there is something missing, and my only goal in life is to figure out whats going on with me.
I have no other thought in my mind that dosnt follow up with this emptiness, this hollow feeling, this, ****ing, question. WHAT ARE YOU? I’ve tried meditation, philosophy, psychology, religion, science, shouting, calming down, ect… Always when I stop and ask if I have answered the question, it remains there as resolute as breathing. I find myself obsessed with the question, and realize that I have forgotten what it is like to have more normal thoughts of love, finding a partner, bettering myself, learning and growing. I’ve seen that the things that matter to most people mean nothing to me, always it is the question driving 100 percent of me, and I still have no idea what the question is, what this empty void in my chest is."

I think i should also mention that I had a really bad drug experience, and i've been isolated from everyone i knew in high school. I'm not in contact with my dad, who i lived with my whole life, and all my friends have moved away or are married or whatever. I go to work, come home and sit in my room, all day, every day. I'm still coping with drug addictions, but I cant seem to stop doing them, and I cant seem to get myself to go out and make friends, or even care enough to change my life at all. I feel like i'm stuck in this place, trapped in my own body. It seems like the most simple thing, getting up and walking out the door and doing something, but I cant do it.

I dont know, really all I want is for someone to tell me if what i wrote down is happening to anyone else, or ANY thoughts on "the question" that seems to be driving me mad, this sense of extreme loss inside myself. It seems to be the only force thats keeping me sitting in my room, the one obstacle that I just cant wrap my head around, no matter what I do. Again, any thoughts are welcome, I can use any feedback i can get, thats not coming from my own brain.

I have had similar ideas/thoughts, when one is alone, inside one's own head for a long time one's imagination and subconscious (and any drug effects) can really do a number on one; it's a sort of sensory deprivation!

Call a friend, relative, anyone at all and get out of your room and into some sort of treatment plan for your drug problem and less isolated. "Feelings" may or may not have anything at all to do with reality, they're related to our thoughts/words and, right now, your head ain't working right. Get out and about and re-evaluate what you think later, when you are more balanced?

SUPER, do you feel you have lost something?

i know for me that alcohol and drug addiction affected me in many ways you described. when i got clean and sober many of the syptoms you described lessened or went away. before that i felt hollow, isolated, felt doom and gloom and often felt no feelings at all, numb. was unable to even cry. in my case i would have been unable to even hold a job.
at the same time i treated my addictions i also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder leaning towards clinical depression. this by no means means you have my diagnosis of mental illness but i do suggest you run your symptoms by a doctor. most communities have free/low pay clinics if you can't pay much.
i also feel that your getting clean would greatly help. i don't know your drug of choice but there's narcotics anonymous and AA for you if you choose to stop using. both are free support groups.
it's good that you've made an attempt to help yourself but often times we need other's help too. when i did, it changed my life!!!
hope you'll keep us posted and know that we care.

Thank you guys for the help and advice. The problem I feel is blocking me is apathy. I used to have a lot of friends in high school, and I came from a family of 12 people. My life never had a quiet moment and i loved it that way. All my old friends are LDS (religion) like I used to be, and when they turned 19 they all went away on missions, but I dont agree with some of the churches teachings, so i didnt go. I'm not in contact with my dad anymore, who I lived and grew up with, so I dont ever talk to my once big family, and i'm positive that my dad dosnt care about me anymore, he hasnt wanted to talk to me since the day i moved out.

This was all ok until I broke up with my high school girl friend, and now I have no one in my life, it's just so... quiet. The apathy that ensues is unbearable, I feel like doing nothing, fixing nothing, being nothing. I havent even done any drugs lately, but this feeling stays the same. I dont even care enough to find a free clinic or anything, I just feel like i've given up on life. And I understand, how can you help something that dosnt care enough to help itself? I dont see how anything anyone says to me will fix how I feel, In the end it'll have to be me that just goes out and does something despite how I feel, but right now... Right now I just need to rant and vent and feel as sorry for myself as I can. I dont know why, but it makes me feel a little better, not caring anymore.

Not caring and being "numb" in an apathy kind of way can feel relaxing and comforting sometimes until we get our mojo back :-) My therapist taught me that moods and emotions are like the weather, coming and going and changing and I used that to help me wait out situations and feelings I didn't like but didn't want to or know how to work on.

I'm glad you posted and are venting at least. Hope you get a little spark of interest in something that you can blow on and get a fire going for yourself soon!

SUPERupset, this is amazing writing. You described your feeling so well: what it feel like, how it stays tantalizingly out of reach, your long, single minded searching to uncover its meaning. I could feel it as I read. You have a real talent for writing! Your question does sound like either loss or else a tantalizing insight awakening in you but not quite graspable yet.

You posted this a while ago. Are you still feeling driven to find its meaning? To me it seems to cry out for the Gestalt Therapy two chair technique. This is very good at elucidating feelings like this which are purely non-verbal, which cannot be described with words, and which stubbornly refuse to give their meaning almost no matter what you do. It's often used to tease out the meaning of the elusive feelings and meanings which occur in dreams, in body sensations, and in feelings just like yours. (Gestalt Therapy is a major system of psychotherapy which originated in the 1940/50s.)

If you'd like me to point you to some videos which demonstrate the technique please let me know. (They are videos of Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, doing his stuff in a group therapy setting. Some of the things that happen in them are truely awesome!)

I can't believe how incredibly close this is to my own feelings. I actually got shivers. My sole agonizing question is: who am I? I was neglected a lot as a child and grew up in isolation. Now that I am older i have noticed I dont place value on relationships and emotions like my peers do. I feel empty and void beyond this one lingering tug of curiosity. Seeing that someone else feels similar is comforting. I'm sorry i cant offer any advice on your seeking though, seeing as how i cant answer my own.