[jennie]

According to McCullough et al. (1997) . . .

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Three changes in motivations are thought to occur when someone forgives an offender:

1. An increase in motivation to act in ways that benefit the offender or the relationship with the offender.

2. A decrease in motivation to take revenge on the offender.

3. A decrease in motivation to avoid the offender.

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[i]

After reading these motivations for forgiveness, I've decided I don't think forgiveness is appropriate for me, towards my offenders (parents).

I've tried thinking of other motivations to forgive. But, those three listed above just about covers everything.

poohey

[dexter]

My thoughts on this...

In some cases, working toward forgiveness is appropriate, if re-establishing the relationship would be beneficial to the hurt person. i.e. a friend does something hurtful... in the long run one may decide that the benefit of being friends with that person is so great that it is worthwhile to forgive that person of the incident.

But in some cases, forgiveness isn't about the relationship at all, it is about the hurt person being able to move on with their life. And in those cases, "forgiveness" isn't always the best route, it might just be "closure" or trying to "forget but not forgive" (and by "forget" I mean no longer be obsessed with the hurtful behavior... I wouldn't expect one to ever truly forget).

So in that sense, I think point number 2 on the list is relevant... because wanting revenge on the offender is will take a lot of one's own energy, and it is a negative energy. If one can find a way to move past it (and I mean a theraputical way to achieve closure... not just "pretending it never happened") then one can be set free of the bad aspects of that anger and begin to rebuild a healthier life for themselves. But like I said, that doesn't necessarily involve "forgiveness", just some method of moving past the event.

[jennie]

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dexter said:
But like I said, that doesn't necessarily involve "forgiveness", just some method of moving past the event.

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dexter . . . if the event(s) resulted in PTSD in the injured person, then can avoidance of past reminders (of traumatic event) be considered as closure or a "method of moving past the event?" this is probably another issue for another thread.

[CMFox]

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dexter said:
But in some cases, forgiveness isn't about the relationship at all, it is about the hurt person being able to move on with their life. And in those cases, "forgiveness" isn't always the best route, it might just be "closure" or trying to "forget but not forgive" (and by "forget" I mean no longer be obsessed with the hurtful behavior... I wouldn't expect one to ever truly forget).

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Agreed 100%.

If someone is truly deserving of forgiveness - as in they have made amends and efforts to acknowledge their wrongdoings, then I can forgive.I cannot forgive thinking it'll simply make ME feel better. I agree with dexter on point no.2. It's about the past hurt and pain no longer being as "relevant" in your life. Suppressing the past would be an awful idea.

[dexter]

>>can avoidance of past reminders (of traumatic event) be considered as closure or a "method of moving past the event?

I really don't know enough about how other people experience such extreme trauma to be able to comment on that. I do think it is an important issue... at the very least something that should be brought up in therapy.

I can say in more general terms that, like almost all things, the "correct" solution is neither this nor that but rather a balance. For example, speaking of triggers in a more general sense, I think it is important for anyone with mental illness to first be able to IDENTIFY the things that trigger them. Then find solutions as to what to do about them. Suppose for example someone has an alcohol addiction. They may be triggered by going into bars or by hanging out with unhealthy friends who encourage drinking. In those cases the solution might be to avoid triggers... stay away from bars, stay away from unhealthy friends... but there will always be triggers that we cannot avoid... maybe attending a friends wedding where other people will be drinking, a close friend where not attending the wedding would not be acceptable. In those cases we need to develop other skills to cope.

This is one of the things in the "preparation" program that I mentioned in another thread (that I still haven't been able to find). Part of it is identifying, in writing, not just triggers but breaking them into groups. There are triggers that you can avoid. There are triggers that you can't avoid but that you can plan for... for example maybe a family member triggers you and you know that person is going to be at Thanksgiving. You can plan in advance ways to minimize the damage to yourself, ways to avoid or cope with that person at the event, things to do afterward to bring oneself back to health. Then there are triggers that might pop up spontaneously... maybe something on TV comes up or you run into someone at the store... and thinking of ways to help cope with that situation as well as possible.

I should look harder for the info on this program...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I forgave someone for something very bad...don't wanna trigger here because that person WAS very sorry and sought a T for help even went in-patient..I feel I myself am richer for it because we are now friendly and I hold no fear or anger