how do you forgive?

hi,
i'm 26 years old. my dad physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me unitl i was 17. i then did not talk with him except on rare occassions for 5 years. (we do now talk when i call him about once or twice a month.) the older i get the more i am realizing that forgiveness is the only way i am going to truly heal. how do you truly forgive someone, even if that person to this day denies ever harming you and your family.
gwen

You are asking big questions. I do not have the answers but I will say that it is what is in your heart that counts. For me once I got to a place of wishing no ill upon the abusers then I was more peaceful. You can hold your truth and still treat the other person with compassion. It does not mean to lie to yourself. Just to try to hold peace close at hand.

I've only recently been able to get my stepmother in perspective and I'm 56 and she died in 2001. I think the enormity of the other person's effect on our lives takes a long time to adjust to and lots of experience with the "wider" world out here so we can see that one person, even at that time, wasn't all there was but only all we could see. I think "forgiveness" is an ongoing thing as we experience more and see more and get it all in perspective. My therapist was a bit helpful when she kept bringing up that a person isn't all "one" thing/way. The way we perceive the person isn't the way everyone else sees them and the things we remember aren't all that happened between us, just the "larger" or "special" (in a bad way) highlights. I'm amazed at how little things keep bubbling to the surface now, things I saw and experienced that weren't hurtful in my stepmother's and my interaction and how I "understand" some of the things she did and how/why she did them the way she did and the distance helps as does the "quiet" of her death, the lack of her presence to "distract" me and sway me one way or the other.

Why did you start communicating with your father again? That might help you a little with the forgiveness? There might be some spark of "good" to counter the bad thoughts/memories? Whenever I get overwhelmed, I remember a first grade classroom and how when you're 6, the chairs and desks, etc. are the "right" size but when you come back as an adult, they're tiny and we don't fit them anymore. People and their affect on us can be like that too. And the smaller the "problem" the less there is to forgive and the easier it is because it's less "noticeable" against the totality of our lives. Really look at your father now; I remember when I was approximately your age and asked my father to fix a problem I had and he was clueless. I'd always felt he had been able to help me with everything before and now he didn't even know how to approach it. He was getting old. I was becoming "stronger" than he, a larger force in my world.

thanks a bunch. i started talking back with my dad, for many different reasons. one is because i have looked at who he is now. he longer is this huge tall monster, yet a frail old man. also, asking myself who am i ,has also made me look beyond my past. iguess there really is no simple quick answer to forgiveness. just wanted to know what others thought.
gwen

You forget and think on the bright side, fix what is upsetting you and talk with the person.

Forgiveness for me came towards my father came when I realized that my anger was eating away at me. That I was the one that was suffering - still. Then a couple of years ago, my Dad apoligized out of the blue. I'm 51 and he was 84. He died a couple of years later. He wasn't sick or anything at the time of the apology. But looking at him at that timeI realized that he was not the great big giant that I had always thought.

Well. I just tell myself, the persont hat abused me was weak and ill.Just like Im kind of sick now from what they did to me and cant help some of the stupid stuff I do, they were sick too and I guess couldnt help it. Ive never hurt anyone intentionally, but I have in advertently. I try to believe that they didnt want to hurt me but they were crazy. I dont know if Ive officvially "forgiven" them. But it seems to be able to help me tolerate them since they were my parents and I still see them.

Good post Perna too

Hello Gwen welcome to Psych Central. I dont know that you truly forgive an abusive person but you HAVE to learn to deal with the negative aspects of the abuse through professional means in order to move on with your life. There is nothing wrong with moving on and becoming more tolerable of your surroundings and environment, and growing up and becoming more aware that you are a person, and protecitng yourself in a positive and regulated manner. Things change and peoples attitudes change with age. You may never forgive but you can get the help you need to go on and foget for a while, which is sometimes more important than forgiveness, Take care welcome again Soidhonia

forgiveness takes time...perhaps you invite him to a counciling session? Good luck, your in my prayers

InACorner

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gwen26 said:
how do you truly forgive someone, even if that person to this day denies ever harming you and your family.
gwen

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IMHO - You forgive one day at a time and by choice...... LoVe & Forgiveness are both obtained and kept alive by choice.

PLUS...
I used the Radical Forgiveness book to help ME place my anger aside, and all without having to dig up every single little horrid memory. YOU can check the book out in the Rate & Review section here on PC.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( )))