[SS8282]

A lot of things have been happening lately, and I couldn't literally get the words to come out last week, but last night, I managed to try to talk in chat. Unfortunately, it didn't come out right, and people started talking about something that was not the main issue, and what I said afterwords (the main point), got lost.

It got so frustrating and overwhelming that I couldn't stay and had to leave.

I'm sorry. I know the people here are nice. I guess it was bad timing on my part.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((SS)))))))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

I have been missing you. We used to speak quite often. Can you p.m. me and tell me what is going on? Be well dear friend.

[Greenleaves]

It's difficult sometimes when we feel like others are not listening to us. Sometimes people don't know how to support us the way we need to be supportive. Maybe it might be better to post on the boards about your problems so that there is a better chance of someone saying something to make you feel better. Unfortunately sometimes people just don't know what to say. Having more people read your experiences might be helpful to getting the right type of support.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((ss))))))))))))))))))))) i'm sorry. were there alot of ppl in chat?

i'm sorry your subject fell off the screen. GL has a good idea...you can talk here!

kd

[SS8282]

(((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))
((((((((((ww)))))))))
((((((((GL)))))))))))
((((((((((KD)))))))))

Thank you.

There were a lot of people in chat. I need to get my thoughts together, as well as my feelings before I post. The subject is triggering. Sorry.

[SS8282]

OK. I'll make the story as short as I can.

A close friend of mine had someone at work commit suicide in Sept. Then a personal friend tried to kill herself. Therapy in hospital wasn't helping and when she tried outpatient, other patients teasted her.

With all that happened (original depression, failed attempt, therapy not helping, and the teasing) she tried to kill herself again. She's back at the same hospital. Because she doesn't have insurance and doesn't work, she's on social assistant, which doesn't go far in getting the kind of help and treatment she needs.

My friend felt responsible for her, and tried to help her. He visited her as much as he could, but even though she seemed happy to see him at first, she later became distant, and he didn't feel 'good' about visiting. He gets the feeling that she really doesn't want to live.

My friend also has depression and SAD, so he's having a very hard time lately. Stress at work too. He said his cat and I are the only things that keep him going.

I talked to hime today, and he said he's in the 'what's the point?' mood. I want to help him, want his friend get better. But I don't know how. He lives far away from me.

Sorry, guess it's not that short.

[dexter]

I am outraged that the facilitators of the outpatient group allowed teasing to occur. They shouldn't be harboring an environment that lends itself to that, let alone allow it to occur.

But that is neither here nor there.

The only (practical) thought that I had in reading this was concerning the friend in the hospital becoming distant. Sounds like she is isolating herself, and if that is the case it may do good for your friend to keep visiting her and keep her from isolating herself totally. Of course that can be a stressful thing to do, so he has to be sure he is up for it, and remember that while he can help her, he is not responsible for her. He is responsible for himself and his own well being.

It is a great thing that he has you to rely on and to talk to. In the past, I have operated best in stressful situations where I have had sort of a "bucket brigade" of support... being with someone for whom I had to remain strong and supportive, but being able to come off that daily to someone else where I could vent or unwind or whatever. And of course you always have us here SS.

{{{{{{SS8282}}}}}}

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((Dexter)))))))))))))) thanks for the hugs.

Whether the facilitators tried to stop the teasing or not, the harm has been done. She wasn't able to keep on going knowing what people really think of her, even though not verbalizing it.

My friend will keep on visiting when he can but he might not stay long. He feels awkward when he's there, but like you said, he lets her know he cares and she's not really 'alone'.

I'm glad I have this site to 'unload' on.

[dexter]

>>he might not stay long. He feels awkward when he's there, but like you said, he lets her know he cares and she's not really 'alone'.

That sounds very good. If he can only stay a short time that is OK. He has to know his own limits first. Trying to remember that the awkwardness is due to depression and is not personal may help.

IMO it is OK if he thinks he is overextending himself to cut back for his own safety/health. I guess like almost everything in life, the solution is finding the right balance.

[SS8282]

It looks like he might not visit her for a few days. I was talking to him today, and he wasn't doing well at all. He was so depressed. He didn't know what to do regarding anything.

I told him to go home for lunch and hug his cat. He loves his cat so much. Well, he was home when he IM'd me.

He was still sad, and didn't like his lunch. He was also very angry because he went to a place to get some lunch when around 20 kids from a local school went in, and he couldn't get what he wanted. He ended up going somewhere else for something he didn't like.

He wasn't sure if he should go back to work or call in sick. He thought it wouldn't look good if he stayed home for the rest of the day, and go put on a show at night (he's also a musician.) I told him to go back to work, and close the door, so he would be alone, and not have to deal with people.

He IM'd me when he got to work and told me he regretted going. He said it seems like what happened to the kid who killed himself and the attempted suicides were taking a toll on him.

He was having such a hard time, and crying. Nothing seems to be helping. We spent the rest of the afternoon, until I had to leave my office, talking on the computer. He really couldn't do work.

Towards the end of our conversation, he told me he felt like hurting himself. I asked him not to, and suggested he try to meditate a little. He didn't think he could but would try. *sigh*

[dexter]

If it has gotten this bad, it probably is not good to be pushing himself so hard to see her, and maybe time for him to ask for some help... call his doctor and therapist for some help. Maybe you can coax him in that direction.

As triggers go, it seems like he has encounters some triggers that top the list, so maybe talking to his pdoc and T is appropriate even if he wasn't feeling so badly... just to keep the situation in check.

And if he can't make you a firm promise not to hurt himself (one that you believe) there is nothing wrong with calling someone on his behalf. I always like the idea of making short promises for a limited length of time, I think they are easier to keep and it is easier to trust the person making a promise. "Promise you won't hurt yourself for 24 hours, and I'll check in with you tomorrow to see how you are doing."

Let us know how he is doing, and good luck.

[SS8282]

He survived Friday. I spoke to him yesterday. He felt better that his show on Friday went well. He needed something *good* to happen.

He hasn't talked to his friend yet, because it might just bring him down again - not that he was really 'up'.

I suggested that he talk to his T (doesn't have a pdoc). He told me that the last time he talked to his T and told her about the 2 friends, she told him - get this - that there are some people who do want to commit suicide and some actually succeed, and some don't. Out of those who don't will try again, and possibly keep on trying until he/she succeeds.

I just about fell off my chair when I heard that. Yes, that may be true but it certainly didn't help. No way! So I'm not sure if I should suggest him try talking to her again about the subject of suicide. She's ok with other stuff like feeling like a failure, or being indecisive, general depression or anxiety.

I almost suggested him changing his T, but it took him so long to get this one. Looking for another T right now would do him more harm than good. I guess I'll be his 'T' now regarding the sensitive topic.

Oh, and your suggestion of making him promise not to hurt himself on a short-term basis, is good. I try to check in on him everyday - email, phone, IM. I love him, and I want to get rid of that big heavy 'cloud' away from him. It's hard though - very hard.

[SS8282]

While all *that* has been going on. Another friend is having her dog put down. The dog's been sick for a while - with cancer, but he 'survived'. Now, his kidneys failed. The vet is going to put him to sleep today.

My friend is very supportive of that friend, and he feels how precious time with his cat is. He's not talking about hurting himself anymore. Thank goodness. So much stress for him.

Last night my friend was feeling really down. He needed me and I wasn't there for him. I should've came online to talk to him, but I didn't. I am a bad friend (

[dexter]

First of all, you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to be online with him last night. I mean, I guess it is normal when you want to help but can't to feel a little bad about the incident, but that is a far cry from thinking you are a bad friend. You are not a bad friend, you are a good friend because you are concerned and are doing what you can for him. Being a friend means doing what you reasonably can, it doesn't mean doing everything humanly possible, and part of his being a friend is understanding what you can and can't do... I doubt he expects you to be available for him 24 hours a day. I am sure he appreciates that he can lean on you and get your support even if he has to wait the next day for it... that is something that a lot of people don't have. You are a GREAT friend.

I'm glad he is feeling better. Has he been in touch with the friend with the sick dog? Maybe his being able to offer support to someone in a better position to receive it has been helpful, providing a bit of balance against the friend who he wants to help but is unable to do so because of where she currently is in her illness. Am I making sense?

Anyway, I am also glad that you are able to post here and we are able to offer our support to you. This is a good "network" of support with you and your friend and his friends and your friends here... And the fact that you are a large part of this network makes you a GREAT FRIEND so please don't ever think otherwise!

{{{{{{SS}}}}}}

[SS8282]

Thanks, ((((((((((Dexter))))))))))))))

I was talking to him late in the afternoon. He was getting very depressed - crying. Don't know why, but he tends to take a nose dive in the afternoons.

He's stressed out at work today (on top of everything else). The people in his group continuously argue about this and that, and they all want him to help them out, make life easier for them (individually). They don't seem to take their responsibilities well. They like to do things their own when, and when to do them. They don't understand why my friend puts his foot down and tell them what needs to be done and when. He hates their bickerings, and feels bad that he has to deal with it.

He thinks he's hopeless and a loser for not being able to handle everything. He said he wants to give up. I told him to hang in there - think of his cat and me. He told me he's tired of thinking

I had to leave the office and I told him that I would be back online when I'm home, but he's not here. Hope he's ok.

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* SS! I know how that goes, sometimes you just have an off night! It's happened to me, I've appologized and I was forgiven! Not a biggie

[SS8282]

Thanks ((((((spazzy)))))))

[wisewoman]

SS, you are a wise and compassionate friend. Hang in there and keep reaching out.

[SS8282]

Thanks ww. I hope what I'm doing is good - for my friend, myself. I have to really think about things, and man, does that hurt.