[DidIwaisteMyLife]

Where I am in life I am not really sure. I am 20 years old and a freshman in college with no idea what to do. I'm struggling even to write this cuase I just do not know where to begin.I guess I will just go over my problems one by one. Here it goes. . .

All my life I have had trouble with school. I had pretty bad grades all through out middle school. I remember the day I came home with my 9th grade report card, smiling with no care about it. My mom was furious when she saw the three D's I had received. I always have had trouble with doing home work and studying in general. Studying for me was almost non-existent and procrastination has been by my side all my life. Furthermore, I rarely asked my parents to check my homework. I slowly started to care for my grades, but only enough to get by with a few As, Bs, and Cs. Also, I hate math with a passion, maybe because I never really bothered to take it seriously.Thee basic stuff like adding and such was easy, but as soon we we started learning Algebra, I just have up. However, I did enjoy Geometry and did not really have any trouble with it. History is interesting for me, but not enough that I look in to it on my own time. Science is alright. My dad is a chemist by the way, and he has a PhD which worked really hard for even while raising kids. That PhD allows him to get off work any Friday he wants. Anyways, English I don't really like either. Essays are a pain in the *** for me and I just plain don't like them. I used to read back in the day and I wish to start again, but I have not picked up a book since my junior year of high school when I noticed none of my friends read. I am now on my 2nd semester of community college and struggling to focus my self on school. Apparently I chose and English class with the most difficult professor. I can honestly say I do not do my best in that class, but she says my writing skills are good and I should pursue an English major. In my head I am thinking no way. My 1st Research paper is due in this class and I have known about it since day one. The outline is do tomorrow which is 85% of the whole thing and I have done nothing for it. I just could not bring my self to do the the work I do not know why. I will probably skip my class tomorrow just to work on the paper all day. My other classes I sort of enjoy as well. Currently I feel no passion for school at all. I just do not know what to do about it.

My parents have known this, but I keep them in the dark about most of my life especially my dad who I have never really been close with. My dad divorced his previous wife of whom he had four kids who are my siblings now. From what I understand is that my siblings have given him a lot of trouble, and I just decided to kind of keep my distance from him I guess. Most of the dinners I have with my parents are silent. Occasionally one of us will say something and we all join in to talk. Rarely though will the conversations last longer than that 20 minutes.
I love my parents, but because of my mom I missed out on high school parties. I was never allowed to spend the night anywhere which is what everyone did to sneak out and party.

My Social life I feel is dangling by a severely frayed rope that I fear will be cut soon. Growing up I hung out with different kinds of people. I met my best friend in 2nd grade and our friendship lasted till high school because we went to different schools. He was very outgoing and was friends with many people, especially girls. I can say the worst issue I have in my life is that of girls. I have never had a girlfriend. I do not know how to talk to them. I am really uncomfortable around them, I most of the time I show it by frowning. I have no confidence in my self what so ever. I middle school I like three girls in each grade. I never told them them, but they all eventually found out, but they never really approached me about it. I think it is because of my wide looking face which I got made fun of a lot back in the day. I was called melon head, sqareface, football head, you get the idea. Even my name was made fun of. During highshool the group of friends I eventually fell in with, turned those names in to jokes. They called me all sorts of names, but only cuase I would get mad about it. There was this girl at my church that I liked during 9th grade. After a long time I got her number, and we texted a little bit. But when she got her friends on the phone, it was the last time I talked with her. I was a weird kid. I never hung out with girls, i did not know what to talk about with them. That rejection planted a seed in me which I can say thorny plants have sprouted from. The next girl I had a crush for 3 full years all the way through out high school. I think I actually fell in love with her. The feeling that came over me every time I saw her made time stop around me.
The problem was that she was friends with the popular crowd. I was friends of people that were friends with that group, but I never really got any closer than that. She eventually noticed me and approached me in band class near the end of my freshman year. She asked me if she could have a piece of gum. I was shocked hat she came over, but I tried to hide it. I gave her the gum but I really didn't say anything. I knew that she knew I liked her, but I just could not approach her at all. I thought of her everyday and all though out summer too. During my my sophomore year she would walk by be everyday with her friend, and I said nothing. This went on until my senior year of high school. Actually I did talk to her but only 3 times in my life. I remember two of those encounters clearly. The 1st happened my sophmore year. I just decided to bump in to her in the same lunch line and it was a disaster. She was with a friend and I just sort of said hi and I LEFT the line to go to the bathroom. I came back to the SAME line and she saw me I just got my food and ate it. My friends knew about this issue and they tried to help me, but I just couldn't do it. I befriended this guy in highschool who I looked up to. He was like me in middle school, but decided to change. He was a ladies man, very funny, good looking, and of course he was in shape. He worked his *** of to get an eight-pack, and still has one to this day. He was part of the group I wanted to fit in with, and slowly I inched my self in with them. This group friends knew everybody. They weren't all necessarily popular, but they were friends with ones who were. Anyways the guy I was talking about knew about my girl issues and he tried to help me out so much. In a way, I had hoped his personality would rub off on me, but it just never happened. Also, I had difficulty with asking for people's numbers cause I was so awkward. I also have a nerdy side as well, and i was friends with these two other dudes that were the same. I spend a lot of time with them because we liked video games and computers and that. I have recently severed my connection with them cause I wanted to stick with the cooler crowd. I know that a selfish thing to do, but I just knew my social life was better off with out them.

Ive always worried about my looks. I also not in really great shape. I am not fat, but I don have abs which i really want. Everybody says I big they say my shoulders are wide. I don't see it. I work out on and off, but I can not seem to keep a routine for long. And I LOVE food. I cut a lot of junk food out of my life, but I splurge in some food every once in a while and eat what ever. I just can't seem to find the determination to get in shape, I know it will boost my confidence. But every time I have a bad day or something, i look at my life. I remember all my past mistakes and how weird I am, and I just lose all momentum and just not care about anything.

I grew up with video games and spent way to much time with them.
I can play for hours at a time. But, lately I have just lost all my passion for video games. Nowadays, I watch movies a lot or my TV shows online. I don't pay attention to the news, sports or anything. I'm like in my own world which I want to get out of.

I have so much more to write about the issues in my life, but my laziness is winning right now. Please read this and just give me a sense of direction. I'm no where near suicidal or depressed, but I'm not really happy all the same either.

[(JD)]

Hi. Sorry for the late reply... and sorry your post slipped through without any responses so far. Sometimes the longer posts are more difficult for others to read,depending upon what members are going through.

I'm wondering how that paper came out, did it?

Have you sought out a counselor through school? You sound depressed to me. That makes life lose it's color, takes the get up and go away. Let us know if you have a counselor at the school, or if you have option of a therapist somehow. I think it would be good to have someone IRL to be there to help get you through this blue time.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree that you do sound depressed. Check with your school to see if they have a counselor or therapist that you could talk to. They'll be able to help you in ways that our forum cannot. You can work on your possible depression and self esteem; two things that, more often than not, go hand in hand.

Also, you are only a freshman in college. There is no need to stress at this moment about what you want to major in or what you want to do with your life. Take your gen eds, read course descriptions for upper level courses, maybe visit a job fair to see what kind of jobs are out there, and then find something you're passionate about. I used to get very anxious and depressed when I was in college and had a lot of trouble motivating myself. You have to do these things at your own pace, or you will not be doing them for yourself. When you are doing it for yourself and not to appease others or society, you will have motivation.

Perhaps you can make a list of your good qualities, write it down, and read it and try to add one thing to it everyday. (Ps, an 8 pack? That's too much of a good thing). Maybe if you got involved in a social sport on campus. Intermural sports, or something like a flag football, ultimate frisbee team. Something not to serious to get you moving and out doors. That will help with depression and make you more confident.

Once you believe in yourself, every thing else will start to fall into place. I know it sounds corny, but it's true. I would strongly recommend talking to a therapist to help you out.

[Elana05]

Hi DidIwaisteMyLife,

I know what you mean... Not exactly feeling sad. But just flat? Would it be possible for you to ask your parents if you could find a counselor to speak with? I sort of went through the same things around the ages you mention. My grades were pretty bad and I just did not know what direction to take in life. I later realized that some things in my own life bothered me. It wasn't anything on the surface but some stuff way down I had to figure out over time that had to do with my parents getting divorced and some other family stuff. All in all I ended up with sort of low self esteem that make socializing difficult. Anyway it has helped me to see a therapist. You deserve to feel good, have energy and feel more present in life. I hope you will reach out and ask for a bit of help.

[Open Eyes]

Hi,

I stopped here and read your thoughts. I can see why you were encouraged to be a writer. That was not a bad suggestion for you.
You wrote a lot and had a lot to say and your writing style shows
possibilities.

Some of the most talented writers were observers of others. They didn't necessarily have a feel for interaction but, they had a real feel of imagining what they might like to see happen and instead of thinking about their weakness they used their weakness and put it into stories.

I can see by what you write, you were shopping for a charector for yourself. This is not uncomon in the years you have spoken about and where you are now. Twenty is still very young and most of the people your age have the same concerns that you have.

When you talk about your family I can see you were somewhat of an outsider. Your parents broke up and your mom was thinking about getting her life on track and so she wasn't paying attention to you. This is where some of the lack of courage comes from with girls. And your father started another family and your were left out there too. And the second woman that came into your life, your stepmom, was busy making a family of her own and so she didn't really connect with you.

So, all of that has only added to you lack of luster when it comes to yourself. But it does not mean that you are not worthy. And it doesn't appear that your parents took part in your social world either. So you have been on your own finding your way and lost.

Your temperment has always been a signal to them that you were ok, you probably weren't acting out and demanding their attention and they probably just figured, Oh well he is just being a teenager. I think they thought that you were somewhat passive and maybe content because you don't really talk. In fact, you are probably talking more here than you ever did with them.

I will tell you this, my daughter liked a guy kinda like you. She would get on the phone with him and he just wouldn't talk. So one day she told me, "Mom, I don't know to do, he doesn't talk" so I told what she could try.

I said, before you talk with him on the phone make a list of subjects that you can talk about. Keep in mind that he doesn't talk so that means that most of the conversation will be you asking him questions and you will get short replies. So be prepared for that. Also think about things you did that day or that week so that you can tell him that too.

So, my daughter did just what I advised and she now knows how to talk to boys. She said it was hard work. lol But what she didn't realize is that she was also teaching this young man to talk to girls. So, in a way I did them both a favor.

Well my daughter is 27 and they didn't stay together went off to college in separate directions but, every year he calls and wishes her a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? She cant believe it, he never forgets. He finally learned how to talk and have a girlfriend. But, no one ever talked to him like my daughter.

So, you haven't wasted your life, your life is just beginning and you don't really have to know who you are yet. But I can tell you this, you cant be other people. But you can still watch other people and what your doing is ok because you are mingling with different groups and watching how they act. Keep that in mind someday because you may write about it more than you have here. And you may write about it creatively.

I also think that it would be good for you to try to make friends with a girl, someone funny and very friendly. Tell her right up front that you are shy and you would like to learn how to talk to girls better. If this girl you pick is a genuine funny nice girl, she will help you.

And the other advice here is good too. The advice that says, keep going to school and learning the general requirements. And it will come to you
eventually. I would also suggest that you try to maybe donate your time
where you can be around children maybe at a grammer school or library reading to them. There are little girls that can chat there too and they may break the ice for you to be around girls your own age. Also some girl more your age may notice that you like children and be more apt to join in and get to know you better and visa versa.

If you take my suggestion and try to get to know a girl that you may not necessarily be attracted to if you get turned away, it wont bother you.
It can be a way to practice your skills in just learning how to talk to girls.

I am now writing as much as you. Give it some thought, and don't be hard on yourself, after all your just growing up. Your a freshman and all freshman are nervous even if they don't show it.

Open Eyes

[madisgram]

a short reply
you sound as tho you have a low esteem. lack of self confidence. therapy could help you learn more about yourself and to deal with the low self esteem and other stumbling blocks.

school-most freshmen don't know what they want to do re their major. takes time and maturity to identify your long term goals. school counselor perhaps can aide you.

depression-therapy could help you sort this all out.

social isolation-the same

[paintedgoldfish]

hello, Didiwaistemylife,

I know that you are unhappy that your life isn't happening fast enough or in the order you had in mind. Just keep in mind that many people fell the same way. You will meet someone that you have a mutually enjoyable relationship with. My daughter used to spend hours crying about not having someone. when she said her wedding vows she actually cried and said, "I didn't think you existed".
Her husband is so perfect for her, he is deeply loved by our family.
Give yourself permission to wait patiently. Your love is out there.

As far as school I would muster through it. You will find subjects that you will love, but you have to do the work. I can't tell you how many late nights I spent writing a papper until early morning. Procrastination is normal, but it is pointless to take a class twice, especially if you hate the subject. So, my advice is to do your best effort in your classes.

You should consider doing something you love, like video game development. Good money, good carreer and there are a variety of classes you can take. Don't forget the internet is kind of hot. I heard about this guy who made a bloody fortune off a social networking sight. They call it Facebook.
But seriously. the world is changing fast. Plan your career for jobs that people will have in the future. My boys are becoming firemen. they want to stay fit and be seen as hero's. Talk about getting the girls.

Anyway, that is my meager advice.

noodlefish

[paintedgoldfish]

Oh Yeh. I forgot.

Of course you haven't wasted your life.