Having more stupid issues...

My entire life I have had very low self esteem. I've always felt too slow, too stupid, too slow, too lazy, too weird. I once went for weeks unable to look into a mirror and face myself. Now all of a sudden, I feel even worse.

Okay, I've always been a lazy person. This bothers my stepdad a lot, and he says I'm going to end up as a fat bum like my father. It doesn't matter how much I sleep; I'm always exhausted for most of the morning and sluggish during the day. I can't stay up very late and if I had my way I'd sleep in til past 8 everyday. Working out is complete hell because my lungs give out and I hyperventilate if I run outside for more than 3 seconds (literally!), and I'm not even in that bad of shape. In school I struggled to stay awake and slept through my classes. Lately this has been driving me crazy, and no matter what I do (sleeping meds, exercise, whatever) I can't get enough sleep during the night and not be tired in the morning.

The weird part is starting to level off. I'm starting to get the fact that no one wants to hear about necrosis, buzzard migration season, HTML coding, Lord of the Rings, World of WarCraft, Buddhism, Capgras Syndrome, any sort of animal trivia, or anything about sports. I also figured out no one else appreciates and/or gives a crap about the children I babysit or my family. And when someone says "what's up?" they do not actually want to know "what's up?" The proper response is always "Nothing much, you?" Even still, I feel like a total outcast whether I hide my interests or not.

The whole "not smart enough" thing is getting worse. I'm so freaking insecure about my intelligence that little things set me off. My teacher today corrected me on a math problem. I felt a little peeved, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. Then a peer had to add this "This is hard stuff, it's very easy to get confused. Just try again and you'll get it." For some reason this set me off the edge. I feel like she was patronizing me. I can't even bring myself to correct the problem because if I mess up again she's just going to baby me more! I just wish I wasn't so stupid. I can't read Shakespeare, I can't do math in my head, I can't even understand basic political terms.

I really hate myself, and now I'm so used to it I don't know how to stop. I've tried to fix my flaws, I've tried all the little tips and nothing works. My life isn't even that bad! I have a house, we're finacially sound, I'm passing my classes (barely) and I'm not being physically abused anymore. Why is it that I can never be good enough?

Your physical problems sound like they may need some medical tests to see if you don't have an underlying situation making you tired? I have to take meds for that. I think I'd get a physical with my GP, see how my physical health is.

Only you should care if you can't read Shakespeare; doesn't sound like your sort of reading? Everyone has interests and everyone's interests are different! I was going to say, "I want to hear about HTML!" I have several web sites and proudly code them myself though I'm not very good at it if you compare me with others/professionals, but I'm good enough for me! There are other things I want to study more.

Someone else saying you are lazy does not make you lazy. No one is "really" lazy because everyone attempts and does what they want to do! That you don't want to do what someone else wants you to do does not mean you're lazy! Look at how long and hard you can work at studying necrosis, buzzard migration season, HTML coding, Lord of the Rings, World of WarCraft, Buddhism, Capgras Syndrome, any sort of animal trivia, or anything about sports!

I have to disagree. My step-dad knows lazy, and I'm lazy. He can work for hours on end on a 4 hour sleep. He's been working like crazy ever since he got kicked out at 16, and here I don't even have a job. All I do is mooch off my mom and step-dad and sit around doing school work or something stupid like video games when I'm not cleaning or babysitting. And all that stupid stuff I'm obsessed with only furthers my status as "social reject." I didn't get my username from being cool; even the nerds hate me!

God I hate Asperger's. I'm too much of a smart*** to have friends and too stupid to be any good at anything.

What else do you think you should be doing? For Pete's sakes, you go to school, and then you have to clean and babysit!! Don't you think that is enough? Babysittiing can be very tiring -- I don't know the ages of the kids, but it's a lot of responsibility.

Don't compare yourself to your step-dad. You are not HIM. You are completely different - your make-up is different. Who cares what your step-dad does? Growing up is tiring in itself!! Your body is making changes that affects everything.

I do agree that you might want to get a checkup to see if your thyroid is on the fritz, or perhaps some other ailment -- it couldn't hurt. And as far as "mooching" off your parents -- what is a kid SUPPOSED to do -- pay food & rent while they're growing up??? C'mon now, lets get real here. I think you're pulling your own weight. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are NOT stupid - you're a well-spoken young person . You need to talk to a therapist -- do you have one? Can you speak to your counselor at school? You really need to talk to someone who can help. You're just too hard on yourself. You are right where you are supposed to be at your age. Give yourself a break! Hugs, Lee

I wanted to start by saying look at your medication. The one that I'm currently taking, Luvox, is well known to cause tiredness (more than that, exhaustion). i slept 16 hours today and am still very tired. Also, in order to get past the I'm not good enough feeling you have to work hard at changing your thoughts. If you continue to allow your thoughts to belittle and berate you then you're never going to get past them. I say this because changing my thoughts has had a very profound effect on my life.

Love and hugs,
Tara

I only go to the hospital once every few years when I get really bad ear infections, no more, no less. I do not have a therapist and I am in homeschooling. My antidepressents ran out last year, but with all my brother's therapy, I can never see any kind of doctor because my mom's got to be here all the time. I can't even go next door half the time because it upsets my brother. Pkus with my mom's physical therapy, there's just no time for me.

Other kids have jobs, I think. And I'm 16, I should be out working and stuff so I can afford sunglasses (I practically go blind in sunlight) and my own stuff.

I fel like I should be doing so much more. I hate how I've always felt 10 years older than what I am.

I think you have a lot of responsibility for being 16. You don't have to have a job to be responsible. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you've always felt ten years older than what you are...did you ever get a chance to be a kid? Who is supporting you emotionally right now? I agree with the whole visit to the doc thing. There can be so many things causing your exhaustion. Everyone is different and everyone has different skills and interests...just because your step-dad sleeps 4 hours doesn't mean you should have to and honestly - I read Shakespeare in high school, but have never used it since. I really wish you had someone who could support you emotionally because it doesn't sound like you're getting that right now.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you've always felt ten years older than what you are...did you ever get a chance to be a kid? Who is supporting you emotionally right now?

I think I did, but I kinda had to repress it. I had no friends, and my mom was always either working or sleeping to support us. My mom stopped babying me the minute I turned 9, and even before then I was treated like I was older. My dad has always talked to me like I was an adult, even when I was an infant!In fourth grade, I knew more about palentology and astronomy than the teacher. Since I've always got high grades in school, everyone expects me to act like one. You would not believe how many people have called me a "unusually mature" young lady.

People get surprised when they realize I still like EVERYTHING I liked as a child. I still like pretending I'm a warrior (I never did the princess thing) and I still watch (and enjoy) all the cartoons my brother now watches that I enjoyed when younger. To be honest, I got him started on the Powerpuff Girls and Transformers just so I could watch it again. Hell I still play my GameBoy Color and all my Pokemon games.

And yet, I feel like I'm old. I always have, and I guess I alway will, even if my surpressed inner child is always kicking and screaming in the back of my head. My Grandma and her sister are probably the only people who will always treat me like a baby, and quite honestly I love it. My stepdad is the ONLY one who sorta acts like I'm my own age, and even he knows I'm "too mature."

One one hand, I want to be an adult, on the other, I want to be a kid. Why can't I just be a normal teenager? It's weird being a "mature" adult and a spoiled brat at the same time.

My emotional support would be my lovely friend Jimothy, aka "The Ghost". He lives in my closet and keeps me company. Jimothy says hi to you folks, and that I'm wasting my time on here and should be doing my Algebra homework. He also wants me to say that I know he's not real, but I honestly don't care because I'm desperate for attention and at least one person that will baby me or be my teenage friend depending on my mood.