[Sanada]

Today I spent 2 hours with my Re-Hab T (we are only meant to spend half an hour together).
I have been home 2-3 hours and I feel dark and black inside. She asked me how I was when I saw her and I told her I feel blacker than the top she was wearing.
I know why (I think I feel this way), I told her just to spend a few hours talking to someone with half an intellect was a blessing.
I arrived home and did 'more cleaning', drank lots of filter coffee (of which I have detoxed of from for a few weeks). Now really 'dark and blacker' than 'black' feelings have stormed me.
Having trouble with the net does not help. Its pouring rain (and has been all day here in the UK).
I now sit surrounded by hundreds of books, music, gaming consoles, and the laptop/internet for company.
I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well looking up and seeing a point of light that is the 'normal world'. I feel the need to crawl up and find the top to survive.

I have placed on my fav music to help pull me up, but the c.d will run out. Where do I go from there.

I am studying at the moment about C.G. Jung (good stuff), but placing myself inside a box is making me feel like crap (but I need to learn this stuff).

Ah well, sorry about my 'vent' or exposure of my feelings.

I'll go back to staring at stacks of books and art, and blank walls.

[Caretaker Leo]

(((sanada)))

I have been in your place - the bottom of the well (or in my case, a deep hole). My only advice is to try hard to force yourself to go for a walk, clean a space in your home - anything that make you move your body. Heck - dance to the music! And make it lively music - not sad, soul-searching music.

Perhaps, despite my depressive episodes, this is why I no longer see a T. It triggered me into deeper places.

Just my personal thoughts. Hoping you begin finding the light again soon.

[Sanada]

Thank you Leo.

I think I have realised what happened to me today.
I spent some time with another human being face to face (my T), who I love because she see's me for what I am.
I came home, made coffee, had med's, and reflected.

What I saw all around me was just that - me, a reflection of of my personality, a personality that's being wasted.

All my books (which is very impressive). Books that are 1st editions from America (black sparrow press Bukowski's through to Russian 1st editions that I love and a mass of sci-fi and fiction). The music I own is vast. The art I look at (massive original pieces that I would die for) I love with all my heart.
My room, my organisation, my space; in the end its just a reflection of myself. I look around at what I own and I am proud of what I see; but its nothing if I cannot share it.

That's the problem, its just a reflection of myself, I see nobody else.
I have been alone for too long. I was a virgin till I was 21 (and proud of that I am), then I was never alone till 2006, now after 5 years I see nobody except my own world. Its a lonely world (if not for the internet I would be on the dark side of the moon).

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just being with my T (who is more like a very good friend), made me see how alone I am. Again.....when I look around, I only see reflections of my own tastes. When being with another like mind, then coming home; I see a void containing nothing, no matter what I see.
It comes as a shock to know how far removed from (my) world irl I have become....

My ex of 10 years did philosophy (and passed with hon's), she taught me a lot. Maybe too much. Now when I look around my (personal) world; all I see is someone very very alone.
I have never been alone like this, when I am in touch with a like mind (like my T today), then coming home alone, it kills me to see what I have lost in the shape of a human being (my ex).

I'll survive somehow. I have to. I don't think though I will ever be same again.

(being surrounded by dark forces and robbers and sketchy people does not help, I have never felt this exposed and fragile and open to attack ever in my life. I have to carry every thing with me where ever I go. Laptop electrical goods etc - nobody wants to steal books/c.d's it seems).

I'll do what it takes to protect myself (somehow).

..

((sanada)) i hope you will continue to see your T on a regular basis because it seems you need more contact with other people. perhaps you can discuss how you see other people as "robbers and sketchy" and challenge those concepts so there are some exceptions. maybe you could set a goal of going out for coffee when you are feeling trapped at home? good luck to you!

[Open Eyes]

(((((Sanada))))))
Ok, now you were up and very optimistic there for a bit. And now you falling.
Think about when you were up and optimistic, what were you thinking? This is important because now your talking about actually DOING what you were up about and now you are expressing doubts right?

I understand your surroundings and that must be very difficult. But you had a time there where you saw your way through that and you felt better. You are out of practice Sanada, and visiting with your T and someone who is intellectually challenging was good but now your home and feeling low. DOUBT and FEAR are setting in and that is common and what you have to do is, as hard as it might seem, continue moving forward.

Now you threw in that (ex factor) and that was a disappointment to you and maybe a part of you is obviously still troubled over that, because you don't want it to happen again, so you are allowing that experience to prohibit you from gaining. You have to see it for what it is and you cant let that bad experience get in your way any more.

Sanada, your smart and being with your therapist and enjoying that kind of interaction is just a reminder that you actually CAN do it. Sanada, its hard, I am trying to do that too. But you have to give it to yourself and have faith in yourself.
You have to be willing to walk right through your phobia and get to the other side so you can exhale finally. You can do it Sanada, it IS work, but you can do it, your smart Sanada, you have a lot of depth and deserve to you. This is just fear Sanada, nothing more. You have to find a way to pick up your studies and push forward, embrace it as a path and forget about the path that wasn't pleasant.

You can do it Sanada.

Open Eyes

[Sanada]

Thank you HappyGuy, Thank you Openeyes.
Both of you are right, I need to challenge concepts and expectations. I know I do have a lot to offer 'open'.
Its so hard and very tough though. My subjective 'self' is just that 'subjective', I need to see the objective. That is what you both have shown me with you're replys (thank you so very much). I will try, I will pick myself through myself to see what I can offer. Like unwrapping a tapestry (only to re-thread it again, but better).
With you're support I'll achieve that.

I do need help though. My best times at the moment is when I sleep and dream. Nightmares or fantastic trips in fantasy in sleep seems better than real life. I place my dreams in stories that I try to make in to scripts, I may as well make something out of a lucid dream.
I do need help though.
Waking alone is the worst nightmare I have ever had (I used to be able to deal with it OK, waking alone). I have moved my bed next to the heater to 'simulate' the warmth of human touch or presence (I know that may seem sad to some people).
My nightmare is it will be like this for the rest of my life (and I am still kinda young).

It seems now that days have become years, years have become lifetimes (but logic tells me that it just 'seems' that way).

Thank You.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Open Eyes]

I like the way you put that, just know that I hear you and in my own way I am trying to remake that tapestry too. But make sure you keep the beauty of that old tapestry that perhaps just has some holes to fill.

I can totally relate to the heater and the warmth. Did you know that helps to relax us? I used heat a lot over the years, even at night when I wake up shivering, not from the cold but from nerves and stress.

I can also relate to those dreams Sanada, I used to do that all the time when I was growing up. I haven't been able to do that for over 4 years now, just the constant fear of remembering things I saw that were so upsetting in my sleep frightens me.
I am a very lucid dreamer and dream in great detail and in color too. I was amazed at where my dreams could take me. You must be very artistic in some way.

We are here Sanada, a key stroke away, and we are cheering you on and letting you know that your not as alone as you may think.

Anytime you need to talk, you know where to come.

Open Eyes

[Sanada]

Thank you OpenEyes.

You have been a great help for support when I have needed it. You you're self have ways of saying things that make sense and work when thought through.
Yep Yep, lucid dreaming is great fun. Its something that's been going on since childhood. I don't know what I would do without my dreams (I talk to my T about dreaming, and we both agree that dreaming is a form of the mind 'clearing' up, or like communicating to itself).

You said I maybe artistic....lol. On the C.G.Jung scales (or the MBTI), I come out as an ESFP.
On the enneagram scale I am a type 4.

Thank you for the replies, I hope I can return words of wisdom back when you need them to.

Take Good Care.

[gma45]

Hope today was a better day! I know how that lonely feels. I do not enjoy it! You talked about the heater, Well......I bought a big body pillow that I sleep with!