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Old Jul 05, 2011, 12:19 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Well this is the first time I have wanted to start a thread.

I have really been at a point where I have stopped and taken a real look at my life so far as a whole.

I have this mood that doesn't seem to change and it has been one of my goals to change it. Well, the more I see, the more I see and the more I get frustrated.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I have been working on trying to understand this diagnosis. And I have learned all the lingo that goes along with this diagnosis. Oh let me see, my discovery so far has been that of understanding that all these so called tramatic things that I have lived through some how all got stuck together with one big event that truely effected all that I had done to get beyond all the miserable or unfair history that I had lived through. And with that I experienced Flashbacks, shock, lack of sleep, confusion, triggers, terrible anxiety, some type of depression that seems to come and go and a loss of direction and ability to continue doing things that I used to enjoy. And there is a lot of anger about trying to understand it and dealing with it and even explaining it to others. And I have stopped to figure out why this did happen and why I am having so much trouble with it. So there is a great deal of FRUSTRATION that comes from all this history and how it all came together to this disabling feeling. I could write a book that entails CSA, dealing with an Alcoholic husband, infedelity, among some things I managed to climb through.

Now I just spent this weekend living around the fact that I have neighbors that are so unpredictable that I now have to stay home every July 4 holiday and make sure that I am not somehow effected by whatever it is they seem to need to do that may affect my horses and ponies. And I deeply resent those feelings and I wonder if I am somehow projecting due to what I have already suffered due to their lack of respect no matter what I try to do. And I think about how so far since they have moved in I have repeatedly had to address their need to contain their dogs and understand the boundaries of my property and all the different ways I have used everything I can think of to maintain that boundary which includes calling the police and dog warden etc.

Well, though I tried every way I could think of, I have continued to pay for all their neglect to respect the boundaries I have set and are also clearly marked by cement boundary markers. I have had to address so much damage due to their negligence that my life now is all about just that. I have lost so much, animals, business, disrupted my family, along with my own sense of mental balance. And my financial position is of trying to continue to pay on the extreme debt that has accumulated as a direct result from damage caused by my neighbor's negligence.

I have been in a psychward, not very nice. I have tried to get therapy, and that tossed me around financially and psychologically and I am in a lawsuit with an aging attorney that cant remember and even though I have tried to address that I am told that no other attorney wants to take on a case that is so far along. Everyone I contact knows my once very successful attorney. And even though I clearly see my attorney's forgetfulness as I show up for an appointment that he cannot remember making and why he made it. Now two cancelled depositions which he never informed me were on that schedule of his until he cancels them, oh, and he just assumed I knew. And when I do address this it somehow is my imagination. No one wants to hear it or address it or believe it and it is apparant to me that that too is all in my lap. I have to say that I do not know what to do. I suppose I could meet with him and discuss it, but will he recognise it honestly, or will he even remember discussing it?
I know is I don't do something I will be paying for all of this for the rest of my existance. Or it may, infact, be the cause of some real physical breakdown due to the ongoing stress of it. But I am trying to remain calm, I just don't know what to do yet.

Fourth of July Weekend.
So I try to make the best of my weekend inspite of all this. I didn't really enjoy myself this weekend, I just wanted to get through it. My husband doesn't really want to talk about it and last night we decided to just order Chinese and take it easy. I reminded my husband that when he orders the Chinese dinner to make sure they dont load it up with celery as they always do, and I repeated that three or four times. When he left to go pick it up I reminded him again. He brings home the bag with the meals in it and I open the bag to pull out my dinner and it is loaded with mostly celery. I try to eat it and my husband wants to now ignore it and I am angry, but trying not to let it bother me. I am mad and I call the chinese restaurant and complain. They deny there is any celery as I am staring at the dinner loaded with celery. I did want to get in my car and take the dinner and throw it in their face. But I didn't, usually I would make it a point, but I didn't. But I do have it in my fridge, I may go and do it today. I do want to add that this weekend entailed that my neighbors had their clan over and shot off fireworks on Saturday night, the 2nd of July. I had my horses out not expecting that they would do that, ofcourse, and I could not do anything but stroll around my horses/ponies while they were very upset about the loud fireworks going off right next to them. I couldn't put them all in because I could not predict when the next fireworks would go off and it would have been too dangerous to handle them in that atmosphere. I also got up the next morning to animals that were still shaken up.
I went to put them in because there was rain storms coming. As I went to get them I noticed softball sized rocks in some of the paddocks that had somehow gotten there during the night while I had finally gone to bed an slept. It did give a meaning to a stones throw away. And I already knew it would have been pointless to call the police as the neighbor just denies anything occured and that I am just a crazy lady again imagining things. Been there done that.

I get up this morning and rush around to make a scheduled appointment with my T. I didn't want to have a morning appointment as mornings are hard for me with all the work and I am somewhat hung over from my meds that help me sleep. I did talk about this in our last meeting but because it was the only appointment he had this week I agreed to make the extra effort to make it.

This morning I get up and push myself to make the attempt I fight through traffic and get to my T's. It is very quiet and no T. I wait for about 1/2 hour and finally knock on his door and he answers telling me he forgot my appointment and was in with someone else. Now I am suppose to smile and kindly accept his appology for forgetting while I just spent my morning running around and a fight through traffic and wasted gas, not his problem MINE. And it actually lends to me feeling that I am just not important enough for him to remember either am I?

Now I realize that I have to do the work to getting better. But why on earth do I have to continue to do everyone elses work too? I am beginning to wonder if anyone, anywhere, can really do their job.

So, just thought I would share the fact that I am still very frustrated.

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jul 05, 2011 at 01:01 PM.
Thanks for this!
pachyderm

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  #2  
Old Jul 05, 2011, 12:47 PM
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Sanada Sanada is offline
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Hi open eyes. Sorry you are going through a hard time. It seems like you should step back from you're problems and look at you're self. You dont want to get high blood pressure because of others making mistakes. You're neighbours disrespecting you're land and allowing their dogs to run wild and disrupting you're farm and property is something best taken care of by some lawyer. It seems that you need a new one, I'd sack the one I was with if going to see him and he cannot remember you're case.
As for you're T, I'd also get a new one too, if you're T does'nt remember you have an appointment with him/her again I would look else where for better services.
Try to be more positive, if food comes from a take away and its the wrong order, go back 'calmly', and show them they got it wrong. Please dont throw it in their faces; you can get arrested for that and you dont want that.

Try to look at all whats going wrong and take one problem at a time. Look after you're self, its you thats the victim here, but to solve the problems you have to be calm about it. Again; one thing at a time. As for you're hubby, he's probably not understanding whats happening, that does not mean he does not love you.

Again like i say, problems are best delt with one at a time, think clearly on how to solve them. Write them down in order of how they affect you. Be clear in you're decisions. Write down how to solve them, and again be clear in how it affects you and you're life.
You can get through this open, its just a matter of perception. Think of you're own well being and be calm when something goes wrong. High blood pressure comes from being angry.

I hope this helps
Take care.
Sanada.
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Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
  #3  
Old Jul 05, 2011, 12:51 PM
Anonymous32982
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Hiya Open Eyes!

Thank you for posting. Given what you've been through it is understandable that you'd be frustrated. I don't have much feedback apart from validating your feelings, as I'm going through a lot myself and have limited energy. But, I am thinking about you and wishing you the best.

Love and Hugs,
Tara
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
  #4  
Old Jul 05, 2011, 02:04 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Well, thank you so far. Sanada, I have been working on each thing separately, one thing at a time. I have all these puzzles around me and I try to work on one at a time. I wouldn't really throw the food, although I want to emotionally, I would handle it differently.

I have been doing nothing but trying to address one issue at a time. And I do have more issues in my lap than I can really handle all at once. My thread is more about the ongoing frustration that even though I have tried to separate everything and remain calm, well, it keeps lumping together somehow. And I really try hard to control my thoughts and feelings and even make efforts to try to control the anxiety attacks that often seem to come from no where. I have come to realize that by addressing the various issues, even seperately, it seems to build up in me without my really realizing it.

Everyone has the same response, hire a new lawyer. If only it was that easy. I have called around and investigated that and I get the same reply. None of them want to take my case on because I am three years into the case. And, they all know who my attorney is, he was very successful and he is 78 years old. So what they are looking at is the man that was, not the one that is. And I have also realized that there is a type of loyalty these attornies build amongst themselves. Now, I can understand this and why it would be that way. But that doesn't help me. In fact I realize that I am only hurting myself and whatever relationship I may have with my attorney as I feel that all I am doing is practicing in some type of gossip. I don't want to do that, that is not productive. It is a damed if I do, damed if I don't situation. In fact, that is also what I deal with in my ongoing situation with my neighbor. It is so bazaar to me and I know that I cant run and hide, I have to deal with this and get through it. I just havent been able to come up with a solution.

It has been so strange, my husband see that I struggle but he has no answers. He gets frustrated and he even adds to it. I have accepted the fact that all of this is in my lap and I have no choice but to continue to address it all. I get it. My anxiety level has decreased with the acceptance of the FACTS. But I still don't know how to resolve the issues yet. I have been working on it each aspect of it separately including the way I react to these issues. PC has been great for that because it really takes my mind off of constantly trying to resolve it.

And get a new T? Oh, finding this one has taken a lot of time and this one, along with others has already told me that I missed my calling, I should have been a T.
My husband constantly tells me I am just too smart. And quite frankly I dont find that comforting at all. I am not one to just give in or give up, I have always been a fighter and worked hard at life. I certainly don't lack for back bone, I just had more than I could handle come to my table. And if I am so dam smart like everyone tells me, why can't I fix my situation?

No, I am pretty stubborn and I am not going to let this neighbor get the best of me.
Dealing with my lawyer? I just don't know, I can see how he is somewhat protected and I often feel like I am the only one that stands up and talks. As far as the feelers I have put out, the quiet suggestions are to try to continue with my case working with this attorney. In other words dear, just make the best of it and understand that no one else is going to want to deal with it. And there it is in a nut shell, story of my life, try and make the best of it dear because no one else wants to address it.
And actually in my last therapy session my therapist mentioned that life is not fair and thats just the way it is. So if I let him teach me breathing exercises and poke my ear with some method that proves to reduce stess, thats my therapy. LOL

It is funny how my husband tells me that I over think things, I seem to expect bad things to happen. And yet he clearly sees that when I order a dam dinner and make every effort to state what not to do? Well, he sees that my attempts are futile.
It is so bazaar to me that I state things that seem to happen, I make every attempt to prevent these things from happening and they still happen and then no one wants to address it. But it ends up in my lap and I am left holding the bag. The funny thing to me is that everyone sees I am right and they run and I am left holding the preverbial bag. I find myself saying I see this and I see that and I feel this person is this and that and no one wants to believe me. And then everything unfolds just as I have said they would and everyone walks away. And I just hear that statement, "your just too smart". How about someone else being just to smart?

I am not giving up, I realize that I have to find my way through this, I HAVE TO DO THE WORK, I get it. I can certainly handle the dinner and bring it back, but the point is, I should have never had to do that to begin with, I certainly made it a point to state what, how and why in the first place and I was adamate about it.

Open Eyes
Thanks for this!
pachyderm
  #5  
Old Jul 06, 2011, 09:46 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((Open Eyes)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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  #6  
Old Jul 06, 2011, 01:50 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Thank you pachyderm for that hug.

Well, I did take the chinese dinner back and had a discussion about the difference between Chinese vegetables and celery. And I also mentioned that fact that the pork itself had a bad after taste and I have ordered that same dish enough times to know the difference. I did get my money back in exchange for the meal that was clearly loaded with an undetermined vegetable that tastes and looks just like celery.

And to my surprise when I got in the car my husband put out his hand for the money.
He was perfectly willing to throw the dinner out and didn't like the fact that I wanted to address it. So he failed to check the meal at the restaurant, I had to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and took the time to address the meal and he should get the money? So he bought me a dinner didn't check it out and he ate his dinner, I didn't and he gets the money back. A bit of difference in reasoning there don't you think?

But this one is better. I had mentioned that I went to my T appointment and waited for 1/2 hour. I finally knocked on the door and he told me he forgot and he was sorry and he would call to reschedule.

Ok, he just left a message that he never scheduled an appointment (I clearly remembered we did and he acknowleged that yesterday) but now his story is changed. He told me that it was agreed that we take a week off and I clearly remember stating that I didn't want to do that and I would do my best to make that morning appointment. In the message on my machine he says that we scheduled an appointment for next week at 2pm. Well we didn't. And I would call this adding insult to injury. Especially seeing that one of my main issues is lack of trust for therapists and addressing many lies in my past. He had already admitted the truth and why on earth would he then lie? Yes, I already felt abandoned or insignifcant when he admitted that he forgot. Now what is this suppose to do to help me? I think it is more about helping himself. And even if I go and address this I know exactly what is going to happen, he is going to put the blame on me and that it was me that misunderstood him. I can't even begin to state the number of times that has been thrown at me in my past. Oh, I especially like the one where I was injured in a colonoscopy and they insisted I must have been in a car accident. What is so dam difficult about just being honest?

Now I know that I made that appointment because I tried to find ways to prepare myself for taking my meds earlier so that I could actually make that appointment and I told my husband that it was important that I didn't forget my appointment. It was more of a self reminder as I knew it was going to be a long weekend and you already know about the whole weekend.

And now I don't even want to go and see this therapist because I can't point out that he just did something that I need to figure out how to stop from happening.
You know this is not funny because my last therapist was an admitted recovering herion addict who habitually lied and admitted having narcisistice tendencies. And my new therapist has already been informed of this. And one of the issues I really wanted to work on was how to deal with my attorney and how to address the fact that he cant remember and I really need to have someone that can truely remember enough to see me through this lawsuit that is all about dealing with another person who was admittedly negligent and now is also lieing.

And to be honest, my attorney makes mistakes, forgets and also lies about that and I am left wondering what to think. I have had two depositions scheduled and was not informed of either. Oh perhaps I could talk to the now separating partner and address the fact that she informed me that the deposition was on the schedule and that I should be getting notified any day, perhaps the notification was already in the mail. No, it never came, and if I try to meet with her, what is she going to do? How about taking a guess? Do you honestly think that she is going to admit that my attorney did not inform me properly? Oh, thats right justice is blind and truth must be blind too and I really feel like I have to equip myself with a recording machine.
How bad is that? And I know I have every reason to be hypervigillant lets just add some more reasons to it right?

I know that I am just venting here but I would actually like to live MY LIFE and not have to ARRANGE MY LIFE AROUND SO MANY LIES. Why couldn't my therapist just stay with the truth, why did he feel it was necessary to lie? Is there actually a human being that I can sit across from that is HONEST and has no PROBLEM BEING HONEST? This is really CREEPY.

Open Eyes
  #7  
Old Jul 06, 2011, 05:01 PM
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My thoughts about ANGER and DEPRESSION and ANXIETY and an UNAWARENESS of how we often facilitate it UNKNOWINGLY

My last visit was very interesting with my therapist.

I had thought that I might learn something from this man as he had grown up in the world of treating mentally ill patients. And he talked about a lot of books that discuss things that I brought up and how I view these different aspects. And then I felt empty as I had never read the books but knew it anyway. And then I was reminded of what happened when I read the workbook for PTSD. I was reading methods that I had used all my life and by reading about the methods it opened some proverbial door that lent to flashbacks that I could not understand. And I still don't understand why that happened, I did know my past but I would know it differently now, I would know it by remembering how I UNKNOWINGLY dealt with the stress from it.

So I have been trying to consciously understand why I have flashbacks. I have managed to cut out much of the flashbacking by a determination to get there first and address it. And so far it has worked. And I am also working on figuring out how stress unconsciously builds up to a point where someone is left riddled and in pain. And so far I have been gaining, it is a work of self awareness and really addressing each little event that accumulates stress without real knowledge. It is a mindfulness that I have never tried before and most people do not know how to do it either. The task of doing the work has to be understood in order to truely gain a better sense of self and how to consciously be aware of the WHYS. It is not just about what to do when an anxiety attack happens, it is more about consciously working against anxiety build up to begin with. It is not being or concentrating on each moment when it happens but to have a more mindfulness way of preventing that from moment to moment. It is a conscious effort to retrain the brain to not allow for this build up that somehow one has unknowingly allowed to happen.

And I think about the statement that depression is anger taken inward. Well we may not consciously know where to put it or relieve it so we hold it in and that wouldn't be healthy now would it? I think we often do it unintentionally, I know I do it. We may call it self control but is it? It is said that one cannot be forced to extinguish depression by just trying to think good thoughts. Well, if one is storing anger I would think that being able to think good thoughts already overwhelmed with a storage of anger could not really be possible. Anger is the one emotion that is the most exhausting emotion, most destructive as well, even self destructive. I would think that many intelligent people would have more trouble releasing anger. Perhaps that is why they say ignorance is bliss.

I wonder if the people who are stuck in depression harbor too much anger and that is why they are stuck in depression. Or depending on the days events anger like stress could be building up leading one to become overwhelmed with exhaustion. I think it could be the same as a build up of anxiety that leads to the body experiencing it in what we call an anxiety attack. I have a feeling that we store emotions, perhaps even in some ways learn to store them without ever learning how to release them. And I think that perhaps we can develope these issues as we grow up in an environnment where our parents never allowed us to express anger or they quickly shut off fear or even tell a child/us to stop crying and being a baby. They unintentionally teach a child/us to hold in emotions. But there are other ways this can happen in childhood as well but what ever environment the child developes in, holding in emotions is learned and becomes something done unconsciously.

So because many parents try to teach restraint and often teach how to hang on to it as a sort of self control than we must devise a therapy to do the reverse. A therapy that would allow one to learn how to let anger out and address it just as addressing past traumas. Therefore on a conscious level one could actually learn how to release anger in a healthy way and make room for positive happy feelings.

I would think that may be why antidepressants may not always work. Perhaps the placebo effect is learning how to release enough anger subconsciously and one does begin to feel release and even possible room for pleasure. But it will not work long term unless one truely learns how to release anger instead of trying to control it and hold it inward.

I have been very angry and I vented that here. NO replies or solutions, but the anger was infact released outward. Well I am allowed to do this because it is accepted here and I am a woman.
But I have noticed that when men can come here anonymously and do the same, they to feel better. But they are not consciously aware of WHY. It is often sad to me when a political thread is closed, especially if men express some anger and then they read and express more anger. And I am willing to bet that they feel some relief in that process and don't truely realize what that means. They may not be athletic or interacting in sports but they can release anger by a good old debate of witts. They don't realize it but as they release the anger, the brain actually wakes up as it releases that anger. So it is actually sad when a political debate closes down in not realizing that it is very therapudic. It should be truely considered as a type of therapy. Especially for the intellectual mind that may habor anger and is in great need for a release. A release can be accomplished by engagement of intellectual debate actually providing an avenue for the release of anger, a very theraputic avenue. And I think that needs to be taken into consideration more at PC.

I truely feel that the brain is very capable of repair. But the secret is that one has to be made more consciously aware of how they allow themselves unknowingly to hold emotions in. Especially men as they are often encouraged in self control and thinking that it is a sign of growth maturity and intelligence. Perhaps that is why often they like to watch violence more than women. Men may actually be able to release anger by watching it displayed. Women tend not to want to do that as it is much more acceptable for a woman to display emotion and violence only brings on emotions whereas it releases it in men. I also think that men who release anger by interacting in sports may fair better emotionally as they have an outlet to express the build up of anger and frustration. I also think that men who display a true pleasure in partaking in watching sports also get to release anger and feel healthier mentally.

See how I think? My husband tells me I go so deep he cannot possibly follow. But I do go deep, always have. But by going deep I do come up with some good ideas and possible ways to analyze how to consciously focus on psychological strain.

I am now curious if a man who experiences deep depression and struggles, what would be the true resolve? I do know women experience this as well. But my question is, is it because there is too much storage of anger that each person unknowingly trys to control inwardly and needs to learn methods of release? In order to experience pleasure one must have the ability to release anger. Perhaps anger in itself creates an interuption of the chemicals or firing in the brain that takes place during pleasure. It would make sense that this would occur and anger does interrupt pleasure as it is the opposite, great displeasure.

Something to think about for someone who suffers from depression, perhaps someone who exceeds in quiet self control, even someone who may bequite intelligent. Efforts can be made to obtain knowledge while anger is still there one can spend lengths of time gaining knowlege while still angry as we often learn from our great displeasures. So it is possible to learn and be angry at the same time. But it is not possible to be angry and happy at the same time. So the anger must be released, that must be learned. The unconscious hording of anger must be consciously recognized before one can learn healthy methods of release.

I also think that there is an interference with human interaction while holding onto anger. It would be much harder to control the anger that is being storred and maintain a pleasurable conversation as well. I do feel that people who hold onto anger without release can relate only about the tiresome feelings of depression in conversations, that too would have limitations of just moments of a common recognition of the feelings of exhaustion. But to enact feelings of pleasure would be difficult and limited. And while a depressed person can express empathy, the anger storred probably would limit one from displaying a positive resolution to a sad condition of another.
I truely think that depression could very well be a condition where the one who has it is overwhelmed with anger, thus cannot feel normal pleasure. The anger can even grow and cause one to be very tired as just by not being able to experience pleasure one unknowingly increases inward contained anger. " I am angry because I cant be happy", but what should be said is " I do not know how to release my anger and that prevents me from feeling happy"

So what I would suggest is if one can LEARN ways to express and RELEASE ANGER than it can free up the avenues for pleasure to take place in the brain. So, in fact, DO THE WORK takes on a whole new meaning. If DO THE WORK is working on controling anger, it wont work. DO THE WORK HAS TO BE ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO ADDRESS AND RELEASE THE ANGER.

So perhaps what happened in your past that made you hang on to so much anger that you are now overcome with depression.

I also wanted to add that FRUSTRATION IS A FORM OF ANGER.

Just some thoughts

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jul 06, 2011 at 07:10 PM.
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