Suggestions to answer a vague question I've been asked?

My dad is unhappy with how much money I've been spending (again) and in his email he said "I want an explanation, by return, of how you intend to complete your degree."

Just how am I meant to answer that??? He added, "Failing that you can return home on sunday by bus and justify your bank statement."

I don't intend to go home tomorrow and justify the money I've spent. In my opinion, it's on stuff I thought deserved spending money on, and I feel kind of resentful that he just doesn't leave me alone about it. This is my money, that I've earned, and I have a part-time holiday job to replace it. But I don't know how to explain that in the email either, without him taking offence in some way. Already I know that whatever answer I write won't satisfy him in some way or another. It means that tomorrow I'm going to have to stay out all day grr in case he decides to visit me and have things explained further.

Silver, is this YOUR bank account that he's speaking of? Is this mail that was sent to you that he opened, read and is now demanding a justification of?

I just wanted to know that before I put my thoughts here.

Thanks!

KD

If you are paying your own tuition and book money, then your father really doesn't have the right to demand an accounting of where and what you spend. Sometimes when parents foot the college bill they feel they have a right to your grade reports, your bank statements, your life. Its a "do as I say or the money is withdrawn". In such a situation you may need to think about how much your freedom means to you and how willing you are to answer financial demands made by your family.

I put myself through college - it took a long time to finish but I did finish. My father pulled the same stunt in that he demanded an accounting of every penny spent during a school quarter - and that money was mine. My family contributed NOTHING towards my tuition or living expenses. And yet, my father was demanding an accounting of expenses. But, I needed a place to stay during breaks and during summer break. And so I complied and provided a detailed list of my expenses. I hated every minute of the ordeal as it was humiliating to be treated in that manner. The following year I moved completely out of my parent's house and cut all financial ties. It was difficult but worth the price.

Good luck to you.

Wow, Peanuts....you did it on your own. How wonderful is that!!????

TGC

Silver Queen,

Sounds like your Dad is worried about your completing your degree. It seems that he may perceive your spending money somehow threatens that goal.

My father was so tight with my brother when he was in college, that I don't know how my brother survived the whole experience, but he did.

How about writing back something like, "i'm sorry you disagree with the amount I have chosen to spend this month. Do you expect me to limit my spending to a certain level each month?"

I don't know what gas and home fuel prices are where you live, but I'm pretty stressed out about these two expenses right now. Maybe your Dad is really more upset about these than your bank statement.

Wishing you and your Dad all the best this Christmas season.

Jane - Oz.

EJ711, that was a great post. I have to agree.

Yes Kimmy, it's my bank account, and yes, it's my mail that he opened. When I'm not at home, he opens my stuff. It sucks, but if say I asked him not to open my bank stuff he'd no doubt get suspicious and even more nosy...

I don't have to pay tuition because it is paid by my local education authority. He pays for my accommodation. I earn my spending money, which is to pay for my food as well.

I think he is worried about my degree, he wants me to get the highest grade and he is of the opinion that I am not motivated/ concerned about it because I don't enthuse about my work all the time...

And lol, I'm not writing back asking if he expects me to spend a certain amount because he will probably say yes, he does, and give me a limit...he's kind of controlling.

Sounds frustrating, Silver.

Silver wrote:

"it's on stuff I thought deserved spending money on... This is my money, that I've earned, and I have a part-time holiday job to replace it."

That's what you need to tell him. That should do it. I know he is unreasonable, but he must realise you not only need things, but that you deserve things.

Good luck. I'm here for you.

(((((((((((((( Silver Friend )))))))))))))))

Jan

Silver,

I can't answer whether that is the right email to send to your father or not. I wish that I could. Only you know inside of you what the possible consequence to the email could be, and if you can deal with them...if there would be any at all.

I do know that as my youngest is getting older, my husband is FREAKING OUT and watching her more closely than he did before. I think it might be a dad/little girl thing.

If you want to talk more via PM, send me one.

Love,

KD

I hope you're not suggesting that I replace with one line an email that I spent over an hour composing???

I don't want to be too short with him. I'm going home next week for the Christmas vacation, and besides, if I don't give any good explanations, he will probably drive down here to meet me personally to demand an explanation.

ok, but I basically just want to know if I'm overreaching myself with it? Kimmy, would you accept such a letter from your daughter if you received it, and what would you think of the paragraph in bold? I've never written such a letter before, and I'm not sure if I've crossed the line from explaining things to being lecturing and patronising.

Silver,

I think its a good letter. Its well writen. I dont think you are overreaching, but you know your father, and I dont. You probably have a better idea of how he would take it.

That question I can answer!

I would at first be defensive when I read it. Then I would re-read it and look at my actions and try to hear what she was saying to me. I think that's what I would do. However, I have to say that I would be defensive at first. That's assuming that I would ever get a letter like that. I wouldn't because I've not interfered to that degree. That's what I feel your father has done.

Now, I'd like to also add that I wouldn't do what your father has done with my daughters. In fact, I had one in college and couldn't tell you what went where and when, because it was her business. I would have assumed it my business if I was covering all those expenses. However, I wasn't. Your spending doesn't change what your father pays, is my point. Maybe you could bring that up? That was his agreement to you and your spending doesn't change his commitment or make further hardship on him.

Good luck!

KD

Hi Silver... what a situation to be in! Can you, yourself, read back over your intended email and edit it? Try and take out anything YOU wouldn't want as a response... and reword other items that you want to say but really don't want to rile him over.

This includes (going over) the paragraph in bold. Some of that is best discussed eye to eye, as it doesn't really address HIS problem right now, does it? I agree with others that only you know your father.. but if the communication gap has reached this point, maybe past responses haven't worked as well as you would have liked?

Information is good, and he might really want it. If you add comments like you have, he might think you are just passifying him ( ) Give him a plan for completing your degree only, if you can, and ignore the money issue altogether...unless he has told you YOU have to finish paying for your own education (or that will change soon.) I don't recall what year you are in, but if you haven't selected a major yet and you are passed the 2nd year, then he has reason to be concerned, if not... oh well.

Take care. Rethink what you are saying, save some of it for later.. you might have to be the adult here, you know? (((hugs)))

Sky, I'm not sure I entirely understand your point. My dad is, as I have said, controlling, and I never talk to him about such things because they are more than likely to upset me and anger him, and I get flustered and forget what I'm going to say and I totally forget my point. So, I have never discussed this with him other than by email, and that only once before.

Adding comments like I have are not just to passify him, but are to explain things I know he fears. The comments about the drink and drugs, I know he is afraid I am using them because he mentioned it in a previous email talking about my spending. And giving a plan for my degree is tough for me... my mind goes nlank when I think about it and I can't think of anything I would say. I'm in my first year, now, of a four-yr course.

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you might have to be the adult here, you know?

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I am not sure what you mean by this. Are you suggesting that my email is in some way juvenile? Because I have tried my best to write to him in an adult way, and explain things to him, but perhaps you can see some ways in which that is not so, eh?

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Sky. I just wish this wasn't so hard.

Isn't it illegal to open and read other people's mail??? My mom used to open my bank-mail and she too questioned my spending. I made a HUGE fuss about her opening my mail (i.e. breaking the law), and pronounced that I do not have to answer anything to her about this matter because of the way she found out. Kinda like when the police does an illegal search on someone's house, they can't use the evidence that's been found either

*little lawyer*

Ok, I sent it. I'm going to edit my post with the email in now so that I don't leave such personal info around on the forums. Thanks for everyone's comments, I hope it goes ok, and I'll keep you up to date with his reaction...

Oops, I just deleted my entire post, I meant for a trace of it to remain, even if it just said "deleted". Ah well...

Good luck ((((((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))))))))))

kd

Thanks (((((((((((((((( Kimmy ))))))))))))))))) and thanks for your views on it. I really appreciate it

Silver,

Yikes, your Dad is opening your mail!!! He's totally out of line!!! Just ignore anything he has to say about any information he gains through illegal actions (opening your mail).

Jane - Oz

Peanuts,
I admire you for putting yourself through college, and being strong enough to cut financial ties with your parents when you did.
Jane - Oz