[CrazyButSweet]

I know I'm depressed, no doubt, since I'm an untreatable depressive, but I'm not sure that's what causes this.

I can't make myself work. I work at home, and have the potential to make pretty good money. I keep putting off working until I am pressured by time and am paying bills late. Take this month. I should have PLENTY enough to pay next month's bills by now, but I will be late with rent and cable because I just cannot make myself work.

I get up every morning and say I'm going to kick some work out, I even set goals, but then I just sit here and do nothing but watch videos and play on forums.

I want to get caught up on my bills and get ahead, but I am so depressed about this, I am almost suicidal! This is the first time in a long time I haven't had a "real" job, and also the first time I've been completely on my own paying all my own bills with this new occupation.

I can't afford to go to a therapist, and the free clinics around here are pretty worthless. I am just scared that this self-destructiveness will put me out in the streets! I'm not young, and not well, so that would not be a good thing.

[SoupDragon]

I can relate to this - I have a hard time keeping up with bill payments. In the morings I have more energy and so try to do things then. I also try and set myself a realistic timetable with really small goals. I know it is hard - do you have a pdoc?

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, sweet.
your concerns are valid. i am sorry therapy and a pdoc are out of the question. it seems obvious you need professional help to help you. depression can not only distort our world but makes simple tasks almost impossible to do. i have severe depression but i'm on meds for it. it changed my life completely. not everyone needs meds but your description sounds like you may have deep depression too. it is too big of a task for you to move forward by yourself, imo.
hope you will keep posting. i'm sure others here may have alternative ways for you to deal with this. in my case i could not help myself all alone. i was diagnosed, saw a therapist regularly and my pdoc prescribed the meds to help me to function better.
this site may help you...http://www.ehow.com/how_4600876_deal...edication.html

[CrazyButSweet]

Thanks for the replies. No, I don't have a pdoc, can't afford one. Meds don't work for me. They have diagnosed me finally as "untreatable" because none of the meds work very long, some make me psychotic, and some make me suicidal. The docs say it's not worth the risk to put me back on meds. Wellbutrin worked for awhile, but now they won't give it to me because they say it's dangerous. It pretty much zoned me out anyway...I didn't even care about things I should care about. A lot of the meds give me a seriously flat affect, where I can't even be happy or sad.

I managed to do some work yesterday, but not as much as I needed to. I'm trying again today, and will just work until I drop. I was still working at 9:30 last night, but my brain finally just wouldn't function anymore, so I quit.

I'm finding that coconut oil gives me some energy and clears my brain some, so I'm using that. Hopefully, just getting into the habit of working even a little every day will help me make it a routine thing. I'm going to start tomorrow setting the alarm and acting like I'm going to a real job. Maybe I just need to train my brain to go to work, right?

[Gently1]

patterns that become habits can go a long way...I have a list of basic morning activities in my bathroom, so if I have trouble getting out of bed, I just say 'List' and I can get up and my teeth get brushed etc.

My work is to get better, and I use a timer, 15mins it is amazing how much I do in 15 or lower energy days 5 min.

the source of my inspiration is www.flylady.net

I think part of what is slowing my healing is that I too work until I drop.

Even with built in pacing if I get a hint of energy old patterns quickly appear and I have to notice when this happens to prevent flare-ups in my depression. Following the chronic pain model, I try to keep my 'activties' between a min and max. Exceeding the limits one day can set me back days.
Self care in this way does go a long way, hope you find more help here at PC.

[CrazyButSweet]

Originally Posted by Gently1

patterns that become habits can go a long way...I have a list of basic morning activities in my bathroom, so if I have trouble getting out of bed, I just say 'List' and I can get up and my teeth get brushed etc.

My work is to get better, and I use a timer, 15mins it is amazing how much I do in 15 or lower energy days 5 min.

the source of my inspiration is www.flylady.net

I think part of what is slowing my healing is that I too work until I drop.

Even with built in pacing if I get a hint of energy old patterns quickly appear and I have to notice when this happens to prevent flare-ups in my depression. Following the chronic pain model, I try to keep my 'activties' between a min and max. Exceeding the limits one day can set me back days.
Self care in this way does go a long way, hope you find more help here at PC.

I have the same problems. If I do too much, I am good for nothing for days. Most days, I have to accept that I can't do anymore and quit, like today my arm just hurt so bad I couldn't type anymore, and I had so much more to do.

I found this timer program called Pomodairo which you can set to work and break times. I find that a 45/15 setting with a long break every four sessions works well for me. I work my tail off for 45 minutes, then do something relaxing or just switch up activities for 15 minutes, do that 4 times, then take an hour break. It really makes me more productive, and doesn't give me much time to get depressed.