assertiveness and work issues

I have posted a couple times on here, but I am so shy it's a little intimidating to participate in conversations here. I will try to be a more active participant in this thread.

Does anyone have any tips or resources for learning to be more assertive? I have a bad tendency to avoid confrontation, much to my detriment. I let people take advantage of me because the alternative of speaking up for myself is just that frightening. I have to call my manager (we don't have a central work location or offices but work at different job sites, so it has to be a phone call unfortunately; those are the worst for me) to return her calls as to why I did not show up for work this morning (long story short, it was a last minute add to my schedule and I worked from 7am-2am yesterday so did not see it; schedules are posted online), and I also plan to quit my job when I talk to her. I am terrified at having to do this. If anyone is interested in reading the whole situation keep reading. Otherwise, I hope someone can give me advice on being assertive, and how to approach conversations like this.
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I have some major issues with my work, mostly related to how they handle scheduling. I have pretty much decided to leave the job. No, I don't have another one lined up. But I do see how this job is costing me (in terms of health and sanity, and my ability to work towards a career since this is a stop-gap job) more than I am earning. I even have my husband's full support of my decision, especially after I told him what happened this week.

Basically, I missed my shift this morning. They are always adding stuff to the schedule which we have to check online every day, and expecting us to be able to work with a day or two's notice, and shifts are 7 days a week around the clock. I worked a double yesterday and had checked my schedule in the morning before I left - no shifts for this morning. I went straight to bed when I got home at 2am and didn't check the schedule. It wasn't until I woke up late this morning and had missed phone calls/voicemails and checked my schedule that I saw I was supposed to work this morning. I have had perfect attendance up until today (not that it matters, but I'm saying that I take the job seriously and have made every effort to do what they ask of me, but apparently that's not enough).

Like I said above, I am horrible at being assertive, and at having conversations that could be in anyway confrontational or adversarial. Really horrible. I have to give my manager a call today, she is waiting for me to call back. I imagine she wants to talk to me about missing work. I really believe that it was unreasonable of them to expect me to know that I was working this morning or to work a triple shift.

But this knowledge that I am "right" is not enough for me to feel any confidence about having to talk to her about it. I am also scared about quitting my job when I call. I have a horrible pattern of just stopping going to work when I leave a job (I have done this for two jobs now), mostly because of the confrontation thing - I am really avoidant of things that I am scared of especially when it involves having to have a conversation with people. It's a pattern I need to change.

Thanks for reading. I'm really hoping to resolve this in a good way - good as in positive for me addressing my personal shortcomings, and not falling into old behaviors. My last therapist used to say that "behaviors follow thoughts"; basically, that I would have to start behaving as though I value myself (by being assertive and not letting others take advantage of me) before I would start to feel and think that that was true, if it makes any sense; it made sense to me when she told it to me.

Call her, that you are sorry that it was not yesterday there. You can be sorry and to know that it is not your mistake.

By the way I really read with understanding it. It is not about your mistake or assertive behaviour. It is about mistakes of our bosses. The boss should apologize because they did not let you know early.

Hello, mistica.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...king-your-mind

Of course they should apologize. I guess that is another symptom of my not having much confidence, or self esteem for that matter. My post may have come out like I thought I did something wrong.

My issue is that even though I know that I am being reasonable and they are not, I'm still petrified at having to talk to them about it. It makes no sense, it's not rational. Unfortunately, recognizing this hasn't helped me to not be scared of confrontation. This is why I wish I was more assertive, so that I could confidently (and calmly, without dissolving into tears or something) let them know that they were in the wrong.

Thanks for reading and affirming that I had no realistic way of knowing or being able to work. Even though I said I know it was their mistake, it helps me to know that someone else sees it that way too. (My husband thought they were crazy when I told him and pretty much suggested me quitting before I went there - this is kind of a last straw thing among previous incidents.) I actually don't think they will apologize because the whole last minute schedule changes thing and double-triple-quadruple shift scheduling is standard operating procedure for them.

Mistica - my wife went thru this exact same thing this past summer. She had gotten laid off last year, and finally found a job. They low balled her because they knew she was desperate, but it was a job and she took it.

They took her to training and it was horrible. She kept thinking it would get better but it didnt. So a month in, she quit. I supported her in her decision, and I am happy to read your husband supports you too. It's just not worth it being in a crappy job that probably costs you more in the long run.

Now for the assertive part, some people's personalities are just that they will never be assertive. But the only advice that I maybe able to give you is take some classes that help you be more assertive, even something like toastmasters public speaking may help. I work in a environment where my co-workers thing they're the most special human beings on the face of the earth and how dare you not bow down to them when you want to have a regular conversation. So to me, my controlled inner anger makes me more assertive, but for me it is hard as well.

Good luck and just go in there and be assertive. It's like riding a bike, once you get to do it, then it'll become natural.

CBT can really help with anxiety, especially social anxiety. I'm really shy and have trouble standing up for myself too. But this summer I took a 12 week CBT course for social phobia and it helped me a lot.

--splitimage

That CBT course sounds just like what I could use. I am supposed to start therapy with a new counselor and I think she is CBT trained....shyness and social anxiety is definitely something I want to work on in the therapy. Maybe she will have techniques for learning to be assertive and managing the anxiety I feel in situations like this.

I agree that some jobs are not worth it, even in this economy. I had had the job for just over 2 months, and was also unemployed and desperately wanting a job prior to that. Considering that I wasn't making much, was really stressed out, and that I am going back to school and trying to work on skills to help with my career in the future and my job schedule was making it hard to do all of those things, I don't think it was worth it. I am fortunate that I am able to make that choice, and I don't take that for granted at all.

One thing I discovered is that when I stood up for myself with some people they turned mean and nasty and some even went so far as to be vindictive. But, the majority of people I've approached as if I thought of myself as decent and that I was deserving of decent treatment actually treated me decently. Your boss may have been concerned about your well-being; you don't want to borrow trouble by assuming all people (or most) will be mean to you. In fact, I now approach people with the attitude that they WILL be nice to me. Very few let me down. And anyone who is mean to you should be addressed firmly but calmly. If you want to quit your job, call your boss and say "I want to turn in my resignation, and I thought you should know that the reason I am quitting is that I find the uncertainty of the scheduling to be too much of a problem for me." You could go on to cite the snafu with the triple shift as an example of how that kind of scheduling just won't work for you.