I don't Care About People Anymore

Ever since a breakup almost 2 years ago a part of me feels dead inside.

Like, I can't care about people anymore. I mean, I have tried but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I can say I love a person, and then feel fine two days later after we break up. I cannot form longlasting bonds with people anymore (this isn't just limited to romantic interests) and people seem to drift in and out of my life, and I don't care.

I know that isn't how it should be. I tried telling my best friend how I felt, and it upset her and she took it to mean that I had lied to her about caring about her throughout our entire friendship. Then she left and I haven't heard from her since.

This feeling of deadness, blankness, a wall if you will, feels like something that has become a part of my personality. It's not offensive, more defensive. Maybe it's neither offensive or defensive, it just is.

Could anyone offer me any insight into this?

((SophiaG)) - I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I can relate to how you feel because I was deeply hurt in my relationship. I'm familiar with a few reasons why you would end up feeling like this. Deep hurt from a relationship can make a person doubt or trust anyone again, so they put up this wall to protect themselves from any future hurt. You can't trust because you don't want to be vulnerable again.

Depression can also cause apathy towards others. In order to feel positive emotions, you need to be in a good place emotionally. If you're feeling very down, the depression blocks all those good emotions. If a person feels betrayed numerous times, they end up thinking why should I bother to care if I'm just going to get hurt. Sounds like its a protective mechanism. I hope it gets better for you SophiaG

I understand the despair and defensiveness. Attachment always carries the risk of loss and pain.
Go gently with yourself.

In the past, when rejection was frequent, I decided to stop seeking relationships. I postulated if I sat on the floor, I could not fall down.

My postulation worked quite well. Now I live in relative isolation. While I am lonely at times, I believe I was born with an existential void. Being lonely, at times, therefore, is inconsequential.

Hello, SophiaG! My experience of depression is characterized in part by "emotional blunting" or "blunted affect." Those are topics you might investigate.

I took psych meds most of my life and know just how you feel. I discovered recently that my disconnection was created by learning to deal with being invisible. Breaking up is so painful that I don't even think I can address it as a problem. It is a defense I used to deny the hatred I felt for myself. I never made myself any promises and got just what I thought I needed. I am here to tell you that I had to learn to apologize to myself but not for myself. We all do the best we can and advice comes cheap and it is in many ways very destructive because advice usually comes from people who have a different perception about what the person is asking. Hard for the blind to lead the blind. A good counselor does not very often give advice and usually does not take any measure of credit for the patient's progress. The good ones try to help their patient to own the responsibility for their success. I found such a counselor and it took me most of my life to find her. She is a God-send. It is especially hard to learn to seek your own counsel but despite of what you feel, in the end, it IS ALL UP TO YOU. I AM 64 AND IT TOOK ALL OF MY LIFE TO GET WHERE I AM. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I SAID THAT I WOULD NOT WISH THE MEMORIES OF MY LIFE ON MY OWN WORTS ENEMY. After I said that, I realized that that was exactly what I had done because I realized at that moment that I was mo own worst enemy. Now I finally feel that I am my own best friend. Bless you for your courage. I would like to leave thinking that I have passed a little wisdom forward. I wait for your reply.

It sounds like a defence mech. You are feeling that you cannot form a lasting relationship with anybody, you put up walls.
From what you said though you still want to be close to people in life. That tells me that you have the desire still inside. Healing from being hurt takes time, but if you feel the need to re-build the emotional bridge; that is a good sign.

It's interesting because I have had just the opposite situation in my life. I finally left my husband after 33 years & no friends & moved 2100 miles away to where I knew NO ONE. My depression starting in 1994 when I lost my career & what social life I had there playing racquettball with the guys at lunch & some of the activities we had at work....but those people were just acquaintances.....not friends & no where I was did I really have REAL friends.

So I move to where I knew NO ONE & I have met the most wonderful people & have more different groups of friends, both in my church, in a wonderful Bible Study that I go to in another little town, & several different riding groups that I am involved with. I have several close friends. We call each other to see if the other is ok & we support & help each other whenever they need it.

Not being used to having friends & people saying they will be glad to help but never put action to their words has been quite a shock to have wonderful neighbors & friends who are there to help & I am there to help them. I really love living alone, but I also really appreciate the wonderful friends who I can call to check on how they are & they do the same for me. One huge surprise was just after I fractured my back this year & could't use my lawn tractor to mow. I came home after visiting a friend & wow, my lawn was mowed. Several of my other friends mentioned what my lawn fairy looked like, so I ended up knowing which friend was so wonderfully kind. Have helped my friends clean up getting into their new homes & move, also I'm good at all the electronic stuff, so end up helping with all the technical things that need hooked up......& hauling horses when they need to get them someplace. I am the internet interface for one of our riding groups & keep everyone up to date on things that are happening.

I was so surprised at how life turned out when I moved so far away & where I didn't know anyone. It was almost like getting a fresh start on life.....a chance to write it as a new book. I had no preconceived ideas but I was just there & others were just there & we just connected.

It was strange because it was almost a 100% change in my life.....but I am also happier. There just wasn't anyone that I could relate to where I lived before & I was so caught in all the bad things that happened & the bad life & anger I was feeling.....until I could let go & leave it, there was no way to change the way my life was going or the people who were in it. I do love the fresh start. They say that even when you move, you can't leave your past behind, but I think is some sense, you can. I still get triggers from the trauma I went through & triggers that bring up memories of the anger I felt for my husband, but they are NO LONGER PART OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE, so I am not living them every day, only when a trigger hits.

I think maybe you just haven't found people who have the same interests as you. I can guarantee, I would never be interested in finding another person to get married to.....having good friends is 100% better than having a bad husband any day & I really have NO DESIRE to have a husband. My doggies give me all the unconditional love daily that I could ever want & my friends are always there to do fun things with.....sometimes I have to take time for myself to get work done around my house rather than having so much fun with my friends.....but even that is a good feeling.

Maybe you just aren't involved in activities where there are other people with the same interests because that is one binding aspect that I have noticed has made a huge difference in having friends vs. not.

I grew up as an only child & knew how to entertain myself without needing anyone, so friends weren't a necessity in my life.....but it's nice to have others who care & to care about when I compare both possibilities.

Maybe it's your way of defending yourself, because you've experienced maybe betrayal or abandonment? So, maybe you don't wish to invest so much in
relationships. But, maybe too you can reflect on those past relationships, and
view them from the perspective that there was time together that was valuable,
and people parted for various reasons. Leaving you to fill that void again.
But - you can still care, and be a caring person. Hopefully, your friends will have the sense to realize this.

((((((((SophiaG))))))))

Lynn is so right, when we get hurt or somehow fail or even endure some kind of loss and then struggle with depression it is very hard to have other people around us and even feel or have a desire to feel.

I don't think that was nice of your friend but don't let that make you feel unworthy.
If someone does not have depression or, in my case PTSD with depression and anxiety, that person simply cannot understand what it means, how difficult it is and truely is such a struggle.

I have to be honest, I had a close friend for many years and when I really started to struggle she got mad at me and even accused me of wanting to luxuriate in my struggles. It was so hard on me as I had helped her in her difficult times. It got to the point where she verbally attacked me really bad one night while I made an effort to go out to have dinner with her, even when I could not afford it. She just didn't get how hard I was struggling just to function. And I do admit that I have been isolating too except for my business where no one demands personal adventures and thoughts from me.

Your here and struggling and you do have to think about you first. Other people are simply not going to understand your struggle and I think deep inside you know it and
that alone is a struggle. The best you can do is make sure you are seeing a good therapist and make sure you also check into your overall health with a GP and even a Gyno as hormone inbalance can cause both women and men to lose interest in themselves, others and even life itself.

Your not alone in feeling the way you do, the most important thing for you right now is to make sure you are getting help and even see if you might need a change in medication.

Don't think that you have to sit on the floor for the rest of your life just so you don't fall. Work towards getting up and making efforts to find your inner self and confidence again. I am doing that too.

Open Eyes

This might be it.

I also know my family has a history of anti social personality disorder, but I don't lie, and I don't like hurting people (I derive no pleasure from it) and these are symptoms of that.

I just....don't....care?

Like, attachments to people are gone? I mean, i basically view people as replaceable now (as bad as that sounds). I can stop talking to someone and I won't miss them.

I get bored with people easily.

Maybe this is what it feels like to not be depressed? I *am* on an antidepressant at the moment.

I am confused, i also recognize that if this didn't bother me I wouldn't be making a thread about it. =P

Maybe I was just hypersensitive before because of the depression and this is what *normal* feels like.

I told my friend "if you were to dissapear, i wouldn't care" and she took that personally, got mad at me, called me narcissistic and selfish, and then left. Even though what I said to her was in no way meant to be a personal attack, i was trying to tell her how that BOTHERED me, that i felt that way. I can see how it would hurt someone though.

I mean, I do *try* to care. It's just, a part of me knows "hey if you dissapeared i wouldn't miss you."

I dunno.

I will try to respond to some of the other responses now.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/484677

^^ article about emotional blunting.

I do hate myself, you got that right.

so advice is usually destructive because it comes from a different perception of what the person asked? I guess we all have our own perspectives on life.

I've always wanted T's to guide me since they had gone to T school and I thought they knew how to fix problems and stuff.

The thing is, i've tried taking down these walls. It felt scary.

Then, i got bored and left. (not that they've tried to contact me, i don't think they were very interested anyways)

I think what I said to her was mean even though I didn't mean it to be. See my 2nd post. =\

Hey, I have people around me who I KNOW i just positively KNOW that if i had problems with depression, i would have to hold it inside and just talk to them like everything was okay. Because, if i told them what was wrong it would....just make them think badly of me or they'd tell me to suck it up or something like that.

Like, i don't feel emotionally safe around them?

Something like that.

Hello again, SophiaG. Is the insight you seek intended as a means to explore options to change? Are you dissatisfied with how you are?

Yes and no.

Yes because my relationships are shallow and thus more unfulfilling.

No, because I am afraid of getting hurt.

Interesting posts; prompted me to think over my own isolation and retreat. I would try to reconnect with your friend and resolve the misunderstanding. I've had to do this with friends, so as not to lose them forever. Broken bonds are really painful; I've experienced that with one child and still block out her abuse. I have another beautiful daughter who loves me, but I don't see her enough. I know it is harder to cope alone with no children. I cling to God, because He's always present and promises to heal the broken hearted. This is not religious speak, but reality. He has always met me at every void of despair I almost fell into. I understand the wall you write about. I agree walls are defense mechanisms. We have to do the best in our social contexts. Trust God, our fellow man will always be incapable of meeting our needs completely. I hope you feel better,

To SophiaG, You have had many varied responses to your post. In my self examination of my increasing self imposed alienation, i have come to some possibilities.

Am I in fact just tired of the rejection and the alienation of myself by others?
and believe I will be better off in isolation? or
Am I doing this to somehow self destruct and make SI easier. Actually make my life more hopeless?

I know people take the latter path. I have chosen to forcefully break myself of the isolation pattern and pursue actual face to face depression support groups to hopefully find others tolerant and more understanding.

"The more people I meet, the better I like my cat" ?

Lol, I feel like that sometimes.people can be frustrating.

Sorry you lost your friend. People are so sensitive anymore. It's one of the reasons I have backed off from relationships. Too much trouble for what you wind up with. Who needs a friend if they get angry over something like you describe. Such high expectations, my oh my. Life has enough stress without someone else adding to it. Better to wait until you feel like yourself again then go out mingling. It is hard enough wading through the ones who think only of themselves to find one or two worth your trouble. Sorry, I too am kind of sour on the people I've been running into lately, so I understand how you feel. All you can do is keep trying. I'm right there behind you as I'm sure are many others.