[ArtistDreamer]

I am just now accepting that I dissociate when I am stressed, feel threatened or attacked emotionally. I guess I have always known, but knowing is different than accepting, if that makes any sense?

So, reflecting on this, I am realizing that I have years of broken memories. Places that I am missing large sections of time, where the only thing I can recall is a sick feeling in my stomach. I come from an abusive home, I can't argue that, but what is my mind hiding from me?

The Byzantine sent a great library of things to do when anxiety/panic attacks set in.. which I am experiencing off and on as I struggle to remember what is hidden. I need to STOP trying to remember and set this aside for therapy, but it is niggling away at me.

Any suggestions? I feel overwhelmed and hypersensitive right now. I want to go back to before.

[Open Eyes]

(((((ArtistDreamer)))))

First welcome to PC. While you may be getting some help with dealing with anxiety and stress, you are probably addressing triggers that you don't realize you have. Crew was giving a chat on DID and you might ask him if he has any good information on it that you can read.

I can understand the kind of knowing but not consciously knowing. But it most likely is some way you protected or shielded yourself from abuse that you had no real way of understanding or escaping in some way. That is really something that you should do with a therapist, preferably a therapist that truely treats and understands it. Otherwise you may run the risk of seeing the missing time and forgetting that you are now safe and are not in that situation now. And I do hope that you realize that whoever abused you was not a person that was well, or probably had some kind of history of abuse as well. Unfortunately this does happen. So it is not only about the abuse that happened to you, it is also understanding the abuser and why they might have been like this.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and hypersensitive right now, you are worried about facing your past, that is normal. But it is really important that you truely understand these situations are in your past, not your fault and going slowly is the key. It really does take time and you must take good care of yourself, and whatever you do, PLEASE, DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF.

Open Eyes

[ArtistDreamer]

Thank you, Open Eyes.

The person that abused me was not well... I do know that. He was suffering from Bipolar, which I have as well. I am lucky though, that I have the treatment options that he did not allow himself.

I had a triggering event last Thursday. I am spinning in my own head right now, flashes of memories that only carry with them sensations - I made the earliest appointment I could with my therapist.

I know intellectually that it is not my fault. I appreciate your reminder. And most especially the I appreciate you telling me not to be too hard on myself.

Thank you so much - you said so much that I needed to hear.

-ArtistDreamer

[Open Eyes]

Just a caution, from what you are discribing, I am sure you have PTSD or possibly even complex PTSD which they are now adding the complex because it can go all the way back to childhood abuse. I don't know who told you that you are bipolar, but PTSD can mimick the same effects as bipolar. There can be times of clarity and other times of extreme anxiety and yet even other times of feeling tired and depressed.

Try to overcome those moments of anxiety by thinking just about the moment and trying not to push so hard at getting all the answers all at once, or even stressing about the answers. It truely is a process where you have to gently get slow treatment, make your mind up to give yourself time, and again be very kind and understanding to yourself.
Make sure you don't fall into blaming yourself, so very important.

I come to PC and read and post and try to slow myself down and I do try to not allow myself to get too self absorbed. PTSD is troubling and can lead one to become self absorbed and even catastrophize when it is better to be more understanding and make efforts to really take time, give to yourself in ways that you truely deserve.

Open Eyes

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by ArtistDreamer

I am just now accepting that I dissociate when I am stressed, feel threatened or attacked emotionally. I guess I have always known, but knowing is different than accepting, if that makes any sense?

So, reflecting on this, I am realizing that I have years of broken memories. Places that I am missing large sections of time, where the only thing I can recall is a sick feeling in my stomach. I come from an abusive home, I can't argue that, but what is my mind hiding from me?

The Byzantine sent a great library of things to do when anxiety/panic attacks set in.. which I am experiencing off and on as I struggle to remember what is hidden. I need to STOP trying to remember and set this aside for therapy, but it is niggling away at me.

Any suggestions? I feel overwhelmed and hypersensitive right now. I want to go back to before.

FWIW I think you are correct to try to stop recovering the memories, likely what you remember is bad enough.

It's human nature though to want to run right into the worst of it.

What I've found is that my brain works whether or not I'm aware of it. I have dreams that reveal things to me. All I have to do is remember the dreams for therapy.

Also, memory is a darn fickle thing. It's hard to say what is "true" as in accurate, versus "true" in regards to how you feel.

So, I say let your unconscious do the work and try to stay present as much as you can. Engage yourself in your life.

[gma45]

You said it elliemay, Try to stay in the present as much as you can. That is just what I was thinking reading the post....Stay in the now! At least that is what I have been having to tell myself over and over again lately! You are not alone ArtistDreamer! Sometimes I think, what my mind is hiding from me might be a good thing I don't remember.