God, not again...

I'll start off with saying this is really just a thread for me to rant aimlessly. I don't know if that's allowed or not (or if it's even in the right category), but I'm willing to chance it.

I was doing well. I've been tracking my moods almost daily for the entire month of October. I was socializing. I was sincerely, genuinely happy and effervescent, and not worried that it was all a fluke. I would have a low moment for about an hour or two for completely logical reasons, but other than that, I was perfect. No weird outbursts, no unexpected mood changes, nothing. I was even more active than usual, and more focused on my studies. I was driven, confident, and unstoppable. For an entire month, I hadn't shed a tear. I didn't self harm. I didn't bother to look for that therapist my GP recommended months ago because I didn't need it. I didn't take my vitamins because I was "invincible", so to speak. And even throughout my now obvious episode, I never thought that it would end as abruptly as it has.

Now, I feel completely empty and alone. I went to my class with a confident smile on my face, and left feeling horrible. I was sick last week so I had to miss a class, and no one noticed or commented. Keep in mind this is a pretty tiny class which averages about 8 or 9 people, and I've been attending pretty much all the classes since August. So yeah, that stung a little.

And on top of that, the one person I had managed to become "friendly" with was gone today. After two hours of failed or interrupted attempts at socializing, I wished I could crawl into a hole.

I can tell I'm relapsing. "Relapsing into what?", you ask. Well, I'm not sure. All I know is I'm feeling really crappy and the tears are preparing for their debut. I no longer feel awesome. I feel like a loser. I feel exactly like I did when I was in middle school. I don't want to go through this personal hell again. I don't. I'm scared.

And since I've spent most of this month on an incredible high I've never experienced before, I'm pretty sure I've got all sorts of lows waiting for me. I just hope this is a fluke, and I'll wake up tomorrow feeling incredible again.

Hi hahalebou. I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. It probably only feels worse, coming on the heels of feeling so good, right?
I hope your good mood was just that, and an indication of positive changes you are making. Sometimes though, feeling of intensive happiness, increased energy, feelings of being "unstoppable," or "invincible" can be symptoms of a manic episode. Do you have any history of this? NOT trying to diagnose you, just giving you something to consider.
Was there anything you can recall that helped spark the good feelings you were having? If you can think of any circumstances that helped you feel better before, sometimes you can recreate them to help yourself feel better again.
I hope today was just a stumbling block on your way to happier times. Just because you felt bad today, doesn't mean you'll feel bad again tomorrow.
I hope you'll wake up tomorrow feeling good again too. Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you, Gr3tta. At some point I did think that I had BP II or at least Cyclothymia, but when I brought up my concerns to my parents, they gently reminded me that I'm a hypochondriac and when I "self-diagnose" myself, it leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Therefore, I try not to focus on the possibility so much. My GP suggested the possibility of "mild dysthymia", which I found hilarious, since "dysthymia" is already mild in itself and my depressions are not mild. They start off as mild, but they slowly descent into a much darker picture. However, I'm pretty sure it's my fault since I didn't tell him all of my symptoms (my mother was in the room with me).

In regards to the mania, I'm not sure if it was indeed a manic episode or not. I know that it was unlike what I've felt before, and some days my happiness was borderline psychotic, but most of the time I wasn't really that hyper and I got more than eight hours of sleep each night.

I realize now that I may need to seek help, even if it is just adolescent mood swings. Obviously I'm not coping very well, despite whatever it may be. I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see how I feel.

Thanks again.

I have no advice really, but have hugs and virtual cookies
*virtual cookie*

Oh boy, can I empathize, but let's try to step back for a second and look at this okay?

It sounds to me like you have several factors going on here, but none of them - even in combination - are really that bad when viewed from a different perspective.

Let me assure you that I am *not* minimizing the disappointment that you feel. Disappointment sucks, but it does not predict the end to happiness. It's an emotion, and usually a transient one at that.

You've been sick correct? Despite the social pressures going on right now, how does your body feel? healthy? strong? It takes much longer to fully recover from illness than people realize, especially with the pressure to get back to "life" as fast as possible. If you are still in recovery then that is likely contributing to how you feel now.

People are people, they can be callous, forgetful, take others for granted and all that good stuff. Just because your absence wasn't acknowledged doesn't mean it wasn't noted. IMO what really matters is how you feel when you are in the class. Yeah, it would have been very nice to hear someone say "hey glad you're back!", but well, that's people for you. I doubt there was any ill intent.

One thing I have had to learn and learn, and the re-learn again is that just because something good has happened, does NOT mean that something bad is bound to. Good is not causal of bad. I can't live my life waiting "for the other shoe to drop" so to speak.

I would let yourself "be" for awhile and try not to attach any judgements at all to the way you feel. This is simply a "time" this doesn't have to be the "end". Allow your body the space to come back to strength and you will.

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.

yeah I agree about no one noticing your absence...maybe they were just allowing for your privacy....who knows.....and everyone is so consumed sometimes with themselves that they might have not noticed...its not a reflection on you, its a reflection on them!!
Hang in there!!

Many hugs;

Ranting aimlessly does have its place in our lives. You are showing a lot of courage by putting yourself out there. If pain doesn't hurt, it still leaves scars. Be with yourself, be with us. We are all here together and there is nothing more powerful than group support and group hugs. I react to approaching depression by learning to recognize the onset and literally jerk myself up from where I am when those moods strike me. You might try this. When I do it the black hole I start falling into disappears. hang in there. there a lot of really sincere people in here that actually listen. In the meantime, NEVER give up. I spent most of my life giving up and being a victim. I didn't even consider the possibility that life had so much more to offer.It is my sincere hope that you won't take as long as I did to own who I am but have no regrets because the pay-off is that am at peace for the first time in my life. I am in the winter of my life and really look forward to one real spring as I reach the age of 65. I actually feel younger than my years and have no definite plans to "grow up. lol What I have missed by way of opportunity is not even an issue for me. For me every day is over-time and I love it. peace and hugs to you.
r

You said you went into class confident, but left feeling horrible? I have to wonder if there was a trigger-something that happened in the class?

Take care,
-obj