[Open Eyes]

I didn't know where to put this question. But I met with my T today and I was trying to tell him how bad this lawsuit if effecting me. And he asked my why not just give it up? And I got really angry. And I had also talked to him about my childhood SA. And I also told him about how this made me feel much like I was being held down and I could not break free. And I also told him how I had to often just take it and sometimes just wait for it to end.

My therapist told me that with CSA many victims do not have the time to learn the signs of regular preditors like normal children and so they often have my complaints about being abused. And so often they end up in abusive situations.

Ok, while I agree that can be possible because I see members in abusive situations that cannot seem to understand why or find strength to release themselves from certain situations, I don't think that it is CSA history all the time.

And personally I am the opposite, I can see the bad before many others and I am more often to stand my ground. I do this because I do not want to ever feel overpowered by abuse. And, it is when others expect me to "just deal" or "walk away and not stand my ground" or "tell me to give up my farm etc because now I am struggling due to the damage I should give in" I get angry. Even when someone says forgive thy neighbor when my neighbor not only cost me soooo much by his negligence but is still trespassing and lieing. To me, that is so much the same as saying allow people to abuse you until they are done.

Now, I know what I saw, I see all the damage and I know for a fact my neighbor is responsible and allowed his dogs to run onto my property knowing his fence did not work. My whole way of life was effected by this. And I am in a lawsuit that allows me to be trapped in this litigation for up to 7 years. And the deposition? Oh, I looked that up on line and it is in black and white how the opposing side is purposely nice to you to disarm you so they can trap you. And it also states to keep your answers short and no matter how much you want to tell the story of abuse, damage and suffering, shut up. Abusers are nice to you and they just rape you?

Now, I have to be honest, in my book, in my mind what this is discribing is a legal form of ABUSE. And as I read my daughter's depositon I see how the insurance company attorney tried to trap her by stating one of the animals suffered before the dog caused damage. Just by the way the question was asked. And because the attorney was nice and my daughter really was not here, she didn't catch that question. And they do have the dates of veterinary visits and time line.

When I first started the lawsuit, most people were surprised and stated they wouldn't do it because it was a neighbor and that could cause even worse problems. Even my husband wonders if this is worth it because it is reaking havoc on me psychologically. And I have even been in a situation where other people saw children being abused and neglected (even a psychologist and minister) and chose not to say anything and ignore it. Not only that but even rallied behind the abuser. I was the only one who reported it. But I was CSA too.

My own therapist is suggesting to walk away and just allow this person to walk away from being responsible for a hell of a lot of damage. Why?because it is taking so much out of me? And I have been raped in a very bad way by a neighbor who still tresspasses, so I am just suppose to let him do this? Just stick a death needle in the crippled animals and sell everything I can, including my farm (which he will be the first in line to buy) and where do I go? So, in other words just let people to rape me? Lay there and take it and say nothing?

My own attorney, he is old and forgetful and even when I tried to retain another attorney no one would help me. They would just rather pretend it isn't happening. Oh, yes I could report him, but he could deny it and cover it up and I could end up with no attorney.

It is important to know that I went the route of first telling my neighbor to contain their dogs.
Had to get a dog warden out to get them to do it. I had many conversations with them telling them about my business and the danger of dogs. And they had a dog that would not stay in the underground electric system and had to tie that dog. That dog would get loose and they would appologize and fix the tie. So there was about 9 years of conversations and me talking about the value of what I did. When their system went down they knew it wasn't working for almost three months and were letting their dogs out at night while I slept and that began the destruction on my everything me. This is not just a one time dog getting loose thing. And at first they admitted it until they heard how bad the damage was, now they are denying it.

Geez, do you think if I just let everyone walk on me and take what they want, including the opposing attorney that represents an insurance company who doesn't want to pay for a neighbor who wants to break the law and let their dogs run lose distroying my property and my sanity, will that release this horrible thing called PTSD in my brain?

Oh, it will kill me to say no and stand my ground? So basically cower and pack my bags and leave to go where? A new life somewhere? Where is this?

Who does that work out for? My neighbor? His insurance company? That insurance company's attorney? My attorney with his issues?

The system allows for the opposing attorney to draw out a case on and on and I have to find a way to deal and survive until they can't take any more time. And they actually work this way in how they address this kind of situation and I just have to lay there and be raped and raped and raped and just shut my eyes until the system says enough. SEVEN YEARS?

I am a victim of CSA and I know what it feels like to be trapped and overpowered. I went on Sunday and drove by a place where I hid in the trees (still there after all these years), climbed way up high, and listened to a voice below calling my name. I KNOW A BAD PERSON WHEN I HEAR THEM, SEE THEM, EXPERIENCE THEM. I am saying NO. And people wonder why I am fighting so hard and I am also suffering psychologically, WHY NOT JUST WALK AWAY?

I think CSA victims know bad when they see it. Maybe some never learn how to say no, I DID. And it seems to me that there are plenty of people who were not CSA and they are more willing to walk away and ignore the bad things that go on.

I have to admit that I am always surprised at how bad many people really are. And being a part of the legal system, I am equally suprised at how much a victim has to stay a victim for so long.

What about you, what do you think?

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I don't think my T gets it, I have been telling him I dont want to be a victim anymore.
I think that is what all CSA victims feel. But I am just one our of many. But I do know bad when I experience it.
Open Eyes

Hello, Open Eyes. As I have stated before, My thought is for you to file a disciplinary complaint against your attorney. Seven years in litigation and still not finished with discovery is suggestive of at least negligence in the handling of the case.

I am not convinced you cannot get a replacement attorney to represent you. You may have to go to an attorney outside the area to find one that will take the case.

Good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I agree with The Byz Open Eyes. Litigations should have been completed by now. And there is alway as another attorney, even if you go outside your own town area.

If the neighbour is responsible for the damage then he should pay. His insurance company would be happy that it is taking so long. The longer it takes the less you relax.

Look I was sexually abused as a child of 3, it was awful, by 3 men. I know the fear, pain, anger and sadness that those years are stolen, but we do have a chooice of if we do let it make us into a victim or if we use it to glavanize us into strength. Try to still your mind, breathe as gently and deeply as possible for a few minutes at a time and you will feel the strength of those breaths bringing clarity to your mind as well.

I don't think you should give up, but I'd certainly lean on the attorney and say HEY! wrap this up already!

Loving hugs,
Rhiannon

[Perna]

The dispute with your neighbor is not your CSA. I do not see you considering the two situations separately. I would not spend seven years of my time, money, and feelings on something that cannot be remedied (the dogs have done the damage, you feel as you feel), I would concentrate on fixing the boundaries between the property and try to move ahead in my life, find something more interesting to work on. I think it is very unlikely that this neighbor will want to make you angry again by letting dogs run loose on your property.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Perna

The dispute with your neighbor is not your CSA. I do not see you considering the two situations separately. I would not spend seven years of my time, money, and feelings on something that cannot be remedied (the dogs have done the damage, you feel as you feel), I would concentrate on fixing the boundaries between the property and try to move ahead in my life, find something more interesting to work on. I think it is very unlikely that this neighbor will want to make you angry again by letting dogs run loose on your property.

That Dear Perna is exactly what my addled brain was trying to say. I love you wise people!

My own therapist is suggesting to walk away and just allow this person to walk away from being responsible for a hell of a lot of damage. Why?because it is taking so much out of me? And I have been raped in a very bad way by a neighbor who still tresspasses, so I am just suppose to let him do this? Just stick a death needle in the crippled animals and sell everything I can, including my farm (which he will be the first in line to buy) and where do I go? So, in other words just let people to rape me? Lay there and take it and say nothing? (Emphasis added)

In my opinion, the tone of the responses, including mine, could have been better.

Open Eyes talked to her neighbor for nine years about the dogs before the proceeding was started. Seven years in litigation and the neighbor still trespasses. The damage the dogs and her neighbor have done has exacerbated Open Eyes PTSD. Apparently, Open Eyes' therapist believes ending the suit will help her emotionally. I think it is very possible throwing in the towel will devastate her.

There is a legal theory called infliction of emotional distress, either intentional or negligent. Her attorney I hope has plead that theory. So Open Eye's CSA is an important issue and should not be separated.

In my view, there are a number of options to consider:

1. Dismiss the lawsuit and move on.
2. Dismiss the lawsuit and file a complaint against her attorney
3. Dismiss the lawsuit, file a complaint against the attorney and sue the attorney if he is not ordered to pay restitution for any expenses paid. The infliction of emotional distress could be an additional cause.
4. Find a different attorney to finish the lawsuit, file a complaint against the current attorney for malpractice and decide whether to sue the former attorney for damages.

As a former attorney, I expect many will disagree with my advice. The litigious society and all that. People were a lot nicer to me when their ox was gored and they were looking for help.

Open Eyes has been through hell. She must decide. What I perceive as a problem for her is not having someone she trusts in real life to help her. She seems very alone.

Open Eyes, I will support you in whatever way I can. Please consider your decision from the perspective of what is best for you. Your health is a very important factor -- your decision must account for the potential affect on your health.

Thinking of you, friend.

[Open Eyes]

Thank you for all your replies.

I have not been in litigation for 7 years, but my husband said that it can go to 7 years. I have been in suite for about 3 1/2 years and counting.

The advice from different attorneys from different towns has basically been that they do not want to take on my case, they all know my attorney and they recommend hanging in there and getting the deposition in. And I have talked to my attorney about getting this case moving forward, even told him that I am suffering depression and bad thoughts and have been doing my best to hang in there. But it didn't stop my attorney for forgetting yet another deposition, not letting me know it was scheduled until the day before where I had no time to prepare. He also had not sent me a copy of my daughters deposition to review, and that was important. After he cancelled the deposition because of such short notice he finally sent me a copy of my daughter's deposition. And after reviewing it I saw a question presented to her to trap her and she was not present when one pony coliced and could have died after running around from the dog. So, I could see the test and that was not right.
The opposing side has the story of occurance and the dates of injuries, all within that time period where the neighbor's fence was broken.

Now I was going to take action and write a letter, but a new deposition date was scheduled so I decided to work on preparing myself for that. It was very difficult to review the damages and I met with my therapist and worked hard to just make myself read it and try to prepare. I was determined to press forward and then after preparing for 2 weeks it was cancelled and a new date was set for the following week. I was angry but kept to task trying to tell myself that it would give me more time to prepare. And then I got another cancellation. This time it was the other attorney stating that she had two court dates and could not do the deposition.

Before my deposition was cancelled I met with my attorney to prepare and though I was very angry with him, I focused on the depostion and put my angry thoughts aside. I am truely trying. And even though my attorney appologized to my husband he never brought up his negligence to me. And I didn't bring it up because all I did want is this case to progress.

I cant just give up the case and walk away. I have been paying on a substantial amount of debt that was made by addressing the injuries to my animals. I have lost the animals I need for my business and have not been able to give lessons and my business is not even half what it was, and I have not had enough funds to cover the expenses of maintaining the animals. I couldnt even afford therapy until I was so bad that I had to get therapy.

During this time while I have been suing my neighbor he has torn down no tresspassing signs, raised guinea hens and let them loose without making a containment system for them and I had to deal with 20 of these rather large birds running around my horses, I did have to call the police. And my neighbor doesn't understand why he cannot send over relatives to see my ponies. And he pulled apart a wall I was building to block off an old bridge that was on my property because he didn't like the wall. I called the police and by the time the police got here he had thrown all the rocks from my wall in the woods and there was nothing left of my wall.
I stood there yelling at him to stop and he kept pulling it apart. I didn't even have time to grab him and make him stop.

And then there was that neighborhood party and I had chained all my gates and talked myself into thinking that no one would trespass and get to my horses and ponies. I woke the next morning to a loose pony that simply could not have let himself free.

If I walk away, I am allowing him to win, to have permission to walk all over me.
I can't do that. And I will go bankrupt because I can't pay the debt that has been left from his negligence.

It is not just a matter of winning, it is a matter of defending my right to have my farm and that he must respect my rights. Because he doesn't want to respect my rights.

I don't know why my past has come forward and I don't know why I am battling this PTSD or how to stop it. I am not making this happen, it just happened. It is odd to me and yet it just comes forward because it a long memory of being violated I guess.
I am trying very hard to understand it and yet as I try to understand it, it is being violated and being in the presence of a bad presense and feeling helpless. I am trying to fight back and stand my ground. I don't want to lay there and just let it happen anymore.

Those who talk about breaking free and starting a new life. It just isn't that easy, and I have done that many times in my past. I don't know why I had to deal with so much, oh I could list all of it, you would understand. I have done nothing wrong but I have tryed very hard to just be. I had worked so very hard for what I had. I honestly never expected so much damage and its everywhere I look.

I don't know where to put the anger anymore. I can't even think about what I want anymore. I often can't even think and I come here to try to get my brain to think in steps and I work at it very hard. I loose track of time. I don't know how to dissasociate in a healthy way anymore. I know I am getting worse and I don't know what to do. My brain doesn't want to see all this damage and bills and all of it is too hard. So, when I prepared for that depostion it was hard work and when it got taken away, I tried again and again it was taken away and there is no new date. Well, this happened last year and when I did the first half of my depostion my attorney told me it should only be 6 more months. But now hes has no time and leaves that open to an eternity.

I didn't put in for my emotional damage because when I was in therapy I talked about my CSA, not knowing what that would mean to my case. And then I was told by my attorney that my neighbor could get all my files and see that and do what he wanted with that information. How violating, so I just left that out of the suit. And in so doing, had to go without therapy due to a lack of funds.

Maybe that is how my past came forward, I don't know. All I do know is that for whatever reason my brain is really struggling and I don't understand how to fix it.
I have been trying to figure out how to work through this. It is the hardest thing to understand or even begin to explain. And it makes me feel helpless and crippled and I don't understand why my brain either gets really worked up like it wants to run or it just wants to hide or get rid of the anger and yet it also just shuts down on me.
It is god awful to be fighting with your own brain somehow. And my body just starts to shiver and I am in so much pain too. And no one understands how very hard I am trying. I don't even understand how to try anymore. And I have terrible thoughts because I am breaking down and I can't stop it. And I am embarrassed and to honest had it not been for PC, I don't know where I would be.

I think this PTSD is so awful. I am not this person, I have been a strong person.
I feel like I should somehow be able to just distract myself, but I can't. I have this bolder that blocks my desires to be who I was. I honestly don't even know how to be anymore. And this is so not me. And it scares me too. I honestly don't know what to do. Some days are so bad and I have to really talk to myself and work at it.
And as soon as I make any progress, I have to deal with this ongoing litigation and frustrating process. And I am afraid to do anything to prolong it.

If I give up I will lose everything. There will be no closure, and it will just demolish my brain. I have to know that I can say NO. I need to know that for my sanity, don't you understand? And I am trying to be reasonable and not let myself get overwhelmed. But it is real and its not good and I know it. I can't pretend or hide anywhere anymore. And while this is happening I am trying to run my business and get through to booking jobs and doing them. But, I am not doing well, I am trying.
And I get angry because my business suffered a lot of damage and I am trying to hang on and this process is twisting my brain to a point where I can bearly do the minimum. And I am really not making it, I am basically working to keep up with bills that should never have been mine. And I have to try to push that anger aside too.

Anger is so strong and debilitating. I just don't know where to put it anymore. And it is in my brain, my arms, my chest, behind my eyes, my legs even my hands and I seem to have no control over it. This is so crippling and I have been trying to say, please, its going to kill me. And it doesn't seem to matter no one gets it, even I don't understand it.

Dismiss the case? Fight my own attorney? I am tired of fighting, it should not have to be this way. And tell how much this is hurting me? Oh thats creepy its just saying I once again am overpowered and can't fight back. I am never going to forget the images in my brain, things that I loved my way of life taken by negligence. I look that white pony every day and he wants to live and the others too. I am a kind heart, I don't believe in killing something that wants to live. The pony that died really tried hard and I lost that battle. And they are happy animals, and they deserve that, they are well behaved, worked hard and I do love them. I loved what I had, I know I can't have it back. I can't have any of my past removed. The Law states that my neighbor should be responsible. He should be held responsible. They used to hang people for this, horses were significant and a part of sustaining life. Well, they sustained me in so many ways.

And I don't want to fight, I am not a fighter, I am just not built that way. I am a very peaceful loving person. I even feel sorry that my attorney is aging and trying to hang on, I don't want to hurt him. I just want my life back.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

The system is not designed for a victim. It shouldn't be that way. Theres a young girl here that says, "Someones got to do it". If I don't keep fighting, the insurance company gets to walk, my neighbor gets to walk, my attorney gets to walk away from whatever his errors are. I know some people abuse the system, so I am paying for them. And then the effort to wear me down to where I am now is also another abuse of the system. I suppose it works for someone who is trying to put in a false claim, but it doesn't work for a real victim.

If I don't fight, what do I walk away with? Surely not my sanity.
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Perna

The dispute with your neighbor is not your CSA. I do not see you considering the two situations separately. I would not spend seven years of my time, money, and feelings on something that cannot be remedied (the dogs have done the damage, you feel as you feel), I would concentrate on fixing the boundaries between the property and try to move ahead in my life, find something more interesting to work on. I think it is very unlikely that this neighbor will want to make you angry again by letting dogs run loose on your property.

Perna, I couldn't agree with you more. But I don't know why my brain started producing flashbacks. I didn't even understand PTSD when I was first diagnosed with it. I honestly thought that it would just go away and I had done a lot of work to address different injuries and get all the paperwork prepared and try to continue working. I was trying to distract, and push the anger away. And what I didn't realize is that it didn't work and whatever I was doing wasn't working and I just got worse.

Last year I was trying to train some green ponies (ponies that know very little) and my daughter was trying to work with a Mustang I had (he had also been damaged) and I wasn't right. I was falling into depression and not knowing it, the PTSD was getting worse, only I didn't know it. And last year the neighbor was trespassing and I would be out there feeding and he would just pop out of nowhere and he's creepy Perna. He asked me if I had a problem with him because he had sent relatives over to see my ponies without asking me. And then he questioned a time line that my first attorney put down just as a guess when I was still try to just address the injuries. I had already come up with a time line where the damage started the first of May and the animals were being injured on Sunday and Monday nights. I had been wondering why those nights. So, my neigbor looked straight at me and said "I know for a fact that fence was broken the beginning of May". By that time I had already obtained a new attorney and I had already put in the dates and the real time line that was the beginning of May thru July 9 until he finally installed a new fence.
And what creeped me out was he ACTUALLY KNEW, his family knew what was going on and they just let it happen. They were fiddling with the fence on the weekends and then when they let the dogs out on Sunday and Monday nights they saw it Perna and thats when they contained the dogs the rest of the week. Do you understand what that means? They were aware of what was going on. I was not aware their fence was down. I had thought after all those years and conversations that they finally got the message. I never saw it coming that they would just let this happen.

When my neighbor yelled this at me he didn't realize that he was agreeing with the time line I had already given to my new attorney. Obviously his attorney didn't show him the dates with all the injures and the clear time line. And I will never forget him standing there and yelling it out at me that way. He was unknowingly tell me he knew the facts and these facts I had been trying to understand why those nights? He even knew the dog was running his chickens and whatever as well. That day he approached me I had just put up a no trespassing sign because I know that if he trespasses I can charge him. He just said he didn't like the sign so he tore it down and it laid on the ground torn up. Perna he not only trespassed to get to the sign but he destroyed the sign that was mine.

Perna, what do I do with the $30,000 in charges for vet bills I am still paying on? I had to use all my credit cards to get the vets here and treat my animals. I have an expensive show horse that was appraised at $125,000 that was perminently damaged. I worked my *** off for that horse, my whole family did. I am not a rich person I worked hard for what I had. A horse that is worth that kind of money is not something you can just replace. Horses that worth that kind of money and more are horses that are proven and it takes years before that happens and one can search through hundreds of horses and not find any that can do what this horse could do.

A lesson pony that can take care and babysit a five year old child is soooo hard to find, like a needle in a haystack. Most lesson barns don't have these ponies. For the last 20 years I searched high and low and had many different ponies come and go because it is very hard to not only find a pony like this but train it. Ponies that I could take anywhere and anyone could lead even a five year old Perna, that is soooo hard to come by you have no idea. These ponies are worth their weight in gold. Ponies that can be so childsafe and proven are hardly ever on the market, they pass through a list of people wait for them or they are never sold.

I have been with crippled children that cannot sit up and their parents stand on both sides of the pony and my wonderful pony KNEW and SHE WALKED SO GENTLY. You cannot buy that Perna, it is so rare and so hard to come by and I trained that pony. And that pony got the best and I took care of her and the the other two, I knew what I had and so did other trainers. I didn't even have to advertise lessons. That pony died a horrible death Perna she fought for me for months with Iv's and I was feeding her via a saringe with liquid food and encouraging her to swallow pass that damage in her throat that was caused because we fed them and went out and while we were gone that dog was chasing them and she choked. I had 4 of them that choked and they would not eat and I could have lost more. They coughed and struggled to eat for many months. My husband and I saw this happen, I will never forget it Perna. And the police would not come out and the dog warden never answered because she was out due to an injury.
And they police didnt tell me, they just kept telling me to call the dog warden.

I was overwhelmed with damage Perna, I was walking animals and tending to this pony and walking my daughters horse that was a big animal and I ruined my feet with planters facietus and I could not walk anymore. I got up out of bed and crawled to the bathroom at night. And I STILL HAD TO FIND A WAY TO KEEP WALKING THE DAMAGED ANIMALS. Walking and walking in a sand ring and praying the horse didn't catch a glimpse of their dog because he would just go wild and real and I was not strong enough to contain that fear. So I walked him in fear every single day, day after day. 45 minutes is long time to walk like that, and you can't drug the horse, he has to walk normal and then he was stuck back in the stall, so he came out very fresh, I could bearly keep up with his huge step. I didn't know I was damaging my feet so badly.

After I lost my special pony and still finding out damage, I didn't sleep, couldn't walk and had no time to grieve. I wanted to die Perna, I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. And my daughter kept crying because her horse was so damaged and She asked me if God was punishing us. I felt it myself but I told her NO, he is here to help us get through this.
And as Prayed he didn't answer and I was so tired Perna, and I couldn't get up anymore. I wanted to die, I was in shock and I ended up in the phsyward and that was terrible. I should have never been sent there. They wouldnt let me get rest and my room was so cold and they kept opening my door every 15 minutes startling me and I had to try to get rest every 15 minutes. I begged for grief couceling and they never gave it to me. And the people in that lock down were so strange and I had a young man following me that told me he was Jesus Christ and he would save me. You don't understand how bad it all was. I would stand at my window wondering what hell I was in now. And every time I drive to see my therapist I have to pass that same hospital, and I can see myself standing in that window in that cold room, the room everyone knew the heat didn't work.

Perna, I have not had any time off in over 4 years now and I am very tired. And that man still trespasses. Even my own little pleasure horse for myself was damaged and I never had enough money for him to be looked at. And I had another horse that was a wonderful investment horse and he was so hard to find, I got so lucky and he was damaged too and I spent months having him in a therapy program and taking him back and forth to the veterinary hospital to see his progress. And they did see the damage in an MRI. That was a long drive every two weeks.
And he finally got better enough to sell and did go to a good owner, oh he was beautiful Perna, very loving. And I paid some of the expense down but something told me to keep some of it. And I was glad I did because my husband had been through all this too and he had to bury that pony and he finally shut down and couldn't get out of bed or work or anything.
So I kept paying the bills with that money until it ran out. Finally after sleeping day and night my husband got up and went back to working.

But Perna, I never got a break and I was traumatized by the psychward too and it was terrible. I have not been able to grieve and I am trying to do the best I can.

I can't even wrap my brain around all this Perna. And now I am dealing with an aging attorney and flashbacks that I don't understand and this thing called PTSD that I don't understand either. I went to the first part of my deposition and I will never forget the opposing attorney asking me who got damaged the worst. I wasn't expecting that question and I looked down at a diagram I had drawn and I was trapped in a flashback and it was bad Perna I saw them all and I could not speak. I can't talk in a flashback its kinda like a stroke. Thankfully they ended the depostion but I know I still have to answer that question and I really don't have that answer. For 395 days and counting I have been left with that question in my head. My brain doesn't want to go there anymore Perna. I am trying but it draws this terrible black mass over my brain and I can't push through it.I don't understand why this happens, it just does. My brain doesn't want to go there anymore I guess. All the things I used to do, I cant seem to do, I cant get to it my brain is strange now, I don't know what it means. Sometimes my brain throbs and it scares me.

Last year I blew up at my daughter in Rage. I was not in control at all.
I felt possesed and I have learned what that was, "white out" they call it.
Perna, the anger just takes over and you don't know what happens its,
very scary. This is a part of bad PTSD that people don't understand, its really a terrible disorder or whatever it is. And I know that if I am pushed too hard it can come out, the anger just erupts in me. It is so hard to explain to people who don't have it.

I manage to work some, but I am really struggling and trying to understand this disorder. I can't even tell you how much PC has helped me because it seems to ground me. I don't know how to keep going psychologically. It is hard because I cant be angry, but I am angry and then I am crying and I can't stop or I am riddled with horrible anxiety that is very painful, or I am completely exhausted. And I never know what my mood is going to be. So I don't go near people socially. I am embarrassed by this and it is not me at all. I try to be quiet and I like to be alone.
I was never like this, I was always so social and outgoing.

I was getting to feeling better and starting to even laugh and I could be the person I used to be here at PC. I helped a lot of children and I missed that, but I seemed to be able to tap into that part of me here. And it helped me think about things other than myself. It helped me to be patient and I know there were walls of words but I just needed to think in steps one thought in front of the other. Something I could do instead of being outside PC still seeing the damage and my table is full of bills and I have to be careful of being overwhelmed. I think it is because I am already overwhelmed and just trying to maintain somehow.

And I didn't realize I somehow had all that stress in me from that little girl. I honestly didn't know I had somehow hung onto that. I suffered for a long time then too. I don't know why that just came out, I honestly dont. And I also struggled in my marriage with alcoholism and that was bad too. But I hung in there and was pretty much on my own with that too.

All I know is I never expected to have to experience so much loss and trauma and this ongoing process of having to remember it. And also that not knowing of an end or a closure. The trap is very similar to many years ago. I just didn't know that had happened in my brain and even my body. It is very troubling how that can be triggered. I have barracaded my boundaries with my neighbor as best as I can. I baracaded my bedroom door too as best as I could when I was so little with a very troubling presense on the other side of that bacacade.

People who talk about giving up dont understand what that means. I see avoice agreed with my first post. She knows what I mean, I understand when she says never giving in, I know what she is saying. My brain deserves closure, it doesn't deserve this systematic trauma. Being a little girl hiding behind a door or up trees is not the answer, that was running, giving in. It was never closure, I see that now.

Open Eyes

i think at some point you have to decide to either fight or quit. child abuse or not..really it has nothing to do with it.

an opposing lawyer will try to word things to trick you..it's their job...they don't really care the background of the person..they care about winn9ing their case..that is what pays their bills. so really if someone gets their feelings hurt..well that is bad but honestly, it's better it is you than their client.

your lawyer is being negligent...either due to his age, health or just laziness.

your options are:

do thing & continue as you are.
file a complaint against him & get a new lawyer.
drop the complaint.

etc...these have all been mentioned before.

honestly you could win this case & relations with your neighbor will probably still suck...at some point tho YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO & DO IT. you can post here a million times & talk all you want & people will listen BUT you have to do something.

i have been thru bad abuse as a child & been thru some nasty legal situations as well...there is a time tio wallow & then a time to fight as well as a time to know when the battle is useless. doesn't mean you are a bad person but it means there might just be no sense in time or money being wasted on a situation that won't improve with winning the case.

maybe mediation is the way for this case...i don't know...butfor your health it seems like it is time to get off the fence post & make a decision....& then stick with it...you can't fix what has been done to your animals etc...but you can make a decision to move on either by keeping the case open & forcing a change with a new lawyer etc, or dropping it..whatever...but what i think will work is to make a decsion. YOU..not us..but YOU. what will realistically make it work for you.

[Caretaker Leo]

((((Open Eyes)))
And now, gently asking questions because I can feel your pain through your words here...

Is there any way you take a one-week break to try to relax and clear your mind so you can come up with the best plan to follow? I totally understand how anger can so totally blind us from being able to see any answers. And I believe you have every right to fight and win this case.

Could you install a security camera and/or a light connected to an alarm to alert you when the dogs and hens enter your property?

Are you calling the police each and every time that the trespassing occurs?

Is there someone higher in the court system that you could appeal to for help?

And I do agree with what Byz wrote - most particularly suggestion #4.

Oh - and good for you for writing this all here at PC. I hope even doing that helps relieve some of your stress and I hope other members will be kind and supportive as you continue to battle through this.

[Michah]

Dear Openeyes,

Many things have been done to you that no-one should ever have to endure, and yes, literally you have been the victim.......but that does not mean that you have to remain the victim. You have much more inner power to overcome these challenges than you realise. Things have been done by awful people that you cannot change......people are as people are, it is what you do for SELF that matters.

Your neighbour will always be like this whether you give up the legal battle or not. You cannot change how your neighbour behaves, but that is not important. The ONLY thing that matters is how you behave to self......how much strength and peaceful inner resolve you display. It all comes down to how you talk to self. Do you get vengeful? Do you wish ill on others who have hurt you? When you get so terribly frustrated and full of fear at the possible outcomes, where does all that horror go?

I am definately not saying that you should not be angry at destruction of property or precious animals, you should be furious, but when it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming, it can become Darkness so great, that you do not remember what it was like to see Light.

TRUST your instincts AND your ability to reason with self. When we act on instinct alone, we are hypervigilant and we become reactive to everything. No one wants to deal with a vicious and hostile neighbour, but if your home is your sanctuary, where your heart is, then you should never give that up. But chose your battles. This person can make your life hell, but they can never take your home or your freedom away from you......unless......you let them.

I KNOW that you have the ability to approach this with much fortitude and peace. You can stand your ground with conviction and no anger. FORGIVE this neighbour, DESPITE the fact that they are mean and horrible, because YOU CAN. This must sound completely counterintuitive, but inner strength comes from the ability to say out loud to an empty room:

"I forgive you and I will continue to forgive you no matter how badly you might make me feel or how badly you behave, because I am stronger than Darkness. In forgiving you, I am not giving the power away, I am taking the power back."

It is hard work, dear person, and things that are important are things worth fighting for, but do not give up self in the process. You are much loved and much too important for that.

Take good care of self,

Michah

[Open Eyes]

Thank you for your replies. My computer is not working right so I cant answer in length.

All I know is I am trying one day at a time. I am trying to not be angry, but I must be stashing it in my brain because it just comes out, that I dont understand. I am trying to be patient and understand how to get through this. And I appreciate your kind thoughts and suggestions. I put this thread here to try to see if that helps me put the anger somewhere. I don't know how else to do it. I never thought I hung onto so much from my past. Perhaps the brain is much like a computer, whatever goes in just doesn't come out, is there forever. I certainly didn't expect any of these psychological issues to overcome me and I have been trying to do whatever I can to
regain my optimism and self.

I hope this gets posted, my computer gets stuck.
Open Eyes

[Rose76]

Open Eyes,

I am just wondering about something. Maybe you've already explained it in a post. If you did win the suit, and your neighbers were ordered to compensate you, what resources do they have to draw from? Like: How much wealth do they have? It sounds like they do have insurance, but what does that policy insure them for? Does it insure them if animals they own wreak havoc on a neighbors property? Often when attorneys down want to take a case, it is because they don't see it as likely to pay off?

I'm sure your present lawyer is interested in making money. If he is sluggish and apathetic about doing the work to get this resloved, perhaps he doesn't have great hope that the result will be you getting compenstated and HIM getting compensated.

I'm not suggesting you give up. I'm just wondering what are the factors that would lead to your neighbors compensating you enough for you to avoid bankruptcy?

Sorry you are having this prolonged stress.

If he is sluggish and apathetic about doing the work to get this resloved, perhaps he doesn't have great hope that the result will be you getting compenstated and HIM getting compensated.

If that is the case, he should petition the court to withdraw. Doing nothing is a violation of his oath of office and the code of professional ethics.

[lad007]

I am so sorry for your troubles, and you are not alone.
I had a similar situation last Spring, and ended up in the psych ward due to the stress.
Other neighbors and people-even my husband did not understand how personal of a violation this can be, when you have had traumas and this type of situation where someone is personally violating you by trespassing and damage to what you love brings up memories that should be long forgotten, but are not. So I understand.
I am bipolar and have PTSD. I am having financial problems now over this, but I decided to give up for my own sanity. I had to decide to be right, or to be happy.
I can relate to what you said about walking the pony and the stress you felt just being outside, I go through that to.
I put up a fence, and things are better. If I see them outside, I go in. My home is my sanctuary, and they can't destroy that.
Do what is in your heart, but weight the cost. What type of outcome are you hoping for? Is it worth it? If they haven't changed their behavior now, do you think they ever will?

[Open Eyes]

lad07,
The point is that if they are not held responsible, that will mean that they will know that they can get away with trespassing and causing damage and they will become more negligent.

I came home from work today and my husband had left already and there was about an hour where we were both not home, neighbors were, pony lose again, out of a chained fence. What do you think they will do if I walk on the suit. And the people we are suing have money and realestate.

No, I am not going to walk on this, it is not costing me anything but time. Ofcourse I have no choice but to pay on the debt these people caused me to have and I have to continue to care for the damaged animals. But it is because of people like me standing their ground that there are now laws that protect livestock owners from others who damage their livestock, even people who own dogs. So the other thing is that if my case wins there will be another one on the books of record. I look at the big picture and what it means. Either I just let someone walk on my life and really damage it or I fight back.

And Rose, there are two insurance companies because the father, who installed the fence owns both properties and I had many conversations with him.

As far as my attorney goes, I think he is just old and forgetful and these cases are paid out upon settlement. And who knows if he will be able to practice law and even be alive to finish this. And the reason why other attorneys don't want to take the case is because they would have to negotiate with my attorney a cut of the settlement because my attorney by contract is owed 1/3 of the settlement if the case gets settled. Who would want to take that on and also deal with my attorney whom they all know as a well established attorney. It is not like they know his condition or ability now, he was successful and highly respected for many years.

Personally, I think that I am not his only client and he gets overwhelmed and he forgets, honestly. And I would not be surprised if I was not the only client that might not be happy. And also in the last year the firm has disolved and he celebrated a reunion and he had a lot of self absorbed personal issues on his mind. I could tell that in my deposition, he embarrassed me, I was surprised at his off the record conversations that took up time that should have been given to completeing my deposition. He actually surprised me with his behavior and choice of conversation during my deposition, and the opposing attorney didnt care either and I was embarassed.

I am still waiting for a new deposition date. And I am going to start calling him and bugging him, although with him, he just gets angry.

I am also going to find out who I can talk to at the court house about this situation too. And I want to mention that both attorneys for Father and daughter were at my daughter's deposition, if this was not a good case and a threat, I don't think they would be all that interested. There is a definite time line and I have all the veterinary records to prove it, if I was in a jury I would clearly see that. This is not one animal and the injuries are too similar, there is too much for just coincedance and all animals were seen and proven sound and healthy before the time line of thier fence malfuctioning and they do have a history of not watching their animals. And they stupidly have a history during the case of trespassing on my property and admitting to the police that they tore down my no trespassing sign, how stupid they are. Honestly they are for some reason wanting to just trespass on my land.

I have to use the law to establish my rights to my land and my property. I have that right and they clearly did not want to respect that right. If I win my case and they do anything else, they will already have a record. If they are angry at me for holding them accountable, well, they were the neglegent ones not me.

The opposing side scheduled depositions, it was my attorney that did not inform me and cancelled the last minute. This is what bothers me because it sends the wrong message to the opposing side. My attorney just simply forgot the depositions. Oh I wish I could find out from the opposing side how often my attorney has done this. And before I did my deposition my attorney told me it was only going to be about another six months. And he now has no time line, which confuses me.
I wonder if my attorney has made errors. Even in my deposition he had to put on the record that he made a mistake in the filing of information he had to correct that he said it was because the neighbor's dog was barking and it wasn't barking, it was chasing, made me wonder if he read my story of occurance. At least that is on the record.

What gets me is that I am fighting the neighbor who I am positive was negligent by their own admission and now my own attorney, I am not doing anything wrong, this should not be going on and on. Ok, I was going to get a letter written to my own attorney and then a deposition was scheduled. So now, I don't know what to do, what does the opposing side think, surely they can see my attorney is not doing his job, that doesn't look good for me. Everywhere I look it doesn't look good for me and I have never done anything wrong. I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

None of this was my fault. And what do I do blow it all up and then it even is postponed longer?
I am not sure what to do. Yes, I see the advice, and I am beginning to think I have to get helpI .
I was hoping that by getting the deposition done I would get back on track but now the other side is postponing. And for all I know my neighbor could be pushing for this to get settled too and they are pissed that it is taking so long, I don't know what is going on on their end. And I certainly don't want to be blamed. What a mess this is becoming. I don't know what the opposing side thinks, and I certainly cant call them. I honestly feel like I can't trust anyone to do their job. It is crazyness to me.

Open Eyes

[(JD)]

You know I don't do this well... legal hassles and if I were independently wealthy I would not be involved in my own litigation from time to time regarding my obstinate disability insurance company.

BIG HUGS. A few more things crossed my mind.

Why isn't your husband doing MORE to help you with all this... why isn't he the one fortifying and making your property safe and inaccessible? Why is it all YOUR animals, YOUR bankruptcy etc. Have I missed (or gasp forgotten!) something important here?

Yes, your PTSD makes this a monumental effort that as your T is trying to help you realize may NOT be worth it health wise. But I also understand that if you would continue to harbor the ill will against the neighbor, with the mindset that He would have "won" and continue to mull that over for the rest of your life, then you wouldn't have health anyway.

Yes the system allows attorneys to misbehave. Yes, their bottom line is money. But remember also that EVERYONE knows their tactics, including the JUDGES! So while they will twist and turn things, your attorney is supposed to untwist and turn things.

And that brings me to the crux of your problem: your attorney. If I were you, and were pursuing this to the end in spite of what else.. then I would HAVE to find another attorney OR make him hire an assistant to do what you are trying and unable to do for your own case. You are connected to universities and colleges right? Can you find a law student or intern for him? Is there a law library around where you can interest an eager to please and show his/her stuff off? They helped me immensely just on the phone when I was looking for information early on.

THAT is where I would put my energy. Until you have someone who is truly representing you, you might not win. What good is all this effort for that result? And meanwhile, the attorneys continue to get paid, so what do they care how many years it drags on???

Another item: if 2 insurance companies are involved, why aren't THEY helping you fight this??? Did they pay already? How are they involved? If you've made a claim and they haven't paid, then demand it. Even a car insurance company fights when someone they insure is sued over an auto case!

You need someone to advise you regarding your options. Maybe you can go online to a "free" site (where you aren't obligated to pay, but can if you get good advice to your question) and find out what all your options are?

Write down everyone once and for all. See if your spouse will help with this (maybe writing while you think and do dishes..) All the details once and for all in once place. THEN refer to this each time you are deposed or otherwise discussing the issues. If it will go on for years, there's no reason to be stressing over the answers when the answers won't be changing. Take a day and go to a park and do it if home is too stressful. Eat chocolate and listen to classical music to help your brain.

Ok I had another thought but it's fled now.

[(JD)]

Oh I recall the final thought:

HAVE YOU EARNESTLY CONSIDERED killing your neighbor with kindness? Talk about catching them off guard? AND God will bless you for this.

If you can forgive them for being such sinners you can tell them this, but explain that you still need compensation because of the damage done.

[Open Eyes]

JD,
The insurance companies for my neighbor are the attorneys I am dealing with plus they send the information to my neighbor's personal attorney.

My insurance doesn't cover damage done to my animals from my neighbor's dog, my insurance company only covers damage my animals cause, see how it works?

I have already been nice to my neighbor, he doesn't want to pay for the real damage that occured, he cannot understand a horse being worth $125,000 dollars, it is beyond him.
And that is only one animal, there were others damaged with values too, but not as high as that.

I am not a rich person, and when I say that I worked hard to get to having an animal of that quality I mean I really worked hard for a long time. And the animals that I used to accomplish this goal were destroyed. And it is so hard for the average person to understand this value that an example of that is a therapist that I saw when I got out of the psychward said I had Custer B traits (illusions of Grandeur). And had I known that that would written on my records, I would have surely brought in the apprasial of that horse and picture and advertizements of the one I had for sale and so on. But I was not going to see my records with that diagnosis in them until I got my records thrown at me by my regular physician because the psychiatrist felt I was doing better and just needed clonazapam and that could be prescribed by my GP.

I went to my GP and asked for a renewal and my GP was flaming mad and handed my records to me and told me that he was not qualified to treat someone with this and that and all things that were not accruate to what I really had. WHAT A MESS. And I tried to go back and correct my records, I can't get it done, I went to see the psychiatrist and he said he could not change the records but his diagnosis was PTSD. So I have wordage in my records that are wrong and I don't like that,

The psychiatrist at the psychward said I was narcissistic, he didn't believe the loss either and all I ever asked for was rest and grief counciling. And all he wanted me to do was take pills. And because I couldn't get past the side effects and I just wanted rest he misdiagnosed me too. My current therapist, even my last therapist both say I am definitely not narcissistic, but victims of PTSD often are confused with being narcisstic because they are so absorbed with the effects of PTSD that they are distant and angry and confused.

So that bothers me that my records don't even reflect the correct diagnosis. I have been on such a wirlwind for so long I can't even describe how misunderstood and misdiagnosed and mistreated I have been and that continues even in my lawsuit, with my attorney that is getting old and forgetfull.

No, the average person cannot believe that a horse could be worth that much, oh no, it must be me that is crazy. I have appraisals and I was aware of the values because I spent years working and working to get to the level of having this kind of horse. And to be honest, I would like to see someone take $125,000 and present me with a horse that is the same bloodline, with the same level of talent and training that my daughter could not tell apart from the horse that we invested years into training. A horse that my daughter could put her foot in the stirrup and show at the level she showed tomarrow.
And I know he is not out there because my daughter has scanned the net and knows every breeding barn in Europe and Canada and the US and the only horse she could find like hers are refusing offers of $500,000. But they are stallions, however, she has not found any horse like hers. They are not for sale, hers was not for sale. And her trainers had to hide her horse whenever any prospective buyer came to their farm for a show horse, even with very deep pockets because they all wanted them to find a horse like my daughters. They tried, they went back to Europe about 5 times that I know of, they could not find one. He is that nice. And I would put a picture of him here if I could.
But you can google Popyee K a show jumper and you would see a picture of the same blood line the same coloring, Blood Bay with four white stockings. I have not seen him in person, but all those that have, trainers and professionals have told us my daughters horse is nicer. Not my words theirs. All I know is my daughter love her horse and she deserved to show him on the level that she worked so hard to train him to be on and finally got a good job she could. She was very excited that spring, and she went from a young girl that was so excited to a young lady that was sobbing and wondering if God had punished her somehow.

I have been in the Twilight Zone, ripped out of my world and misdiagnosed and misrepresented in so many ways, I could have not imagined any of this.

And, so I am supposed to be nice to my neighbor, forgive him and walk away with a mountain of bills I can't even pay and crippled animals and just forgive and forget?
And one of my other goals is I really want to take my records and my appraisels and sit in front of these people who misdiagnosed me and recorded words that are attached to me that are not a reflection of me that is true. That was definitely not fair. They just didn't believe me, and I never lied. I stayed in a terrible place because I could not wrap my brain around so much loss, too much gone. And I tried to sleep in a cold room and was around people who frightened me and I will never forget that. I stood at the window of my room at the psychward, cold, exhausted, and frightened and totally confused looking out the window to the heavens asking the same questions as my daughter to God, WHY?

And I can't even go and see my GP anymore because everytime I go he has the computer right there and all I can see are my records that came from my psychiatrist and the psychward and the wordage that is so wrong about me. My own physician looks at me like I am crazy and everytime I go to see him I leave in tears.

What a mess my life became because of my neighbor's negligence, what a mess, and I honestly cant wrap my brain around it. My credit rating gone, my medical records not correct, my whole life has been effected by this, everywhere I look. I could have never imagined this, ever in my wildest dreams.
Open Eyes

[(JD)]

(((Open Eyes)))) I didn't say forgive and walk away. I said kill them with kindness and still go forward if you have to (and it sounds like you do.)

Ok. You didn't have your animals covered under your own insurance policy. Got it.

Obviously the insurance company knows the horse is worth that...so realize they say things to rile you and make you want to quit... you know the truth, don't let what they say irk you if you can. (Got to protect yourself from that as much as you can.) (One of the disability lawyers for the opposition once mentioned to someone how he wished I would suicide so the claim would end... and they push and push to try and make you quit one way or the other. So I do know the shennanagans that go on.)

Sweetheart... you're catastrophizing. Yes, things are really being unfair to you right now about that neighbor situation...

but your PTSD might be dragging you through mud you don't need to go through.

Yes, it can be upsetting to not have the right information on medical records. Most people have no idea what is on them, and they go right on. It doesn't change what you really suffer with, no matter what is written.

I can't help you much with this extensively because it upsets me too...and I deal with a lot of what you deal with as well... and it seems all my issues end up costing me money (especially the PTSD... just because the nature of the beast...grrrrrr but that's about me, not you.)

Can your T help you make a list of what the actual realities are of your situations and events etc? Without the drama that PTSD gives you (us) ?

You don't have to answer here.. I'm trying to lead you where I had to be lead... but I don't need specifics... just throwing stuff out there...

lists... such as... have you already lost all that money? Do you have bills for the vet yet to pay or what? I mean, if it's all gone it's all gone. AND rational thinking such as, it is not an unpardonable sin to go bankrupt. (Yes, it's a no no to me too... and it would irk me greatly...but it's not the end of the world..you know? Really.... if it would solve this... ok? ) These are the things your T can really help you realize... REALITY... not the added angst that PTSD demands etc. And also about your medical records... there are ways to fix the information...but maybe the stress of everything is preventing the "getting it done well" ???

Don't kill the messenger (((O E)))

my GP was flaming mad and handed my records to me and told me that he was not qualified to treat someone with this and that and all things that were not accruate to what I really had

This is obviously the truth. Any GP who acts out like that needs therapy himself!



[/QUOTE]

[likewater]

((((Open eyes)))))) i have no advice, but after reading your posts and responses over the months, i want you to know how delightful you are. This isnt the spiritual post so i cant say what i'm really doing, so i'll say my substistute words. I'm sending you " positive
vibes" and keeping you in my thoughts. I think i understand a little bit. My abusers will never ever be brought to justice, at least not in this world. You deserve justice. Your neighbor made your home and work an unsafe place and damaged your psyche, finances and health. Also, he is responsible for the death of your horse and sickness of othets' that were irreplacable and
like members of your family i think.

[Rose76]

I agree, Open Eyes, that you absolutely do a favor for society, at large, when you fight to establish that these people who caused harm must be held responsible. It would add one more good precedent in case law. Holding people responsible for the harm they cause is the difference between living in a civilized world and living in a dog-eat-dog state of anarchy. I hope you win your suit. I wish you were better represented.

From your post above, I much better understand why switching lawyers gets messy, and why other lawyers don't want to get involved. I've learned something important to know. If I ever need legal representation, it is important to pick carefully right from the beginning. I see how you can be kind of stuck with choice #1.

It sounds like this family are people of means. I'm glad, because if you prevail, you have a hope of recovering compensation. Even if they were folks with nothing, I would still want to see them held accountable in a criminal sense. They should either pay for the damage, or go to jail for recklessly endangering and harming your livestock. They should have some consequences to face commensurate with the harm they caused.

[Open Eyes]

JD, I am really trying to not let the PTSD gain control, as you know it can be a challenge and before we know it, we just sink. I am trying very hard not to fall into catastrophizing
I try to think in this and that rather than oh no. I am thankful that at least I know the pitfalls of PTSD and I can make a conscious effort to work through it, but as you know it can be very hard. And with everything I have been dealing with, getting treatment has been challenging and I am not sure my therapist is all that great but at least he has experience with PTSD and treating it to a certain extent. He is not always on track with my reality as I first posted here with the question. He was describing how CSA prevents children from learning how to deal with preditors and identifying them, I can identify them way before the regular person, and ususally have to suffer and wait before others finally see it. So his comment doesn't fit with all victims of CSA. I had asked because when he told me that I was really surprised, however I have seen some members that get stuck in abuse and seem to just service it in fear. Now, I am stuck in abuse, I am trying not to service it, but it has been very hard, and I feel like I am stuck servicing it.
I think that is why my past fears and emotions come into play, because it is so much like being stuck with a preditor that had issues himself when I was small. I seem to have the same feelings of on the one hand feeling sorry for the aging attorney and yet on the other hand needing to stand up and break free, not really knowing how to do it or finding a strong presense to step forward for me. That has been the story of my life, I have had to do the standing and fighting, always looking for that person that was strong and could just help me out or take over. It is so odd that I would have this attorney and this whole scenerio. I was going to act until a deposition was set, I just want to get that done as it is the last thing needing to get done in the opposing sides discovery. I was not expecting two more cancellations, as I said now from the opposing side.

Rose thank you for seeing where I am coming from. It is in my best interest to hang in there as I have already been in it for over 4 years now. If I just give up and walk I will still be left with a huge amount of debt and crippled animals etc. I really think that I need to find closure. In my past I noticed that I went the path of forgiving and not really having closure, that didn't work, it stuck in my brain to haunt me without me realizing it.
Perhaps the brain really needs closure or it wanders in fear unconsciously. I really had not realized it until I had all this happen and all the past came forward in flashbacks and anxiety. I noticed that being hospitalized with emergency surgery didn't come forward to upset me, and then I realized that I had closure with that so my brain was settled I guess. So as I am really looking at my past and what comes forward in flashbacks and anger, it is all that I had no real closure for that haunts me, even though I thought I had coped and overcome it.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I realize that no one can really step in and change my struggles. But it sure is nice to have people that talk to me and understand and agree that I am struggling and what I am struggling with is not right. I think for PTSD victims that is really important, support and hearing others say, yes thats bad your right, how about this, be strong. Just knowing I am not alone helps because so many times in my past, I was alone.

As far as being nice to my neighbor is concerned, well in my past in CSA, that is exactly what I did in fear of my abuser, be nice and just take it. So, I don't think that is a good route to go. And I was nice to them, it didn't work, it really didn't, the only thing they are going to understand is if I stand up to them and show them they cannot manipulate me. Other wise it turns into, "Oh, Open Eyes is a push over if you just keep at it she will give in". No, cant do that, that is an open door for abuse.

And I truely recognize that being denied the truth is very harmful. Like in the psychward, and the therapist who just thought I was off my rocker, when in reality, I was telling the truth. That is what bothers me, when people don't believe me and instead say I have some kind of psychological issue.
I guess the years of my husband telling me that he didn't have a problem and it was all in my head and I better go and see a therapist, stuck in a bad way. I have anger that is locked away and now I do not want to have people get away with not believing me. It is a big pet peeve but a big part of the PTSD too.

Open Eyes