Emotionless and Wanting to Change

I have trouble feeling sincere, I lack of empathy and remorse, I have felt this way for years. I am unable to feel real compassion for others, and though I have tons of friends and a great family that loves and supports me, I can't help but feel that I will never be enough for them, or them for me. It's like being disconnected from them. You can "care" for someone's wellbeing. But loving them? Wanting to be around them? I would rather be a spectator than a real part of their lives. Once, I wrote about my family in a journal and summarized my feelings into a single quote:
"They grovel at me feet like puppies, begging for my attention and love. But don't they know? I think to myself, as yet another frantic paw is crushed under my boot, I hate dogs."

It seems cruel... but it is honest. They are drawn to me because of the mask I have created for them to use, and they long to be a part of my life while I would rather remain detached, I only pretend to care when I want something from them. Is this wrong of me? How can I learn to care for someone when I have never cried for anyone, never gotten "chills" when watching a sad movie?

Last year we studied the Holocaust. Others in my class were aghast and disgusted. I was not moved, now I know right from wrong and that the Nazi's did terrible and horrible things... but ever since I was little I have been immune to gory movies, and oddly fascinated. I do not feel very much at all, but I can manipulate emotions out of others. I am not cruel and not mean or angry. I am always placid inside while I act outgoing and fit right in with everyone else. Still- I WANT to love people and care about other people. I just don't know what it feels like. I lack empathy. When I judge someone they are either strong or weak. Worthy or Unworthy.

I personally am overprivileged, fortunate, yet completely wretched and unworthy. Why do people still look to me as a leader? How can I have no motivation, and not try hard at all, yet still be top of my Honors classes? Why do I have to over-analzye every detail of people's lives and why do I have such a natural ability to manipulate others?
Advice please?

The mere fact that you want to do something about where you are right now means there is hope. No personal change can ever occur without effort on your part. You must understand that what you want to do will take some work, and it will not be an easy, or quick process.

I experienced a similar phenomenon to yours in my own past, although not quite to the same degree. What worked for me may not be a universal system, and I'm not a certified psychologist or anything, but then again, nobody else has spoken, and what have you got to lose?

It sounds to me as if you're not a psychopathic person, but are simply facing an emotional "deadness" and having some difficulty connecting. This means that it is possible for you to change, and as I said before, if you truly want to, it is possible.

I would be happy to give you extensive advise and discuss these issues with you, if you'll listen to what I have to say. As I said, I'm no expert, but I've lived through this sort of thing and come out intact - better, in fact, than intact, I feel truly alive. And I know you want that.

If you do, all you have to do is PM me. I'll be waiting.

I had a mother and a father like that. Believe me - your family does know. On some level the lack of your "presence" is registered.

Of course, if you are young, most young people profile like psychopaths. If you are older and have children, that may be another story altogether....

Advice...

Assuming everything you've stated is true to the best of your knowledge... it sounds to me like you may be a psychopath. if that is the case, then embrace it. Move on.

Out of curiosity, why do you want to feel connection?

Maybe part of its that you have a lot of decent people around you, you've never been let down, so its hard to be greatful. Like really worry about them like they are the only 1s tying you down.

Maybe you should go live in a different country, where you know no one. You don't know the language and customs, or culture. I mean some place like russia. Try to fit in and see if your emotions come back, if you start to miss people. If you start to feel anything, though its a sign you should stay longer. I mean be an expatriate for a decade. Just see what happens.

Not really. Not if he's worried about it.

Emotions feel good. Cant imagine not feel them ever. I'd be so freaking bored and uninterested and disatisfied with people if i didnt feel. But i can really see where the OP is coming from still, because at times i tend to shut out emotions too.

Firstly, that's assuming s/he's worried. S/he never explicitly states that as a fact. Secondly, that's assuming that all psychopaths never experience some degree of concern of or even interest in our own personalities.

It isn't so bad. There are certain people who aren't completely insufferable.

As a kid my mother told me that she was sorry that I was incapable of experiencing empathy. I thought I was able to care about others, but she told me that was just sympathy. Basically she made me feel like ****, like there was something wrong with me, and that I was going to turn out a horrible sociopathic monster.

I don't know if I know what empathy is, or if I've felt it. Right now I'm pretty much in a depression, so it's hard to say. A lot of the time as an adult I reacted as I thought people wanted me to, but feeling like I really didn't care, but I wanted them to care about me back and listen to me, so I tried to express empathy and understanding, feeling like I was wearing a mask to hide a monster that didn't care, and feeling guilty that I was so selfish. I often just felt numb or cycling through extreme sadness, anger, etc. I never knew if I was dead inside because of something, or if I really was capable of caring.

I'm not sure where I was going with that right now, it just came out. I had a point in mind somewhere. Too much cafeine to keep my thoughts straight I guess.

At any rate, the tone of your post to me sounds like someone who is disconnected. I couldn't help but wonder if you had been through a trauma when you were younger. Though this could all be my imagination.

I don't know anything about sociopaths, or what is normal. I do recall reading an article about people who have committed horrible acts while crying, or seemingly experiencing a connection with their victim, yet feeling no choice. I think that it doesn't matter so much that you can experience empathy, as much as it matters how you treat others and the choices you make in life.

At any rate, you are curious about it, I do recommend exploring it further, it sounds like something is telling you to. I suppose I will make the usual recommendation of consulting a therapist, if you don't already. A good one can get through the blocks and help you understand.

Hi. 2 things come to my mind. You've either been horribly damaged at some stage and putting up one hell of a defence shield, or you're a sociopath. I think, more likely the 1st, because you say you don't hurt people etc. I'm a little bit similar. People call me cold because I don't get attached to people & I hurt them when I honestly say I wouldn't care if I never saw them again. I know with me I'm not a sociopath, mine was severe childhood neglect & abuse. It's left me with this numb feeling & the thought that I'm just an actor, being everything to everybody.
Hope that helps. Good luck with it all. The fact you're posting on here must mean you care or want to change, maybe, so it might be a good idea to get a professional opinion.

You implied in your post that you were 'comfortable' with this. You said that you would rather be a spectator in your loved ones' lives than to love them. If this is true, then why ever would you want to change? Feeling like you're missing out on all the fun, perhaps?