Help me understand

Here it is 2:53 a.m. and I am awake again. I have BP, BPSD, Depression, Separation Anxiety, Dependent Anxiety, and am dealing with a new revelation of abandonment issues, oh and yeah sexual abuse. I have started taking depakote after a pathetic attempt and a week long stint in the hospital. Now, I am back home in the same environment with the same stresses and am expected to magically be better. Unfortunately the only thing I learned in the hospital is how to lie and hide my illness so I don't get committed again (learned from nurses). I mostly still have the racing thoughts, anxiety, and just plain aggravation with my situation. I want to pack up and move to a new location, but I don't know if that is just another symptom. I don't trust my thinking or decision making skills right now. There are no support groups or therapists in my area, so my only place to rant is here. (hope you all don't mind) I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I have some family support, but they don't really know what to do with me. Please reach out and give me some love. I need to know if anyone else has felt this way or had this much on their plate at one time. Sometimes I feel like I am going insane. O.K. most times. I almost want to move into the hospital permanent. I guess I have bored you guys enough and it is after 3 so good morning to some and good nite to others. Thanks.

Oh, Notdamooma, I'm so sorry you are having these troubles, especially with sleep and being up in the middle of the night. I get all messed up then too. I hope things look and feel a bit more hopeful this morning.

I've recently been where you r aside from being in the hospital. My T and I (along with my mother) have a safty plan for me if/when I get this way. I managed to keep myself out of the hospital this past week thanks to my mom. Although part of me feels as though it would have been a better option. My pdoc just can't get me stablized and I have 3 kids to raise... A lot going on here too I know it's no fun but try to hang in there (honestly I hate it when people say that) many

Notdamooma hi.

When you rely only on medication and other people for your wellbeing and mental progress, you run the danger of feeling helpless and hopeless if these two don't work for you. That's what happened to me a couple of times in my teens. Later I decided to do something about my mental diseases myself, by using self-help books. That made a lot of difference. I overcome OCD, PTSD, social anxiety... except depression which I occasionally (pretty strongly) have.

You could go to therapy, but you say it isn't available. So I think reading self-help books and putting them into practice can make a difference.

I suggest you go to amazon.com or some other online bookstore. Then search for books that help you with your mental illnesses.

In the search box, search for something like "anxiety workbook" "anxiety cbt" "seperation anxiety" "dependent anxiety workbook". And things like that. You can learn a lot from some books.

I've also been an inpatient, and I became really good at hiding my problems and suicidal tendencies. Still, I was kept there for 5 months, but they probably would have kept me there 8 to 12 months if I didn't hide my problems. It's such a hell. You know outside well be a hell, but inside you are hurting too.

I hear ya'. Sounds like my story some years back.

When I began taking Citalopram, there was great relief. Also reading Dr. Bruce Perry's attachment theory books, The Boy Who Was Raised by Dogs and Born for Love pulled me out of the ditch by showing me the road towards the re-building of brain pathways through healthier attachments. The past finally made sense and could be put behind; the re-building of broken brain pathways with my therapist who specializes in such has been empowering!

There is hope: I have GAD, OCD, and chronic PTSD but am no longer depressed, overanxious, or suffering from those awful turbo nightmares. I eat a good diet and exercise--and listen well to my body signals and take care of myself. I no longer hang out with the core dysfunctional family who seek no help. May something in this post be of good service to those who can relate. Susan Quinn

Thank you for your support. Sometimes knowing I am not alone can be help in itself.

is there somewhere you can be comfy for a bit besides hossy and where the pain is?

just some time out for you....

where maybe perhaps you can understand things the best way they suit you...

a bit overwhelmed buddy...it's ok...

maybe you can be 'insane' at home there...

there is nuthin' wrong with feelin' that way..it's a process of our lives to lose it...

stuffed if I know why..

but I haf to protect myself....even at the edge

Hi Notdamooma, i am really touched by your story, i hope you well. I am new around, I don't know if words can really help. i don't have experience with medications, i hate them xd
i do have, quite often, sleepless nights, sometimes even wake up in the middle of the night terrorized for no reason. i just get this sick feeling in my gut, and feel like bursting in tears for no reason.sometimes i do.
when i can't sleep, my mind is just going on and on about worries and problems and i just can't seem to stop.
personnaly,i believe that any matter of mind will only be solved by trying to understand it.i look for the one thing that i believe would truly help. in my case, most of the time it's trying to get in touch with a very close person, i just talk and share my darkest thoughts (because i trust them). i just talk and i don't expect an answer. i don't believe any answer will really help,sometimes thhey do more harm because the other person is not in my situation. but just the fact that someone is there, and cares enough to listen eases the pain somewhat.
the best second solution for sleepless nights in my case is writing. i just right down what i am thinking, it does help me a little bit.
i am not sure this really helps, i wish you well. and don't hesitate posting or mp if you need always happy to listen.